How would you tell your parents

[lotusblossom]

Malia,

I hope all goes well with your brother talking to his parents. I don’t think there’s a solution that is going to be 100% guarunteed will work without hurting his parents’ feelings. All I can say is that, from what you’ve described, they will get over it, since I think you mentioned the wedding is a ways away yet (ie. not two weeks away). While my IL’s definitely didn’t ask that (nor were my husband and I living together), my husband did have to put his foot down a couple of times regarding other things, but he just said it in a flat out, no arguing way that this was OUR decision and that was that. No putting down or offending comments - just here’s what we’ve decided and then left it at that. I also learned that I shouldn’t take my IL’s initial reaction to heart, and after they thought it over, they realized that we’re adults and we can make our own decisions and objecting would only distance the relationship. My husband was not a mama’s boy, but just was setting some initial boundaries that happen when one marries.

I also agree that they should have no guests at their house and maybe explain it that way. He should just say that they really do not want to have guests at the house and they have a list of great hotels nearby and/or your mom’s house available, reminding them that this is THEIR time or that it’s THEIR wedding night/honeymoon time. Regardless of whether or not their living together, that day will be special and additional stress is unnecessary - it’s a big day and lots of stressful details before and lots of exhaustion and wanting alone time after.

Also, to those posters who mentioned only knowing people who fell asleep on their wedding night, DH and I didn’t . NO WAY would my ILs or anyone else have wanted to be in the same house with us .

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Ever heard of Miss Manners, aka Judith Martin? This is an etiquette situation.

First: Nobody invites themselves to somebody else’s house to stay the night, the week, or even the afternoon. They ask permission, and at least call ahead. It does not matter if they are parents, long-lost uncles, or adult children. It’s rude.

If these future in-laws have invited themselves, your future b-i-l needs to politely and sweetly tell them it’s inconvenient, they haven’t the room (even if they live in 4,000 square feet of luxury), and it will be a very busy time when they will not be able to play host and hostess as they should- and it would be much better for them to stay at a motel. End of story. Any whining, crying, hurt feelings or the like should be met with, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” He should say it over and over again, in a calm voice, until they realize he’s not giving in.

Second: Nobody opens themselves up with ambiguity with false invitations, such as, “We’d love to have you sometime.” You know and I know “sometime” means not during the wedding. Others can twist that.

 

[hasikelee]

I am truly sorry that I gave that impression. It is wrong. He is not weak or a mama’s boy. But his is considerate and doesn’t want to cause hurt feeling uneccesarily. He is not going to have them staying at his home during that time, no matter what. He just wants to tell them in the best way possible. You can never take words back, no matter how much you wish you could.

If I were to go out and find a fiance for my sister, I couldn’t make a much better choice than him…except that I’d find a nice Catholic boy, lol.

malia

Sounds like you were just looking for some phrases, then?

Personally, I would stay on the funny side:

“Oh dear, the walls aren’t thick enough in these new homes they build nowadays”

“Well, you two can stay over, but you’ll have to fend for yourselves as we’ll be locked up for a while.”

“I don’t think we can have houseguests at this time, we’ll be too busy entertaining…each other…”