Husband shoved teen daughter. Help me heal

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Cruciferi said:
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MarthaSo:
In the 20 years we’ve been married he’s never been violent to me or children at all
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Then this is very unusual behavior. Maybe he should be seen by a Doctor and evaluated?
MarthaSo said:
It seems like a one off bizarre experience that’s baffling.
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He needs to be evaluated mentally and physically. Underlying health issues can change behavior and increase stress.
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This.
My first thoughts were there could be other issues going on with your husband.
Yes, while conflict is common with teenagers, loosing self control and physically hurting isn’t normal and shouldn’t be tolerated.
I’ll pray that your family can seek some help and that it never repeats ,for forgiveness and healing x
 
OP you are all in my prayers. If he lays a hand on her again or gets up in her face I would have a place lined up you can go to get away
 
StJemma said:
I also concur with someone else said; since this appears out of the norm with your husband’s usual behavior, he needs to get checked out by a medical doctor. My husband also engaged in odd behavior one time, and the next day he was admitted to the ICU for sepsis (which can alter brain function).
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This, believe it or not, is exactly what happened with my husband. He is the most mild mannered man ever, and one day he was just plain mean to everyone. He and I ended up fighting horribly in front of our kids because he was just being hateful to them. The next day he was admitted to the hospital, ended up in ICU for a week for sepsis, and had to have emergency surgery when the drs were finally able to locate where his infection was coming from (an abscess on his kidney).

I would just say more likely your husband is stressed to the max and his daughter knows how to push his buttons. But do keep an eye on his health. Men don’t always tell us when they are not feeling well.
 
halogirl said:
OP you are all in my prayers. If he lays a hand on her again or gets up in her face I would have a place lined up you can go to get away
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This is hardly helpful. Certainly a bit premature. I get the impression he’s not generally a violent person and in fairness he’s probably upset about it himself.

It’s only communication between the OP and her husband that will bring this to a resolution.
 
I am sorry but I followed my conscience here. I hope this never happens again but I would not be doing the right thing if didn’t suggest the lady have something in place for the safety of all. Once is once too many
 
You are coming at this from a very different place to me then. I don’t want to further discuss the ins and outs of the OPs situation, I have suggested what I feel would benefit and I’m muting the thread
 
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That’s fine. I just think that if this is the first time and it’s a one off he’s hardly a domestic abuser and you shouldn’t advise the OP to treat him as one at this point.
 
That’s not what I said though. I have simply advised her to get herself and her children to safety should this happen again.
 
MarthaSo said:
Thank you, I do feel safe actually with him at home as strange as that sounds.
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If this is a true “one off” situation, you must make clear to your husband that it is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. If it happens again, even once, call the police, because it will only get worse if you do not nip it in the bud. I’ve seen this happen far too often. Start thinking about potential places for you and your children to stay (parents, friends, etc). Your husband must hold himself accountable, and should strongly consider counseling. You and children might seek counseling as well.
 
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AdamP88 said:
I got a few whacks from my dad when I was a bratty teenager. It’s hardly domestic violence.
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Me too Adam,which I am grateful for funny enough.
But my dad never lost self control.I was one of ten and I could push buttons and tease :roll_eyes:😔
Working with my dad at that age he gave me good talks on self control.
 
Well he did have something similar with my son when my son was her same age almost 4 years ago. He yanked the phone from him while my son was holding on for dear life and his shirt ripped as a consequence. I just remembered that. edit-But it just seemed like my son deserved that because he refused to give up his phone while being told to.
 
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I think there are a lot of strong reactions on this thread that come from our own experiences. Personally, I think asking him to move out would be an extreme overreaction that would be detrimental to family healing, based on what the OP has told us. Certainly, this wasn’t optimal parenting. Self-reflection is needed. Forgiveness is needed. Stress reduction is needed. Family counseling and/or parenting classes might be in order, depending on the whole family dynamic. Parenting a teenager (particularly a more challenging one) is a whole new ballgame and many people would benefit from support and constructive ideas. Anger management might be called for if this is an ongoing problem.

The idea that this requires law enforcement or CPS involvement is a little out there. Based on what was described by the OP, this is not abusive as defined by state law in my state, where I worked as a social worker for CPS for many years. After an extremely stressful investigation (that might be more than anybody was asking for), the most that would happen is a voluntary referral to community support services, such as parenting classes.

@MarthaSo, I will pray for you and your family. Parenting is tough. I have two teenagers and a bunch of little ones. One of my teenagers is a breeze, the other brings out emotions and anger in me and my extremely calm husband that neither of us ever imagined that we would struggle with. God’s healing, especially through the sacrament of Reconciliation is there for your husband and for your daughter. (I’m not saying that your daughter deserved this response, but it seems that she was not without sin in the situation.)

I highly recommend the book Overcoming Sinful Anger. Overcoming Sinful Anger | Sophia Institute Press
 
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God bless you and thank you so much for your thoughtful and encouraging response.❤️
 
Again, nobody is saying healing isn’t needed. IMO, and I understand if it’s not yours, it is pretty harsh to smack down someone as unworthy of giving parental advice because you don’t agree with their interpretation of a situation where neither of you were present.
 
Seagull said:
20 years - without incident ?
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By the time of the incident between my husband and son, we had been married for 24 years. Been married 31 now and that remains the single extreme incident to this day. God can test even the best parents with one child that relentlessly defies you and disrespects you and taunts you until in a weak moment, you snap. I think both in Martha and my situation we could recognise that even in the snap, our husbands were still controlled, by the grace of God.
 
That’s so true and beautifully stated thank you. It’s so strange though how her sassiness and moodiness don’t bother me a lot. I wonder sometimes if I’m taking the lazy way out of parenting since my husband is stricter in general in work ethic and at home and I’m basically a flower child. I’m not good with discipline at all and I think I’ve just come to realize that. Ever so often he’ll come to me and say “you should talk to her about this or that” and I’ve always sensed that it his way of saying I’m not strict enough. He may be right but I see things like, she’s a sweet girl, not doing drugs, not out there doing terrible things so I tend to be lax. The only problem we have with her is her ever messy room and her math grades. But the moodiness amplifies matters. I appreciate all of you, your kindness in your posts has allowed me to see this side and perhaps that adds to his tension/stress.
 
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@MarthaSo, it sounds like your family has a lot of love and goodness. I pray that your family may have comfort, healing, reconciliation, and peace.

💖
 
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