Husband not supportive of new more modest wardrobe

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Honour

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Hi all,

Recently I’ve been buying dresses for church and skirts for everyday wear. I bought several jean skirts, long and knee length. My husband expressed this morning that he hates my new clothes, that I look like I’m going for “mormon lady in a compound”. He especially hates the jean skirts. Before I wore lots of jeans and tees, he hated the tees so I bought more dressy shirts, but a lot of them were tight, my newer shirts are more loose fitting, I bought several button downs. He says I look like I’m wearing a potato sack. He is in general a mean and controlling person with a very negative attitude towards me (everything I do is wrong)…I’m not complaining about that, and thats a whole different issue, just adding it for background.

Anyone dealt with this? Can I get some encouragement? Should I take him shopping with me to approve the clothes until I can get a better feel what will work for both of us? He would prefer me in a leather mini skirt and and crop top sooooo there is definitely some compromise required.

Thanks
 
I find dressing modestly while still looking stylish and feminine to be a challenge. Even WITH a supportive husband.

To the modesty guidelines - there are two schools of modesty thought - the first is pretty legalistic - skirts no more than three fingers above the knees, shirts no lower than four fingers below the collarbone, tank top straps no thinner than two fingers, etc. etc.

I’m a convert and my mainline Protestant mother could have given Catholic schools new rules; clothes shopping with her was a BATTLE. Therefore, I like the second school of modesty thought – if Jesus appeared in front of me, would I be ashamed of what I was wearing? That’s my modesty mantra.

I say this with love and affection – it sounds like your pendulum has swung a little too far. I have to admit that when I was reading what you bought (before I saw your hubby’s comments) I thought, 'What’s she converting to? Mormonism?" So he might have a bit of a point. At the same time, he can’t try to put you out there like a streetwalker.

If you’d described your husband differently - supportive, loving, sweet, and he felt that you weren’t looking attractive, I would definitely say you should take him shopping with you. I’d take him shopping with the caveat that he has to be supportive and working with you, that if he gets critical, demeaning, or things go in a really negative way then the trip is over.

Do you have a certain store that you like? I find some stores/ lines seem to work better than others. Also is there an upscale consignment shop near you? There’s one near me that I like, it’s like the ladies who are consigning have done all the work for me. (And they often have some nice upscale purses.)

Do you have a friend who looks stylish, cute, attractive (whatever adjective you’d like to insert) who could be a shopping support? Maybe you don’t even take her shopping with you, but you text her pics of what you’re thinking of buying?

My final tip is - camisoles, camisoles, camisoles. Because I’m petite, things seem be sooooo low. I have loads of camisoles in all different colors in all different fabrics.
 
Honour said:
He is in general a mean and controlling person with a very negative attitude towards me (everything I do is wrong)…I’m not complaining about that, and thats a whole different issue, just adding it for background.
Click to expand...
In that case, you’re not really surprised about his reaction to your new clothes, are you?
Should I take him shopping with me to approve the clothes until I can get a better feel what will work for both of us? He would prefer me in a leather mini skirt and and crop top sooooo there is definitely some compromise required.
Click to expand...
Thanks
Click to expand...
Given what you’ve said, what would be the point in taking him shopping with you? You know what he’s going to want you to pick out, and they’re not things you’re comfortable wearing in public. IMHO, taking him shopping would just end up with a big argument. Sounds like even if you bought what he wanted you to, he’d find a way to complain later. 😦
 
Honour said:
Hi all,

Recently I’ve been buying dresses for church and skirts for everyday wear. I bought several jean skirts, long and knee length. My husband expressed this morning that he hates my new clothes, that I look like I’m going for “mormon lady in a compound”. He especially hates the jean skirts. Before I wore lots of jeans and tees, he hated the tees so I bought more dressy shirts, but a lot of them were tight, my newer shirts are more loose fitting, I bought several button downs. He says I look like I’m wearing a potato sack. He is in general a mean and controlling person with a very negative attitude towards me (everything I do is wrong)…I’m not complaining about that, and thats a whole different issue, just adding it for background.

Anyone dealt with this? Can I get some encouragement? Should I take him shopping with me to approve the clothes until I can get a better feel what will work for both of us? He would prefer me in a leather mini skirt and and crop top sooooo there is definitely some compromise required.

Thanks
Click to expand...
In my opinion, if your husband is “in general a mean and controlling person with a very negative attitude toward (you),” that’s what you and he should work on. The clothes issue seems to me a symptom of the way he treats you.
 
You should be able to wear what you feel comfortable in and what you feel is appropriate, you are an adult woman. I don’t expect for one minute that your husband allows you to dictate his wardrobe? I wear big tee-shirts and baggy jeans most of the time, my husband always says “you look lovely”, although I’m fairly sure I don’t and he’d prefer me to look more girly. 🙂

Please don’t let him control you in this way, if he’s already doing it in other ways.
 
I wear what I want to Church, whatever I am comfortable in, regardless of what my better half thinks. Mind you he would probably not dare to venture such an opinion.

I usually wear smart ladylike attire. No plunging necklines. Dresses/skirts just below the knee. I always wear an item of bright colour, whether it’s just the skirt/shirt/dress, then everything else is plain. Bright colours brighten my day. I’m not big on church makeup, lipgloss and mascara is enough. A splash of bright colour and plain heels and pearl earrings does it for me. Sometimes my hubby will say ‘that’s a bit bright’, I smile, agree/disagree with him and still wear it.

You may have less freedom. If he really doesn’t like the long denim skirts. Why not purchase a nice fitting dress/skirt with a hemline just below the knees and medium heel shoes?
 
Clothing being sold now does not present much of a middle ground, particularly for short women. It either looks as if you’re going to be following a prairie schooner or else looks as if you have a price tag on yourself. You almost have to learn to sew.

When looking for a middle ground, look for things that are tailored. If you wear something that would hide an extra 20 or 30 pounds, it looks as if you are hiding an extra 20 or 30 pounds. Button-down shirts can be found, for instance, that have a feminine cut, showing that you have a waist, which man-cut shirts do not do.

As for the way he asks, it does not hurt to point out that it is hard to break your back to please someone who is insulting, and his nasty manner is certainly not something that elicits romantic thoughts.
 
Isca said:
You should be able to wear what you feel comfortable in and what

Please don’t let him control you in this way, if he’s already doing it in other ways.
Click to expand...
I completely agree with not allowing him to control you in this way, but I think this could be a reasonable area to begin drawing boundaries and addressing the power/ control dynamic in your marriage. This topic could be the testing ground. So I think it’s reasonable to hear his (name removed by moderator)ut, but you get to make the final say. And if he gets obnoxious while shopping, the trip is over; you might go as far to take a separate car or go somewhere where you can get transportation home if he breaks the guidelines. You make it clear that if he is reasonable, he has (name removed by moderator)ut. If he’s unreasonable - no (name removed by moderator)ut.

To the day to day, if you wear something that he criticizes, you say, “Thank you for pointing that out to me,” or “Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut,” or “Hmmm, sorry you’re not crazy about this, I like it.” Don’t run and change your clothes and don’t engage.

Oh, my other modest yet stylish tip - accessories. I love Burlington and Charming Charlie’s for inexpensive, trendy things and have a few “staple” pieces I love.
 
Honour said:
Hi all,

Recently I’ve been buying dresses for church and skirts for everyday wear. I bought several jean skirts, long and knee length. My husband expressed this morning that he hates my new clothes, that I look like I’m going for “mormon lady in a compound”. He especially hates the jean skirts. Before I wore lots of jeans and tees, he hated the tees so I bought more dressy shirts, but a lot of them were tight, my newer shirts are more loose fitting, I bought several button downs. He says I look like I’m wearing a potato sack. He is in general a mean and controlling person with a very negative attitude towards me (everything I do is wrong)…I’m not complaining about that, and thats a whole different issue, just adding it for background.

Anyone dealt with this? Can I get some encouragement? Should I take him shopping with me to approve the clothes until I can get a better feel what will work for both of us? He would prefer me in a leather mini skirt and and crop top sooooo there is definitely some compromise required.

Thanks
Click to expand...
If he is critical of everything you do, anyway, always complaining, does it make any difference what you where, since he’s just always going to complain no matter what?

Some people in my family have been a bit mean. One aunt of mine is said to have been mean to a point people were actually afraid of her. Seems I was!

Anyway, years ago, I had to stay with her. She was SO nice. However, she said she didn’t used to be, that she felt miserable pretty much her entire life. Then, she was admitting this all to her doctor, who said, “You’re depressed!” He put her on an antidepressant, and she said from that point on, she was a changed woman.

We know that depression often runs in families, is often hereditary, chemical, actually.
My mother described some other people in our family also as “mean”, and after that, I came to wonder if depression could have anything to do with that.

So, if he’s always like that, thought had crossed my mind as to why.

We used to believe, with my aunt, that it was her nature to be mean, but no. It wasn’t.

I have a friend of mine who can also be a bit mean, cruel. I know he was sexually molested as a child by a trusted friend, I believe for 2 years. The friend was eventually found out, arrested, put in jail for abusing a bunch of other kids, as well. My friend was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder.

He tried meds in the 1980s, said they made him feel sleepy and more. Meds have changed, but he refuses to try that. He’s been married and divorced 3 times. I think his past, that, and being raised by an alcoholic father, didn’t help matters.

Something for you to consider. A lot of people, even if they are depressed, or have other issues, resist treatment due to the stigma. However, it’s not normal to be like that, though we often act as if it were. I don’t know what’s “eating” your husband.

Some are narcissists, but those will generally never admit it.

Some are perfectionists, have things like obsessive-compulsive, have to have everything just so.

I don’t know why your husband’s like that, in general, I mean.

As to the clothes, not sure how to handle that. I dress very modestly, but I’m not married. I try not to care what others think or say. Modesty isn’t the “in” thing, right now, especially where I live. However, I try to do what I think is pleasing to God over what people think.

I admit that here, it’s hard to find nice looking modest clothes. They were easier to find in the US.
 
Honey, being unsupportive of your clothing choices are the least of your worries. From you prior thread:
*
Now he is saying that I must take the pill or he will leave me and take my oldest daughter with him, and if I fight him for her, he will ruin my life and make me so miserable that I want to die until I give her up.*

Get a lawyer, and get out NOW.
 
NFPWife said:
I completely agree with not allowing him to control you in this way, but I think this could be a reasonable area to begin drawing boundaries and addressing the power/ control dynamic in your marriage. This topic could be the testing ground. So I think it’s reasonable to hear his (name removed by moderator)ut, but you get to make the final say. And if he gets obnoxious while shopping, the trip is over; you might go as far to take a separate car or go somewhere where you can get transportation home if he breaks the guidelines. You make it clear that if he is reasonable, he has (name removed by moderator)ut. If he’s unreasonable - no (name removed by moderator)ut.

To the day to day, if you wear something that he criticizes, you say, “Thank you for pointing that out to me,” or “Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut,” or “Hmmm, sorry you’re not crazy about this, I like it.” Don’t run and change your clothes and don’t engage.

Oh, my other modest yet stylish tip - accessories. I love Burlington and Charming Charlie’s for inexpensive, trendy things and have a few “staple” pieces I love.
Click to expand...
I LOVE Charming Charlie’s!! Ok, sorry. I could spend tons of money there. 😃

My husband doesn’t care what I wear, so I don’t have thing problem. I dress appropriately, but not as modest as the OP. To each their own I guess.

OP, I wouldn’t put up with his mess. Tell him this is makes you feel comfortable and that you are sorry he doesn’t like it.

Also, Maxi skirts/dresses are totally in right now. Just in case you wanna move away from jean skirts.
 
EasterJoy said:
… Button-down shirts can be found, for instance, that have a feminine cut, showing that you have a waist, which man-cut shirts do not do.
Click to expand...
Good point - you can find them several places - Land’s End, Ann Taylor, Loft, Coldwater Creek, H&M, Gap, Old Navy, and some of the lines at Kohl’s have them. You can get nice feminine colors, too. Also, don’t overlook Forever 21. Forever 21 is like an interesting treasure hunt - you’ll sort through a lot to find a gem, but it’ll be a cheap gem! 😃

You might also like a couple nice wrap dresses. (With a cami underneath!) They’ll show your shape without being immodest.
 
NFPWife said:
I find dressing modestly while still looking stylish and feminine to be a challenge. Even WITH a supportive husband.

To the modesty guidelines - there are two schools of modesty thought - the first is pretty legalistic - skirts no more than three fingers above the knees, shirts no lower than four fingers below the collarbone, tank top straps no thinner than two fingers, etc. etc.

I’m a convert and my mainline Protestant mother could have given Catholic schools new rules; clothes shopping with her was a BATTLE. Therefore, I like the second school of modesty thought – if Jesus appeared in front of me, would I be ashamed of what I was wearing? That’s my modesty mantra.

I say this with love and affection – it sounds like your pendulum has swung a little too far. I have to admit that when I was reading what you bought (before I saw your hubby’s comments) I thought, 'What’s she converting to? Mormonism?" So he might have a bit of a point. At the same time, he can’t try to put you out there like a streetwalker.

If you’d described your husband differently - supportive, loving, sweet, and he felt that you weren’t looking attractive, I would definitely say you should take him shopping with you. I’d take him shopping with the caveat that he has to be supportive and working with you, that if he gets critical, demeaning, or things go in a really negative way then the trip is over.

Do you have a certain store that you like? I find some stores/ lines seem to work better than others. Also is there an upscale consignment shop near you? There’s one near me that I like, it’s like the ladies who are consigning have done all the work for me. (And they often have some nice upscale purses.)

Do you have a friend who looks stylish, cute, attractive (whatever adjective you’d like to insert) who could be a shopping support? Maybe you don’t even take her shopping with you, but you text her pics of what you’re thinking of buying?

My final tip is - camisoles, camisoles, camisoles. Because I’m petite, things seem be sooooo low. I have loads of camisoles in all different colors in all different fabrics.
Click to expand...
👍 I dress modestly but get compliments from all, definitely camisoles with short sleeves, no low neck, a Christian should not have boobs showing, a nice piece of costume jewellery, smart jacket and trousers or skirt to the knee or below, I am always incredulous at the amount of women who insist on showing there chest along with wrinkly skin. Both are just horrible and look like a hooker. What is in your mind shows on your body. A hijab is not required but modesty is. I agree with you if Our Lord or Our Lady appeared to us would we be Ok with our clothing. I pray that all of us Catholics would.
 
1ke said:
Honey, being unsupportive of your clothing choices are the least of your worries. From you prior thread:
*
Now he is saying that I must take the pill or he will leave me and take my oldest daughter with him, and if I fight him for her, he will ruin my life and make me so miserable that I want to die until I give her up.*

Get a lawyer, and get out NOW.
Click to expand...
Wait, WHAT?! I didn’t see that prior thread. That takes things to whole different level. That’s a pretty serious threat. Are you safe? You should consult a lawyer, even if you’re not leaving now, getting some advice on how to protect yourself and get out smoothly would be prudent.
 
1ke said:
Honey, being unsupportive of your clothing choices are the least of your worries. From you prior thread:
*
Now he is saying that I must take the pill or he will leave me and take my oldest daughter with him, and if I fight him for her, he will ruin my life and make me so miserable that I want to die until I give her up.*

Get a lawyer, and get out NOW.
Click to expand...
Wow. Yes, I’d get legal advice at the very least. That is a serious and credible threat.
 
NFPWife said:
Good point - you can find them several places - Land’s End, Ann Taylor, Loft, Coldwater Creek, H&M, Gap, Old Navy, and some of the lines at Kohl’s have them. You can get nice feminine colors, too. Also, don’t overlook Forever 21. Forever 21 is like an interesting treasure hunt - you’ll sort through a lot to find a gem, but it’ll be a cheap gem! 😃

You might also like a couple nice wrap dresses. (With a cami underneath!) They’ll show your shape without being immodest.
Click to expand...
Forever 21 is a gem. So is TJMaxx and Marshalls.
 
KendraDZ1902 said:
Forever 21 is a gem. So is TJMaxx and Marshalls.
Click to expand...
Yes! We could be shopping buddies 🙂

I find Charming Charlie’s a little overwhelming (in a delightful way!) if I’m not looking for something specific. I tend to wear or take in what I’m looking for an accessory for to help me focus. The last few times I’ve been to the one near me, the Chico’s across the mall has had very similar accessories in their window display. For about 5 times the price! I always wonder if CC does their display after Chico’s. I also wonder if that Chico’s sells even a tenth of the accessories of their other stores. The quality difference is negligible and not worth the price difference.
 
meltzerboy said:
In my opinion, if your husband is “in general a mean and controlling person with a very negative attitude toward (you),” that’s what you and he should work on. The clothes issue seems to me a symptom of the way he treats you.
Click to expand...
Exactly. Your husband sounds like an abusive person.
 
Honour said:
Hi all,

Recently I’ve been buying dresses for church and skirts for everyday wear. I bought several jean skirts, long and knee length. My husband expressed this morning that he hates my new clothes, that I look like I’m going for “mormon lady in a compound”. He especially hates the jean skirts. Before I wore lots of jeans and tees, he hated the tees so I bought more dressy shirts, but a lot of them were tight, my newer shirts are more loose fitting, I bought several button downs. He says I look like I’m wearing a potato sack. He is in general a mean and controlling person with a very negative attitude towards me (everything I do is wrong)…I’m not complaining about that, and thats a whole different issue, just adding it for background.

Anyone dealt with this? Can I get some encouragement? Should I take him shopping with me to approve the clothes until I can get a better feel what will work for both of us? He would prefer me in a leather mini skirt and and crop top sooooo there is definitely some compromise required.

Thanks
Click to expand...
I think it would be nice if you took your husband with you at least at first since this is a change. That way you can include him in your changing taste and find out things he would like that you also like.

They still make Jean skirts? I could see why that could be a problem for him. 😃
 
That one of bringing hubby has been answered by he wants me to look like a hooker.

No bring him with if you can also express what he should wear, guys who do this are control freaks, wide berth. These guys treat women like an item, ask him would he like to be treated in the same way.
 
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