Husband not supportive of new more modest wardrobe

[Deana83]

You should be able to wear what you feel comfortable in and what you feel is appropriate, you are an adult woman. I don’t expect for one minute that your husband allows you to dictate his wardrobe? I wear big tee-shirts and baggy jeans most of the time, my husband always says “you look lovely”, although I’m fairly sure I don’t and he’d prefer me to look more girly.

Please don’t let him control you in this way, if he’s already doing it in other ways.

That’s how I feel about it too. I think his controlling ways is more of the issue than your taste in clothes. Do you tell him how to dress? My husband has bought me a couple shirts that I didn’t like and I won’t wear them. He would like me to be less conservative, well I’m a little heavier than I want to be and if I feel fat or think I look fat- not wearing it. Hey and I’m close to 50, just don’t feel comfortable with skimpy these days. He’ll get over it.

 

[Xantippe]

Honour said:

“He is in general a mean and controlling person with a very negative attitude towards me (everything I do is wrong)…”

As people have said, it sounds like that’s your problem.

Less seriously, do they even sell leather skirts in maternity sizes? I can see some obvious problems with leather skirts as mom-wear.

 

[Nelka]

He is in general a mean and controlling person with a very negative attitude towards me (everything I do is wrong)…I’m not complaining about that, and thats a whole different issue, just adding it for background.

For a moment I thought I had written something about my wife.

She is exactly the same, she said I looked like a tramp and hates it when I wear a hat even if it is -20.

I think all you can do is pray. If you like your new modest clothes I think you should stick with them.

 

[cheese_sdc]

Is your husband converting to Catholicism with you? Or is he already Catholic?

 

[firead]

One thing you could try is to get some mail order catalogs with clothing that you consider modest and like and would wear and go through them with him to see what he would find acceptable. This worked with my husband, who is also not a Christian and also liked me to dress a lot more sexy/skimpy, in the past. I will admit, I had gone the jean shirt and loose blouse or dress route at the time and did look downright frumpy. There are plenty of clothes that are modest but will not leave you looking like a stereotypical fundamentalist homeschool mom.

You could also maybe get some ideas for modest but cute outfit ideas from some of the modest fashion blogs and pinterest boards out there. I can’t think of any Catholic fashion blogs off the top of my head, but I have found that those run by Mormon and Jewish women tend to be a little more stylish than those run by conservative Christians, while still falling within the bounds of modesty.

As far as the issues with your husband being negative and controlling, you should try to seek counseling if possible. Some have suggested planning to leave, but that can be hard with children or something you do not want to do. Either way (speaking from similar expeireince here and what i learned from my own mistakes), decide what your plan is and adjust your attitude accordingly. I am not saying submit to abuse at all, but if you really want to keep your marriage try to see his good points and not always expect him to be mean, negative, or judgemental. Also, do not look down upon him for not being a Christian. If he feels judged and things you are trying to be holier-than-thou because of your clothing or faith, it may make him double down evenmore against the faith and could lead to him trying to keep you from church and/or trying to turn your children against the faith.

 

[Joie_de_Vivre]

shabbyapple.com isn’t cheap, but does have some very stylish clothes for those with a taste for bright clothing.

I don’t like jean skirts either to be honest.

 

[Honour]

Thanks all for the (name removed by moderator)uts. I wasn’t trying to bring up any past issues and Im certainly not looking for “leave him” advice. I like my jean skirts and the shirts too. Ive never been a fashionista. I hate spending money on clothes. I tend to shop second hand or places like Ross, Burlington, TJMaxx etc where I feel like I am getting more for my money. My goal here is to be out of jeans as my daily clothes. I want to be in skirts, I now own 4 jean skirts 2 long two short, and maybe 10 other types of shirts and 4 dresses. Im finally at the point were I am stocked up and can slowly build up and be more choosy. The jean skirts are a key right now as they can go with all my shirts that I used to wear with jeans. Here is an example of an outfit he didn’t like. I don’t think its that bad. You can’t please them all, Id rather please there Lord. I don’t think my pendulum has swung too far. The other was similar cut shirt in a shiny purple with a dark washed knee length jean skirt. One problem I am having is that Im a bit big busted so stuff that fits my chest that doest over emphasize that area, tends to be baggy around the stomach, giving me a block shape. i1352.photobucket.com/albums/q660/LMCParker/7f218ace-f13c-469c-81b0-e2944ea8cab6_zpsab0f9b37.jpg

 

[lily22]

go to Nordstrom rack and find some good wool skirts, floor length cotton and black leather (knee length) skirts. Do whatever it takes to make a good impression on your man, don’t let him not find you attractive!!!

Denim skirts are not my favorite either.

Find a hip leather jacket. Don’t sacrifice modesty for good clothing. Modesty does not mean loss of quality.

 

[lily22]

shop.nordstrom.com/s/halogen-ela-suit-jacket-regular-petite/3426835?origin=category-personalizedsort&contextualcategoryid=0&fashionColor=Heather+Taupe&resultback=9487&cm_sp=personalizedsort--browseresults--1_25_A

 

[lily22]

shop.nordstrom.com/s/chelsea28-trench-coat/3615668?origin=category-personalizedsort&contextualcategoryid=0&fashionColor=&resultback=3293&cm_sp=personalizedsort--browseresults--1_8_B

 

[Honour]

Do whatever it takes to make a good impression on your man, don’t let him not find you attractive!!!

Don’t sacrifice modesty for good clothing. Modesty does not mean loss of quality.

To your first comment, I think that’s pretty ridiculous. If substituting jean skirts for jeans make my husband run for some other woman then he can stay.

And secondly, I told you guys that I’m not interested in fashion or changing the price tag of the clothes I wear, just the modesty level. And this is why I stay off the forums, ask for encouragement and get the fashion police. How quickly I forget.

Thanks all who gave encouragement and good suggestions, and forget all you who wanted to make negative comments about my marriage and drudge up old posts, and critique my lack of style. Next time remember why I stay away, I don’t have thick enough skin to deal with y’all.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

My idea of modest enough (at least on me), probably goes above and beyond what a lot of catholic ladies on this site require. This is primarily because I used to have a serious weight problem and I like to keep my old stretch marks covered.

However, what the heck is wrong with dressing in a way that your husband likes? This is not about “controlling” what your spouse wears, but rather, recognizing that your spouse loves you, chose you to be their one and only, and putting forth a little effort to make them feel like you still care about sexual excitement and attraction in your marriage.

In the summers, I love brightly colored peasant skirts. I feel very uncomfortable in shorts and I haven’t worn them since I was a kid. My husband hates my skirts. So, on the hottest days, I wear what I want to stay cool, but if we are spending the day together and it isn’t unbearably hot, I wear capri pants for him.

You look young and you have a great figure. Why not dress modestly in a way that your husband doesn’t hate? Long denim skirts have a certain connotation that you’ve already seen on this thread. They are about as unsexy as it gets, and it doesn’t surprise me that a man doesn’t want to see his pretty young wife wearing the same outfit that his sixth grade math teacher wore.

My husband and I shop for our clothes together. We never dictate what the other wears, and I’ll frequently buy things for work that he doesn’t like. But we both very seriously consider the other’s opinion and try to dress in such a way that the other finds attractive.

I would actually go so far as to say that not caring if your husband finds you attractive is unhealthy.

 

[Iheartcoffee]

If some of the other things I have read are true, then it sounds like he is a controlling man and a dangerous man to begin with and there is a lot more wrong with this issue than clothes. You need to seek help.

 

[KCT]

If I wore a denim skirt everyday, I don’t think my dh would be too happy. Many are shapeless and drab.

Long denim skirts and short leather skirts are not the only 2 choices.

If he’s mean and controlling as you say, do you have expectations that he’s ever going to like what you wear? (other than leather mini skirts…)

 

[fpt]

Hi all,

Recently I’ve been buying dresses for church and skirts for everyday wear. I bought several jean skirts, long and knee length. My husband expressed this morning that he hates my new clothes, that I look like I’m going for “mormon lady in a compound”. He especially hates the jean skirts. Before I wore lots of jeans and tees, he hated the tees so I bought more dressy shirts, but a lot of them were tight, my newer shirts are more loose fitting, I bought several button downs. He says I look like I’m wearing a potato sack. He is in general a mean and controlling person with a very negative attitude towards me (everything I do is wrong)…I’m not complaining about that, and thats a whole different issue, just adding it for background.

Anyone dealt with this? Can I get some encouragement? Should I take him shopping with me to approve the clothes until I can get a better feel what will work for both of us? He would prefer me in a leather mini skirt and and crop top sooooo there is definitely some compromise required.

Thanks

How do you define his attempts of controlling on you about this topic of garments of wife? What are the constitutive elements of this particular habit? What does he do and what does he say?

Do you agree with the fact that the husband has rights, obligations and duties about garments of his own wife??? What are your standards and his standards? Does he agree with the fact that you have have your own rights, your own obligations and you own duties about your own garments???

Objectively speaking, do you respect your state of wife about garments? What is your own mentality about the notion of modesty? Are you on the balance, on the moderation and on the middle?

Not to be in the overreaction about the praxis of the female modesty of wife is the rule. You are not a nun, you are a wife. He is not a monk, he is a husband. He has to purify his own view and you have to purify your own view on the notion of modesty in garments of female spouse.

You have to seduce your husband by the garments in the respect of the natural moral order. You have to keep your husband, you have to regulate and to moderate his concupiscence. You are here for him.

 

[fpt]

Hi all,

Recently I’ve been buying dresses for church and skirts for everyday wear. I bought several jean skirts, long and knee length. My husband expressed this morning that he hates my new clothes, that I look like I’m going for “mormon lady in a compound”. He especially hates the jean skirts. Before I wore lots of jeans and tees, he hated the tees so I bought more dressy shirts, but a lot of them were tight, my newer shirts are more loose fitting, I bought several button downs. He says I look like I’m wearing a potato sack. He is in general a mean and controlling person with a very negative attitude towards me (everything I do is wrong)…I’m not complaining about that, and thats a whole different issue, just adding it for background.

Anyone dealt with this? Can I get some encouragement? Should I take him shopping with me to approve the clothes until I can get a better feel what will work for both of us? He would prefer me in a leather mini skirt and and crop top sooooo there is definitely some compromise required.

Thanks

Are you a follower of Colleen Hammond on the notion of modesty? Are you a follower of Raylan Alleman (Fixthefamily’s blog) about the notion of modesty? Do you have any news habits, very strong by contrast with the past?

BALANCE AND MODERATION ARE THE RULES. TALK TO HIM, FIND A COMPROMISE, USE YOUR OWN BRAIN, DO NOT FOLLOW THE FUNDAMENTALIST MOVEMENTS ON THIS TOPIC: GO SHOPPING TOGETHER.

Only, for information: Advice Please - Wife Going Overboard
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=777655

 

[holyrood]

However, what the heck is wrong with dressing in a way that your husband likes? This is not about “controlling” what your spouse wears, but rather, recognizing that your spouse loves you, chose you to be their one and only, and putting forth a little effort to make them feel like you still care about sexual excitement and attraction in your marriage.

Something you and I agree on!

If that were the only issue, I’d be entirely with you, but given the bigger picture, I think there are real problems here. OP, I was married to someone who liked to get in a lot of little digs and criticisms. It only escalated over the years. I hope you’ll start dealing with that issue.

As to the modest issue–a totally separate issue–the shortest skirts I ever wear to church are at the knee, not even above. Nothing low-cut, no spaghetti straps. I get a lot of compliments, and I don’t think *anyone *thinks I look like I’m following a prairie schooner.

I can only tell you that I love shopping at thrift stores, and I find tons of unique and attractive clothes there, and if what’s currently being produced is either immodest or frumpy, I’m avoiding that issue by not buying what’s currently being made.

 

[fpt]

Hi all,

Recently I’ve been buying dresses for church and skirts for everyday wear. I bought several jean skirts, long and knee length. My husband expressed this morning that he hates my new clothes, that I look like I’m going for “mormon lady in a compound”. He especially hates the jean skirts. Before I wore lots of jeans and tees, he hated the tees so I bought more dressy shirts, but a lot of them were tight, my newer shirts are more loose fitting, I bought several button downs. He says I look like I’m wearing a potato sack. He is in general a mean and controlling person with a very negative attitude towards me (everything I do is wrong)…I’m not complaining about that, and thats a whole different issue, just adding it for background.

Anyone dealt with this? Can I get some encouragement? Should I take him shopping with me to approve the clothes until I can get a better feel what will work for both of us? He would prefer me in a leather mini skirt and and crop top sooooo there is definitely some compromise required.

Thanks

About garment and co, you have to struggle against* the Manicheism, the Catharism, the Jansenism, the Puritanism, the pre-Victorianism, the Victorianism, the post-Victorianism, the Quiverfullism, the Fundamentalism, the Integrism, the Scrupulism, the Prudism, the fundamentalist catholicism, the fundamentalist protestantismes and the mormonism.*

Do not be polluted and influenced by the mentality of Mormons on the modesty and Co (they are not christians). We are catholic, not more, not less. Faith and Reason and Reason and Faith are the keys.

 

[EasterJoy]

OP, you said “Here is an example of an outfit he didn’t like. I don’t think its that bad. You can’t please them all, I’d rather please there Lord.”

Be 100% honest with yourself. Put aside the temptation to stop your ears to uncomfortable suggestions that do not please you at least until you have examined them thoroughly and truly found them wanting.

Are you truly seeking to please the Lord over your husband, or are you giving your own self-direction precedence over directions coming from your spouse?

When you have asked the Lord about this in prayer, asking for God’s help so that you could find some way to please both the Lord and your husband, which is what you want to do with all of your heart, what answer did you discern? Did the Lord tell you that “I don’t think it is that bad” ought to be acceptable to your husband as evidence of how you love and honor him as you promised before God that you would do as long as you both live?

After all, look at 1 Corinthians 7. Those of us who marry have been warned very clearly that anxiety over how to please our spouses is a distraction that is part of our state in life. Note that St. Paul did not say, “Don’t let what your spouses might want distract you.” He said that you ought to think twice before you marry, because the married state in life has trials that the single are spared, including anxieties of the world and the need to consider how to please our spouses. He clearly told those of us who marry: “The husband should fulfill his duty toward his wife, and likewise the wife toward her husband. A wife does not have authority over her own body, but rather her husband, and similarly a husband does not have authority over his own body, but rather his wife.” (1 Cor. 7:3-4)

Pleasing your husband by the gift of your body is one of the duties of the state of life you chose. You cannot pretend you entered the religious life instead of getting married! As St. Paul put it, you are “divided,” having the duty to please both the Lord and your spouse at the same time.

You have promised to love him and honor him, to give yourself to him without reservation. That means that pleasing him when you dress does have importance. I don’t mean that he gets to be a dictator. I mean that we are to dictate to ourselves in our spouses’ favor, not in our own. As St. Paul also said as he opened his treatment of marriage and family life in Ephesians 5: “Be subordinate to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (Eph. 5:21) and also in Phillipians: “If there is any encouragement in Christ, any solace in love, any participation in the Spirit, any compassion and mercy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, with the same love, united in heart, thinking one thing. Do nothing out of selfishness or out of vainglory; rather, humbly regard others as more important than yourselves, each looking out not for his own interests, but everyone for those of others.”(Phil 2:1-4)

 

[EasterJoy]

PS To clarify, I was not suggesting that you get legal advice so that you could leave your husband. I suggested you get legal advice so that you won’t lose your children, should he preemptively decide to leave you. People usually don’t mean it when they begin to throw around threats like that, but they have this way of coming around to their own talk.

Always take that kind of talk very seriously. Don’t let it be thrown around as if it means nothing. The more often words like that are repeated, the more likely they are to be fulfilled. Think very seriously about things you yourself say, things like “If substituting jean skirts for jeans make my husband run for some other woman then he can stay.” That is a flippant way to talk about something as serious as adultery and the breakup of your family, whether the possibility is likely or not and whether you mean to do it or not.