Hi,
Now I am not a domineering person in any way, shape or form. My wife could attest to this. I always listen and am willing to change my mind if I feel that the needs of another are not being met. However, I have found this leadership role is very hard to put into practice. I feel that with my wife it is never just a settled matter. I feel that my decision will be constantly questioned and undermined until I finally give in and give her what she wants. And yes, we have talked about this and she has even recognized this tendency in herself but it still happens (she doesn’t necessarily think about it when she does it, it just comes naturally to her). So I guess my question is how I ought to respond to this.
**I haven’t caught up with the thread yet, but maybe you guys need a more consensus-based model?
That way, once you make a decision together and then she tries to revisit the deal, you can ask her, “We made this decision together. What has changed since then?”
I mentioned it in a previous thread that when my husband and I got married, I was very gungho about submission, even though it was really not a good fit for me and my husband. Your wife may be the same way. You may need to bring her more into the decision-making process. That may sound really abstract, but that’s basically what happened with my husband and me and money. I used to be a “daddy’s little princess” about money, having very little idea of how much we had, but knowing exactly what I wanted. The cure for me came, a number of years later, by being involved in the budgeting process (we hadn’t previously had one) and developing a more grownup view of our family resources and the need to choose between different nice things, not just get all the nice things.
So, maybe developing your personal finance process might show you the way in other areas? That’s how it worked for us. I’ve learned a lot from Dave Ramsey’s money and marriage advice and his thoughts about consensus in budgeting. I strongly recommend taking DR’s Financial Peace University or something similar.
**
An example in our case would be the one of fertility. My wife and I are both committed to using NFP and, as our instructor told us, would have “the talk” about whether or not to avoid or achieve pregnancy that month. When we were first married, we talked about this, and I explained that I wanted to try to avoid in the beginning (though I expressed that I didn’t have an intention of avoiding for a very long time). My reasoning was that we were newly married, had just bought a house (or rather, I had just bought a house, since we’re a single income family right now), the house needed work and I had other financial obligations to attend to, and I wanted to practice the avoiding part of NFP so that we could get the hang of it and feel comfortable with it.
If your wife’s name is on the mortgage, you both bought the house.
She initially agreed to this. But it wasn’t settled. Every time she would see a baby or baby clothes, she would talk about how much she wanted one, but, “husband wants to wait.” She would always bring up how all our newly married Catholic friends are having babies now. And she would always question whether we were being really open to life. Eventually I gave in and we became pregnant three months into our marriage. I am not sorry about being pregnant; what’s done is done and I will be happy to be a father. What I am sorry about is how we came to that decision. It feels wrong. I have been very bitter and feel that I didn’t really have a say in the matter after all. I couldn’t understand why it would be such a terrible thing for her to wait maybe six months to a year before thinking about getting pregnant, instead of getting pregnant right now.
**Alternately, she might think that she couldn’t understand why it would be a terrible thing to have a baby now rather in six months. See? It works both ways.
It’s too late now, but for next time, try saying something like, “I’m concerned about our ability to deal with increased expenses with a second baby. We’re going to need $X a month extra for second baby expenses. Let’s practice and see if we can live on our income, minus $X. Once we manage that for two months in a row, I’m happy to try for a second baby.” See, you’re agreeing with her, and all she has to do is hit the target two months in a row (or whatever you decide–but don’t be a big meanie about it). **
A more recent example is in choosing a parish. My wife and I had disagreed about which parish to make our home parish. The one she wants to go to is the one she’s been going to since she was a little girl. The only problem I have with this parish is that the priest says things in his homily that are at times highly questionable theologically, there is too much liturgical liberty, and there are also fundraising activities during the mass that are done in a way that seems very wrong. My wife also recognizes these problems but has an emotional attachment to the church. I have been wanting to go to a parish that has solid priests, has a very active ministry life including faith formation and apologetics, and is faithful to the liturgy. She has agreed to defer to me on this matter but has again made subtle remarks and such to undermine my decision. I have remained steadfast on this, partly out of stubbornness, because for once I want to be able to have a say in something. But this also kind of feels wrong.
). It also sounds as if your wife is getting into a poisonous habit of manipulation because she doesn’t feel able to state her preferences clearly (or doesn’t feel that she will be really listened to if she does). That’s no good at all.