Hubby messaging another woman. I need advice please!

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The way I read that message you first posted, it doesn’t sound like he has been exchanging a lot of messages with her. It sounds like she contacted him, and he was letting her down easy. Then she got offended and tried to stir up some trouble for him. Sounds like it work really well too. I’ll bet your husband feels like he is under attack on all sides and doesn’t know if it is safe to come home.

My best advice is to do whatever you need to do to relax and calm down. You also need to be careful to not be too accusing with your husband. I think you need to let him know you are concerned, and that you just want to hear his side of what happened. I’m sure if anything this has taught him what kind of a woman he was dealing with. I am sure the image of a calm, loving, and concerned wife would be quite the contrast to the vinidictive untrustworthy woman who sent you that message.
 
foxc1 said:
Thanks for all the replies. I cannot believe he is being such a coward. If he did nothing wrong, I don’t know why he’s hiding from me. I don’t know how to handle the situation when he gets home. He said on his last lame phone call - the one about the flat tire - that he was at his friend’s and as soon as they were done “fixing” the tire he’d head back home.
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Here’s a thought. Now, he doesn’t know what’s been said on this thread, Presume all he knows is that he gave this her the brushoff and that his pregnant wife is now mad as a hornet for reasons he can’t quite fathom (as I’m not seeing how he did anything wrong in his response to that female).

If I were him, I would take any excuse I could to talk it over with a friend before coming home, as he also probably had/has no clue how handle the situation when he gets home either. If I were him I would be trying to lay low for a bit as well, to let you blow off steam for a while before trying to engage.
 
kage_ar said:
Maybe, just maybe, he realized that having a myspace account is dumb d-u-m-b and he wanted to get rid of it before any more harm came to you. Maybe he realizes that you are hurt, and deleting the page is the first thing that came to his mind. Maybe he even called his Priest and said “Father, what should I do”?

Maybe he realized that this was a big oozing sewer line and he just wanted it repaired ASAP.

Call him, tell him thank you for deleting the page and that you have also deleted yours. Then, call your Priest for a sit down session to work on trust in your marriage.
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kage_ar, this is not wise advise you are giving. Its sound like wishful thinking. Like, “If she could just do a better job trusting him, maybe he will become someone who can be trusted better”.

Trust has been breeched here, seriously.

Giving the benefit of the doubt all the time is not neccesarily a virtue. Sometimes it is being foolish, having blinders on, or living with childish wishful thinking. When a young woman is married and with-child, she really can’t afford to engage in child’s play. She has to deal realistically with the reality presented to her. Paying attention to her own feelings and intuition about a matter is part of the process of making wise choices.
 
jrabs said:
You rock! Excellent advice.
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No actually its not good advice at all its not up to one person to decide what gets deleted and what does not,
if the man wants his deleted then delete if he dont then she shouldnt. I get so tired of seeing all this on here women whom take it upon themselves to destroy ,delete, and whatever else thier husnands have be it online or what not, who died and put you all in charge of another person, if you are that power hungry find a dog to control, your husbands are not your personal slaves,
I find it so interesting how many complain about a marriage not being a 50/50 partnership then in next post want to delete websites, e-mail boxes, half the harddrive etc, trust me if he wants to mess around he dont need a My space page to do so,
there are opportunities at every corner of this tiny world.

as for the person saying he dont need a myspace page, well i say to you this you dont need to be surfing this forum either then.
not everyone on my space is cruising to meet someone, many use to keep in touch with friends etc.
I have a my space page ( hardly ever go to it) and I have gotten way more invites on dates on this forum here, YES CA then i ever have on my space, I should add I am not cruising either website for dates,

Ok I have aired my beefs,

Now what you need to really do is the most important thing you can ever do in any situation…COMMUNICATE, sit down and talk about it, dont get angry,emotional etc just talk, never know may find out tons of things.you dont need to get on a power trip and complicate things more,which is what the one poster would have you doing by deleting his account, I personally would be furious if anyone deleted one of my accounts from my own computer.
I admit i am of a different mindset now as well, after putting up with that **** for over 18 years trying to keep the peace,Thankfully I am out of that now, I now relize there are far too many fish in the sea to waste my time with someone controlling, too many “equals” in this world to spend even 20 seconds of my life with someone whom wants to be controlling…delete my account? out the door with you faster than it took to delete the account…

my normally useless 2 cents
John
 
foxc1 said:
To answer a few things: a woman contacted my husband. I got another message from her telling me that if I would’ve been woman enough he wouldn’t have to look for something outside of home. :mad: 😦 She also told me to tell him he has a nice voice :mad: I hadn’t spoken to my hubby since the first message i received early this morning, and guess what? He’s avoiding coming home!!

He deleted his myspace account, and where he works there are no computers. He’s in construction so he went somewhere to check his messages. It’s 2 hours after getting off work and he hasn’t arrived at home. Do you guys want to know how stupid he thinks I am? He told me before I told him I knew he deleted his account, that he got a flat tire and that’s why he hasn’t gotten here yet. Well, he could’ve called me to let me know, but no! He decides to go to someone’s house to check his messages. I forwarded the messages from her so now he doesn’t want to come home and face me!! I cannot believe he’s such a coward!!!

Why hide if you did nothing wrong???
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why? simple some people BLOW everything way out of proportion and wont belieev what is actually true anyways they will only bel
ieve
what they hear if its exactly what they want to hear or what they assume to be the truth.
 
Wow, I’m a newlywed and this thread has freaked me out! :eek:

From reading your first post, it sounds like your husband handled things as best as he could. Maybe he knows this girl from somewhere before(an old acquaintance, friend of a friend, etc.) and needed to let her down easy so she can save face. Also, do you know that Myspace accounts are incredibly easy to hack? Many of my friends used to play pranks on one another by breaking into each other’s accounts and changing things. :o

If my wife took the words of a complete stranger without even asking me first, I know I would be seriously concerned. You went into accusation mode from the start, and it sounds like there are trust issues between you two(due to his past). As for deleting the account and going to a friend’s house, I would do the same thing in his case. The way you reacted to this situation would have put even the most blameless spouse on the defensive.

There are women out there who like to do this kind of thing, I’ll tell you a quick story to prove it. Some elderly married friends of my parents received a call late one night and the wife answered the phone. The caller asked, “Is this (DH)'s wife?” The wife replied, “Yes, who is this?” The anonymous female caller replied, “This is (DH)'s girlfriend ____. I just wanted to call you and let you know that your husband has been cheating on you for years! I’m joining a new church and we have to call all the people we’ve ever wronged and apologize, so my pastor said I should call you.”

Now the wife(who could hardly contain her laughter) handed the phone over to her devoutly Catholic, elderly DH. Long story short, they learned a lot about this lady and she turned out to be a nut from four states away that never even lived near them! Not that it matters, because the DH in this case was a model family man and sinless as a saint. 🙂

Anyway, you should call your husband and apologize for overreacting. This will at least convince him to come home and talk it out. There is a danger in letting him stay out in a case like this, because if he’s already been found guilty of adultery, what’s to stop him from going out and committing it now(whether he was innocent to begin with or not)? It’s better to have him home where you can talk things out than in a bar or strip club with his buddies(which is sad, but all too common).

You two need to take some counseling and work things out, regardless of what happens. We Catholics marry for life, and your baby needs both of you to raise him/her in a house filled with love. My prayers are with you both in this difficult time! :gopray:
 
Foxc1,
I know how upset you must feel, but try to see this as a really* stupid* thing that your husband has done and not that it could be any more than that. That maybe he is staying away as he doesn’t want to face the consequences of this really stupid thing, but that he does realise that it was *really stupid… *
He has done the wrong thing and needs to face up to it, promise never to do it again… try to think that it’s a one off stupid thing that he may never (if he’s wise) do again.
You have every right to be upset, and he is just putting off the inevitable by staying away. It may not be that he has anything to hide, but just that he does not want to face your wrath…not excusing him though. Maybe it was just a very bad error in judgement on his part.
Praying for you…
 
foxc1 said:
the fact that he called her sexy and that he might call her is why I’m so upset. I don’t think I’m overreacting. messaging another woman secretly sounds normal? I don’t think so. when he was younger dated 2-3 girls at te same time calling them girlfriends. I wouldn’t want him being married to me and dating other women as well. He said he was done with that when he was 19. I feel so sick now because of this
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Oops sorry, I must’ve missed that part. I guess in that case, there is cause for concern. I’d still suggest talking to him first, though.

You have my prayers.
 
foxc1 said:
the fact that he called her sexy and that he might call her is why I’m so upset. I don’t think I’m overreacting. messaging another woman secretly sounds normal? I don’t think so. when he was younger dated 2-3 girls at te same time calling them girlfriends. I wouldn’t want him being married to me and dating other women as well. He said he was done with that when he was 19. I feel so sick now because of this
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Well, that’s a result of the popular non-exclusive dating pattern. People have got to understand that one can only have a relationship with one person and especially later, when it’s marriage. But since he said he was done with that when he was 19, and the messages don’t clearly incriminate him, we’d probably better assume he’s not dating on the side or even trying. What’s sure is that the woman’s behaviour is a bit strange, although benefit of doubt for one person shouldn’t rely on framing another. It’s probably the best to talk it over calmly.

As for deleting the MySpace pages, I think it’s probably a good idea, except I don’t think it’s such a great thing to delete someone else’s. He’s a husband, not a son.
 
litllulu said:
Has anyone considered that maybe ruining marriages is a hobby for this gal? Clearly this lady is out to start trouble. I bet the pictures she sent is not even of herself. Bet ya!😃
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Happens. I wouldn’t like to go into details, but those things happen.
 
chevalier said:
Happens. I wouldn’t like to go into details, but those things happen.
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It might not even be a woman who sent the pictures in the first place. The internet is a great cover for people who like to stir up trouble. Do you know how easy it is to get picture of a woman with any build, any color skin, any color hair, and any degree of undress you want with a few mouse clicks?
 
foxc1 said:
To answer a few things: a woman contacted my husband. I got another message from her telling me that if I would’ve been woman enough he wouldn’t have to look for something outside of home. :mad: 😦
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The truth is that if she were “woman enough” and had half an ounce of self-respect, she wouldn’t be trying to throw herself in front of a married man for a little bit of attention.

Your husband may also be avoiding you because he may be full of pride. It’s natural to not want to admit that you did something wrong, and sending messages to another woman, even if that’s all that happened, is wrong (and embarassing!). He’s probably beet red about being caught acting like a teenager by his wife. He even told the lost woman (we should be praying for her!) that he was happily married. Being caught has given his ego a huge blow, so you can expect that he’ll want to avoid the issue and come up with excuses to make himself look better to you (who he obviously cares about).
 
He finally got home around 8:30pm last night. I guess his tire did go flat, but he didn’t use his cell to call me when that happened. I still don’t know why he didn’t call me to ask me to go get him, he called his best buddy instead.

I was as calm as I could be. I asked him why he had done that, and all he said was he didn’t know why. He’s ashamed, very ashamed. Well, he should be! I told him he should’ve thought about things before even answering that woman’s message. He said he didn’t know what to say to her, so he rambled on and said those stupid things. He said he wasn’t going to call her, but right now, I don’t know what to think. He gave me his phone to show me he didn’t call her and told me he’d even give me all his passwords to his internet accounts so I could see he doesn’t talk to other women, esp. this one. I don’t need or want those codes. If he’s going to talk to other women, I told him he doesn’t need to be married. He wasn’t talking much, he let me do most of the talking. I’m surprised I wasn’t so angry when I was talking to him about this. I was very calm, maybe it’s a good thing he came home late. Maybe getting a flat tire was God’s way of calming me down so the baby wouldn’t suffer as much with my stress and anger.

Just to clarify something, he deleted his own account. I didn’t do anything. A poster said it was childish to do that because he was my husband not my child, well, he did it on his own, w/o my asking. After I said all I had to say, he didn’t have much to his defense, he couldn’t even look at me in the face. What he did say is that he would never cheat and he wanted to cancel all his internet accounts, inlcuding emails. I really don’t want him to do that but that’s up to him. After I said all I had to say, I went to the backyard and spent some time with buckie, my dog. I cried a bit sitting on our swing and went back inside. I took a really long shower and went to bed. I couldn’t sleep all night long, and what made me a bit mad was that he came to bed like nothing had happened and fell right asleep. I tossed and turned all night long. I couldn’t get up in the morning. He drove me to work today since I was really tired.

When he dropped me off, I told him I loved him and gave him a kiss. I didn’t want to leave and be angry at him, God forbid something would happen to him and my last words be “how could you?” instead of “I love you”. He was about to cry because I did that. He thought I would be leaving angry and not talk to him until getting off work.

On the way to work I tried asking why he needed to contact someone else, and he said it was just that one time and that’s why he doesn’t want the myspace account or any other account. He doesn’t want other people contacting him when his myspace was only for his cousins, nephew and for my cousin, sister and me to see.

After talking about this in the car, I feel the urge to go confess. I feel as though I judged him too harshly and need to speak to my pastor about this. This makes me wonder, how do non catholics do it? How can they sin and not confess? I’m so glad I can have Christ to talk to and actually hear his words saying “I forgive you”.
 
I forgot to mention, he did go to his friend’s house but he didn’t tell him what was going on between us. He’s afraid the people at his non-denom church would judge him. They tell each other everything. It’s very “community based”. If someone commits a sin everyone tries to help out so the person doesn’t fall again. Besides, he hates to bring people into our problems, he keeps them all to himself, just like I do, well, sort of, I have the fora, he doesn’t.
 
I don’t know what to say, foxc1. I’m glad you guys worked things out.
 
Prayers for your baby, your marriage and the conversion of your husband.
 
Prayers for the rebuilding of trust in your marriage. Put it in God’s hands and He’ll take care of it. 😉
 
You are so brave! Praise God for giving you the strength to face this problem the way you did. I’ll be praying for you, the baby and your DH.
 
Foxci1, I think you had a normal reaction. But if you feel bad, ask your priest if you sinned.

Maybe it is a good idea to get rid of the email accounts, and certainly the myspace, or at least keep your passwords open to each other. Maybe the unpleasantness of this was a warning to set up some hedges around your marriage so problems don’t come up later, when your husband is not feeling himself one day, and does a foolish thing that could be damaging. Maybe this made him realize what he could have done, under the right circumstances, and he feels bad now that he realizes what he could have lost. Maybe thats why he now wants to cut off the contacts to keep himself safe from that.

If you both agreed to measures you would both follow to prevent anything from coming in between your marriage, rather than as a “punishment” to him, then it could be a strengthening measure you both take together.

In the book A Severe Mercy, by Sheldon VanAuken (I just recommended this in another thread about soul mates), VanAuken and his soul mate/lover/ wife Davy had such a beautiful love. They wanted to protect it and preserve it always strong. Pooling what they had seen break down other great loves, they made up a list of rules to protect their love, and they called their rules the “Shining Barrier”. The rules were effective - their love grew remarkably and powerfully. Nothing could breech it - except, alas, God himself. But you have to read the book for that.

It might be worth it to check this out. It might give you ideas for formulating your own “shining Barrier”, along with your husband. Chapter Two, I believe, is the “Shining Barrier”, so you don’t have to read far into it (but then you probably won’t want to put it down). Also, this book is so popular and well-loved, you can probaly get it for a dollar or two at half.com.

…http://www.teenink.com/art/Sept04/ASevereMercyCover.jpeg
 
It took a lot of courage and humility for you to say ‘I love you’ and give him a kiss goodbye. I try to force myself to do that when I am mad at my DH.

Sounds like your husband just made a stupid mistake. We all do things like that. Seems to me that he learned his lesson. I hope you will be able to forgive and forget. Though, forgetting is the hardest part!
 
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