Husband doesn't bathe--PLEASE help!

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NurseyJ

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I am finding myself thoroughly disgusted and pissed off at my husband. He seldom showers. Even though I have told him that this bothers me (MANY times) and affects the way I feel about him, he doesn’t seem to care. I’ve inquired if he is depressed, which he adamantly denies. He has some minor health and dental issues that need to be addressed but despite my asking him to address them, he just doesn’t seem to care and never addresses them. He has time to play computer games before bed but apparently not to shower. What can I do? I am extremely resentful. (By the way, I take good care of my appearance and hygiene needs and consider myself a pretty decent wife and mom).
 
It’s strange to fathom why an adult would refuse to shower,unless perhaps he has depression, but in his case it’s pure laziness,
What can you do with a Slob ? Has he always been like this ?
Is anyone else in his direct family a slob as well ?
Your house must smell as well…and he can’t smell it either,
How about clothes on the floor ? Bathroom ? Gardens & lawns ? Who does yard work ?
Does he actually have a job ? What kind of job is it ? Is it a clean job or dirty job like
Tyre fitting ?
 
Hi Nursey,

For the dental and minor health issues, I’d be inclined to just make the appointments for him myself: “DH, you have a dentist appointment right after work on Thursday. If that time doesn’t work for you, here’s the number you can call to reschedule or they charge us a $50 fee for not showing.” This would work with my DH b/c he doesn’t like scheduling or cancelling stuff but he’s also pretty cheap. If your DH is lazy, it might work for him as well. Or make his doctor and dental appointments to coincide with yours so you can go together.

As for the shower thing, what if you were to sit him down some evening and say something along the lines of, “Look, DH, I’m really concerned about this. I’ve mentioned repeatedly that it really bothers me when you choose to only shower x times a week and instead play video games every night. I realize you need to unwind at night, but I also need you to show me that you care about my feelings. I really think we need to get marriage counseling to work through this, because it’s THAT important to me.” What would he say?
 
I’m not sure if this is entirely serious… uh… what about… sex in the shower? Do you think that might convince him to take more showers?

I agree with Prodigal_Son, though. Missing vital daily hygiene habits in favour of a computer game is usually not a good sign. At least, as far as I’ve seen in my own life.
 
I have quite a few friends whose husbands are video gamers. The will spend hours on the weekends just playing their X box or whatever it is…I would toss that thing out the window but that’s just me 😉
Could you casually accidentally loosen a wire so that the gaming system isn’t working one day? So he can’t play and he has to do something else? Or would that drive him absolutely nuts? Otherwise, take the controller and hide it. Tell him you’ll give it back when he has cleaned himself up 😃
 
I’m so sorry. This must be really hard for you. I am very, very sensitive to smells and this would be very hard for me to accommodate.

You say that you have told him many times how much this bothers you. One thing I wonder is - have you hinted, or told him outright? I know it can be difficult to tell someone they have poor hygiene, and sometimes people don’t understand hints that are meant to preserve their dignity. :o

If you have told him outright and he STILL responds the way he does, I might suggest going for outside help with how to deal with it. Not only is it possibly unhealthy, but if one spouse is seriously unhappy about something, the other should take steps to try and fix it. Your desire that your spouse be clean is NOT unreasonable in the slightest.
 
Did he shower/bathe before you got married?

Sorry, but this is a sign of something amiss. Sounds like depression to me, or some sort of anxiety about seeing a dentist/doctor.

Now this is just me, but I know a man that would get a bucket of soapy water poured over his head! And I would tell him, that showers and bathing were not an option. He could sleep on the couch too, because I would not sleep with him until he did shower/bathe.

If that didn’t do it, someone could move out, and it would not be me. Sorry folks, but there are places one has to draw a line in the sand, and for me this would be one of them. Clean up or move on. Get help or find an apartment.

There is just no reason to go around stinky and gross.
 
Does he have a job? There aren’t many jobs where you can get away with not showering.
 
I suggest one of those soap sprayers you attach to a garden hose. Hose him down and then you and the kids tackle him with sponges and scrub brushes. 😃

In seriousness if he wasn’t like this before I’d question what has changed. There is really no way to force him to do it (well, short of the above). It really a question of why he doesn’t think it’s important and addressing that. Just telling him that he reeks could come off as nagging and make him dig in his heels deeper.
 
Few Questions:
  1. how old is your husband?
  2. Does he have a job/car?
You need to tell him exactly what you told us, that it’s disgusting and extremely gross for you. If he continues to not bathe, kick him out of the bedroom, and if that still continues, I daresay you should look for a new husband, not to be harsh, but hygiene is definitely a dealbreaker for me.
 
Cricket2 is right. I agree. Or he is getting dementia. Something’s wrong. People don’t change their ways so drastically for no reason. I am a nurse for many years and I see so many women (and I have been there) put up with weird uncomfortable lives cause they don’t want to push too hard, they’re afraid, they end being martyrs and the family doesn’t thrive.
 
Prodigal_Son said:
He sounds like an addict. :o
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I agree he may be an addict and that takes priority over showering. He may need help with addiction. (Either that or the alternative is he is lazy and my best guess might be that you would not have married a man that rarely showered so something else is the issue)
Mary.
 
MaryT777 said:
I agree he may be an addict and that takes priority over showering.
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More than that, it just completely destroys all self-respect.

I expect that the OP’s husband has his computer in a secluded spot in the house, and disappears into that spot for long periods of time. That, in my opinion, would be a red flag. It could be gaming, it could be who knows what else. Whatever it is, it destroys his own sense of being a man, being valuable and lovable, being holy, being whole.

There’s no “quick fix” for such a situation. But I’m guessing not washing is just the tip of a very large iceberg.

I hope I’m wrong! :o
 
nodito said:
Hi Nursey,

For the dental and minor health issues, I’d be inclined to just make the appointments for him myself: “DH, you have a dentist appointment right after work on Thursday. If that time doesn’t work for you, here’s the number you can call to reschedule or they charge us a $50 fee for not showing.” This would work with my DH b/c he doesn’t like scheduling or cancelling stuff but he’s also pretty cheap. If your DH is lazy, it might work for him as well. Or make his doctor and dental appointments to coincide with yours so you can go together.

Yes. It’s normal to have to make dental and medical appointments for husbands. For some reason that I don’t understand, the guys have trouble with this.

As for the shower thing, what if you were to sit him down some evening and say something along the lines of, “Look, DH, I’m really concerned about this. I’ve mentioned repeatedly that it really bothers me when you choose to only shower x times a week and instead play video games every night. I realize you need to unwind at night, but I also need you to show me that you care about my feelings. I really think we need to get marriage counseling to work through this, because it’s THAT important to me.” What would he say?
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The video games may genuinely be a problem, but I would encourage the OP to not deal with both the shower and the video game head on at the same time (especially not at the same time as the doctor and dentist). Too much change at the same time!

I have encountered differences of opinion about showering frequency (I will not be more specific than that to protect the guilty), and I’d talk to him about coming up with a schedule and then stick to it. Would once a week do it? How about Sunday night? Great! Put it on the calendar.

Joint baths or showers can also be fun.

If he refuses to shower or bathe once a week (and gross as that sounds, our ancestors and our European cousins did just fine on that schedule), it is probably time for marriage counseling.
 
To answer some questions…yes he works full time as a beverage delivery salesperson. He has been with the same company for 10+ years and makes a good wage. He used to shower at least every other day but the days between bathing have gradually gotten longer and longer for a few years now…coinciding with the births of our two young children. I don’t know if I’d consider him a video game addict–he’s not on them all the time but after we put the kids down to sleep he will play them for an hour or two each night before bed instead of taking a shower. I’d say he’s a very good dad but a lousy husband. He’s not a leader of any sort. He grew up without a dad. Not sure if that helps paint the picture or not. He is in his early 30s. No drugs or alcohol. We don’t sleep in the same bed because he snores so maybe he feels he can “get away with” not showering.
 
NurseyJ said:
To answer some questions…yes he works full time as a beverage delivery salesperson. He has been with the same company for 10+ years and makes a good wage. He used to shower at least every other day but the days between bathing have gradually gotten longer and longer for a few years now…coinciding with the births of our two young children. I don’t know if I’d consider him a video game addict–he’s not on them all the time but after we put the kids down to sleep he will play them for an hour or two each night before bed instead of taking a shower. I’d say he’s a very good dad but a lousy husband. He’s not a leader of any sort. He grew up without a dad. Not sure if that helps paint the picture or not. He is in his early 30s. No drugs or alcohol. We don’t sleep in the same bed because he snores so maybe he feels he can “get away with” not showering.
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Do you two communicate well? What have you done that has worked, in terms of communication?
 
Communication (when there is a marital issue) involves me telling him how I feel, him agreeing with me and then him never making any changes. 😦
 
NurseyJ said:
I am finding myself thoroughly disgusted and pissed off at my husband. He seldom showers. Even though I have told him that this bothers me (MANY times) and affects the way I feel about him, he doesn’t seem to care. I’ve inquired if he is depressed, which he adamantly denies. He has some minor health and dental issues that need to be addressed but despite my asking him to address them, he just doesn’t seem to care and never addresses them. He has time to play computer games before bed but apparently not to shower. What can I do? I am extremely resentful. (By the way, I take good care of my appearance and hygiene needs and consider myself a pretty decent wife and mom).
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This sounds a bit strange. He definitely needs to take showers. At least every other day, preferably every day. It doesn’t have to be long. I think that a person can get reasonably clean with only a 5 to 10 minute shower.
TarkanAttila said:
I’m not sure if this is entirely serious… uh… what about… sex in the shower? Do you think that might convince him to take more showers?
Click to expand...
I was thinking along the same lines – offer to get in the shower with him! 😉
 
NurseyJ said:
Communication (when there is a marital issue) involves me telling him how I feel, him agreeing with me and then him never making any changes. 😦
Click to expand...
It sounds as if there may be an underlying dynamic at play between the two of you. Normally people living in close quarters with each other would act upon a request to shower for the sake of both hygiene and the smell. A person who would not act on it shows a willful disreprect for the other person. It could be a power play thing. Men that were not taught by their fathers to respect a woman as wife and mother, can stay locked inside the mother/son dynamic with the woman they marry.

Marriage counselling with a male counsellor might be one way to trigger a new way of thinking in him. But apart from that, you have the capacity to ‘not play his game’. I know that I got myself to counselling very early in the marriage when I realised I was facing some unreasonable attitudes from my husband. Self growth has since become a passion of mine and also enabled me to endure situations that would have broken me in the past.

Good luck with it all.
 
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