Husband addicted to pornography

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My husband is addicted to pornography, but I think not quite ready to fight to let go of it. Right now he knows he’s addicted, but is making excuses that he can never over come it, that his inner “wiring” is against him quitting, that the Catholic Church just has ideals that he can never hope to achieve so why bother trying, etc. He pressures me sexually to do morally illicit things with him since we can’t always fully engage in intercourse. (I am still in recovery from childbirth.) He says that he’d rather be with me, but that when we can’t have intercourse, he has to find some way to relieve the tension. He’s been in this same place for years.

I don’t know what to tell him regarding the Church’s teachings. We’ve talked about what the teachings are, but he’s having trouble putting them into practice. He feels like I should compromise with him–that us doing something together is better than him turning to the porn, and that I should be willing to engage in activities with him when he is feeling weak. He feels like he should do this in baby steps–so instead of turning to the porn when we can’t have intercourse, doing another sexual activity with me is “less bad.” I’ve told him that it doesn’t make me feel good when he tells me this: that I feel like he’s just using me as an object to relieve the tension. That did not go over well. He got angry that I would dare think that–he loves me so much and works so hard for me and would rather do something with me, and I’m so ungrateful as to demand that he be perfect in this one area of his life. I don’t demand perfection, I know he’s human and he’s going to fall sometimes even though he tries, but I don’t think that is a good excuse for not trying to cut out all the illicit activity. I don’t beat him up when he tells me that he’s fallen into the trap of using porn again, but I do expect him to pick himself up and keep trying again rather than just expect me to do something illicit with him because he failed. Am I wrong to think that way? Right now, he’s saying that it’s going to be an all or nothing thing: if he completely gets rid of the porn and other sexual activities during our periods of abstinence, he has to completely get rid of all sex during any time. Because whenever he gets any type of stimulation, his brain sort of hyper-focuses on it and he can’t resist the temptation. So right now the choices he’s given me are: keep things the way they are, or no sexual aspect to our relationship ever. Obviously that solves nothing, and we’re both unhappy with both solutions. But right now he’s unwilling to try anything else.

What can I do? Say? He’s discussed this issue with our local priest, but unfortunately that did more damage than help. Our parish priests here are pretty liberal, so they basically told him, “as long as it’s with your wife, you don’t have to worry about it being immoral.” So then I got accused of trying to be “more Catholic” than the priests–if they don’t expect it of him, then neither should I. He has ADHD and has discussed this with his doctor–who basically told him that his morals are in conflict with his biology. I think right now he feels hopeless and like he can’t possibly succeed, and I think that is why he doesn’t want to put real effort into trying to quit his addiction and that is why he’s acting so angry with me. Because if he’s not really trying, then he can’t really fail. Or something like that. I don’t know where to go from here.
 
OpenArms said:
My husband is addicted to pornography, but I think not quite ready to fight to let go of it. Right now he knows he’s addicted, but is making excuses that he can never over come it, that his inner “wiring” is against him quitting, that the Catholic Church just has ideals that he can never hope to achieve so why bother trying, etc. He pressures me sexually to do morally illicit things with him since we can’t always fully engage in intercourse. (I am still in recovery from childbirth.) He says that he’d rather be with me, but that when we can’t have intercourse, he has to find some way to relieve the tension. He’s been in this same place for years.

I don’t know what to tell him regarding the Church’s teachings. We’ve talked about what the teachings are, but he’s having trouble putting them into practice. He feels like I should compromise with him–that us doing something together is better than him turning to the porn, and that I should be willing to engage in activities with him when he is feeling weak. He feels like he should do this in baby steps–so instead of turning to the porn when we can’t have intercourse, doing another sexual activity with me is “less bad.” I’ve told him that it doesn’t make me feel good when he tells me this: that I feel like he’s just using me as an object to relieve the tension. That did not go over well. He got angry that I would dare think that–he loves me so much and works so hard for me and would rather do something with me, and I’m so ungrateful as to demand that he be perfect in this one area of his life. I don’t demand perfection, I know he’s human and he’s going to fall sometimes even though he tries, but I don’t think that is a good excuse for not trying to cut out all the illicit activity. I don’t beat him up when he tells me that he’s fallen into the trap of using porn again, but I do expect him to pick himself up and keep trying again rather than just expect me to do something illicit with him because he failed. Am I wrong to think that way? Right now, he’s saying that it’s going to be an all or nothing thing: if he completely gets rid of the porn and other sexual activities during our periods of abstinence, he has to completely get rid of all sex during any time. Because whenever he gets any type of stimulation, his brain sort of hyper-focuses on it and he can’t resist the temptation. So right now the choices he’s given me are: keep things the way they are, or no sexual aspect to our relationship ever. Obviously that solves nothing, and we’re both unhappy with both solutions. But right now he’s unwilling to try anything else.

What can I do? Say? He’s discussed this issue with our local priest, but unfortunately that did more damage than help. Our parish priests here are pretty liberal, so they basically told him, “as long as it’s with your wife, you don’t have to worry about it being immoral.” So then I got accused of trying to be “more Catholic” than the priests–if they don’t expect it of him, then neither should I. He has ADHD and has discussed this with his doctor–who basically told him that his morals are in conflict with his biology. I think right now he feels hopeless and like he can’t possibly succeed, and I think that is why he doesn’t want to put real effort into trying to quit his addiction and that is why he’s acting so angry with me. Because if he’s not really trying, then he can’t really fail. Or something like that. I don’t know where to go from here.
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The doctor says his morals are in conflict with his biology :confused: Sounds odd to me. Is he taking medication (and other treatment measures) for the ADHD? That could be a HUGE part of resolving this issue. People with ADHD use things like porn to self-medicate. So if you can help him to medicate in the correct ways it may loosen the hold of the addiction on him. Don’t forget to pray daily for him–it sounds like he’s under true spiritual and psychological attack.
 
I would focus on the fact that he has a sex addition. That he cannot stop himself (he probably can but hasn’t to this point) from engaging in sexual activities. This is not normal, it is not how he is supposed to be. The more he gives into it the worse it will get. The good news is that after he does get it under control for awhile, this “hyper focus” will diminish and he will change back to the man you married pretty fast. He will however be able to fall back into it very quickly as well, so he will have to remain vigilant.

Here are some things that you can do to help him.
  1. Pray together.
  2. Stay in the same room at night.
  3. Find other things that you enjoy doing together.
  4. Put the computer in an open area.
  5. Put a cross above the tv, put a holy card in front of the computer
  6. Talk about the situation calmly if possible (you already know he is addicted)
  7. Encourage him to get involved a men’s group.
 
This is one of my pet peeves. Unless it is seriously interfering with his life, as in he is unable to go to work or get through a work day without porn, his eating and sleeping habits are being disrupted, and he gets anxious and angry without it it is not an addiction. He is just making a very hurtful and selfish choice because despite what he says in the afternoon when its nighttime and he’s horny its just easier to indulge and relieve himself than it is to go to bed without a release.

Do not let him off the hook with this “addiction” excuse. He is not addicted, he’s just putting his own physical needs above your feelings. Make it clear that you are holding him accountable for his CHOICE, because that’s what it is. Yes, acknowledging that it is a choice instead of an addiction is painful, and it should be. He is choosing to indulge in other women rather than wait lovingly for you to get better. That should hurt your marriage, you should be furious, and you should start making the demand that your feelings will come before porn, and if he can’t live with that then he needs to make other arrangements for a place to stay because you cannot deal with the hurt and stress of him engaging in that while you are trying to recover and care for a newborn. Seeing that you aren’t going to let him off with an “addiction” excuse and that you do expect him to be a full and complete husband to you and only you should snap him back to reality. If it doesn’t you know where your feelings and your marriage rank on his list of priorities and you can go from there.
 
And yes, for an atheist I have a pretty extreme stand on the use of porn by married or otherwise seriously committed people who’s spouses don’t consent to it.
 
Well for starters you can tell him that it’s a mortal sin and he’ll go to Hell for it…
 
Well I’m thinking he’ll tire of it at some time, just be ready to be there for him as the loving/forgiving wife he married. Apparently this is becoming more common as I see pamphlets for dealing with it in the vestibule…so you’re not alone.
 
I think you should contact the bishop about what the priest said because they are definitely incorrect in telling him that. It sounds like your husband doesn’t want to be a man. That term is used incorrectly these days. People think being a man means being “wired” to eyeball every woman they find attractive, watch pornography and masturbate when they can’t have sex. Being a man actually means sacrifice. A man is willing to sacrifice everything for his wife and family, even his own life. I am sorry your husband is trapped in the selfish lie of modern societies view of “manhood.” Pray for him but do not put yourself in sin by consenting to unnatural sex acts. If pornography is the choice he makes only he will be held accountable for it. I know it is painful but stay strong in prayer and you can change him.
 
onceablasphemer said:
I think you should contact the bishop about what the priest said because they are definitely incorrect in telling him that. It sounds like your husband doesn’t want to be a man. That term is used incorrectly these days. People think being a man means being “wired” to eyeball every woman they find attractive, watch pornography and masturbate when they can’t have sex. Being a man actually means sacrifice. A man is willing to sacrifice everything for his wife and family, even his own life. I am sorry your husband is trapped in the selfish lie of modern societies view of “manhood.” Pray for him but do not put yourself in sin by consenting to unnatural sex acts. If pornography is the choice he makes only he will be held accountable for it. I know it is painful but stay strong in prayer and you can change him.
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The proper course is to first talk to the priest, then talk to the pastor if he it is an associate priest in question. The bishop should be written if the issue is not resolved after these steps are taken. Remember the OP’s husband told her what the priest said. She did not hear it directly. He could very well have misunderstood or twisted what the priest said.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
This is one of my pet peeves. Unless it is seriously interfering with his life, as in he is unable to go to work or get through a work day without porn, his eating and sleeping habits are being disrupted, and he gets anxious and angry without it it is not an addiction. He is just making a very hurtful and selfish choice because despite what he says in the afternoon when its nighttime and he’s horny its just easier to indulge and relieve himself than it is to go to bed without a release.

Do not let him off the hook with this “addiction” excuse. He is not addicted, he’s just putting his own physical needs above your feelings. Make it clear that you are holding him accountable for his CHOICE, because that’s what it is. Yes, acknowledging that it is a choice instead of an addiction is painful, and it should be. He is choosing to indulge in other women rather than wait lovingly for you to get better. That should hurt your marriage, you should be furious, and you should start making the demand that your feelings will come before porn, and if he can’t live with that then he needs to make other arrangements for a place to stay because you cannot deal with the hurt and stress of him engaging in that while you are trying to recover and care for a newborn. Seeing that you aren’t going to let him off with an “addiction” excuse and that you do expect him to be a full and complete husband to you and only you should snap him back to reality. If it doesn’t you know where your feelings and your marriage rank on his list of priorities and you can go from there.
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BLE, while I appreciate your sentiment I should note that addiction is not an excuse. It’s not something that should let him off the hook. If anything, it should underscore how serious the situation is.

I don’t like how some people in recovery refer to themselves as “sick” or “ill.” That makes them sound like victims. Now in some cases, they are. In some cases they’re victims of childhood molestation or other abuses. In other cases, like mine, I was exposed to pornography and its self-medicating properties by my father. I stumbled onto his stuff and he was and still is a full-blown sex addict. I mean he has almost no self-control. It’s frightening and it most certainly interfered with his ability to make rational decisions.

In my life, my addiction caused my personality to change. Dramatically. I lashed out at my family all the time. I was an angry, passive-aggressive, totally out of control ball of lunacy and anxiety. It was utterly absurd and it was extremely hurtful for my wife. I basically committed emotional abuse every day for about two years.

Did I have a bad start? Yeah. Was I more susceptible because of circumstances beyond my control of falling into this addiction? Yes. Am I still responsible for my own actions and own sin? YES, YES, A THOUSAND TIMES YES.

I was dependent on self-medication to get me through the day. Totally and completely. Of course, like substance abusers, it really only made my anxieties and my problems worse. Only by admitting that I could not do this on my own have I actually been able to find myself now out of active addiction for quite some time.

I wanted to be done with it. I made firm resolutions over and over again. None of it helped. Only surrendering to Christ and trying to enter into a relationship with Him have I been able to fill the void I was piling up with garbage for so long.

I certainly see my self as being an addict. But do realize that the central focus of recovery is living a life of rigorous honesty. And part of that honesty is admitting that we were and are wrong. And while we got to the point where we were truly helpless and powerless over our own actions we made real and conscious decisions that led to getting to that point so we are far from guiltless. The terminology is not the best but please know that addicts that are serious about recovery do not see themselves as victims. We see ourselves as powerless to resist our addiction on our own, but with God we can do all things and we must take responsibility for our actions at all times.
 
Oh and tell him to at least have the temerity and guts to get backside into the CAF forum dedicated to this issue. Might open his eyes and yours.
 
Carolus_Martell said:
Well I’m thinking he’ll tire of it at some time, just be ready to be there for him as the loving/forgiving wife he married. Apparently this is becoming more common as I see pamphlets for dealing with it in the vestibule…so you’re not alone.
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Unfortunately it will likely get worse if not checked. He may muster the will power to break out(for this I pray), but he will not likely just get board with it be normal again. The more likely thing to occur if he is not satisfied by mere porn is for him to get into worse porn or move on to prostitutes, affairs or even gay affairs.

She definitely is a loving wife and is his greatest ally here on earth to beat this problem.
 
Remove from him or the house whatever is causing the temptation. That would be a starting point. He needs to get to the basics…go to mass as frequently as possible, reconciliation weekly if needed and he needs to pray and read scripture daily. With time, Gods grace will abound. But, that said, he has to come to the conviction of wanting to stop. This is a selfish behavior, not an addiction.
 
I don’t know how much I agree with that last sentiment whm. She’s not there to be his babysitter. And he’s the one hurting her. I don’t see why she needs to put herself more on the line to “help him through his problem.”

Personally my life turned around when my wife discovered my addiction and left for awhile. Best thing that ever happened to me. It immediately catapulted me to my bottom and from there I was able to accept God’s help.

My relationship with my wife is better. She gets that my addiction is not about her. She’s also still hurt by it. But I know second-hand from a friend of hers that she’s proud of the work I’ve done to turn my life and by extension our family’s lives around. She’s never expressed that sentiment to me and I totally understand why. I don’t think she ever should. Why should she give me plaudits for trying to heal damage that I should never have inflicted in the first place?!

It is enough that she is still here and comes up to me and gives me a hug or a kiss and tells me she loves me. It is enough that I know God loves me and will never stop loving me no matter what.

Maybe someday, years from now, she’ll say “You’re a good man, you know that? A good man.” Maybe not. That’s OK. She’s still here. She loves me even through the hurt. She’s trying to trust me more. I’m trying to win that trust every day even though I really don’t deserve it.

It’s more than enough.
 
Porknpie said:
This is a selfish behavior, not an addiction.
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It can start as a selfish behavior, but very much can become an additive, compulsive, destructive behavior. The individual does not want to do but does anyway and then feels like dirt and then does it again. Another term for it would be sin. I do get where you are coming from because ultimately they can stop, (as can other types of addicts), and the addictive aspects are not a valid excuse for the continued behavior nor do they change the fact that the behavior is always gravely sinful.
 
Porknpie said:
This is a selfish behavior, not an addiction.
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Speaking as someone who has been actively and fervently working to stop looking at pornography for the last year or so, I can tell you that it is not this simple. This has its own set of withdrawal symptoms associated with the excess dopamine that looking at pornography induces, and can be just as hard as any other addiction to overcome.
 
Thank you to all of you who have answered. I’m on my phone right now so I can’t write as much as I’d like to, but I will write more the next time I’m at a computer. I just wanted to comment on this:
whm said:
Here are some things that you can do to help him.
  1. Pray together.
  2. Stay in the same room at night.
  3. Find other things that you enjoy doing together.
  4. Put the computer in an open area.
  5. Put a cross above the tv, put a holy card in front of the computer
  6. Talk about the situation calmly if possible (you already know he is addicted)
  7. Encourage him to get involved a men’s group.
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1: we do this a bit, but I admit we aren’t as faithful about it as we could/should be.
2: he leaves the room after I fall asleep at night. Even if he’s been up and active since 4am, he still can’t shut his brain down by midnight the next night. It literally takes over all of his thoughts.
3/4: we’ve done this, see the answer for 2.
5: crucifixes are in place.
6: I’ve attempted this. Last time it resulted in him leaving. Which suited me alright because I figured it would give him the time and space he needed to do some real deep thinking. I’m not sure if it helped or not.
7: He wants none of this. He doesn’t want advice from people who don’t know him. He wants the advice of the doctor who says that his morals can’t line up with his biological needs. And the priest who told him just to make sure whatever he does is with me. And his dad who has the exact same problem he does. This is why I think it’s an addiction that he’s not willing to face yet. He wants to be told what he wants to hear, and he won’t listen to advice that tells him otherwise. And I don’t understand because I’m not a man and don’t understand how his brain works and am unwilling to help him by compromising my morals. I’m just wanting things my way and he’s always the one who has to make the changes because of something I read in some Catholic book, rather than listen to him. I know he’s just blaming me because what I’m saying isn’t easy to face. But it still hurts. I can’t do this for him. He’s got to get to a point where he takes responsibility for avoiding sin. It’s just difficult to wait for him to get there.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
This is one of my pet peeves. Unless it is seriously interfering with his life, as in he is unable to go to work or get through a work day without porn, his eating and sleeping habits are being disrupted, and he gets anxious and angry without it it is not an addiction. He is just making a very hurtful and selfish choice because despite what he says in the afternoon when its nighttime and he’s horny its just easier to indulge and relieve himself than it is to go to bed without a release.

Do not let him off the hook with this “addiction” excuse. He is not addicted, he’s just putting his own physical needs above your feelings.
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I could not agree more.

“Addiction” is a waaaaayyy too over used and abused term. I’ll use stronger words then BlueEyedLady did. I think it is a cop-out. “Addiction”, has taken over a word that was used in the past where addication is used now. That word is/was “habit”. Addiction does not equal habit. When I was a kid the word addiction had pretty much one meaning. It was usually referred to intraveneous drug use, most often heroin. With the idea being if a fix was not soon attained powerful physical illness would result. Nowadays the term addiction is used for any bad habit we may have attained through lack of willpower, laziness or a combination of both. I am not suggesting habits are easy to quit. But theycan be quit with a little willpower (perhpas a great deal of willpower), courage and fortitude. Prayer and a strong desire certainly help as well.

He can quit. My suggestion is to reinforce the pain this causes you to feel. Reinforce the disgust it causes you to feel. I am not at all suggesting you love him any less but showing you do not respect him for what he is doing is simply honest. Passing it off as an addiction reinforces his excuse to not stop. It is now a “disease”.

I believe he’ll get past this. I know he can. It’s a matter of his will.
 
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