These are notes from two years ago, with no evidence of any activity since? He is transparent enough to give you access to his phone and his Facebook account? He didn’t know what you were talking about because you expected him to read your mind about something that he did two years ago and has probably forgotten about entirely?
You decided to marry him, knowing that you had supplanted someone else. Should he be jealous and suspicious of you, because you are a woman with a history of moving in on another woman’s boyfriend?
My advice on forgiveness is to admit to him that your jealousy and insecurity have to do with things in his past that are also in yours. That is a burden your relationship has to carry, because the two of you were complicit in how your relationship started, and it was in an ethical grey area in the most charitable reading, correct?
If your relationship is going to survive and be happy, you are going to have to either carry that burden together or else (better yet), put it down and let it go. Dare to believe that he wishes your relationship had started differently every bit as much as you do, and has no more power than you do to go back and do it differently.
Mostly, realize that depression affects your ability to see clearly very deeply. It makes it hard to see truly. Believing what you know in your mind instead of the awful things you feel is a lot of work. Try very hard to be kind to yourself and kind to your husband. Work with your counsellor to forge boundaries and ways of interacting with each other that will help you each to avoid hurting the other inadvertently. You have a tough path, so don’t beat yourself up for finding this hard, but work at it. You can do this, and for the sake of yourselves and your child, there is no work you will ever be more glad to have done.
Good luck to you!!
Well he said that there was the “initial” message where she contacted him. That one is NOT there. The one that is there is the one he created. He insists (and swears on his life) that she initiated the contact. He starts by saying hello friend and that he was trying to stay in touch. When she asked him if he had married me, he did not answer, quickly changed the subject and said “enough about me, tell me about you.” She then told him to request her on FB “and you will know all about me.” He replied “ladies first
”. There were a few messages after that and then it ended. Based on what I saw FB, he initiated this message, not her.
What pisses me off and hurts the most is that he is always so nice and flirtatious with other females yet with his wife he’s an ***.
“
You are always so nice to other women and such an *** with me” is not a method of husband criticism that you learned from your counsellor, right?
“I feel concerned that you don’t think much of me when you are so friendly with other women and don’t include me in the conversation or complement me in front of others. I feel it would be insulting for me to flirt with other men with you sitting there, and not to say anything about how happy I am to be attached to you and that some other girl will have to be lucky enough to find them, because I’m taken. It is nice to be nice, but if you give them better attention than you give me, you aren’t clear that you’re not looking to dump your old lady for a new model.”
Don’t make this about the old girlfriend and how he treated her. He can’t change that. Make this about how he is treating you right now, compared to how you want him to treat you and how you see yourself treating him. Then talk…
