Husband Masturbation Problems

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ChildofTherese said:
I think I will try your advice on splitting household duties or at least organize the week to manage it better. Sorry, new mom here…still learning the ropes. Does anyone have an example on how to do this?
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This really depends on what your husband helps out with already. I think it can be difficult for any spouse who does not stay home with a baby to comprehend how exhausting it really is. If you are breastfeeding that can be even more tiring. Who gets up at night with the baby? Does the baths? Changes diapers? Dresses her? Pays the bills? Does the dishes? Does the laundry? Arranges doctor’s appointments? Cleans the house? Shops for groceries? Does the meal planning and cooking? Being home with our son is the most difficult thing I have ever done, and I have worked as a full time professional for many years.

I’d choose a few things that you’d like help with, and make those tasks officially “his” responsibility. We did this- my husband is responsible for washing towels twice a week and taking out the trash. He also does his own laundry. (I work part time and care for our son full time, otherwise I wouldn’t need as much assistance.) He occasionally will get groceries.

Given your husband’s response in the past, though, I’d make it clear that more help is what you need from him simply because he is a part of the family and you are tired- not because it will get him more intimacy. A man who already is manipulating you emotionally may say “Oh, I loaded the dishwasher, let’s go” and that’s not how it works.
 
ChildofTherese said:
We are working on more spontaneous prayer…as St. Teresa of Avila said…prayer is a conversation with a friend…who is Lord Jesus.
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Yes! Written prayers can supplement your own words, but should not replace! I strongly believe a husband/father should say prayer. Not that you can never pray, but in general, when praying together, it is his responsibility. Voicing our heart before God and talking about things that are going on is convicting.
And this is just the first baby!
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Good! There are more to come, hopefully! You will get better!!
 
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Asserting what his responsibilities will be is also not how it works.
 
ChildofTherese said:
I think I will try your advice on splitting household duties or at least organize the week to manage it better. Sorry, new mom here…still learning the ropes. Does anyone have an example on how to do this?
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Yep. The thing that works best is “whomever sees something that needs doing, they do it”. It is not about assigning a chore chart or “I cook Wednesday, Saturday and Monday, you cook the other nights”. It is more one person cooks while the other gets the baby down for the night. Then, you two eat together - not in front of the TV - and do the dishes together.

See a pile of laundry? Throw it in the washer. See dry laundry, fold it.

Online grocery shopping from WalMart is a busy person’s dream. You can both put items in the “shopping cart” as you realize you need them (running low on toothpaste, open the app and add that to the next pickup) and do the shopping in a quiet, calm manner while on your lunch break on in your jammies. Set the pick up time that works for one of you, drive up, they bring the groceries to your car!!

WalMart also does those meal boxes with all of the ingredients and instructions that can really take the “what are we going to eat!” chore down several notches. This can also expose your sweet child to a range of foods once they are on solids.

I don’t remember if you are employed outside of the home, but, if you are look at hiring a cleaning service once a week to do the deep cleaning. Nothing nicer than coming home to a clean house!
 
rcwitness said:
Asserting what his responsibilities will be is also not how it works.
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Perhaps I did not express what I meant clearly. I didn’t mean she should say “You’re doing this now- deal with it.” I meant that she should come up with some tasks that would be most helpful to her, and ask him if he could make those his responsibility. I meant “decide collectively”. That is how my husband and I handled it. I told him I felt like I was drowning, and could he please handle his own laundry since I was home full time with a child and working part time. He said of course.

The OP’s husband, however, has already shown that he is willing to manipulate her. So it may not be that easy to help him understand that she needs help, and that the more help she gets the less tired she will be.
 
Clementine14 said:
Perhaps I did not express what I meant clearly. I didn’t mean she should say “You’re doing this now- deal with it.” I meant that she should come up with some tasks that would be most helpful to her, and ask him if he could make those his responsibility. I meant “decide collectively”. That is how my husband and I handled it. I told him I felt like I was drowning, and could he please handle his own laundry since I was home full time with a child and working part time. He said of course.
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Yes, that’s better. Refusing to help with chores would be wrong, for sure. Communicating about it, and both coming up with who can do what is cool.
The OP’s husband, however, has already shown that he is willing to manipulate her. So it may not be that easy to help him understand that she needs help, and that the more help she gets the less tired she will be.
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I don’t think manipulate is the right term. Threaten, probably, but perhaps telling the honest truth.
 
rcwitness said:
I don’t think manipulate is the right term. Threaten, probably, but perhaps telling the honest truth.
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He told her that if she didn’t have sex with him, he’d take care of himself. Then when she didn’t, he blamed her for it instead of taking responsibility for his actions. That is manipulation. He wanted her to feel like it was her fault, and in the end probably made her feel like he only wanted to use her rather than caring about how she felt.

The OP said that she does not in fact deny him for a long period of time, even if she doesn’t feel like it. This type of behavior on the husband’s part is an attempt to guilt trip her rather than come up with a solution. Perhaps she could do a better job of communicating to him exactly why she is too tired or distracted, I don’t know what kind of conversations they have. But either way he does not seem to be trying to understand.
 
I don’t think that’s manipulation. Not cool, because it’s definitely his fault, but may be her fault too. What is an acceptable amount of time? I think two weeks at the longest… then it’s no longer a valid excuse and blame is shared.

It’s a threat, which isn’t nice, but has an element of truth about it.
 
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Oh, I didn’t mean 2 wks after birth!

Though I’m not sure what you meant by “Ever layed in a hospital or worked in the night time?”?
 
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In_prayer said:
Too many women withdraw from their husbands and cast them aside in the name of that sacred cow “for the children” and blame it on being tired, busy, depressed etc.
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Its too bad that this happens because it can wreck a marriage. In some cases a man might start looking elsewhere.
 
Flagged as off topic. OP is not looking for a divorce. Also, your experiences or plans on some Catholic dating site have nothing to do with the topic at hand.
 
Z
“In_prayer said:
Personally if I was divorced and seeking a new wife it would entail:
  1. Background investigation by private investigator
  2. Complete TRW credit check
  3. Criminal history check
  4. One year of dating with absolutely no sex (sex creates a bond that can’t be broken even when you find the other person is a complete turd)
  5. Six months premarital counseling
  6. Meeting and speaking with her ex-husband and family (might be surprised what you hear)
  7. Comprehensive personality test reviewed privately with a psychologist I’ve personally paid for)
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Oh, you crazy romantic, you🤪
 
I was thinking more of “If you throw her in the lake and she sinks, she is not a witch”.
 
What is more important… some chores or making love to your husband?
 
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