Husband Masturbation Problems

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ChildofTherese

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Hi there,

Just wanted to get practical advise on how to deal with my husband and his masturbation problems. We are both practicing Catholic, married and we just recently had a baby girl. She is 5 months old. We have been struggling to resume intimacies as our renewed roles as mother and father. Now, there came a time when I am not in the mood because of tiredness, body ache and baby duties (on top of continuing chores). He became angry and claimed that he has been “horny” for a while and threatened me to turn to masturbation. He knows how I feel about it…and yet he still chose to do so. And after he has done the deed…he blames me that he has to resort to that. I feel so guilty about it but I really don’t want to do it. Please pray for my husband and my child. And if anyone can give me sound advice on this, that would be great.
 
The best advice is to call your parish and set an appointment to talk to the priest (or even a deacon), they are spiritual resources for this sort of thing, and tend to have experience in counseling and such.

This is a case where spiritual guidance is best sought from the clergy, not an Internet forum.

I will pray that you two will go together to visit the priest,
Deacon Christopher
 
ChildofTherese said:
He became angry and claimed that he has been “horny” for a while and threatened me to turn to masturbation. He knows how I feel about it…and yet he still chose to do so. And after he has done the deed…he blames me that he has to resort to that.
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Your problem is your husband. He is responsible for his own actions - he has self-control, but instead of utilising it like an adult, he complains like a child.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. His behaviour - trying to push you into having sex when you don’t want to, guilting you because you refuse and getting angry are massive red flags. His feelings of entitlement and superiority over you is something I would recommend taking to marital counseling. Talk to your Priest as well, and make sure he is aware of the way your husband treats you.
 
Please, have your husband meet with the priest, deacon, or does he have some mentors in the Men’s Groups at the Parish?
 
I am very sorry for you…

The threats, and more acting upon them in your presence (if I correctly understand) are evil.
My conviction, is, if you cannot do it, you don’t have to do it. Force yourself will be very difficult for you, and perhaps not very satisfying for both. You are not the first young mother in this situation! It is quite common.
It can be very difficult for him, but he has no right here. It’s hard, but he has to recognized that is frustration can be justified, but you are not his sexual object.

It is difficult to give you advises…

If you have the will, the time, and the energy, you can perhaps began some therapy or counseling with a marriage counselor. Not necessarily a long one, but to put to express each others griefs and perhaps find solutions.
Any actions that allowed you to to get closer are more than welcomed.
 
Norseman82 said:
Ask your husband for help with the chores so that you are not so tired
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So much this. Most therapists will tell you that, barring physical problems, problems in the bedroom are caused by what goes on outside of the bedroom. You need to communicate with your husband what you need from him outside of the bedroom. He needs to deliver. You may be amazed how quickly this will clear up the issues inside the bedroom.
 
I wouldn’t talk to my priest. It rarely ever has a positive, orthodox result. Unless you already have a good relationship with him and trust his counsel.

Your husband was wrong to threaten you about intimacy, yet he also has reasonable desires. Taking them out through masturbation is not the good way to deal with them.

Trust me, this is very serious! You guys need to make some time for one another!!! Once a week try to have a date night… but if possible, don’t make it too structured. Maybe the day might change or two nights open up in one week… but the idea is to both work at a devotion to one another. Establish prayer together!!! ask him to pray with you, together, and ask as much as it takes! But ask that he says the prayer! And ask for St Rita’s prayers. Invoke her name.

Look into couples retreats like the Retrovaille (sp?)

This is my strongest advice: renew your love for one another, and I mean the love that comes from above!!! Don’t procrastinate this. Refuse to take offense at him and he at you! Forgive and love. Be honest with what you struggle with but reassure him of your love!

You seem genuine, like you care and want to get through this challenge. Express that you WANT to get back into intimacy, but that you need his patience and help for both of you to get there again!

I truly hope you can communicate good, have some heart to heart talks and love each other with the love that comes through your Sacrament marriage! Don’t give up! Don’t be offended! Cast out the spirits that are waging this war on you and many of us in marriages!

ST. RITA PRAY FOR THIS MARRIAGE!
 
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That’s very insightful of you, Monicad! Relationships are usually struggling because of both spouses.

It does no good to beat up on either, yet acknowledging faults is healthy in order to overcome what causes damage.

If both are really loving each other, and God, then offense will fade away.

Appeal to one another’s faith!!
 
Exactly!! You said it better than I could.

It does sound as if there is a communication problem, and that is not uncommon.
Dacinom said:
A spouse of either sex cannot use the excuse they’re tired or don’t feel like it, for months. There’s an element of cruelty to that my opinion.
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And if it goes on for too long, it can be a violation of the marriage vows, the “marital debt” (which ALWAYS causes a UUGGGEEE debate).
Dacinom said:
Ordinarily sexual relations are not an undertaking that take hours and hours of time ordinarily. Spending a small amount of time to honor your spouse, giving them the gift of love is a beautiful gesture.
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AMEN
 
rcwitness said:
I wouldn’t talk to my priest. It rarely ever has a positive, orthodox result.
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PLEASE. Disparaging the clergy is not cool, it is skating close to a violation of forum guidelines.

Our priests have been ordained, they have been trained, they are entrusted with the care of their sheep.
 
I said I would not. And because I’ve been down that road. I have tried to go to clergy about this very subject, and my real experience was NOT good. Not one priest, but several pastors.

We are in an informal separation, and I have moved parishes now because of the poor pastoral guidance.

The last straw was bringing my little girl to CCD registration… the pastor (who knows my situation well) made the comment in front of her, “I just saw your ex-wife”

I’m not going to share all of the bad advice from clergy because CAFers have used my personal situation to attack me personally.

The OP is free to talk to their pastor. Maybe she feels comfortable with that. Yet, if she really was, I think she already would do so.

FWIW, I’ve been told by priests to mutually masturbate, and use condoms (and after I rejected the advice he said to poke holes in them). Both of those advices I directly said, “I think that is against Church Teaching” they both insisted, quite arrogantly, that it was NOT!

If someone on CAF gave that kind of advice, you would tear into them!

Clergy needs to earn the kind of respect that people want to go to them! Why do you think all these Catholics are not going to them? Why are Pastors not expressing their invitation to come speak with them?

It’s like telling people, “Go to this restaurant! They have a chef with a culinary degree!” But when people go, and don’t like the food, that’s what matters. Let the food speak for itself, and people will come.
 
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Not raging. Defending my advice.

My pastors ended up to be counter productive. I had to not only work on my own marriage issues, but contend with unorthodox advice.

I wish someone would have warned and supported me through that. There were a few parishioners and friends.

Things are looking more positive lately. Jesus doesn’t stop working in hearts who seek Him and His ways. Even the most difficult, like myself.
 
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The Bible is clear that Jesus allows for mutually agreed upon separation (abstinence from sex) of spouses for the purposes of increased fasting & prayer, but it says to not for too long so as to give an opening to evil. It sounds like the situation described is:
  1. Not mutually agreed upon
  2. Way too long of a separation because evil was let into the marriage - even after a warning that evil was imminently upon them, the spouse still refused reunification = Both are equally at fault & both ought to seek forgiveness from one another & Reconcile with God
  3. Selfishness of considering oneself’s mood, or lack there of, over the spouse’s legitimate marital need
    At a marriage Bible Study we recently attending, it was said that the minimum for a healthy marriage is 3 times a week. Lol, but who focuses on the minimum if they truly want the best for their spouse? No way, we give ourselves willingly as much as possible not just the bare minimum. Though I guess there’s lots of us that live the minimum when it comes to the Faith, so I guess in marriage people might do the same. But aside from the 40 Days wait after childbirth, it’s unhealthy to go an entire week without renewing the marital covenant via intercourse (unless, of course, a spouse is physically incapable, like paralyzed).
    Praying for your family 📿
 
That said, I honestly wish husbands could share in the child bearing! Lol

“Its your turn, honey!” 😆

But it is for the woman to bear!
 
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Wife.of.Gabriel said:
At a marriage Bible Study we recently attending, it was said that the minimum for a healthy marriage is 3 times a week
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I hope the speaker at your retreat was making a joke!
Inaccurate Catholic argument: we don’t speak in “weaks”, more if we trying to avoid children via nfp…
Seems scientistically untrue too: more than 1 time a week seems not to benefit more the marriage.
Wife.of.Gabriel said:
But aside from the 40 Days wait after childbirth, it’s unhealthy to go an entire week without renewing the marital covenant via intercourse (unless, of course, a spouse is physically incapable, like paralyzed).
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Also not realistic and cruel for all the mothers who have ever given birth. And an exemple is not valid for all.
40 days after childbirth, according to the Leviticus is the date of when a mother of a young boy go to the Temple, for a thankfull sacrifice. But this delay is 80 days for a girl. So it is not a proof that all women should be recovered. Even if they go back to their activities as housewifes and wife.
40 days was usually the time of Churching of post partum mother, in history.
 
Normally I would say that unless resuming sex causes you significant pain, you should try to engage at least somewhat. He should understand that it might not be as frequent as before you were pregnant, but it shouldn’t be never, either. However, after reading how he’s attempted to manipulate you into sex using methods that border on emotional abuse, I can’t say I blame you for not feeling particularly swoony. I think you might look into a priest or counselor to help you talk through this. The way he was treating you is unreasonable and hopefully he can realize that, stop it at once, and you all can forgive and get back to it.
 
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That’s straight up ridiculous and I’d like to know what sort of self-appointed authority made this claim!
 
Hi everyone,

Thanks for the responses to our case. I appreciate everyone’s opinions and advice…most importantly, I appreciate your prayers. To answer some of your questions and add clarification on my case, I will expound more:

-Yes we do have a spiritual advisor. In fact, we come to our priest for guidance even before we were married…back when we were still discerning for each other, to courtship and engagement. Our spiritual advisor is fully aware of our issues. In fact, I admire my husband’s braveness when he confesses his sins. He does it face to face. Anyways, got sidetracked. He has given us advice on this. That it is not so much the lust or the sin of the flesh he should work on…but his pride and anger. Reminds me of Dante Alighieri’s levels of hell, where lust is found at the top and pride at the very bottom.

-Yes, we have communicated about this but it keeps repeating. As for love language…he is mostly physical touch, words of affirmation and quality time. Mine are words of affirmation and acts of service.

-No, I do not refuse him for a long time. Would be too personal to say but yes, just to clarify…I do not deny him a long time. But this happens so often that I’m worried for us. I think I will try your advice on splitting household duties or at least organize the week to manage it better. Sorry, new mom here…still learning the ropes. Does anyone have an example on how to do this?

-Yes, I do encourage him to lead more in prayer but it is hard for him to have a habit of prayer without me. Before, we used to faithfully pray Tobit and Sarah’s prayer everytime we renew our marital vows. Now, this has become our evening prayer. We pray the Angelus and the 3 O’clock prayer as well no matter where we are. But have to admit, he said he always forgets. And yes, we do attend Sunday Mass together and we are involved in a family ministry (charismatic in nature) in Church. We are working on more spontaneous prayer…as St. Teresa of Avila said…prayer is a conversation with a friend…who is Lord Jesus.

-My intention to post this situation in the forum is not to replace priestly advice nor just to make show of my sufferings…but it is to reach out to other people and see what they think of the matter. I apologize if it ever came across an awful way. Again, I’m not blaming my husband nor am I blaming my baby for whatever is happening. I do not wish to quit on my husband because it would be betraying Him who I love most, Jesus. Just seeking out practical advice on real struggles in our marriage. Fatigue is a real deal. Shout out to moms out there, pretty sure you would understand. It’s like having three fulltime jobs! And this is just the first baby! LOL

Please continue to pray for us!
 
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