Husband desensitized to violence in movies

[TheWarriorMonk]

Some people are just keenly aware that it’s ‘make believe’. They are unable to connect the image to the reality.

I concur, especially in the case of men, as others have noted. Many people react different depending on whether or not the situation is real. For example, The Walking Dead is one of the most popular and violent shows on TV, yet many people can sit through it and watch it with little reaction. Now stick one of those terrorist videos where they do the same thing to people, except is it real, in front of that same crowd and notice the difference in reaction.

 

[nickybr38]

I concur, especially in the case of men, as others have noted. Many people react different depending on whether or not the situation is real. For example, The Walking Dead is one of the most popular and violent shows on TV, yet many people can sit through it and watch it with little reaction. Now stick one of those terrorist videos where they do the same thing to people, except is it real, in front of that same crowd and notice the difference in reaction.

Just to clarify, I am not a man. >.<

And I have seen those gore sites that show REAL violence. I wasn’t able to watch any of them. It made me physically sick.

When I watch violence in films, however, I know it’s make believe so it doesn’t bother me in the least.

 

[UnumCorpus]

Well, the way he admitted it so blatantly seems kind of disturbing.

Us guys are generally more callous to those things by nature than women are, since we’re biologically, emotionally, and theologically heads, guardians, and hunter killers by design. I cried during the Passion of the Christ and I won’t say the torture was “easy” to watch, but I never needed to turn my head away either. This is probably fairly common among Christian men and I wouldn’t be disturbed that he wasn’t cringing as badly as you were.

Maybe he should stop watching certain extremely violent movies. Human beings are sensual creatures and what we see, hear, taste, touch, feel, and experience will have an effect on who we are, how we think, and how we behave. Whoever should deny this truth of our humanity is guilty of pride.The Passion of the Christ is immensely violent, but in the context that it is presented, it does not desensitize a person to it.

I agree with most of your points on this thread, TK421. However I take issue with your bolded statement above.

My husband for instance sees himself as a “lover” rather than a “fighter”. Any man who sees himself in this fashion has an aversion to violence by nature and is not more calloused to it than women. In fact ut of the two of us, I’m the one who is probably more desensitized to violence (though even I will not watch “Passion of the Christ” because I know it will bother me too much). My husband is very bothered by extreme violence in some films, particularly gangster movies.

Now I don’t know if the men in my life are an anomaly, but my father and father-in-law are like this as well. My father and brother are both very squeamish when it comes to violence. They even hate reading about it in books. My father-in-law is the same way. When he used to take my husband fishing, he even showed real remorse at the fish they caught. My father-in-law is very concerned with animals and treating them with respect.

Even Scripture shows that it is not good to be calloused towards violence. Actually were not the Levites exempt from military service? At any rates, there are hints in the Pentateuch that violence and military action, while necessary at times, caused a person to be less clean/holy. And if we consider the time period they were living in, that is startling and very counter-culture to other peoples of the region who glorified violence and conquest.

At any rate, back to the original point. Essentially I do not think desensitization to violence is a problem exclusive to men. Some men are desensitized, others are not. Same with women. I am not a person who thinks there are zero differences between the sexes, but I don’t believe adversion to violence is one of them.

 

[TK421]

Just to clarify, I am not a man. >.<

And I have seen those gore sites that show REAL violence. I wasn’t able to watch any of them. It made me physically sick.

When I watch violence in films, however, I know it’s make believe so it doesn’t bother me in the least.

Human emotion is an extremely unreliable standard of measurement to determine what is or isn’t a positive spiritual good.

 

[nickybr38]

Human emotion is an extremely unreliable standard of measurement to determine what is or isn’t a positive spiritual good.

Being able to watch violent films without emotional response does NOT a bad person make. The OP was concerned for her husband. I say she has nothing to be concerned about. He isn’t a bad person or a bad Christian because he doesn’t cry when he watches the Passion of the Christ.

Bottom line.

 

[Nelka]

Is there a connection?

Do you remember the little boy looking for a hiding place in Schindler’s List? I saw that film many times but some months ago I watched it again, the first time as a father and I felt very sad, it felt like that was my son so frightened and looking for a place to hide.

What about adverts for starving children in Africa? We have been bombarded over the years in England for so long that it doesn’t hit home in the same way as it did on the news all those years ago. It just comes across as natural which is awful really.

I guess it is the same as pain, when I worked at mcdonalds many years ago it got to the point where you burnt your hands with boiling chip fat so many times that you would just wipe the hot fat off your arm with your other hand. Very strange.

 

[thewanderer]

Just to clarify, I am not a man. >.<

And I have seen those gore sites that show REAL violence. I wasn’t able to watch any of them. It made me physically sick.

When I watch violence in films, however, I know it’s make believe so it doesn’t bother me in the least.

Yup, and, again, in case anyone missed it, I am also a woman, not a man. I haven’t actually seen those gore sites, but heard about them, and the thought that such a thing existed was almost enough to make me physically sick. I am not desensitized to violence, but it really just usually doesn’t bother me when its fake.

 

[nickybr38]

Yup, and, again, in case anyone missed it, I am also a woman, not a man. I haven’t actually seen those gore sites, but heard about them, and the thought that such a thing existed was almost enough to make me physically sick. I am not desensitized to violence, but it really just usually doesn’t bother me when its fake.

I’m starting to think you and I should go see a movie sometime.

Haha.

 

[thewanderer]

Human emotion is an extremely unreliable standard of measurement to determine what is or isn’t a positive spiritual good.

Being able to watch violent films without emotional response does NOT a bad person make. The OP was concerned for her husband. I say she has nothing to be concerned about. He isn’t a bad person or a bad Christian because he doesn’t cry when he watches the Passion of the Christ.

Bottom line.

You two do realize you are not contradicting each other, right? You are both making a point that the other person has not disagreed with, and you just keep repeating the point, but because you are repeating it, you both think the other person is trying to disagree with you, but they’re not, they are just trying to make their own separate point which you have not yet acknowledged to their satisfaction.

 

[nickybr38]

You two do realize you are not contradicting each other, right? You are both making a point that the other person has not disagreed with, and you just keep repeating the point, but because you are repeating it, you both think the other person is trying to disagree with you, but they’re not, they are just trying to make their own separate point which you have not yet acknowledged to their satisfaction.

I actually have extreme difficulty understanding TK so no, I didn’t realize that.

What I hear TK saying is that watching violent films changes who we are and how we view the world (I disagree with that).

I also hear him saying that it is somehow spiritually damaging to watch violence in movies (I also disagree).

So… if I’m misunderstanding then I have been arguing for no reason.

 

[Mcubed]

Thank you all for responding so far. You have given me much to think about and helped me to identify my primary concern:
Overall, my husband lacks emotional intelligence (EI) and I wonder if this is somehow related to his desensitization to violence in movies. I am not saying this to demean my husband, he is an extremely intelligent man and I fully respect him. We have had plenty of conversations about the differences in our EI and how it can negatively impact our communication. So then this leads me back to my experience discussing the Passion movie with him, do I just shrug and say to myself, “well, that is just how he is and don’t worry about it” or do I address this with him, knowing it could help improve his self awareness regarding EI?

 

[thewanderer]

I actually have extreme difficulty understanding TK so no, I didn’t realize that.

What I hear TK saying is that watching violent films changes who we are and how we view the world (I disagree with that).

I also hear him saying that it is somehow spiritually damaging to watch violence in movies (I also disagree).

So… if I’m misunderstanding then I have been arguing for no reason.

Honestly, if you don’t think what we watch and read and think about ends up affecting our outlook on life I’m really not sure what to say, it seems pretty obvious that it does. We are constantly affected and changed by our environment, whether its the people we hang out with, the aesthetics around us, what we think and talk about with others, or what we read or watch. Of course things like that affect us. I guess I misunderstood you then, I took you to simply be saying that the fact that someone is not emotionally moved by a violent movie does not mean they have been desensitized to violence in general, nor does it mean that their lack of emotion is wrong or caused by watching violent movies. Which I agree with 100%, but it looks like you were trying to say even more than that.

 

[thewanderer]

Thank you all for responding so far. You have given me much to think about and helped me to identify my primary concern:
Overall, my husband lacks emotional intelligence (EI) and I wonder if this is somehow related to his desensitization to violence in movies. I am not saying this to demean my husband, he is an extremely intelligent man and I fully respect him. We have had plenty of conversations about the differences in our EI and how it can negatively impact our communication. So then this leads me back to my experience discussing the Passion movie with him, do I just shrug and say to myself, “well, that is just how he is and don’t worry about it” or do I address this with him, knowing it could help improve his self awareness regarding EI?

I’m not all that familiar with “Emotional Intelligence” but I do know that both me and my husband agree that I am pretty good at understanding other people’s emotions, feeling for others, sympathizing and empathizing. This is true despite the fact that I really don’t get upset or disturbed by violence in most movies. I don’t know what that means for your husband, but I just thought I would throw it out there in case its helpful.

 

[nickybr38]

Honestly, if you don’t think what we watch and read and think about ends up affecting our outlook on life I’m really not sure what to say, it seems pretty obvious that it does. We are constantly affected and changed by our environment, whether its the people we hang out with, the aesthetics around us, what we think and talk about with others, or what we read or watch. Of course things like that affect us. I guess I misunderstood you then, I took you to simply be saying that the fact that someone is not emotionally moved by a violent movie does not mean they have been desensitized to violence in general, nor does it mean that their lack of emotion is wrong or caused by watching violent movies. Which I agree with 100%, but it looks like you were trying to say even more than that.

I just don’t see how it does? I spent the first 18 years of my life without television and films. And I’ve spent the last ten+ years watching horror movies and violent films. I’m not a violent person. I’m a very gentle, kind person offline. Online I can come across aggressive in arguments but I would NEVER knowingly harm another human being. So, in my experience, what I have consumed as entertainment has not changed my outlook on life.

I do not view violence as okay. I do not condone séances or ghost hunting or any of those things but I can watch a film about it and be entertained.

 

[nickybr38]

Thank you all for responding so far. You have given me much to think about and helped me to identify my primary concern:
Overall, my husband lacks emotional intelligence (EI) and I wonder if this is somehow related to his desensitization to violence in movies. I am not saying this to demean my husband, he is an extremely intelligent man and I fully respect him. We have had plenty of conversations about the differences in our EI and how it can negatively impact our communication. So then this leads me back to my experience discussing the Passion movie with him, do I just shrug and say to myself, “well, that is just how he is and don’t worry about it” or do I address this with him, knowing it could help improve his self awareness regarding EI?

Are you his wife or his teacher? Is it your place to improve his self awareness? Is there something inherently wrong with his emotional intelligence that actually need to be fixed?

(not judgmental questions, just think these are questions you should ask yourself)

 

[thewanderer]

I just don’t see how it does? I spent the first 18 years of my life without television and films. And I’ve spent the last ten+ years watching horror movies and violent films. I’m not a violent person. I’m a very gentle, kind person offline. Online I can come across aggressive in arguments but I would NEVER knowingly harm another human being. So, in my experience, what I have consumed as entertainment has not changed my outlook on life.

I do not view violence as okay. I do not condone séances or ghost hunting or any of those things but I can watch a film about it and be entertained.

Saying that what you watch and read and think about affects you doesn’t mean that if you watch violent movies you are going to become a violent person. What you watch has not made you into a violent person, but it has surely helped to shape who you are, whether you realize it or not. We are human, all of our experiences help to shape who we are. It just doesn’t make any sense to claim that some experiences are exempt from this.

 

[nickybr38]

Saying that what you watch and read and think about affects you doesn’t mean that if you watch violent movies you are going to become a violent person. What you watch has not made you into a violent person, but it has surely helped to shape who you are, whether you realize it or not. We are human, all of our experiences help to shape who we are. It just doesn’t make any sense to claim that some experiences are exempt from this.

sigh

Fair enough. We’ll just have to agree to disagree.

What entertains me does not define me but I guess you disagree… in which case, should you continue watching films with violence in them? Maybe I detract my offer to go see a movie sometime.

 

[thewanderer]

sigh

Fair enough. We’ll just have to agree to disagree.

What entertains me does not define me but I guess you disagree… in which case, should you continue watching films with violence in them? Maybe I detract my offer to go see a movie sometime.

I never said it defines you, but it does, inevitably shape you, what it is, your experience of it, and your reaction to it all shapes you, Again, that does not mean that watching violent films will make you violent. (And not all violence is bad, sometimes violence is required and the only moral course of action) I don’t know… I just get the feeling that your rejecting the idea that your experiences could shape you because you’re tired of hearing people talk about how terrible violent movies are and how they worry their kids will become violent because of the movies they watch and the games they play. If you really don’t think people are affected by what they watch I would like you to think about porn, or the book “Fifty Shades of Grey”. If its really true that what we watch and read and experience does not affect us in any way shape or form you should not have a problem with people watching and reading such things for the arousal and pleasure they get from them. But I suspect you would agree that such things are dangerous and certainly never to be engaged in for the sake of lust. In which case you would have to agree that what you watch and read etc can effect us and shape who we are.

 

[Mcubed]

Are you his wife or his teacher? Is it your place to improve his self awareness? Is there something inherently wrong with his emotional intelligence that actually need to be fixed?

(not judgmental questions, just think these are questions you should ask yourself)

I am his wife first and foremost. And while I don’t see my role as being his teacher, I do see it as being his helpmate. Especially when we as a couple have already identified his lack of EI and it’s effect on our communication and relationship. There are many ways we are attempting to address this and one way (through the advice of a trusted Catholic therapist) is for me to help him by identifying things that may be obvious to me but not to him, so to help him learn how to identify his and others emotions.

And yes, his EI is lacking so much that it is causing marital strife. I don’t feel that I need to provide examples as this has already been identified by the afore-mentioned therapist.

In regards to some of the responses, I keep thinking of the term “custody of the eyes.” While I think this term is generally referred to when discussing an encounter with obscene or pornographic material, I think it too can refer to encounters with violent images, whether they are real or created.

 

[TK421]

A wife belongs to her husband, and the husband belongs to his wife. It is both the honor and the obligation of the spouse to admonish and edify one another in charity, in holiness, and in conviction.

Postmodernist thinking would have us believe that we have no place to correct one another. For some people, this nonsense has penetrated so deeply that it has warped their conscience, so that they actually feel guilty by doing what is actually an act of virtue. This aspect of postmodernism is heresy (it is also stupidity). The Church has battled countless legions of heresies in the past. They have warred against Her, but they have not prevailed. Neither will this.

She has every duty and right to discuss these things with him. Even if it turns out her fears are entirely unfounded, it doesn’t matter. Who are we? Are we so weak and feeble in spirit that we would be wounded and offended that one of our brethren, especially our spouse, would reach out to us in concern? Are we content to accept such an undeveloped character & spirituality? Shouldn’t we instead be taking delight in such acts of love?