Husband says we'll have time for us later

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JLCecilia

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DH and I had discussed doing something special for our 10th anniversary next year and I suggested going, just the 2 of us, back to our honeymoon spot a few hours away. He seemed to really like that idea . . .Till a better offer came along. His friend (who lives in a really neat big city) invited us up for a visit and asked to extend the invitiation to my BIL and his wife. I think this would be a really fun trip and I know DH would LOVE to go, but he said if we do this trip, we wouldn’t be able to afford our anniversary trip. I told him we have to prioritize time for just the two of us, to which he replied, “We’ll have time for us later.”

Now, I know he didn’t mean it the way I’m taking it, I know that he’s really just excited to go on a ‘real’ vacation that doesn’t include kids, but I am heartbroken. I know that the compromise would be to carve out a day on our trip just for us and let the other couples know what’s up - I don’t think they would mind. BUT, I know that DH will not do this b/c he doesn’t want to miss a minute with his friend and the big city.

And when DH says later, that pretty much means never. I get that I’m not as much fun to hang out with as his friend and brother. I think there will be hard feelings either way - me feeling slighted out of a chance for alone time if we go on the big city trip or DH feeling resentful for trading out a fun trip for one less fun. I’m just praying that, without any misfortune befalling anyone, that this offer falls through or we just can’t get everyone’s schedules to come together so DH won’t feel as bad about missing out or having to make the tough decision of which trip to choose.
 
Marriage counseling is a perfect fit for this situation. It would certainly get my attention and refocus on my priorities. I don’t see anything but good coming from it, even if he changes his mind. If he changes his mind AND his heart, that might be enough, but based on your post, I imagine he might not.

Most of the people I have talked to, but not all, have said that they found benefit in going to MC. Tell him that it would be a sign of strength, not weakness, if he were to agree.

Men are often just grown up boys, I know, I am one. Just three years ago, I wanted to get Guitar Hero for Christmas. I often screw up my priorities in the everyday name of “fun, because I work so hard,” and sheer exhaustion. We need reminders to keep our focus. The stronger the denial, the louder the reminder needs to be.

Blessings
-E
 
If your dh hasn’t seen his friend in a long time his desire to see him may be overriding his common sense. As esieffe says men can be like little boys sometimes and get their priorities mixed up. If you have no real problems in your marriage, I imagine that’s all that’s going on–his eager anticipation of seeing an old friend and reliving his “glory days” as a young guy.

I agree that counseling couldn’t hurt, but unless it’s more serious, I’d hold off on suggesting it–he may think you are overreacting and that will only make him dig in deeper. What you want to do is make a day out with you more exciting a propostion than hanging out with an old friend. In a word, use your womanly wiles on him, but don’t make an issue out of this trip. If this were part of a pattern of neglect I’d advise differently.

I’d make the best of it and not let him know your not thrilled about this trip. It’s fine to say, in a sweet way that spending some of the time on the trip together might be nice–to make it something of a 2nd honeymoon. Just let the idea sink in. He hasn’t lost interest in you, he’s just excited about something else right now. Like a kid on Christmas morning opening a present, after the intial joy of seeing an old friend is over, he may welcome some time away from him and want to be with alone with you. Maybe you could arrange to go somewhere alone after this trip for one day. I think it’s best to be accommodating on this one. 🙂
 
For reference, I’m not married, I’m only 21, and thus my perspective is much different, but my hope is that maybe something I can say will help?

Like another poster mentioned, it may just be that your husband is just really excited to see his friend. One thing I’ve noticed with my girlfriend is that she doesn’t seem to understand how important my friends are to me. I’m not saying you don’t, and certainly the expectations are different in a married relationship. But perhaps it’s just a case of your husband wanting to spend time with you AND his friend and brother? It means a lot to me when my girlfriend is willing to spend time with me and go hang out with my friends, even though I know she’d rather spend time just with me alone.

Certainly talk to him about it though. It’s your anniversary too of course, and you both deserve to spend time alone with each other. The way I read it, it just seems as though he’s excited that he gets to spend time with a friend he hasn’t seen in a while.
 
JLCecilia said:
I think this would be a really fun trip and I know DH would LOVE to go, but he said if we do this trip, we wouldn’t be able to afford our anniversary trip. I told him we have to prioritize time for just the two of us, to which he replied, “We’ll have time for us later.”
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It sounds like the both of you would really enjoy either trip. Well why not enjoy both! If you have to move your anniversary trip to a couple of months later, so what!! Put some planning into both trips as soon as you know the big city trip is a definite. One of the things that my husband got from the self development courses that his work sends their employees to, is the error or trying to micromanage home finances. It makes things that are possible when looked at in the big picture… seem completely out of the question under the microscope.

When I look back after 26 years of building home and family it reminds me of the Sunday before last gospel of the talents. We get so small and afraid of branching out with our dreams that it seems that it turns every little thing into a big issue of the day.

My advice is encourage your husband to put your heads together to find a way to do both… even if it means moving the timetable for either trip around a bit. Think big!
 
JLCecilia said:
DH and I had discussed doing something special for our 10th anniversary next year and I suggested going, just the 2 of us, back to our honeymoon spot a few hours away. He seemed to really like that idea . . .Till a better offer came along. His friend (who lives in a really neat big city) invited us up for a visit and asked to extend the invitiation to my BIL and his wife. I think this would be a really fun trip and I know DH would LOVE to go, but he said if we do this trip, we wouldn’t be able to afford our anniversary trip. I told him we have to prioritize time for just the two of us, to which he replied, “We’ll have time for us later.”

Now, I know he didn’t mean it the way I’m taking it, I know that he’s really just excited to go on a ‘real’ vacation that doesn’t include kids, but I am heartbroken. I know that the compromise would be to carve out a day on our trip just for us and let the other couples know what’s up - I don’t think they would mind. BUT, I know that DH will not do this b/c he doesn’t want to miss a minute with his friend and the big city.

And when DH says later, that pretty much means never. I get that I’m not as much fun to hang out with as his friend and brother. I think there will be hard feelings either way - me feeling slighted out of a chance for alone time if we go on the big city trip or DH feeling resentful for trading out a fun trip for one less fun. I’m just praying that, without any misfortune befalling anyone, that this offer falls through or we just can’t get everyone’s schedules to come together so DH won’t feel as bad about missing out or having to make the tough decision of which trip to choose.
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The husband is the head of the family, and the wife should go along with his ideas on this.
 
JL, you say “I know” a lot in your post. How do you know? Have you talked about this with your husband? What’s wrong with broaching the compromise you suggested, which sounds like a good idea to me? Stewing in silence isn’t going to accomplish anything, and praying for the friend-plan to fall through doesn’t seem to be a healthy way to deal with this. There’s nothig wrong with laying out your preferences; then you and your husband can talk through them and wind up with a situation in which no one feels aggrieved or resentful.
 
Tomdstone said:
The husband is the head of the family, and the wife should go along with his ideas on this.
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Mm, yes, but if you have the wife sullenly going along with what the husband wants, that isn’t good for the marriage.
 
To be fair, he “liked the idea.” This was not you dragging him on a trip he didn’t want. He was looking forward to getting away with you and only you. In his mind, however, there were no plans set in stone.

Also, I wouldn’t be so quick with the “I get that I’m not as much fun to hang out with as his friend and brother.” Your DH did get married, to you! He did like the idea of a second honeymoon. Do not sell yourself short! The issue may be that he assumes that you are nearby and they are far off, and so the schedules seem harder to bring together for the three of them than for the two of you. This is only true, however, if he doesn’t assume that he’ll always have another chance with you. He doesn’t know that.

He said you will “have time for us later.” OK, good. When is “later”? Ask him to set a date, keeping in mind the time it will take to save up again for the trip you want. Remind him that many couples have put off time for the two of them again and again, until they find their lives spent and all their chances gone by. I know a fellow who gave up a chance to climb Mt. St. Helens, because he assumed that lovely peak “is not going anywhere.” Well, you know there is a big hole a square mile wide where that peak used to be, because the whole top of that famed mountain blew off before he ever climbed it again.

Get that date on your calendar, and then go and enjoy this vacation with those other two couples you both hold dear, because that is also a chance that you two will not get every day. It is silly to miss a chance to enjoy a good time because the good times didn’t come in the order you had taught yourself to expect!
 
You can go on a group vacation and extend some time for the “two of you” …maybe when planning you make a special dinner reservation/concert/show. You may also want to arrange a special day for yourself while your husband does his buddy thing (ie spa day).
 
Kurisu35712 said:
For reference, I’m not married, I’m only 21, and thus my perspective is much different, but my hope is that maybe something I can say will help?

Like another poster mentioned, it may just be that your husband is just really excited to see his friend. One thing I’ve noticed with my girlfriend is that she doesn’t seem to understand how important my friends are to me. I’m not saying you don’t, and certainly the expectations are different in a married relationship. But perhaps it’s just a case of your husband wanting to spend time with you AND his friend and brother? It means a lot to me when my girlfriend is willing to spend time with me and go hang out with my friends, even though I know she’d rather spend time just with me alone.

Certainly talk to him about it though. It’s your anniversary too of course, and you both deserve to spend time alone with each other. The way I read it, it just seems as though he’s excited that he gets to spend time with a friend he hasn’t seen in a while.
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While I do agree with your point, friends are important. There are times in life when you have to prioritise especially in a marriage and this means putting your spouse above your friends. An anniversary in my opinion would fit into priority. I would hope if it was your gfs bday but your friends wanted to watch a match or something, you would prioritise your gf. Key here: there is a time & place for everything.

To the OP, it sounds as though you were quite excited about the city yourself. Talk to your husband. Arrange something in the city for just the two of you and plan/put in the diary a later date for your trip to your honeymoon destination. I think communication & preplanning is key here. Arrange Both trips and ensure time to yourself on both.
 
Sunbreak said:
Ha ha ha. Yep, she’s just a mindless slave to do her husband’s bidding. Get real.
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AnnArbor said:
LOL. :rotfl: :rotfl:
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Maine52 said:
Excuse me? :eek: :bigyikes:
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Maine52 said:
:bigyikes:
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AnnArbor said:
I’m assuming the comment to which you are responding was meant as a joke.
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Sadly, it appears from these comments that some Christians no longer believe in the Bible. The New Testament has been around for more than 1500 years and the OT even longer. The Bible is our guide to how to live. So insulting messages about “getting real” and dismissing what the Bible teaches indicates that many Christians are not getting the good news which the Holy Word of God has brought to us. For centuries Christians around the world have relied upon the sacred teachings of Holy Scriptures. Here is what Holy Scripture says:
1 Corinthians 11:3
But I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.
Ephesians 5:24
Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
1 Corinthians 7:34
There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman cares for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married cares for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.

I don’t think a Catholic should throw out and ignore the divinely inspired word of God.
 
Tomdstone said:
Sadly, it appears from these comments that some Christians no longer believe in the Bible. The New Testament has been around for more than 1500 years and the OT even longer. The Bible is our guide to how to live. So insulting messages about “getting real” and dismissing what the Bible teaches indicates that many Christians are not getting the good news which the Holy Word of God has brought to us. For centuries Christians around the world have relied upon the sacred teachings of Holy Scriptures. Here is what Holy Scripture says:
1 Corinthians 11:3
But I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.
Ephesians 5:24
Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
1 Corinthians 7:34
There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman cares for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married cares for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.

I don’t think a Catholic should throw out and ignore the divinely inspired word of God.
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Sorry, no offense intended. I really did assume you were joking.
I have recently noticed an odd focus in some Catholic circles on the idea of wifely submission. It often accompanies a conversion from evangelical Protestantism.
It is not something that is a big focus in Catholic marriage–for example, there is no ‘giving away’ of a bride by her father, nor any promise to obey in the vows.

Regarding the Scriptures you quoted, I could also point to passages that condemn eating bacon and shrimp, or mixing linen and wool, or enjoying a cheeseburger. Others appear to condone ownership of slaves. Some teachings evolve. Maleness does not automatically convey authority–my husband and I are equal partners; neither of us would presume a right to final say in decision making based on sex.
 
AnnArbor said:
Sorry, no offense intended. I really did assume you were joking.
I have recently noticed an odd focus in some Catholic circles on the idea of wifely submission. It often accompanies a conversion from evangelical Protestantism.
It is not something that is a big focus in Catholic marriage–for example, there is no ‘giving away’ of a bride by her father, nor any promise to obey in the vows.

Regarding the Scriptures you quoted, I could also point to passages that condemn eating bacon and shrimp, or mixing linen and wool, or enjoying a cheeseburger. Others appear to condone ownership of slaves. Some teachings evolve. Maleness does not automatically convey authority–my husband and I are equal partners; neither of us would presume a right to final say in decision making based on sex.
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There are also passages in Scripture which say that it is an abomination for a man to lie with a man, and this is ignored by proponents of SS marriage. Similarly, people ignore things like: Thou shalt not commit adultery. The reasoning is that no one was hurt, because it was done in secret. I suppose that you can always find reasons to ignore things in Scripture which apply to your particular case.
 
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