Husband addicted to pornography

[Groo]

That’s just not going to work. Prayers for you but your husband needs a support group, needs a recovery plan and needs an intimate relationship with God.

I agree on all counts.

And your husband is correct in saying that he cannot attain sobriety through willpower. It hasn’t worked before; trying harder is not going to yield a different result. Self-made plans just don’t work. It is like asking an insane man to diagnose and prescribe a cure for his own insanity.

This addiction goes much much deeper than overactive hormones. I am sorry that you have received such poor counsel. Please consider finding a counselor who understands sex addiction. It is ultimately up to your husband to do the work of recovery, but at least a competent counselor can get him started on the right track if he is willing.

 

[Schieffelin]

Yes, he is being treated for his ADHD. Honestly, once he got his diagnosis, things took a bit of a downhill turn for him. Before he was diagnosed, he tried hard to do the right thing, not just with regards to porn, but in life in general. He’s had classic symptoms, but he’d been able to manage most parts of it. Then he was diagnosed, and he assumed that he would get medication for it. His doctor told him no–he has been successful so far, he was happy and holding a good job, performing well at work, in a stable relationship, basicaly able to manage things without for three decades, no need to medicate. He just recommended that my husband learn more techniques for time management and stress management etc. My husband wasn’t happy with that. He’d been expecting a wonder drug to make everything easy for him. His doctor isn’t the type to just push the pills–which I like.

So then the ADHD became his excuse for EVERYTHING. He had trouble concentrating, well he has ADHD he’s not supposed to concentrate well. He gets distracted, well he has ADHD that’s what it does to you. He gained weight, well the ADHD inhibits his impulse control so he just eats when food is around. It became his excuse to not have to attempt to have self-control.

I am not a doctor but I do know a good deal about ADHD and I feel comfortable saying that doctor is a complete idiot!!! First, he’s telling your husband that porn is natural. Second, he’s telling your husband not to take meds for his ADHD even though it sounds like that is exactly what your husband needs.

Please try to get him to another doctor ASAP. And go to someone who really really knows how to treat ADHD. Getting that treatment could really change your life dramatically for the better. And I’m not saying it’s an excuse for the immoral behavior, I’m just saying that practically speaking it could help a lot in overcoming the temptations.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I am not a doctor but I do know a good deal about ADHD and I feel comfortable saying that doctor is a complete idiot!!! First, he’s telling your husband that porn is natural. Second, he’s telling your husband not to take meds for his ADHD even though it sounds like that is exactly what your husband needs.

Please try to get him to another doctor ASAP. And go to someone who really really knows how to treat ADHD. Getting that treatment could really change your life dramatically for the better. And I’m not saying it’s an excuse for the immoral behavior, I’m just saying that practically speaking it could help a lot in overcoming the temptations.

Woah! Be very careful about giving medical advice on these forums. It’s not only against the rules but its irresponsible to tell someone that their doctor is “a complete idiot”.

Most doctors actually will not put an adult on meds for ADHD if they don’t have a problem keeping a job and maintaining a functioning household. They just won’t. Furthermore no doctor in their right mind is going to put someone on ADHD meds even though they’re functioning in hopes of getting them to stop masturbating. THAT would be irresponsible.

In addition most doctors and psychologists do in fact think that porn is normal. That’s pretty much the view of the secular medical community. But just because they think its normal does not mean that its something that she should have to tolerate in her marriage if it hurts her. I think porn is perfectly normal and acceptable if you are A. Not in a relationship, or B. In a relationship with someone who doesn’t care about porn. But I do care about porn and I have never tolerated it in a relationship once things started getting serious. I would not hesitate to leave my fiance if I found out that he was looking at porn. Medicine is not there to treat mismatched morals, it is there to treat medical conditions. A high sex drive and masturbation does not qualify.

 

[The_Bucket]

And “high sex drive” is also no excuse for masturbation and pornography use.

Outside of being a recovering porn addict, I’d say I’d qualify for having a high sex drive. I’m a man in my late 20s who is in decent shape. And basically I’d be up for every day, twice a day. But just because I’d be up for that does not mean I compulsively need it. That’s where I was when I was in the depths of my addiction. Not only was I mentally dependent on the chemical release in my brain but I was a bit physically dependent on it as well.

Now that I’m breaking this addiction, I find that my interest in sex is still high. There’s been no change there. Still up for it whenever my wife is and more than that. But the compulsion is gone. The need for some kind of chemical release just to get me through the day is gone.

 

[anonymous_in_fl]

To find a therapist that specializes in the treatment of sexual addiction, click on the link below:

iitap.com/

The vast majority of therapists who treat sexual addiction understand that the use of pornography and masturbation may be masking emotional issues. These therapists also have support for the spouse as well. If he won’t get help you still need to for yourself.

God bless you.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

And “high sex drive” is also no excuse for masturbation and pornography use.

Outside of being a recovering porn addict, I’d say I’d qualify for having a high sex drive. I’m a man in my late 20s who is in decent shape. And basically I’d be up for every day, twice a day. But just because I’d be up for that does not mean I compulsively need it. That’s where I was when I was in the depths of my addiction. Not only was I mentally dependent on the chemical release in my brain but I was a bit physically dependent on it as well.

Now that I’m breaking this addiction, I find that my interest in sex is still high. There’s been no change there. Still up for it whenever my wife is and more than that. But the compulsion is gone. The need for some kind of chemical release just to get me through the day is gone.

The OP has stated that her husband can go about a week without a release but after that he starts getting antsy and then masturbates if he doesn’t get sex. That sounds pretty normal to me. If his masturbation were interfering with work or sleep or eating that would be one thing, but this sounds completely normal.

And any medical professional would feel the same. It would be downright unethical for them to put him on medication for ADHD when he is functioning perfectly fine without it in hopes of getting him to stop using porn because neither porn use nor the behavior that the OP described is considered a medical problem by the medical community.

I think before dragging him to specialists she just needs to make herself clear that its her or the porn. He’s not addicted, he’s just being a jerk. If he isn’t willing to put his wife before porn then he should be cut free to find a woman who won’t insist that he does. I’m sure they’d deserve each other.

 

[Schieffelin]

Woah! Be very careful about giving medical advice on these forums. It’s not only against the rules but its irresponsible to tell someone that their doctor is “a complete idiot”.

Most doctors actually will not put an adult on meds for ADHD if they don’t have a problem keeping a job and maintaining a functioning household. They just won’t. Furthermore no doctor in their right mind is going to put someone on ADHD meds even though they’re functioning in hopes of getting them to stop masturbating. THAT would be irresponsible.

In addition most doctors and psychologists do in fact think that porn is normal. That’s pretty much the view of the secular medical community. But just because they think its normal does not mean that its something that she should have to tolerate in her marriage if it hurts her. I think porn is perfectly normal and acceptable if you are A. Not in a relationship, or B. In a relationship with someone who doesn’t care about porn. But I do care about porn and I have never tolerated it in a relationship once things started getting serious. I would not hesitate to leave my fiance if I found out that he was looking at porn. Medicine is not there to treat mismatched morals, it is there to treat medical conditions. A high sex drive and masturbation does not qualify.

I am not giving medical advice. I am simply pointing out that that doctor is not giving them good information. And it is not true that most doctors (not the ones that a highly experienced with ADHD anyway) will not put someone on meds just because they are highly functioning at work, etc. That is precisely my point–the way the doctor is handling the issue makes me question his level of expertise with this particular issue. I am not giving medical advice but I am speaking from personal experience with a long family history of ADHD and experience with many different doctors.

As I stated before, I am not saying that it will cure or excuse the problem with porn. But it is highly documented that people with ADHD are more likely to have addictions to things like porn and drugs because they are essentially self-medicating. If he was on the “good” kind of meds then it would be one step closer to helping he step away from bad coping mechanisms. I’m just trying to give the OP yet another angle to look at it from. I did not say the doctor should put him on meds so he would stop masturbating. You are oversimplifying and putting words in my mouth.

 

[whm]

That’s just not going to work. Prayers for you but your husband needs a support group, needs a recovery plan and needs an intimate relationship with God.

And your husband is correct in saying that he cannot attain sobriety through willpower. It hasn’t worked before; trying harder is not going to yield a different result. Self-made plans just don’t work. It is like asking an insane man to diagnose and prescribe a cure for his own insanity.

This addiction goes much much deeper than overactive hormones. I am sorry that you have received such poor counsel. Please consider finding a counselor who understands sex addiction. It is ultimately up to your husband to do the work of recovery, but at least a competent counselor can get him started on the right track if he is willing.

OP I believe that you should be very encouraged by your husbands agreement to try again. I disagree somewhat with the pessimistic sentiment of the above posters. I do agree with their recommendations and also agree that he will have a greater chance of success if he joins a support group etc, but I do not agree that your husband is doomed to fail nor do I agree that this development that he is going to try to stop again (but not embracing all of our recommendations) is a failure. Some people can’t get control of it by themselves and some can. Your husband is not by himself, he has you, he is trying again for and because of you. His primary issue is that he doesn’t believe it to be wrong and he has people all around him reinforcing that belief. Growing in your faith as a couple will help him greatly. Finding a good source of Catholic teachings and a good priest confessor will also help.

 

[The_Bucket]

I’m not saying he’s doomed to fail because he doesn’t do exactly what I or other people in recovery are doing. I’m saying he’s doomed to fail because he believes he’s doomed to fail.

The OP’s update that her husband believes that there’s little he can do about it and that he’s wired that way and he’ll try but whatever pretty much lays it out, doesn’t it?

I’d never say that my way is the only way. And I definitely agree that my addiction seems far deeper than the OP’s because a) there doesn’t seem to be any progression and b) he’s got ADHD… which could be half of the problem. I had progression, albeit limited compared to some other folks even in my own family, and I had no underlying medical problems save for maybe a touch of anxiety. Nothing that would be medicated, that’s for sure.

 

[OpenArms]

That’s just not going to work. Prayers for you but your husband needs a support group, needs a recovery plan and needs an intimate relationship with God.

I agree on all counts.

And your husband is correct in saying that he cannot attain sobriety through willpower. It hasn’t worked before; trying harder is not going to yield a different result. Self-made plans just don’t work. It is like asking an insane man to diagnose and prescribe a cure for his own insanity.

This addiction goes much much deeper than overactive hormones. I am sorry that you have received such poor counsel. Please consider finding a counselor who understands sex addiction. It is ultimately up to your husband to do the work of recovery, but at least a competent counselor can get him started on the right track if he is willing.

I agree, he needs a plan and a relationship with God. He is organizing his thoughts at the moment so that he can make a plan and go from there. I said it was a step, I did not say it solved the problem. I’m not under any delusions that this time he’s just going to quit cold turkey and be successful from here on out.

 

[OpenArms]

I am not a doctor but I do know a good deal about ADHD and I feel comfortable saying that doctor is a complete idiot!!! First, he’s telling your husband that porn is natural. Second, he’s telling your husband not to take meds for his ADHD even though it sounds like that is exactly what your husband needs.

Please try to get him to another doctor ASAP. And go to someone who really really knows how to treat ADHD. Getting that treatment could really change your life dramatically for the better. And I’m not saying it’s an excuse for the immoral behavior, I’m just saying that practically speaking it could help a lot in overcoming the temptations.

I know many adults personally who manage ADHD without meds, quite successfully. Medication is not always necessary. Most psychiatrists will not prescribe medication to an adult in this situation–one who has managed work and a family life successfully for many years. They teach ways for the individual to improve in the areas where they have trouble, but very rarely have I seen medication be introduced to an adult in this situation.

Most medical professionals and counselors do, in fact, view porn as normal. It’s a very accepted part of our society. And very unfortunate, as porn does a great deal of damage to all parties involved. But psychiatrists aren’t there to necessarily give moral guidance–that is the job of a spiritual director.

 

[OpenArms]

The OP has stated that her husband can go about a week without a release but after that he starts getting antsy and then masturbates if he doesn’t get sex. That sounds pretty normal to me. If his masturbation were interfering with work or sleep or eating that would be one thing, but this sounds completely normal.

And any medical professional would feel the same. It would be downright unethical for them to put him on medication for ADHD when he is functioning perfectly fine without it in hopes of getting him to stop using porn because neither porn use nor the behavior that the OP described is considered a medical problem by the medical community.

I think before dragging him to specialists she just needs to make herself clear that its her or the porn. He’s not addicted, he’s just being a jerk. If he isn’t willing to put his wife before porn then he should be cut free to find a woman who won’t insist that he does. I’m sure they’d deserve each other.

I agree. The medical community doesn’t see this as a problem, medically. It’s a moral problem.

And yes, we’re definitely going to have to have some in depth talks regarding his porn use. Now that he’s more willing to listen and not be so nasty in his response, I’m feeling a bit more confident with voicing it.

 

[OpenArms]

OP I believe that you should be very encouraged by your husbands agreement to try again. I disagree somewhat with the pessimistic sentiment of the above posters. I do agree with their recommendations and also agree that he will have a greater chance of success if he joins a support group etc, but I do not agree that your husband is doomed to fail nor do I agree that this development that he is going to try to stop again (but not embracing all of our recommendations) is a failure. Some people can’t get control of it by themselves and some can. Your husband is not by himself, he has you, he is trying again for and because of you. His primary issue is that he doesn’t believe it to be wrong and he has people all around him reinforcing that belief. Growing in your faith as a couple will help him greatly. Finding a good source of Catholic teachings and a good priest confessor will also help.

Thank you, I am encouraged by it. As I said, it’s a step. A baby step, but at least we’re starting somewhere. We’ll see how things look as he forms his action plan. I’m still on the search for a wise and holy priest. We live in a small city, so there aren’t many priests close by to choose from.

 

[OpenArms]

I’m not saying he’s doomed to fail because he doesn’t do exactly what I or other people in recovery are doing. I’m saying he’s doomed to fail because he believes he’s doomed to fail.

The OP’s update that her husband believes that there’s little he can do about it and that he’s wired that way and he’ll try but whatever pretty much lays it out, doesn’t it?

I’d never say that my way is the only way. And I definitely agree that my addiction seems far deeper than the OP’s because a) there doesn’t seem to be any progression and b) he’s got ADHD… which could be half of the problem. I had progression, albeit limited compared to some other folks even in my own family, and I had no underlying medical problems save for maybe a touch of anxiety. Nothing that would be medicated, that’s for sure.

His attitude will definitely hold him back. He’s not going to get any better if he doesn’t improve that. But the fact that he’s willing to try again makes me hopeful; a week ago he wouldn’t even agree to that. So there’s a shift of some sort going on in his mind, even if it’s happening slowly. I’m not saying that this makes everything better–far from it. But he’s got to start somewhere and build from there.

 

[Schieffelin]

I know many adults personally who manage ADHD without meds, quite successfully. Medication is not always necessary. Most psychiatrists will not prescribe medication to an adult in this situation–one who has managed work and a family life successfully for many years. They teach ways for the individual to improve in the areas where they have trouble, but very rarely have I seen medication be introduced to an adult in this situation.

Most medical professionals and counselors do, in fact, view porn as normal. It’s a very accepted part of our society. And very unfortunate, as porn does a great deal of damage to all parties involved. But psychiatrists aren’t there to necessarily give moral guidance–that is the job of a spiritual director.

I’m not saying that medication is always necessary. I am saying that there is a lot of evidence here that it could possibly drastically help this particular man and that it is suspect that his doctor will not even put that on the table as an option. It sounds like the OP’s husband actually wanted to try the meds but the doctor would not offer that to him. I find that very strange.

Again, I am NOT saying that everyone with ADHD must take medication. What I’m trying to say is it sounds like it should at least be a consideration for this man. And perhaps I spoke to strongly calling the doctor an idiot. What I should have said is that they should get a new doctor–one that does more thoroughly understand pornography addiction and ADHD symptoms.

 

[OpenArms]

I’m not saying that medication is always necessary. I am saying that there is a lot of evidence here that it could possibly drastically help this particular man and that it is suspect that his doctor will not even put that on the table as an option. It sounds like the OP’s husband actually wanted to try the meds but the doctor would not offer that to him. I find that very strange.

He wants to try the meds because he thinks that he’ll be able to take a pill and boom all of his problems will be solved. He won’t have to use any self control because the pill will do it for him. He won’t have to think anymore because the pill will just magically make him smarter.

Seriously, he dealt with all of his normal issues fine before he was diagnosed because he believed that he could. Now that he has an excuse, he thinks he shouldn’t have to work for it: either his meds will do it for him or -hey!- he has ADHD so he has no control over it anyways and people understand. Once he gets to the point of realizing that the world won’t make special excuses for him because he has ADHD, he will be able to move forward again. I believe *that *is the reason the doctor won’t prescribe medication at this time. It’s not some miracle cure, he’ll still have to put in his own hard work to get through the day.

 

[Schieffelin]

He wants to try the meds because he thinks that he’ll be able to take a pill and boom all of his problems will be solved. He won’t have to use any self control because the pill will do it for him. He won’t have to think anymore because the pill will just magically make him smarter.

Seriously, he dealt with all of his normal issues fine before he was diagnosed because he believed that he could. Now that he has an excuse, he thinks he shouldn’t have to work for it: either his meds will do it for him or -hey!- he has ADHD so he has no control over it anyways and people understand. Once he gets to the point of realizing that the world won’t make special excuses for him because he has ADHD, he will be able to move forward again. I believe *that *is the reason the doctor won’t prescribe medication at this time. It’s not some miracle cure, he’ll still have to put in his own hard work to get through the day.

I understand what you’re saying and yes, he obviously has much deeper problems to deal with. That does not mean that he doesn’t need the medication. In fact, if he tried the medication and it didn’t solve all his problems overnight (as it won’t) then hopefully that will help break down the denial and escapism. And hopefully it will also give him the extra tools he needs to start making real change. It’s like a person with poor vision who really needs glasses to see. An ADHD person’s brain often needs medication for that extra “boost” to help him deal with the deeper problems.

All I am simply trying to say again and again is that people with ADHD frequently turn to porn as a means of self-medication, and if they had the proper medication from a well-trained doctor then it might cut down on the compulsive aspect of the addiction. It is one of many underlying problems that needs to be addressed. I am surprised that this point seems to be so controversial

 

[djeter]

http://payingattentiontothesky.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/482148396_addict_xlarge1.jpg?w=450

A number of readings on pornography here. Thr Roger Scruton pieces are amazing. I learned alot from the Pamela Paul posts.

A woman writes to a local newspaper, “We’ve been together five years, lived together half that time. We have a loving, happy relationship. Recent I discovered via the computer that he’s fascinated by hard-core pornography, lots of it. When confronted, he said I have no right to be upset, though he’s aware it offends me; he insisted I let it go. He’s still spending hours looking at this and I’m disgusted…. I’ve tried to discuss how degrading and controlling this seems to me, but he is not willing to give it up. I know many people think it’s harmless, but it’s making me question whether I’m willing to continue a relationship with someone who can disregard my feelings so easily.”

The Pornified/Harris poll found that overall, 34% of women see men using pornography as cheating in absolutely all cases. Yet only 17% of men equated pornography with cheating. Indeed, most men who use pornography tend to see pornography as not cheating: A man has his needs, and he’s fulfilling them in a way that prevents him from cheating on his wife with a real woman. According to the Pornified/Harris poll, 41% of men say pornography should never be considered cheating. Only 18% of women felt the same way.

Once she’s discovered his pornography, what next? Psychotherapist Marlene Spielman says when a woman finds out about a partner’s pornography habit, the result is usually a back and forth of very strong emotions. The woman typically feels, hurt angry and betrayed. Confronted husbands often begin with denial before confessing the truth, followed by a big fight, blaming, and accusations. He may accuse her of driving him to it; she might point to his avoidance of problems in the relationship.

In the 2004 Elle/MSNBC.com poll, one in four divorced respondents said internet pornography and chat had contributed to their split. At the 2003 meeting of American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, a gathering of the nation’s divorce attendees documented a startling trend. Nearly two-thirds of the attorneys present had witnessed a sudden rise in divorces related to the internet; 58% of those were the result of a spouse looking at excessive amounts of pornography online. According to the association’s president, Richard Barry, “Eight years ago, pornography played almost no role in divorces in this country. Today, there are a significant number of cases where it plays a definite part in marriages breaking up.

Lots more like the above.

dj

 

[Captain_America]

Points I’d make.

a) all men like to see naked women

b) the organization of the internet makes this easy to do on a computer

c) the organization of the internet could easily be changed to make this difficult to do

d) medical science promotes masturbation

e) very soon, medical science will note the physical dangers of pornography use

f) confusing to me that women don’t object to pornography on the political stage

g) there needs to be a broader-held sense of the Public Good in order to fight pornography; right now, people just fall apart and go away when confronted with the libertarian (victimless crime, free speech, etc.) argument.

h) women are being coopted by the porn industry, as the industry makes product that appeals more to women

i) devastating consequences to families, to children and to the nation. And we find the pornographers hiding behind the First Amendment.

j) the most effective way to end a porn habit is the sacrament of confession.

 

[The_Bucket]

Just a note on that last point, Captain America. I disagree.

I confessed that sin at every confession from when I was 13 until I was 22. Then every confession from about 25 to 27. Reconciliation removes the stain from the soul but it doesn’t uproot the propensity to fall into that sin over and over again.