Husband has bizarre communication style and expects me to read his mind

[mommy_k]

Seems like your husband is a literal communicator and when speaking to him you can be as literal as you can. Do not think he understands communcation style that has the meaning assumed.

 

[PaulinVA]

Dear sdeco,

I don’t share your view that this is a matter of “communication style.”

I think this is a matter of your husband choosing to be abusive, mean, and hurtful towards you.

Yuk. I know that is not a pleasant thought.

This is what I thought, as well. It might really be a communication style difference, but he needs to recognize that.

 

[Delaine75]

My father communicates this way. We used to jokingly refer to it as “Old Geezer Syndrome”. It used to drive us absolutely crazy because it seemed he couldn’t drop the sarcastic responses or the crabby attitude when we couldn’t read his mind about something. Finally, my mother started using that same sort of response back to him when he’d ask a question and he’d get SO angry, LOL! We realized later on, that my father thought he was so much smarter than we were, that sarcasm was his only way of conveying that message. Needless to say, he and my mother had quite a few words about this and he’s gotten much kinder with his communication over the past few years, thank goodness!

Have you tried asking your husband why he feels the need to be so sarcastic in his responses to you?

 

[TomFromMD]

I need advice about my husband. It seems like he expects me to read his mind.

This is very common in marriage - on both sides.

We were going somewhere and my husband was driving, and he got somewhat upset because it was cold and I didn’t turn on the heat.

Yeah, that definitely calls for mind reading. Having that expectation builds resent, which is very damaging to marriages.

I’ll say “do you want to go?” This means “are you ready to leave right now?” But he interprets it as “do you want to go, period,” as if we hadn’t already decided we were going to go somewhere. He’ll sometimes sarcastically respond “no, I don’t want to go.”

Sarcasm is bad for a marriage too. But if I didn’t know you, I’d interpret “do you want to go” as “do you want to go” - i.e. if you want to back out, let me know.

Also, sometimes he’ll ask me something like “what do you want for dinner?” and I’ll say “do you want tacos?” and he’ll say “why do you answer a question with a question?”

My DW’s family used to have a horrible trouble communicating. Someone would ask “Should we go out for dinner?” Someone else would say “how about fish”? Someone else would say “we could have Italian”? The problem was that “we could have Italian” could mean “I don’t want fish” or it could mean “Let’s have spaghetti, but at home” or it could mean “I could do fish or Italian” or it could mean “here’s another option - but I don’t really care”. Because nobody actually made a statement that indicated a level of preference, we’d just stand there without making a decision. It drove me nuts. We often respond with questions because we intend to be non-confrontational, but in the end, it’s clearer to say “I’d like to have tacos, but I don’t feel too strongly about it".

Regarding the mind reading - I’d try going to him the day after he does something like that (when he’s in a good mood) and saying something like “I’ve been thinking about yesterday, how I didn’t realize that you wanted . I love you, and if there’s something like that I can do for you, I’d like you to tell me. And I’m going to try to do the same.” If you catch yourself expecting him to mind read, that would present an even better opportunity, as it’s less confrontational - in that case, you could say “Yesterday, I was upset that you didn’t realize I wanted to . I realize that it’s not fair me to expect you to read my mind, so from now on, I’m going to try to be more upfront when I want something. Maybe we can both work on that?”

Good luck!

 

[TomFromMD]

Maybe you two would enjoy a Worldwide Marriage Encounter Weekend. WWME focuses on the couple communicating with each other. It is a very private weekend. Couples attending listen to three other couples and a priest discuss the topics. The attending couples return to the privacy of their own room to discuss the topic with their spouse (never with anyone else). WWME is designed to “make good marriages become great marriages.” We found it a wonderful, romantic weekend to focus just on the two of us.

Amen - we haven’t done this particular program, but we did another less formal one (10 Great Dates - a book which I’d recommend) and have read articles and books together. The great thing about something like this is that the ideas aren’t coming from one or the other of you, which keeps you each from getting defensive.

 

[sdeco]

Do you know his parents? Or how his parents communicated?

Yes, his parents live nearby and we see them all the time. They don’t communicate well at all. His mom yells and gets very emotional, and his dad shuts down and just tries to avoid the issue altogether.

The fact that you haven’t dealt with it yet is a problem. I am sure your husband doesn’t understand that there is a problem or why after 10 years, he needs to change.

I have tried to deal with it over the years. Whenever I try to talk to him about it, we end up going around and around in circles and getting nowhere. As I’ve said, he won’t go to counseling.

Maybe you two would enjoy a Worldwide Marriage Encounter Weekend.

We did go on a WWME weekend in 2008, and it was great. But we have three children now and that makes it very difficult to go again.

To the people asking if he was like this while we were dating: yes, somewhat. But it became worse after marriage. We obeyed the Catholic Church and didn’t live together, so consequently a lot of this stuff didn’t come up until we were sharing a house and had to communicate a lot more about day-to-day stuff.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

The problem is, he thinks his communication style is the “correct” one. He is not willing to try to “solve the problem.” He thinks only I should change. (I have asked him to go to counseling in the past about several issues. He has always refused to go).

I guess the stuff about asking and answering questions is fixable. I can get into the habit of doing it his way. **But I don’t know what to do if he expects me to know he wants me to do something without telling me. It’s strange that he wants me to be direct, yet won’t even tell me what his wants. **

Agapewolf, he is an ISTJ and I’m either INFP or INFJ (can’t decide).

Detach with love. If he can’t ask you directly for what he wants, then his emotional reaction to your NOT doing it, is his problem, not yours. You don’t have to be upset or worried or anything. It’s HIS responsibility to fix this, or not. You have nothing to do with it. You are allowed to tell him something like, “Please ask me straight-out if you want me to turn on the heater or turn off the radio. If you don’t as for what you want, I can’t read your mind.” Then drop the matter. Say it once and no more, and go about your business. I know it can be hard to do this with people who get moody or lose their temper over these small issues, but it can be done. I say the Serenity Prayer and also tell myself, “I am not responsible for my husband’s moods.”

 

[RoseMary131]

We did go on a WWME weekend in 2008, and it was great. But we have three children now and that makes it very difficult to go again.

Pray about going on another WWME weekend. Expect to run in to road blocks - it seems to happen to those trying to attend a weekend. Pray about a babysitter for the three children.

Invite your husband on another weekend so you two can focus just on the two of you. We focus so much of our time on the children and family needs that the focus just as husband and wife can be put to the side. We can forget about how our spouse needs us to communicate with them daily.

In the meantime, if there is an active WWME group near you join them for community fellowship. There may be a local couple willing to watch your children so you can attend a second weekend. You don’t need to share with the group that you are experiencing communication struggles.

If you put the communication “tools” into practice that you learned on the weekend, try giving that a try again today and tomorrow and the next day.

Maybe something on the “WWME After Your Weekend” webpage might be a spark for today.
wwme.org/after-your-weekend.html

 

[johnnyjones]

I need advice about my husband. It seems like he expects me to read his mind. An example is something that happened this past weekend. We were going somewhere and my husband was driving, and he got somewhat upset because it was cold and I didn’t turn on the heat. (It’s a relatively new car and I’m the one who usually drives it. He wasn’t quite sure how to turn on the heat.) The reason I didn’t turn on the heat is because I wasn’t feeling cold! I told him if he was cold and wanted me to turn on the heat, he could have just asked me to do it. He said he feels like he “shouldn’t have to ask me” to turn on the heat. (He will often say certain things are “obvious” or “common sense” (to him) ). I don’t know how I was supposed to know he was cold if he didn’t tell me!

He also seems to interpret things very literally. That’s the only way I can think of to describe his communication style. For example, if we are going somewhere and it’s getting close to the time when I think we should leave, I’ll say “do you want to go?” This means “are you ready to leave right now?” But he interprets it as “do you want to go, period,” as if we hadn’t already decided we were going to go somewhere. He’ll sometimes sarcastically respond “no, I don’t want to go.”

Also, sometimes he’ll ask me something like “what do you want for dinner?” and I’ll say “do you want tacos?” and he’ll say “why do you answer a question with a question?” WHAT?!?! “Do you want tacos?” means the same thing as “how about tacos?” or “I’d like to have tacos, what about you?” I feel like saying “let’s have tacos!” would be too forward, like I’m only thinking of my own preferences and not caring what he wants. I am someone who almost always does not have strong preferences about such trivial things as what to have for dinner. I just want food! If he has a strong preference about something like that, I’m perfectly happy to do what he wants.

There are also many times when he will think something we’re deciding on has been settled, and I think it’s still up in the air.

I find his communication style completely bizarre. Does anyone else have this communication style, or know someone who communicates like this? I am at a loss. Thanks.

I don’t feel this situation is tremendously odd. In fact it is a replica of a relationship I’m very familiar with. I’ll give it to you that the issue with the heat is reaching on his part, but did you ever think that if it is cold out it is typical to turn on the heat in a car.

As well, there is a strong inference occurring when a person says, “do you want tacos?” I mean if your picking tacos out of the blue with no prior discussion about tacos, that particular food is on your mind. He feels you want tacos, so he runs forward with your mindset. He’s actually ahead of the game. Many times it’s too much for you to keep up with, that is the real communication problem.

Also, there does seem to be a tendency for women to ask a lot of questions about what they should do next (please, this is not all women but many). Some things can be thought through without the necessity of a question. In other words common sense. Obviously men and women can be very different, with certain traits belonging to each sex. No, your not always wrong, but neither is he.

 

[EasterJoy]

Also, there does seem to be a tendency for women to ask a lot of questions about what they should do next (please, this is not all women but many). Some things can be thought through without the necessity of a question. In other words common sense. Obviously men and women can be very different, with certain traits belonging to each sex. No, your not always wrong, but neither is he.

Ah…you highlight an important issue.

Some men think that if women talk about a decision they have to make, then it is a problem and the woman wants the listener to hand her the correct solution. Not so. Very often, what she actually wants is either more ideas to work with (she still wants to make the decision, thank you very much) or else just some answer that will get her out of making a decision, and any answer will do. In the latter case, she does know her options. She’s just lacking the energy to choose one. It’s kind of like when she has you do something that she could do if she felt like getting out the ladder, but since you’re tall and you’re just standing there…well, you wouldn’t mind, would you?

Sometimes when someone shares that she has a decision to make, she’s sharing her emotional state or looking for ideas to throw into the idea blender before she decides what to do. In this case, the last thing you want to do is to tell her what to do. It is like picking up paints and brushes when you’re only being asked your opinion of a half-finished painting. Oh, can that misunderstanding cause a lot of trouble!

Sometimes, though, sharing a simple decision is just a matter of having had to decide whether it’s going to be beef or chicken one too many nights in a row. You don’t want to hear “I don’t care”, because you don’t have any “I don’t care” in the refrigerator. You have beef and chicken, and you want someone else to decide for once.

You can see it is a good idea to ask, “Are you looking for ideas, or are you trying to get a decision off your plate?” You can then respond based on her answer, and with any luck miss some landmines.

 

[PaulinVA]

Communication is very hard. Both the husband and wife are responsible for effective communication.

So, to start with, anyone who says, “You should have known” should get Gibbs-slapped upside the head.

 

[johnnyjones]

Ah…you highlight an important issue.

Some men think that if women talk about a decision they have to make, then it is a problem and the woman wants the listener to hand her the correct solution. Not so. Very often, what she actually wants is either more ideas to work with (she still wants to make the decision, thank you very much) or else just some answer that will get her out of making a decision, and any answer will do. In the latter case, she does know her options. She’s just lacking the energy to choose one. It’s kind of like when she has you do something that she could do if she felt like getting out the ladder, but since you’re tall and you’re just standing there…well, you wouldn’t mind, would you?

Sometimes when someone shares that she has a decision to make, she’s sharing her emotional state or looking for ideas to throw into the idea blender before she decides what to do. In this case, the last thing you want to do is to tell her what to do. It is like picking up paints and brushes when you’re only being asked your opinion of a half-finished painting. Oh, can that misunderstanding cause a lot of trouble!

Sometimes, though, sharing a simple decision is just a matter of having had to decide whether it’s going to be beef or chicken one too many nights in a row. You don’t want to hear “I don’t care”, because you don’t have any “I don’t care” in the refrigerator. You have beef and chicken, and you want someone else to decide for once.

You can see it is a good idea to ask, “Are you looking for ideas, or are you trying to get a decision off your plate?” You can then respond based on her answer, and with any luck miss some landmines.

I think I understand what you wrote. A woman wants more ideas to work with. The dilemma lies in two types of brains, and not necessarily male or female brains, but the brain of a person who is thinking ahead (seeing things without words) and the person who relies on words to send the point home. I feel this is the OPs problem.

The aforementioned sidetracks the issue you bring up though. I can see why a person would want ideas to work with and I can see why a person could get confused by them. The example you give is based in mundane events. The everyday cook wants (name removed by moderator)ut, not “whatever”. But I still maintain that if you bring up ideas (i.e. tacos) for dinner, your being suggestive and many will respond accordingly. Me, being one of those people. My view is that much of the reaction to this thread is jumping the gun. Right away “abuse” is tossed out there and medical conditions are the excuse. Where i think the OPs husband is wrong is with his low tolerance for his wifes style of communicating.

What he perceives one way she simply does not which gives the appearance of some kind of abberation. In fact this type of miscommunication is quite common.

 

[maryjk]

The aforementioned sidetracks the issue you bring up though. I can see why a person would want ideas to work with and I can see why a person could get confused by them. **The example you give is based in mundane events. The everyday cook wants (name removed by moderator)ut, not “whatever”. **But I still maintain that if you bring up ideas (i.e. tacos) for dinner, your being suggestive and many will respond accordingly. Me, being one of those people. My view is that much of the reaction to this thread is jumping the gun. Right away “abuse” is tossed out there and medical conditions are the excuse. Where i think the OPs husband is wrong is with his low tolerance for his wifes style of communicating.

What he perceives one way she simply does not which gives the appearance of some kind of abberation. In fact this type of miscommunication is quite common.

I remember my mother asking my father for ideas for dinner.

“What would you like for dinner? And ‘I don’t care’ isn’t an idea”

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Communication is very hard. Both the husband and wife are responsible for effective communication.

So, to start with, anyone who says, “You should have known” should get Gibbs-slapped upside the head.

:crying::slapfight::blackeye:uch:

 

[PaulGH]

I identified a lot with your post. In part of what you wrote, your husband’s communication style sounded like my wife’s, and yours sounded like mine. But in another part of what you wrote, your husbands’s style sounded like mine and yours sounded like my wife’s.

I suspect that many married couples have to deal with differing communication styles. One way to work on this would be to read good books on marriage and communication (reading them together preferably), such as some of the books by Greg and Lisa Popcak. Or counseling would be another good approach, though it is more expensive.

I need advice about my husband. It seems like he expects me to read his mind. An example is something that happened this past weekend. We were going somewhere and my husband was driving, and he got somewhat upset because it was cold and I didn’t turn on the heat. (It’s a relatively new car and I’m the one who usually drives it. He wasn’t quite sure how to turn on the heat.) The reason I didn’t turn on the heat is because I wasn’t feeling cold! I told him if he was cold and wanted me to turn on the heat, he could have just asked me to do it. He said he feels like he “shouldn’t have to ask me” to turn on the heat. (He will often say certain things are “obvious” or “common sense” (to him) ). I don’t know how I was supposed to know he was cold if he didn’t tell me!

Here your husband’s communication style sounds somewhat like my wife’s. Sometimes when I talk to my wife, I feel like I must be hearing only every other sentence, because she makes all of these connections and jumps that I don’t follow, so that the context of what she is talking about is a mystery to me. In cases like this, I have to ask her to slow down and explain things in more detail, which is frustrating to her, because she thinks that I should know what she meant. (And I feel like she expects me to read her mind.)

This does not happen all the time with us, but it does happen.

He also seems to interpret things very literally. That’s the only way I can think of to describe his communication style. For example, if we are going somewhere and it’s getting close to the time when I think we should leave, I’ll say “do you want to go?” This means “are you ready to leave right now?” But he interprets it as “do you want to go, period,” as if we hadn’t already decided we were going to go somewhere. He’ll sometimes sarcastically respond “no, I don’t want to go.”

Also, sometimes he’ll ask me something like “what do you want for dinner?” and I’ll say “do you want tacos?” and he’ll say “why do you answer a question with a question?” WHAT?!?! “Do you want tacos?” means the same thing as “how about tacos?” or “I’d like to have tacos, what about you?” I feel like saying “let’s have tacos!” would be too forward, like I’m only thinking of my own preferences and not caring what he wants. I am someone who almost always does not have strong preferences about such trivial things as what to have for dinner. I just want food! If he has a strong preference about something like that, I’m perfectly happy to do what he wants.

There are also many times when he will think something we’re deciding on has been settled, and I think it’s still up in the air.

Now here your husband sounds like me, and you sound like my wife. I do tend to take what she says literally – at least more literally than she would like me to. I guess I just expect people to say what they mean and mean what they say, but sometimes this frustrates her.

I think I probably would have known what she meant if we had had the taco conversation that you mentioned, but many times I take her words more literally than she meant them to be taken. Again, this goes with the theme that I feel like she expects me to read her mind, whereas my point of view is that I can’t read minds, so she needs to state what she means clearly and with enough detail that I can understand.

We also have experienced what you mentioned where I think that we have decided on something, and she thinks that the issue has not been decided. I’m not quite sure why that happens. That one also sometimes goes the other way, where she thinks we have decided, and I think that we haven’t.

I’m not sure if my post is very helpful to you, other than to say that you’re not alone in being frustrated from time to time over communication issues!

(But having said that, I love my wife dearly, even if I can’t read her mind!)

 

[johnnyjones]

I hate to bring this up but it’s not ALL about communication. Each person may be communicating a point but one person may be intellectually stunted. Undiagnosed comprehension issues are all around us. Not everyone is as “smart” as the next person. This breaks down the transference of thoughts and ideas. There are many variables.

Are there cases of hubby and wife simply not listening to each other or talking over each other? Of course. That stuff is on Dr. Phil.

 

[PaulGH]

Here your husband’s communication style sounds somewhat like my wife’s. Sometimes when I talk to my wife, I feel like I must be hearing only every other sentence, because she makes all of these connections and jumps that I don’t follow, so that the context of what she is talking about is a mystery to me. In cases like this, I have to ask her to slow down and explain things in more detail, which is frustrating to her, because she thinks that I should know what she meant. (And I feel like she expects me to read her mind.)

Oh, and the flip side of this is that I tend to explain things in too much detail, which drives her crazy as well.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

Is he an Engineer/Scientist/Mathematician etc?

I can be very literal and, although I am familiar with how my husband speaks and can understand what he is saying usually, it can still throw me off if the literal meaning is not what he is trying to say. Like, using your taco example, it is possible that if he asks if I want tacos when I ask what he wants, I would try to figure if is trying to tell me that he wants tacos, or if he thinks I asked him because I want tacos, and so he is asking me if that is why I asked (and then I would try to figure out why he thinks I want tacos). Lol, confusing, eh? Now, if he answers: I don’t know, how do tacos sound? That would be a lot clearer for me because he prefaced the question with an explanation of why he is asking, and is still “polite”/not forcing tacos on me .

ETA: I have no idea why he thought you would know he was cold, though… Unless he made a lot of motions of being cold and said Brr out loud hoping you would get a hint . In that case, I still agree that we need to say things instead of expecting for other people to guess .

 

[PaulGH]

Is he an Engineer/Scientist/Mathematician etc?

I can be very literal and, although I am familiar with how my husband speaks and can understand what he is saying usually, it can still throw me off if the literal meaning is not what he is trying to say. Like, using your taco example, it is possible that if he asks if I want tacos when I ask what he wants, I would try to figure if is trying to tell me that he wants tacos, or if he thinks I asked him because I want tacos, and so he is asking me if that is why I asked (and then I would try to figure out why he thinks I want tacos). Lol, confusing, eh? Now, if he answers: I don’t know, how do tacos sound? That would be a lot clearer for me because he prefaced the question with an explanation of why he is asking, and is still “polite”/not forcing tacos on me .

I don’t know about the OP, but that makes a lot of sense to me. I am very mathematically-minded, and I have an engineering degree. I tend to think of language largely in terms of equations and logic and rules, much more so than my wife does, which is probably one root cause of our communication gap.

 

[johnnyjones]

Is he an Engineer/Scientist/Mathematician etc?

I can be very literal and, although I am familiar with how my husband speaks and can understand what he is saying usually, it can still throw me off if the literal meaning is not what he is trying to say. Like, using your taco example, it is possible that if he asks if I want tacos when I ask what he wants, I would try to figure if is trying to tell me that he wants tacos, or if he thinks I asked him because I want tacos, and so he is asking me if that is why I asked (and then I would try to figure out why he thinks I want tacos). Lol, confusing, eh? Now, if he answers: I don’t know, how do tacos sound? That would be a lot clearer for me because he prefaced the question with an explanation of why he is asking, and is still “polite”/not forcing tacos on me .

ETA: I have no idea why he thought you would know he was cold, though… Unless he made a lot of motions of being cold and said Brr out loud hoping you would get a hint . In that case, I still agree that we need to say things instead of expecting for other people to guess .

Your post made me smile. Communication is crazy sometimes.