Husband shoved teen daughter. Help me heal

[therese1998]

The thing is, he’s the adult. He’s the one who should be calm and not lose control so badly he ends up hurting her, whether deliberately or not. As you say, physical violence is never okay.

Yes, he’s the adult, but she’s the child and she needs to learn that her actions can lead to someone else’s anger. And in the real world, inciting someone to anger is never predictable. Anger is never an excuse for violence, but a prudent parent would take this opportunity to point out she was, deliberately, inciting anger with her actions.

but I still see him grabbing her face.

Okay, I understand very much that this is your child and was traumatic for you, but it was (as I gather from your post, correct me if I’m wrong), a one time thing. Are there other episodes of violence in the house or in your own life that make you fearful of it? I only ask because your response seems similar to post traumatic reaction (but doesn’t have to be, obviously). You don’t have to answer that in a public forum, but if past trauma has happened, just consider that you may need to get some counseling and, while the current situation was surely upsetting enough, there may be more to your reaction that just this incident.

It’s a lesson learned for him and even though he was wrong it’s a lesson for my teen not to push people when she sees they’re on edge and to try to control her impulsiveness as well.

So, once the trauma is dealt with, it will hopefully be one of those situations where we see God bring good out of even a wrong and sinful situation. I pray for that for you!

I can’t get past him shouting at your daughter, calling her an idiot, a brat, and verbally abusing her, much less physically assaulting her.

No doubt he was wrong, but if OP over-reacts to this, it is likely to cause additional and unnecessary drama. You should ALWAYS take violence seriously and pro-actively, but berating her husband and leading him to believe she thinks he is a monster and presenting this as an un-nuanced act of random violence is a. completely not helpful b. potentially very damaging to their marriage and c. set up a very emotional conflict within her daughter as her daughter knows that this was not simply a random incident and that she had a part to play. Even her mother said as much and ignoring that is not good for either father or daughter. One thing I really know from working with traumatized children and family conflict is that an over reaction can be damaging as well as an under-reaction.

 

[ColorMomma]

Wow. He’s abusive to her and now they will be closer? Just wow. I don’t think you should be giving parental advice.

 

[therese1998]

This sort of message to your daughter can set her up to be vulnerable to an abusive boyfriend or spouse.

And over-reaction could cause her to become unable to form stable relationships because she cannot honestly and intentionally acknowledge her own wrong doing. Pushing others closer and closer to the edge and expecting their punishment while not acknowledging your own wrong-doing does not make for a healthy relationship or psyche.

saying “I’m sorry” is all it takes?

Nobody said that.

This is not normal, not acceptable, ever.

Actually, sadly, you’re wrong. There are not terribly many families where a child, particularly a teenager, has mouthed off and the response was inappropriate, even physical. It is not acceptable, but it is understandable. If you’ve never been truly angry enough to WANT to hit your child, then I suggest you had a fairly docile child. Parent-shaming is also not helpful.

 

[MarthaSo]

That does not translate.

 

[MarthaSo]

Very insightful, thank you for your participation here. God bless.

 

[MarthaSo]

Thank you!

 

[therese1998]

Wow. He’s abusive to her and now they will be closer? Just wow. I don’t think you should be giving parental advice.

Nobody said they are closer BECAUSE he grabbed her face and unintentionally pushed her, which makes the label of abusive a little over the top. If they become closer, and I truly pray they do, it will be because they have the shared experience of forgiving each other and treating each other with agape love. This brings them closer to Christ and to each other. No need to twist it to something perverted.

 

[therese1998]

You are more than welcome. Take a deep breath, do something good for you and let the healing time begin. God bless you all.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Your dad “called me names” and “never even apologized”. Calling names is verbal, emotional abuse. It seems that you were raised to think that was okay, assuming your parents never sought counseling or mediation to change this behavior.

You say that you have a “great relationship” without any apology for such behavior.

I am so sorry that happened to you. Praying that you can find some healing and that you can stop the cycle.

 

[blackforest]

You daughter needs counseling, call tomorrow. Do you want her to grow up thinking that this is okay, that if her future boyfriend or husband gets physically violent with her, saying “I’m sorry” is all it takes?

Agreed. The core question to ask is whether or not we’d want our daughters to be treated this way by their husbands and boyfriends.

 

[MarthaSo]

Thank you for that explanation, it’s what i sensed but could not really express.

 

[MarthaSo]

I don’t really see a cycle. This is the first time in 20 years he’s done this.

 

[ColorMomma]

Not making this perverted. I indeed hope they find healing. But physical altercation is abuse and he is the older, more mature party and should know better. I don’t think Seagull’s conclusion is a natural one. There is damage here that does need intervention for healing to occur.

 

[ColorMomma]

Yes!!! I wouldn’t.

 

[TheLittleLady]

The cycle is parent does this to child, child sees this as acceptable behaviour and is more likely to date/marry someone who has the same tendency, and when they have children those children grow up to see this as acceptable behaviour, they date/marry someone who tends to the same behaviour, etc.

Last post, prayers for healing.

 

[WingsOfEagles]

Martha:

First, let me say I am so sorry that you, your daughter, and your little girl or boy within you had to go through that. You all have been traumatized.

I would advise you to have him leave the house for awhile. I know your daughter doesn’t want to get law enforcement involved, so this is an alternative. He should learn there are consequences to his actions, so making him leave the home for awhile is a way to do that (without going through the legal channels). If you are thinking about going through legal channels, but are unsure of what the result may be on him and you and your daughter, I would call your local city or county prosecutor who handles domestic violence (or misdemeanor child abuse, if that is a charge in your state). The prosecutor can let you know what to expect if you wanted to file charges. (I’m saying all this from my experience as a prosecutor.)

I would also advise you ask him to be placed in anger management (whether this goes to court or not). All three of you will also probably need therapy together to move past this. You and your daughter will, more than likely, have residual trust issues and fears that he may do this again, so this needs to be addressed.

I also concur with someone else said; since this appears out of the norm with your husband’s usual behavior, he needs to get checked out by a medical doctor. My husband also engaged in odd behavior one time, and the next day he was admitted to the ICU for sepsis (which can alter brain function).

Thinking of you, your daughter, your little one, and your husband. Peace be with you all.

I think after 20 years of trustworthy marriage, he doesn’t need to leave the house or have charges brought against him. That seems like an overreaction. A one time event will hardly scar the daugther, especially when she knows she caused a lot of the problem with her actions.

 

[MarthaSo]

Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I’m not sure getting called stupid growing up because i frankly did stupid things that endangered my family has any relation to forgiveness and healing while in the same roof for this one time event 30 years later. If I weren’t so tired I’d try to piece it together but for now, thank you for your prayers.

 

[AdamP88]

I’m probably going to have an unpopular opinion here. As a teen girl, I got into some pretty heated arguments with my father at times. Not that physical violence is ever okay, but there is a line there where it perhaps wasn’t too bad and probably a fluke from her escalating the situation. I even question if her saying she wanted to give you a hug was a manipulative way to get out of the fight. She wanted her own way and wasn’t getting it. To hold onto her phone to that degree is partially her own fault if she got hurt. He probably lost his temper a bit pushing past her, but it doesn’t really sound like he intentionally slammed her into a wall.

I’d have to agree with this. It doesn’t sound like he meant to seriously hurt her.
Maybe you should discuss it with him and come up with a strategy for dealing with your daughters behaviour together.

 

[MarthaSo]

Thanks Adam, she’s a great kid but I have much more patience with her sassyness and moodiness. In fact, yesterday was the first time I ever heard her curse. He provoked her by extending his no into a long discourse of why she can’t go, these people might drink, we don’t know them while yelling and she provoked him I suppose by continuing to back talk and follow him everywhere probably to get her phone back which i didn’t realize until he mentioned it later. Maybe i’m gullible . It’s like a blur now almost , all the yelling and screaming, and I don’t want to remember it anymore. Thanks again for your (name removed by moderator)ut.

 

[AdamP88]

Perhaps agree with your husband on one approach to take with her. I think it’s important that your daughter not view you as divided and that she knows that she can’t play you off against each other.