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ComradeAndrei
Guest
Yes, but under the understandings that we have.
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BLB_Oregon
Guest
Well, they could very nicely tell them that it will save them getting a house-sitter, because the bride and groom will be staying elsewhere.
Then do that. It’s not as if a bride and groom can’t spring to spend their wedding night in a very special and vehemently undisclosed location!
Also, they could say, “Sorry, we assumed you’d want a place of your own out of the nut house, so we asked Bob and Tom (out of town guests too young and poor to rent a room but strong enough to be very useful in setting up) to stay at our place.”
I know a couple who reserved a room over an hour’s drive from their home. They had a driver take them there, and the only one that knew where they were was the best man…who had helped the groom park the groom’s car there ahead of time.
Then do that. It’s not as if a bride and groom can’t spring to spend their wedding night in a very special and vehemently undisclosed location!
Also, they could say, “Sorry, we assumed you’d want a place of your own out of the nut house, so we asked Bob and Tom (out of town guests too young and poor to rent a room but strong enough to be very useful in setting up) to stay at our place.”
I know a couple who reserved a room over an hour’s drive from their home. They had a driver take them there, and the only one that knew where they were was the best man…who had helped the groom park the groom’s car there ahead of time.
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KathleenElsie
Guest
Not everyone can afford a honeymoon trip. But, a nice quiet time alone at home might be the only “honeymoon” they get. Also it is not just their son’s home it is also their daughter-in-laws home.
Ours is a generational home. Seven of us from 3yo to 62yo with all the chaos that comes with it. But, not everyone is comfortable with this kind of living. Our son-in-law has to put up with me LOL and that can be quite trying.
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Feanaro_s_Wife
Guest
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LittleRose
Guest
Karianne,
Please don’t devalue a couple’s marriage just because they are living in sin right now. Their families should be supporting their decision to do the right thing by getting married. To punish them now, by treating their wedding as if it is no big deal, or by assuming it probably won’t happen, is inappropriate. It only reinforces the idea that marriage doesn’t matter, which is half the reason unmarried couples shack up anyway.
It is perfectly right that their wedding night should be special, insofar as that is possible given past behavior. Their parents should respect that. This isn’t about filial responsibility. This is about the people in these families recognizing the value of marriage–any marriage, even if the couple doesn’t. We are talking about their first night together as husband and wife. As far as the Church is concerned, this is not merely the “legalization of their union”. This is the BEGINNING of their union. That should be special and respected, no matter what their past sins. Their parents can stay at their house any other time.
And by the way, once you marry you form a new family, and while you must always honor your parents, your obligation to obey them ends on your wedding day, if not before.
To the OP:
As far as what to say… “Gee mom, the house really won’t be quiet enough for you to get any sleep on our WEDDING NIGHT, so we knew you’d prefer a room at ________ hotel. Here’s your reservation info…”
What’s that mom? What kind of noise? clearing of throat Well, if you don’t know after ______ years of marriage to dad and being a mother to _____ children, I’m not sure I should really be the one to explain…
"
Please don’t devalue a couple’s marriage just because they are living in sin right now. Their families should be supporting their decision to do the right thing by getting married. To punish them now, by treating their wedding as if it is no big deal, or by assuming it probably won’t happen, is inappropriate. It only reinforces the idea that marriage doesn’t matter, which is half the reason unmarried couples shack up anyway.
It is perfectly right that their wedding night should be special, insofar as that is possible given past behavior. Their parents should respect that. This isn’t about filial responsibility. This is about the people in these families recognizing the value of marriage–any marriage, even if the couple doesn’t. We are talking about their first night together as husband and wife. As far as the Church is concerned, this is not merely the “legalization of their union”. This is the BEGINNING of their union. That should be special and respected, no matter what their past sins. Their parents can stay at their house any other time.
And by the way, once you marry you form a new family, and while you must always honor your parents, your obligation to obey them ends on your wedding day, if not before.
To the OP:
As far as what to say… “Gee mom, the house really won’t be quiet enough for you to get any sleep on our WEDDING NIGHT, so we knew you’d prefer a room at ________ hotel. Here’s your reservation info…”
What’s that mom? What kind of noise? clearing of throat Well, if you don’t know after ______ years of marriage to dad and being a mother to _____ children, I’m not sure I should really be the one to explain…
"
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Feanaro_s_Wife
Guest
So having to plunger the plugged up toilet thanks to future FIL (happened just this Christmas) would not be your idea of romantic?
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Feanaro_s_Wife
Guest
Maybe I’m misunderstanding you, but I detect a note of sarcasm… that’s really not necessary.
**I posted this question to help my future brother in law with a very difficult situation. He loves his parents dearly which is why he’s distressed about it. **
But he also loves my sister and is sensitive to her needs and feelings. I was hoping to get some good advice I could pass along to him that would make the entire situation easier.
I didn’t expect comments such as “the wedding isn’t for a year anyway and it might not take place anyway”…and what’s the deal with cutting off both families?
My parents are far from perfect and can be extremely annoying too, lol, but this isn’t about them. And it’s not about cutting family out of their lives…we’re talking about ONE TIME for their WEDDING for goodness sake!And I don’t agree with your comment about boundaries. Boudaries usually have to be set because one side is not being respectful or has strange ideas about things. They will often feel disrespected by any boundary set up…
I’m done for tonight. My sleep deprived mommy brain can’t take another comment about my sister’s wedding not mattering because she’s living in sin now. I would think any Catholic would be happy to know that a non-religious person still feels in their heart that there is some value to marriage and be happy that the couple is correcting their situation…
Good night…thank you all for your comments and suggestions
malia
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LittleRose
Guest
A good trait in a husband. Good for you for supporting it. Once he is married, his wife should have priority over the rest of his family. The fact that he recognizes this suggests he is more serious about this marriage than some are giving him credit for.
Yes! You are quite right here. Best wishes for your sister’s marriage.
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anamchara
Guest
I think this is a good idea, I like it
Lets the couple be alone but highlights the parents as well. Good thinking!
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OldAgeGuru
Guest
I can’t wait to use that on my parents… such good role reversal
1985 - Me : Mom I want a cupcake for breakfast
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Mom : NO you can have a bowl of cereal. My house my rules Me: No we'll be having a bowl of M&M's for breakfast and to drink everyone has to have a 2 liter bottle of soda. My house my rules!
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Jay2
Guest
Advise your future BIL that this is the perfect time to finally “cut the cord” so to speak. His loyalty & care towards his parents is admirable, but it sounds like he’s kind of wishy-washy as well.
He’s an adult man, he has his own house, and will soon have his own wife/woman/mate too. No need for “mommy” to check on him anymore, he will be brushing his teeth and wearing clean underwear.
I’d offer up a weekend’s worth of hotel stay, and explain that “quite frankly we’d rather not have houseguests on our wedding night”.
If your sis & he don’t grow some backbone now, you’ll have “Ray Romano’s” mom barging over every other day. Unfortunately it may have to be your sister that’s the one to put a foot down.
He’s an adult man, he has his own house, and will soon have his own wife/woman/mate too. No need for “mommy” to check on him anymore, he will be brushing his teeth and wearing clean underwear.
I’d offer up a weekend’s worth of hotel stay, and explain that “quite frankly we’d rather not have houseguests on our wedding night”.
If your sis & he don’t grow some backbone now, you’ll have “Ray Romano’s” mom barging over every other day. Unfortunately it may have to be your sister that’s the one to put a foot down.
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carol_marie
Guest
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KCT
Guest
If the couple has decided they don’t want house guests, and knows the parents will be offended, there is no way not to offend them.
All they can do is come up with what they believe is the kindest way to state their decision. How the parents react is their business. We can not control other people’s feelings and reactions.
—KCT
All they can do is come up with what they believe is the kindest way to state their decision. How the parents react is their business. We can not control other people’s feelings and reactions.
—KCT
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BLB_Oregon
Guest
Still, it doesn’t hurt to look down the tracks. The wreck may be inevitable, but the mess won’t be so bad if you get the train slowed down. But yes, that’s about all you can do. If people insist on camping on the tracks, the cattle-catcher is going to get a little work.
I like the “surprise the parents with a very nice place” solution the best. If they get stubborn and insist on staying with you, you always have the “It’s paid for now, Dad, and it is our gift to you. Besides, (Insert name of Finance) will be terribly hurt if you don’t want it.” If they still won’t stay there, you can “Well, then we’ll stay there and I’ll make it a wedding gift to her…because that nice place is *not *going to waste!”
Besides, you all just think you know what the parents are going to do. They may surprise you and realize that most people don’t want houseguests on their wedding night, after all. It wouldn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out. If it does, a “PSSST! DAD!!! I know she and I been living together but a wedding night is a wedding night! GET THE HINT!” is hard to argue with!
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dranzal
Guest
Yes. Congrats to your sister and her beau.
It seems that they may just have to put the figurative foot down. They need to stand their ground or they will regret not doing so. In my experience, whenever someone tries too hard to be nice and diplomatic hoping the other will get the hint, they end up enduring the suffering they had hoped to avoid. I am not suggesting rudeness or curt dismissals. If they really don’t want houseguests during and after the wedding, they really need to state it in no uncertain terms and perhaps invite the would-be houseguests to stay a week later or another time altogether. It doesn’t have to be an all or nothing proposal. Perhaps they can stay with your parents for several days and then with them for a few days several days after the wedding.
You know, we picked up my dh from military training just in time for the rehearsal dinner and returned him the day after the wedding. Tell her to count her blessings!
It seems that they may just have to put the figurative foot down. They need to stand their ground or they will regret not doing so. In my experience, whenever someone tries too hard to be nice and diplomatic hoping the other will get the hint, they end up enduring the suffering they had hoped to avoid. I am not suggesting rudeness or curt dismissals. If they really don’t want houseguests during and after the wedding, they really need to state it in no uncertain terms and perhaps invite the would-be houseguests to stay a week later or another time altogether. It doesn’t have to be an all or nothing proposal. Perhaps they can stay with your parents for several days and then with them for a few days several days after the wedding.
You know, we picked up my dh from military training just in time for the rehearsal dinner and returned him the day after the wedding. Tell her to count her blessings!
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MSJoan
Guest
I am new to this and apologize if the post is longer than acceptable. I offer advice from a somewhat similar stressful experience. My family lives very, very close (most of us on the same street). My husband’s family is spread out in several states. A few years ago, an accident returned the gift of our young son home to God. Friends drove to another state to pick-up my MIL (everyone should have a MIL as wonderful as mine was). My BIL and his wife drove here from a 3rd state the morning after our son’s death. Other relatives were 2-4 hours away and only came the day of the funeral.
As you might imagine, everyone was a bit stressed. While I am not really close to my BIL and his wife, they are family. On the other hand, it was all I could do to hold it together and I knew the added stress of my BIL and his wife in my home 24/7 would push us right over the edge. My brother graciously invited my BIL and his wife to sleep in his home (within walking distance). They were in our home anytime they wanted, but slept in a bed at my brother’s (instead of a sofa at ours). My MIL stayed in her usual room at our home.
My BIL and his wife were not happy with the arrangements and left after one night. He had agreed to be a pallbearer, but never made it to the funeral (he’s not Catholic). He did make it to the cemetery (a 6 hour drive from his home) – without his wife.
While I am sorry he wasn’t there to support his brother and mother; he did what he felt he had to do in leaving. Most importantly, we WOULD NOT have changed anything about the arrangements. Had they slept in our house that week I would have probably spent hours in the confessional with all the sins I would have committed ) The arrangements have never been discussed in the years since; however, it is interesting that my husband and BIL talk more now than they did before.
Weddings and funerals are two different events. While there is no intent to draw a correlation between your sister’s wedding and a funeral, they are both very stressful. I too would suggest offering the in-laws the present of staying in a hotel; recognizing that they may become very angry and not come to the wedding at all. Or, they may come to the wedding and tell everyone how bad they were treated. In the end, it would be their loss. As you indicated, there’s a year to introduce and reinforce the hotel idea. It may also help to do some pre-planning and strategizing with other family members and friends of the in-laws to help them see the hotel idea is best for all – especially the night before and after the wedding.
As you might imagine, everyone was a bit stressed. While I am not really close to my BIL and his wife, they are family. On the other hand, it was all I could do to hold it together and I knew the added stress of my BIL and his wife in my home 24/7 would push us right over the edge. My brother graciously invited my BIL and his wife to sleep in his home (within walking distance). They were in our home anytime they wanted, but slept in a bed at my brother’s (instead of a sofa at ours). My MIL stayed in her usual room at our home.
My BIL and his wife were not happy with the arrangements and left after one night. He had agreed to be a pallbearer, but never made it to the funeral (he’s not Catholic). He did make it to the cemetery (a 6 hour drive from his home) – without his wife.
While I am sorry he wasn’t there to support his brother and mother; he did what he felt he had to do in leaving. Most importantly, we WOULD NOT have changed anything about the arrangements. Had they slept in our house that week I would have probably spent hours in the confessional with all the sins I would have committed
) The arrangements have never been discussed in the years since; however, it is interesting that my husband and BIL talk more now than they did before.Weddings and funerals are two different events. While there is no intent to draw a correlation between your sister’s wedding and a funeral, they are both very stressful. I too would suggest offering the in-laws the present of staying in a hotel; recognizing that they may become very angry and not come to the wedding at all. Or, they may come to the wedding and tell everyone how bad they were treated. In the end, it would be their loss. As you indicated, there’s a year to introduce and reinforce the hotel idea. It may also help to do some pre-planning and strategizing with other family members and friends of the in-laws to help them see the hotel idea is best for all – especially the night before and after the wedding.
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BLB_Oregon
Guest
There once was a guy whose car got a flat out in the middle of nowhere. He went to fix it and realized that he had no jack.
There was no one nearby except a single farmhouse down a very long lane. The man started up the drive. As he walked for help, he worried about what he would do if the farmer was not willing to help him out. He turned the possible scenarios over and over in his mind and became more and more convinced that the farmer would have no reason to help him.
He got to the door and knocked. The farmer answered the door, but before he could say a word, the man shouted, “Fine, then! Keep your d***ed jack!”
Maybe the best thing would just be to say, "Um, Mom, Dad…did you forget that we’re talking about our wedding night?"
The son ought to be ready for the possiblity that his parents will be upset, but he also ought to be ready for the possibility that his parents had assumed that if it was a problem, he would surely say something.
In fact, I think the best tack to take would be to start with the assumption that nobody in the world who stops to think about it is going to assume they are welcome for a sleep over with a bride and groom on their wedding night, and go from there.
The parents may have simply assumed that a wedding night is different when you’ve been living together. They may only need a gentle correction on that point, and that’s all.
There was no one nearby except a single farmhouse down a very long lane. The man started up the drive. As he walked for help, he worried about what he would do if the farmer was not willing to help him out. He turned the possible scenarios over and over in his mind and became more and more convinced that the farmer would have no reason to help him.
He got to the door and knocked. The farmer answered the door, but before he could say a word, the man shouted, “Fine, then! Keep your d***ed jack!”
Maybe the best thing would just be to say, "Um, Mom, Dad…did you forget that we’re talking about our wedding night?"
The son ought to be ready for the possiblity that his parents will be upset, but he also ought to be ready for the possibility that his parents had assumed that if it was a problem, he would surely say something.
In fact, I think the best tack to take would be to start with the assumption that nobody in the world who stops to think about it is going to assume they are welcome for a sleep over with a bride and groom on their wedding night, and go from there.
The parents may have simply assumed that a wedding night is different when you’ve been living together. They may only need a gentle correction on that point, and that’s all.
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hasikelee
Guest
I agree with Jay. The implication of worry, hesitation and uncertainty really sings “I love mammy and pappy more than my gally.” Does the guy not feel that this is going to be a big, huge, super special occasion to be shared just by the two of them?
I wonder if his parents are the overprotective, live through their kids type?
The girl in this case is the one who will suffer, not the parents or the son.
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Feanaro_s_Wife
Guest
I am truly sorry that I gave that impression. It is wrong. He is not weak or a mama’s boy. But his is considerate and doesn’t want to cause hurt feeling uneccesarily. He is not going to have them staying at his home during that time, no matter what. He just wants to tell them in the best way possible. You can never take words back, no matter how much you wish you could.
If I were to go out and find a fiance for my sister, I couldn’t make a much better choice than him…except that I’d find a nice Catholic boy, lol.
malia
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Jay2
Guest
Mom, Dad - This is our special night after our special day, and we want to spend it alone.
(good?)
Or have Mom & Dad stay in the house, and the newlyweds stay in the hotel…(location secret)!
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