Husband shoved teen daughter. Help me heal

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WingsOfEagles said:
I’m probably going to have an unpopular opinion here. As a teen girl, I got into some pretty heated arguments with my father at times. Not that physical violence is ever okay, but there is a line there where it perhaps wasn’t too bad and probably a fluke from her escalating the situation. I even question if her saying she wanted to give you a hug was a manipulative way to get out of the fight. She wanted her own way and wasn’t getting it. To hold onto her phone to that degree is partially her own fault if she got hurt. He probably lost his temper a bit pushing past her, but it doesn’t really sound like he intentionally slammed her into a wall.
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The thing is, he’s the adult. He’s the one who should be calm and not lose control so badly he ends up hurting her, whether deliberately or not. As you say, physical violence is never okay.
MarthaSo said:
Thank you. My daughter just entered the room i’m resting in, she said he apologized to her again, they hugged and he said he’s going to get her phone fixed. I’m glad they’re ok, but I still see him grabbing her face.
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Okay, that’s good. I suggest counseling for you all, and talk to a Priest as well. He needs to ensure this isn’t ever going to happen again.
 
Thank you, I told him he’s the adult too and I know he gets it. It’s a lesson learned for him and even though he was wrong it’s a lesson for my teen not to push people when she sees they’re on edge and to try to control her impulsiveness as well.
 
You all might try family and individual counseling. It sounds like you’re going through a lot, and having a teenager is difficult as you all cope with the in-betweeenness of childhood and adulthood.
 
I am so sorry. I would recommend some good family counseling. It sounds like this was a breaking point and other issues are also in play. God bless.
 
MarthaSo said:
Thank you, I told him he’s the adult too and I know he gets it. It’s a lesson learned for him and even though he was wrong it’s a lesson for my teen not to push people when she sees they’re on edge and to try to control her impulsiveness as well.
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Your story takes me back about 6 years when my husband and 20 year old son were involved in what was a regrettable but once only thing that took me a while to get over. There’s often one child that pushes you to beyond your limits even for a mild parent. My husband also has a quick fuse loses his temper but had never laid a finger on myself or the kids or anyone ever for that matter. In a fit my son punched his father in the face and my husband swung back. It was spontaneous but as you noted, my husband still had a measure of control. It was my husband who ended up with a black eye which he had to explain away at work. My son didn’t have an injury. But it kind of shook them both up and never happened again. My son is now 26, working hard, is happy and gentle and life is good. He and his father who are alike often have long talks about politics and computers now. Time heals. Praying for you all in this trying period.

Edit: I forgot to mention that we sought help after the incident. My husband went to a tough love course for 6 weeks and I went to a Catholic counsellor for a while. Everything helps to throw light on what can happen and why and to move forward in a better way.
 
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Wow, how traumatizing for everyone! I completely understand your upset. Violence is not in His will and so, it is always shocking and traumatizing to those who DO follow His will.

So, what your husband has done is not acceptable and needs to be addressed. No question. Anger management counseling sounds appropriate.

Having said that, however, I also say this: He did not batter her, use a weapon on her or threaten her with one. It is not a repeated occurrence. (I assume from your post, anyway)

Being angry CAN be okay. And while your daughter will NEVER deserve violence against her, it is not okay to mouth off to your parent or to sass them and it is irritating to repeatedly ask for something which has already been deemed a “no”. Moping and sulking are incredibly irritating as well. If your husband has any other stressors as well, I can totally see why he would become angry with your daughter. Again, it’s never an excuse for violence, but your daughter was not innocent in this; she was not just sitting there and suddenly your husband grabbed her face, pushed her and called her names out of the blue. She needs to know that she is never at fault for violence, but I would say she had a part in the anger that preceeded it.

How you respond to this will be watched and internalized by your daughter. If you had forced her to go to the doctor or ER while connecting it with punishment for her father, it could be quite traumatizing. (BTW, having worked with kids and, indirectly with the police and DYFS for many years, a single incident that was scary but left few marks or lasting physical damages would be unlikely to result in punishment for your husband other than humiliation, which has inconsistent remediative success, but I digress). If she is dizzy, her pupils are dilated, she loses consciousness, sees spots or other disordered vision signs, or throws up, then the potential danger of a head injury would necessitate that trauma. But otherwise, basic first aid, comfort, and to be left alone by the offending parent at her discretion will be fine. If you believe that you or she are in immediate danger of being battered or killed, then you need to leave, regardless. However, if this is unusual behavior and your husband has both apologized and well as committed to change, then forcing her to live apart from him for more than the short term, could be more harmful to your daughter’s emotional health than staying and working it out. Calm, measured answers to her questions and assurances that the situation is past and handled, not ignored will help all of you to heal, if it’s possible for you. I am very emotional and it would be difficult for me not to just bolt or rage and I completely understand if that is what you want to do.

I hope this helps. It will take time and love and His grace to move on. But it sounds like you have all three. :hugs:
 
MarthaSo said:
I can’t get passed him grabbing her head and face and shoving her around out of my mind ever.
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I can’t get past him shouting at your daughter, calling her an idiot, a brat, and verbally abusing her, much less physically assaulting her.

He needs confession, anger management, and parenting classes, STAT. And mandatory family counseling.

If I were you I’d demand this and not take no for an answer. If you think it is only the physical abuse that is harming your daughter, you are mistaken. You need to protect her from this damaging verbal abuse and his aggressive behavior— bursting into her room, grabbing her phone, physically wrestling with her.
 
MarthaSo said:
It’s a lesson learned for him
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I don’t think it is. You said he’s had anger problems your entire marriage. Why have you not addressed this for 20 years?

This sort of verbal and physical aggresiveness is just terrible parenting.
MarthaSo said:
it’s a lesson for my teen not to push people when she sees they’re on edge
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I suggest you not send this message to your daughter. He is an ADULT and she is a CHILD. This is NOT her fault for “pushing him”. This is his fault for being unable to control his adult self.

This sort of message to your daughter can set her up to be vulnerable to an abusive boyfriend or spouse. The abuser is always quick to tell the abused person it is their fault, and if she believes this she can internalize the message that she deserves to be hit because she is at fault for his behavior. NO!
 
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1ke:
I don’t think it is. You said he’s had anger problems your entire marriage. Why have you not addressed this for 20 years?

This sort of verbal and physical aggresiveness is just terrible parenting.

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She said he’s always had a short fuse where he gets agitated. We aren’t there and don’t know what this means exactly. Becoming a bit irritated and not having a lot of patience doesn’t necessarily mean it’s normally a huge problem. I agree he should control himself, but teenagers can also push one to the edge. It’s sound like a teen/parent fight where they both got into it. She was likely shouting mouthy things at him too.
 
WingsOfEagles said:
teenagers can also push one to the edge. It’s sound like a teen/parent fight where they both got into it. She was likely shouting mouthy things at him too.
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Which in no way excuses the “short fuse” that manifested itself as him shouting and calling her an idiot among other names, bursting into her room and getting into a physical power struggle over her phone.

Having a “short fuse” is no excuse for parenting a child in that manner. It leads me to believe this sort of verbal outburst is not a one time event. I could be wrong, but that sort of thing doesn’t come out of nowhere.
 
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Thank you for sharing your experience. I appreciate hearing from you. God bless you and your family.
 
1ke said:
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WingsOfEagles:
teenagers can also push one to the edge. It’s sound like a teen/parent fight where they both got into it. She was likely shouting mouthy things at him too.
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Which in no way excuses the “short fuse” that manifested itself as him shouting and calling her an idiot among other names, bursting into her room and getting into a physical power struggle over her phone.

Having a “short fuse” is no excuse for parenting a child in that manner. It leads me to believe this sort of verbal outburst is not a one time event. I could be wrong, but that sort of thing doesn’t come out of nowhere.
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The fact that she held onto the phone and refused to give it to him tells me she is not particularly afraid of him.
 
You daughter needs counseling, call tomorrow. Do you want her to grow up thinking that this is okay, that if her future boyfriend or husband gets physically violent with her, saying “I’m sorry” is all it takes?

Everyone in your family needs counseling.

This is not normal, not acceptable, ever. I don’t care how stressed, it is never okay to physically attach your children, let alone for a daughter by her father.

Prayers, please, find help.
 
WingsOfEagles said:
The fact that she held onto the phone and refused to give it to him tells me she is not particularly afraid of him.
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Which, I don’t think is really the central point here.

An anger-infused parenting style where the parent calls the child names and verbally berates them creates lasting damage to that child. And certainly doesn’t befit a Catholic home.

She’s a mouthy teenager— hmmm wonder where she learned to lash out verbally when she gets angry or frustrated?
 
Totally a one time event for them. Growing up though my dad called me names a lot and never even apologized and we’re a great relationship now.
 
MarthaSo said:
Growing up though my dad called me names a lot and never even apologized and we’re a great relationship now.
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So, you learned that this sort of verbal abuse was normal and okay.

Please, end the cycle now.
 
1ke said:
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WingsOfEagles:
The fact that she held onto the phone and refused to give it to him tells me she is not particularly afraid of him.
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Which, I don’t think is really the central point here.

An anger-infused parenting style where the parent calls the child names and verbally berates them creates lasting damage to that child. And certainly doesn’t befit a Catholic home.

She’s a mouthy teenager— hmmm wonder where she learned to lash out verbally when she gets angry or frustrated?
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A one time event is hardly “an anger-infused parenting style”. Teenagers can be mouthy and lash out/be difficult simply because they are exercising their need to be independent.
 
I do appreciate where you’re coming from but mouthy teenagers can be very common irrespective of how parents parent.This was a one time event which I’ve made clear in my initial post. Frankly i’ve had worse growing up. My daughter at this very moment is laughing hysterically while playing a game with her friends. I think I have to go with my gut here and many folks here I feel have the situation a bit closer to the way it actually is. Again, I appreciate your (name removed by moderator)ut I just don’t think it’s whole. Thank you though. I will continue to pray on it.
 
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