Husband shoved teen daughter. Help me heal

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I think that’s the thing too? When something happens suddenly emotions are very high ,it’s all very dramatic…then it settles and we can look at it more clearly? Reacting right after when emotions are flying around isn’t the best time to think it all out logically.
 
babochka said:
I think there are a lot of strong reactions on this thread that come from our own experiences. Personally, I think asking him to move out would be an extreme overreaction that would be detrimental to family healing, based on what the OP has told us. Certainly, this wasn’t optimal parenting. Self-reflection is needed. Forgiveness is needed. Stress reduction is needed. Family counseling and/or parenting classes might be in order, depending on the whole family dynamic. Parenting a teenager (particularly a more challenging one) is a whole new ballgame and many people would benefit from support and constructive ideas. Anger management might be called for if this is an ongoing problem.

The idea that this requires law enforcement or CPS involvement is a little out there. Based on what was described by the OP, this is not abusive as defined by state law in my state, where I worked as a social worker for CPS for many years. After an extremely stressful investigation (that might be more than anybody was asking for), the most that would happen is a voluntary referral to community support services, such as parenting classes.
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100% agree with this. Maybe those calling for legal intervention have never spent more than a day or two with a teenager, let alone parented one. From the information the OP gave us, the daughter asked for permission to go somewhere and was told no. She asked again and was told no a second time, apparently got mouthy and dad decided to take her phone. She refused and dad then had to physically take it from her. She starts to fight for it. Dad reacts. Daughter is a smart mouthy brat who needs to be taught who is in charge, not unlike many teens that age.

OP - Have a talk with your husband, letting him know how this upset you. Work on forgiveness and trust the relationship between father & daughter, if they are ok with each other, go with it.
 
MarthaSo said:
Our son just left for the military and we miss him
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There is no excuse for violence, but there are many triggers. Having feelings of loss, fear, etc. can trigger dyscontrol. There is a more functional way of dealing with these feelings besides falling into physical force and scaring the rest of the family.
 
Back in the 70s I was a teen and got into an argument with my father, who hit me. I responded by decking him. It was a bad time that eventually led to my parents divorce. I didn’t speak to my father for nearly 18 months after that. I went away to college, and had joined a Christian group (mixed Protestant and Catholic) at my school. I was Protestant at the time, but had found my faith during that time. My next visit home, I started speaking to my dad again, having forgiven him. But it was too late to help my parents marriage and they split up. I told him he needed to turn back to Christ to straighten out his life. Fortunately he did. The change in him was remarkable. He had been raised Baptist, but never went to church that I saw until after this incident: I truly believe he made his peace with God. Even though your husband may be a practicing Catholic and active in the parish, maybe something is not right in his relationship with God. Based on your story, I doubt he’s likely to repeat the incident. But maybe start a regular family prayer time if you don’t already have one. Help him refocus on his faith, along with you and your daughter. He can find peace again from whatever caused the physical response to the incident. God Bless!!
 
Thank you so much, he said he wanted to ask the priest for a referral for an anger management class since I mentioned it instead of just looking one up randomly. That was bold of you to tell your father to find Christ, and how blessed that it worked! I’m sorry about their breakup, may God bless them and you and your family. Thanks again for sharing.
 
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1ke said:
This sort of message to your daughter can set her up to be vulnerable to an abusive boyfriend or spouse.
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I agree with your entire post, but this part especially. A father is the example of man to his daughter. If her future husband did this to her it would be abusive. Dad shouldn’t get a pass.
 
As an aside, I think the anger management course might benefit him not because I think he will react this way again because I honestly believe he will not. (We had a small discussion moments ago where he said he went in front of the Blessed Sacrament and promised God he would not react the same way again…which doesn’t mean he won’t discipline her again or even have to snatch a phone away if necessary but never in that manner). He works 2 jobs, new baby on the way in 3 months, he wants to finish his real estate course to earn even more out of his concern over financial security and our son just left so I know he’s under stress, I wish I knew how I could help him, I too have the same stresses and yet I don’t really get the feeling of anger at people, more like situations at work for example.
 
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@MarthaSo: All three of you need to be involved in reconciliation. Short-term family counseling might be a good way of getting beyond this incident. The counselor can be an impartial arbiter. The best outcome would be a happy family, with everyone on the same page and with new boundaries in place. Some serious work lay ahead. But it can happen with faith and good will.

Here’s my prayer for you:

Prayer for Family

Heavenly Father,
Please shine Your light upon this family. Give them
the strength to overcome the difficulties that they are
dealing with now. Protect them against all problems
they may encounter in the future. O Lord, please bring
them together as they are meant to be. May the love
that binds them grow stronger as they fulfill the destiny
You have laid out for them.

Grant this family forgiveness for any sins they have
committed. May they also forgive one another. We ask
this through Christ Our Lord, amen.
 
Wow thank you so much for that beautiful prayer. Thank you also for your advice.
 
Men react differently to sadness than us ladies tend to. Compounded with stress, sadness often comes out as a short fuse in men. To many men it feels like a weakness to admit loss (your son leaving) makes them sad. The grieving process looks different in different people and it is ok to grieve your son leaving. Even when we are proud of them and happy for them, it is a loss for us. A new baby late in life also is a source of grief, even in our joy! I completely understand that because my two babies are late in life (husband is retired Army! We had plans…God had plans too). If I recall correctly, you had some pregnancy worries health wise with baby as well. It is ok to grieve along side of the joy. Laughter through tears are a way of life in these circumstances for some of us. Men grieve differently.

As a military wife to a military mom, thank you for loaning your son to the service of our nation. And thank you for your service as well. Your son couldn’t do this without you, your husband, and your other children to support him. May God bless your sweet family and keep your boy safe. I will pray for you all.

Please try to let go of the disappointment your husband caused. He seems to be a good man who made a bad choice. None of us are immune to that, even if it is different bad choices.

Teenage daughters. Even the very good ones are trial. Boys are not a picnic either. Hold on just a little longer. When it’s over, we miss it. At least I do.
 
Gosh, you made me cry. Thank you. For your wisdom, encouragement, your kindness and prayers. What a beautiful soul you have. And may God bless your precious family. How blessed they are to have you.
 
This is not an area in which I should be giving advice, but I can promise I’ll be praying for you tonight and for a while.
God bless you and your household. I’m terribly sorry for what’s happened.
 
Your prayers are a blessing to me and my family, thank you and may God bless you and your family.
 
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