Husband kissed another woman

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Seven months ago my husband was very intoxicated and kissed another woman in front of me. It was a long kiss with his hands in her hair. It was long enough that I had to pull them apart and say “that’s enough”. He then got upset with me. This woman was a friend of mine and was riding in our car. When we all got in the car (I’m still in shock) he insists on sitting next to her and then proceeds to play with her hair and rub her neck. I was sitting behind and pulled his hand away and said “No” the then got mad at me again. We went to dinner after and I refused to let him sit next to her at dinner. We then took her home and I cried in the back all the way home. It felt awful.

The next morning, he claimed he blacked out and doesn’t remember anything. I do believe him, because I have never seen him that drunk. I began to explained to him what he had done and he cut me off, said a quick I am sorry and just glossed over the issue. This was 7 months ago and because my husband has said when I bring up feelings I have that aren’t pleasant, he thinks it drives a wedge between us. So I have internalized the entire incident and have tried to work through them on my own. I did not want to tell anyone what happened, because I do not want his image tarnished.

This weekend we went on a vacation with other friends and I had decided to stay in the hotel because I was tired as I had worked earlier that day. He went out, but met one of his friends that is having a hard time in his marriage and brought 2 young girls with him on the “work” trip and my husband met them. The friend is on a road to cheat on his wife. They were drinking and I found out and got the horrible jealous, gut wrenching feeling that he would do what he did before and how far would he go this time? I became angry and flew down to where they were to make sure nothing happened. When I got there, the girls were acting very “interested” in both my husband and his friend. They were talking about subjects that are no where appropriate to be talking about with 2 married men, if you catch my drift. One even offered to perform an act on my husband as I was standing right there. I was mortified that he laughed and did not shut her down instantly. He wanted to continue to hang out with these women and his friend and of course I went along because I was terrified if I left what would happen since he had been drinking so much. When I got him alone, I explained to him why I was there and that didn’t he think it was enough time with these two girls and I reminded him of the night with the other woman, we never really discussed. He got angry with me told me to chill out and that I will never let him live that down, that he kissed her. I have never brought it up in the 7 months since it happened. I was using it as a reason for why I was worried he was out with these girls. He then accused me of not trusting him and I agreed and said “with reason”.

It was at that moment I realized that I am "that " wife, someone I never thought I would be. A wife who couldn’t trust her husband in all situations. It makes my heart ache. Seeing them kiss will be burned into my brain forever and I often ask my self, what would have happened that night if I weren’t there to stop them? Has this happened before and he doesn’t remember the other times he has said he “blacked out” drinking? The “what if’s” are killing me and I know it is because my trust in him in all situations to be faithful is gone. Sober, I would never doubt he would cheat on me, but now there is this exception. he even claims he isn’t remotely attracted to my friend he kissed, but he did it anyway. What happens when a younger beautiful female propositions him when he is highly drunk?

After I explained my feelings to him this weekend, he has given me the cold shoulder for 2 days now. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to bring this up. I want to pull away and just get my head straight. Spend time in prayer. I’m married and I married him for life, I just can’t go on this way. I’m hoping you can all pray for me and give me some Catholic advice on how to deal with this in my own head and how to help heal this wall between us now. Thank you for any advice.
 
Your husband either has an alcohol problem or an honesty problem, and I’m betting it’s a little (or a lot) of both.

Before we can even put the infidelity into context, I have to know, does he always drink like this? When did it start? Does he do it around you? How receptive is he to discussing these things when he’s sober? Has he ever hit or otherwise abused you while drinking? Does he ever drive like this? Is he around your children like this? Does it affect his job?

Honestly and truly, being married to an alcoholic is unlike anything else in the world. They are unpredictable, often angry, they cheat, they forget that they cheated, they swear they won’t drink anymore, they steal, they lie, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Your top priority needs to be your safety and the safety of your children if you have them. Then he needs to work on his alcohol problem. Of course, this can only be done when he is ready.

But working on a marriage with an active alcoholic is like trying to fix the engine of a car that doesn’t have wheels.
 
And I am so, so sorry. I’m a CoA (child of an alcoholic) and the disease affects the whole family. It is so difficult. Rely on your friends and family, talk to your priest, build a strong support network for you and your children, and make sure to take care of yourself.
 
Where there is smoke there is fire. Your husband is in some serious denial or serious subterfuge.

He has some major problems, and his anger towards you is a deflection technique designed to make you question your sanity and your lying eyes. Well, your eyes aren’t lying to you. He is lying to you, and probably to himself.

Get in counseling. And, if he does have an alcohol problem get into Al-Anon.
 
Everything that Blue Eyed Lady says!!! Both my parents drank off and on for much of my life. I purposely married the man I did simply because he does not drink–EVER. Until the alcohol is gone for good, completely, he cannot be trusted at all. It’s not possible to trust an alcoholic, and if he is drinking enough to black out he is an alcoholic. I pray he doesn’t drive.
 
he is not an alcoholic. I would say I have seen him like that 2 times in the 16 years since we have been together. he has never hit me, verbally abused me or any of the sort. To be honest, aside from this instance, he is an amazing husband. But this doubt that I feel if he ever drinks that way again is what is killing me. I plan to go to the adoration chapel after work today and pray about it and bring it up with him and say I can’t move past this until we talk. I know he will then. I just want a way to do it out of my faith not out of anger. I’m not leaving him, but I just want a way to express my hurt to him so he gets it and a way for me to get past it so I’m not feeling like I have to babysit him. he never did anything like this before we were married. We dated for 15 years and have been married a little over a year now. I believed in my vows and the I’m trying to find a way to get past my jealousy, begin to trust him again, etc. I just hate this feeling and being here. It really stinks. Writing all this out is therapeutic in a way since I have not been able to open up to anyone about this. Thanks for the advice guys.
 
You should be talking to a professional counselor and to your pastor. How long has this been a problem? Is your marriage valid/Did your husband truly intend to be faithful when you married?
 
I believe he absolutely did believe and promise he would be faithful to me. And as far as I know he has never done anything remotely similar to this. It’s all of a sudden… Before this I would have told you we have a rock solid marriage built on faith. I’ve been going through this for months now just hiding it.

I think I just need to talk to him about hitting a point in drinking and pulling back. We have had SO MANY friend’s marriages break apart because of infidelity. I always thought, man we are sooo different, that would never happen to us. I’m just terrified to bring it up and him ignore what a big deal it is to me. Like I’m overreacting. I’ll just be really hurt. More than I am now. The worst part is, he doesn’t even remember it. So he’s apologizing for something he doesn’t even recall doing. If I hadn’t seen it, I would have never known. I do believe he was drunk enough to not remember, he was belligerent and couldn’t even put together a sentence. But I’m not making an excuse for him, it’s just hard to get him to understand what I saw and have him get how it felt to see it.
 
BandJ said:
I believe he absolutely did believe and promise he would be faithful to me. And as far as I know he has never done anything remotely similar to this. It’s all of a sudden… Before this I would have told you we have a rock solid marriage built on faith. I’ve been going through this for months now just hiding it.

I think I just need to talk to him about hitting a point in drinking and pulling back. We have had SO MANY friend’s marriages break apart because of infidelity. I always thought, man we are sooo different, that would never happen to us. I’m just terrified to bring it up and him ignore what a big deal it is to me. Like I’m overreacting. I’ll just be really hurt. More than I am now. The worst part is, he doesn’t even remember it. So he’s apologizing for something he doesn’t even recall doing. If I hadn’t seen it, I would have never known. I do believe he was drunk enough to not remember, he was belligerent and couldn’t even put together a sentence. But I’m not making an excuse for him, it’s just hard to get him to understand what I saw and have him get how it felt to see it.
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You are in a serious amount of denial. Please get some counseling to help you see this more objectively.
 
BandJ, You husband is getting drunk enough, twice in seven months, that he doesn’t remember things, and doesn’t really care if he hurts you. I think I would qualify that as serious alcohol issues.

He’s rubbing his fingers through the hair of another woman and kissing her, in front of you.

Stop telling me how great a husband he is. I grew up with this and I can tell you from just this little bit you’ve told us - you are in for some serious difficulties, I’m afraid.

I’ll pray for you.
 
BandJ said:
Seven months ago my husband was very intoxicated and kissed another woman in front of me. It was a long kiss with his hands in her hair. It was long enough that I had to pull them apart and say “that’s enough”. He then got upset with me. This woman was a friend of mine and was riding in our car. When we all got in the car (I’m still in shock) he insists on sitting next to her and then proceeds to play with her hair and rub her neck. I was sitting behind and pulled his hand away and said “No” the then got mad at me again. We went to dinner after and I refused to let him sit next to her at dinner. We then took her home and I cried in the back all the way home. It felt awful.

The next morning, he claimed he blacked out and doesn’t remember anything. I do believe him, because I have never seen him that drunk. I began to explained to him what he had done and he cut me off, said a quick I am sorry and just glossed over the issue. This was 7 months ago and because my husband has said when I bring up feelings I have that aren’t pleasant, he thinks it drives a wedge between us. So I have internalized the entire incident and have tried to work through them on my own. I did not want to tell anyone what happened, because I do not want his image tarnished.

This weekend we went on a vacation with other friends and I had decided to stay in the hotel because I was tired as I had worked earlier that day. He went out, but met one of his friends that is having a hard time in his marriage and brought 2 young girls with him on the “work” trip and my husband met them. The friend is on a road to cheat on his wife. They were drinking and I found out and got the horrible jealous, gut wrenching feeling that he would do what he did before and how far would he go this time? I became angry and flew down to where they were to make sure nothing happened. When I got there, the girls were acting very “interested” in both my husband and his friend. They were talking about subjects that are no where appropriate to be talking about with 2 married men, if you catch my drift. One even offered to perform an act on my husband as I was standing right there. I was mortified that he laughed and did not shut her down instantly. He wanted to continue to hang out with these women and his friend and of course I went along because I was terrified if I left what would happen since he had been drinking so much. When I got him alone, I explained to him why I was there and that didn’t he think it was enough time with these two girls and I reminded him of the night with the other woman, we never really discussed. He got angry with me told me to chill out and that I will never let him live that down, that he kissed her. I have never brought it up in the 7 months since it happened. I was using it as a reason for why I was worried he was out with these girls. He then accused me of not trusting him and I agreed and said “with reason”.

It was at that moment I realized that I am "that " wife, someone I never thought I would be. A wife who couldn’t trust her husband in all situations. It makes my heart ache. Seeing them kiss will be burned into my brain forever and I often ask my self, what would have happened that night if I weren’t there to stop them? Has this happened before and he doesn’t remember the other times he has said he “blacked out” drinking? The “what if’s” are killing me and I know it is because my trust in him in all situations to be faithful is gone. Sober, I would never doubt he would cheat on me, but now there is this exception. he even claims he isn’t remotely attracted to my friend he kissed, but he did it anyway. What happens when a younger beautiful female propositions him when he is highly drunk?

After I explained my feelings to him this weekend, he has given me the cold shoulder for 2 days now. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to bring this up. I want to pull away and just get my head straight. Spend time in prayer. I’m married and I married him for life, I just can’t go on this way. I’m hoping you can all pray for me and give me some Catholic advice on how to deal with this in my own head and how to help heal this wall between us now. Thank you for any advice.
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I’m not one of those who has much patience with such situations. You don’t have to be a door mat. Make an appointment with a Catholic marriage counselor and decide wherther or not you want to stay married to this guy, you may have grounds for separation or an annullment. If you want to stick it out for awhile it will require counseling for you both. Sounds like he has no spiritual life because someone who loves God would never behave like that, ever.

Prayers and good luck.

Linus2nd
 
Get thee to a counselor, maybe starting with a priest. As much as I hate saying this, I would also start documenting behavior, like the one you mentioned. Pray for the best and plan for the worst. If he gets to the point he totally disregards your concern, it might at least help you know you are not imagining everything.
 
BandJ,

I am sorry you are going through this. The actions of you husband – from a man’s view – is that he is using the drinking as an excuse to get away with his actions. You have every right to be angry – and untrusting. If he gets angry because of the way you feel, let him know that you only feel that way because of him!

Remind him of – as you point out – friends have had marriages end because of infidelity, no one starts out thinking that they will have an affair with a coworker or friend that they are just that: coworkers of friends. But things can get out of hand and if someone is looking for an excuse to take things too far – then drinking is the way.

I am sure he would be furious if a friend of his started kissing you, and getting very affectionate. Your jealously shows that you really do love him, and his lack of respect for you is very obvious by his actions. Do not let him place the blame on you for HIS actions, if you have children – is his the example of how a husband should treat his wife something you want them to think is acceptable?

I will pray that God grants you strength and peace.

Winter
 
BandJ said:
he is not an alcoholic. I would say I have seen him like that 2 times in the 16 years since we have been together. he has never hit me, verbally abused me or any of the sort. To be honest, aside from this instance, he is an amazing husband. But this doubt that I feel if he ever drinks that way again is what is killing me. I plan to go to the adoration chapel after work today and pray about it and bring it up with him and say I can’t move past this until we talk. I know he will then. I just want a way to do it out of my faith not out of anger. I’m not leaving him, but I just want a way to express my hurt to him so he gets it and a way for me to get past it so I’m not feeling like I have to babysit him. he never did anything like this before we were married. We dated for 15 years and have been married a little over a year now. I believed in my vows and the I’m trying to find a way to get past my jealousy, begin to trust him again, etc. I just hate this feeling and being here. It really stinks. Writing all this out is therapeutic in a way since I have not been able to open up to anyone about this. Thanks for the advice guys.
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I hate to say this because it sounds very cynical, but have you considered that he might be using the alcohol as an excuse to do these things that he knows he can’t otherwise get away with?

I’m very hesitant to ever recommend separation or divorce, because I don’t feel qualified to tell another person whether or not they should stay with their spouse. But I can tell you that this is not something that I would tolerate, and even if he did a 180 right now and this never happened again, I’m not sure I could forgive it anyway. At the very least, I would speak to an attorney just to make sure that you know your options and how to protect yourself.

I just don’t understand how someone can betray their spouse like this.😦 You have my sympathy.
 
Winter_Warlock said:
BandJ,

I am sorry you are going through this. The actions of you husband – from a man’s view – is that he is using the drinking as an excuse to get away with his actions. You have every right to be angry – and untrusting. If he gets angry because of the way you feel, let him know that you only feel that way because of him!

Remind him of – as you point out – friends have had marriages end because of infidelity, no one starts out thinking that they will have an affair with a coworker or friend that they are just that: coworkers of friends. But things can get out of hand and if someone is looking for an excuse to take things too far – then drinking is the way.

I am sure he would be furious if a friend of his started kissing you, and getting very affectionate. Your jealously shows that you really do love him, and his lack of respect for you is very obvious by his actions. Do not let him place the blame on you for HIS actions, if you have children – is his the example of how a husband should treat his wife something you want them to think is acceptable?Winter
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Thank you for your perspective. To be honest the entire situation has put me back on my heels because he has always acted like a faithful man. He has even held other friends accountable who have had affairs. been a friend to them and getting them to see the error of doing what they were doing? He is always so honest in business, with everyone around him. To see this, it just shocked me. Took me back. It took me so long to want to marry because I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Then I say yes, we were together for 15 years, he is nothing short of amazing and then I see this a year and half in. I’m not making any decisions now with how hurt I feel except to go see my priest for advice. I’ve just NEVER had to deal with something like this and had no idea it would hurt this bad. Like I said this just really stinks.

I will pray that God grants you strength and peace.
 
Dacinom said:
I believe this is at the heart of your problems. Whether the issues you are facing are alcohol, other women or any number of issues that a couple can face, if you can’t work through it, you will go nowhere fast. The fact that your husband seems, well, rather childish about this is concerning.

This cannot be the first time he has behaved this way. Not about the other women, but as far as shutting you out. You have known him for sixteen years. Certainly in that amount of time there have been difficult subjects, chances are he just gives you the cold shoulder and doesn’t want to talk about them.

The funny thing too (pet peeve of mine) when people that behave like this get defensive and throw up the “You don’t trust me!” attitude. In my opinion this has more to do with respect and honor then it does actual TRUST. I trust that my husband wouldn’t have sex with my friend, I really do. However I would feel very funny if they shared a hotel room together. My husband would never do it because it does not show respect and honor for me. I can be trusted around children, and I am not a pedophile or creep. However I would never go into a locker room where there were young boys getting ready because it would not show respect or honor for them and make many people feel uncomfortable.

Your husband’s actions make you feel uncomfortable. It is for that reason alone he should watch his behavior, the fact that he is complaining that you don’t trust him is concerning, because it shows your discomfort doesn’t mean much to him.

You can’t change him, however you can and should start making serious decisions here. I don’t want to look on the bad side of things, but your husband looks as if he is on the road to alcoholism and chasing after other women if he doesn’t turn his life around. He is not listening to you, pray that he listens to the voice of God in his heart. God has plans for him that include joy and peace in his life. Not this kind of evil behavior. Please be assured of my prayers, your heart must be breaking I am so sorry.
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Thank you for your prayers… Yeah I’ve always been a very strong independent woman and feeling this way just makes you feel weak, hurt, and less of a woman. In my head I know all those things are stupid. I didn’t do it, he did. But never the less, I feel that way.
 
Your husband is really making your life miserable, and I am all but certain that he is well aware of what he is doing. He certainly has your full attention. If you can manage to stop rewarding his bad behavior with your total attention, do so quickly.

Take good care of You by doing nice things for yourself. I don’t know what you enjoy - maybe treat yourself to a movie that you would enjoy without your husband; get a manicure and pedicure; get engrossed in a real page turner of a book; and the old standby - shop. Pray and go, without your husband, to your pastor or a counsellor to get some advice to help you cope.

When your husband behaves badly, he is demeaning himself - not you. He can’t demean you unless you agree to let his behavior demean you. As much as you love him and want to save him from himself, he has to participate in his own rescue. When you do talk to your husband about this matter, use “I” statements. If it is authentic for you to do so, say to him, “I feel sorry for you.” “I would like to know if there is anything that I can do to help you.”

I hope that this situation turns out to be just a small bump in the road of a long and loving marriage.
 
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