Husband wants a divorce - Update

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I started a thread just over a month ago about this. One morning my husband told me he is leaving, out of the blue. It was a terrible shock and I immediately went to CAF for advice and prayers. Thank you all who have been thinking of me and praying for me. I just want to continue with an update.

A few days ago I returned from Europe, where I spent 2 weeks with my children in my home country. He was here in Malaysia during that time. He phoned us almost every day but we did not talk about us. We talked about the children and our time there in general terms. I did not know what to expect upon my return here. I spoke with my FIL over the phone while I was away, who told me about a conversation he had with my husband. They spoke about our marriage and why my husband wanted to leave, and mostly about the children. My FIL told my husband he would be a symbolic, far away father if he left. He asked him some hard questions and made him think about the consequences of his move in very real terms.

That was just over 2 weeks ago and my husband has been here without us. I hoped that he would miss us and change his mind. Has not changed his mind. He has not budged at all. He said he doesn’t know what he wants from his future, but he knows he doesn’t want me. He said that I can do nothing to change his mind. He said he doesn’t want to fix things in our marriage because he wants out, end of story. As for the children, he believes that he can be a good father to the two, despite them growing up without him and them not remembering him living with us. (We have a baby and a toddler). He realises that for the next year and a half he will not be able to see them more than once a year while he is still working in Malaysia and we go back to Europe. (He has very little holiday time that is concentrated in one particular month. The rest are public holidays during which he can’t make long distance journeys.) He thinks that he can be a good father even if their relationship is based on talking on skype and meeting up few times a year, after he returns to Europe. (we would not be living in the same country.) He told me that he will miss them like crazy but that him leaving is for the best. He told me that if I meet another man and he becomes their stepfatrher, he will be very envious of him. He seems at peace with his decision as well as with the consequences that he will suffer. He seems happy to accept guilt and loss, without even trying to save our marriage and our family. All of this sounds absolutely insane to me.

He still claims there is not another woman involved. I find the whole thing very bizarre and cannot understand it: he is leaving his babies. I spoke to my FIL a couple of hours ago, told him all of the mentioned above and he said that his son sounds like a proper idiot and that maybe I am better off without him. As hard as that is, I am starting to believe it. I have no idea how we got into this situation, how I didn’t notice what was going on, that he was miserable to the point of leaving. I never thought he would leave us, never. I thought he loved the kids too much and that he loved me. I told him that nothing in this world could drag me away from my children, and he replied that I am probably a better person than he is. His comments of this type are truly infuriating. How do you talk to someone who uses such answers to anything I say? He has given up, he has made up his mind and there is nothing I can do. He says he cares about me but that he doesn’t love me. He says that I am an interesting, cultured, intelligent person but he can’t relate to me or talk to me about anything except about things relating to the children. He finds me sexually attractive. He can’t think of a single good quality that I have. He is now wondering if he had ever been in love with me, or if he just made it up and convinced himself of being in love. He is wondering if maybe he just wanted a girlfriend and I was there, mildly interested in him but willing to give him a chance. His musings are now making me question everything that has ever happened, our whole history. It was him that pursued me like there was no tomorrow. It was him that talked about marriage and family and was pushing us in that direction. Now he thinks it was all a big mistake. I don’t know what to think.

I have informed myself about the divorce proceedings in basic terms, and will soon find out more. If he leaves our home he cannot file for divorce, according to Malaysian law. I can do it as an adandoned spouse, but not him. It would take at least 5 years for him to be able to do something. My plan at the moment is to stay put and see what happens. I still don’t want this and am ready to fight for our marriage, for our family. I know that I can’t stop him from leaving, but I will not make it easy for him. I still hope that he will change his mind and give us a chance. Maybe I am hoping in vain, but I can’t help it. He still lives with us but has moved into the guest bedroom. Life goes on as usual. He calls during the day to see how we are and if we need anything. He is very caring towards the children and polite towards me. He wants to talk about what happens next over the weekend.

So this is where we are now. I’m managing to keep relatively calm and function somehow. I can’t even cry or panic, I feel completely frozen inside. I still can’t believe this is happening. I wonder if aliens have abducted my dear husband and replaced him with a stranger who behaves and talks like a selfish, immature jerk.

If you have anything to advise, please do. I always appreciate it. Your prayers are also very welcome.

 

[Groo]

What about reducing your availability and the kids’ availability when he is away? Maybe go a week or two without giving him access to you and the kids. In a divorce I would think there would be some split time for the kids between you and he. He would have no right to call and disrupt your time with the kids.

By letting him call every day he gets everything he wants and has no incentive to reconsider. Taking away his ability to call in whenever he likes may be the wake up call he needs.

Just a thought. I hope things work out for your marriage.

 

[bzkoss236]

If you don’t mind me asking, and I’m sorry if you’ve already said it and I happened to have missed it, but exactly why does he want a divorce? Why does he want to leave?

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

If you don’t mind me asking, and I’m sorry if you’ve already said it and I happened to have missed it, but exactly why does he want a divorce? Why does he want to leave?

Because he doesn’t love anymore and claims that us getting married was a huge mistake. He says that by leaving he would fix that mistake. He says we are incompatible and just not right for each other. We started dating 7 years ago and got married 4 years ago. I think that 3 years of dating was enough for him to decide if we were right for each other. It was him who kept talking about marriage and family while we dated, not me. Now he says that he was in denial about his true feelings and that he knew deep down inside he was making a mistake.

I don’t know what to think to be very honest. Perhaps his ideas about love and marriage are naive and idealistic. I was prepared for the things that marriage and young children bring, for the boring, exhausting everyday life, for surviving day by day and feeling distant from your spouse. I believe that we are going through a bad crisis, but he claims this is something else - the reality of our incompatibility and lack of love exploding. He is refusing marriage councelling and is not considering making minimal effort to improve things. He just wants to leave and is determined to do so. This has been going on for a month. It came out of the blue, one morning. He just informed me he was leaving. He now wants to talk about our next step, and I don’t.

 

[bzkoss236]

Because he doesn’t love anymore and claims that us getting married was a huge mistake. He says that by leaving he would fix that mistake. He says we are incompatible and just not right for each other. We started dating 7 years ago and got married 4 years ago. I think that 3 years of dating was enough for him to decide if we were right for each other. It was him who kept talking about marriage and family while we dated, not me. Now he says that he was in denial about his true feelings and that he knew deep down inside he was making a mistake.

I don’t know what to think to be very honest. Perhaps his ideas about love and marriage are naive and idealistic. I was prepared for the things that marriage and young children bring, for the boring, exhausting everyday life, for surviving day by day and feeling distant from your spouse. I believe that we are going through a bad crisis, but he claims this is something else - the reality of our incompatibility and lack of love exploding. He is refusing marriage councelling and is not considering making minimal effort to improve things. He just wants to leave and is determined to do so. This has been going on for a month. It came out of the blue, one morning. He just informed me he was leaving. He now wants to talk about our next step, and I don’t.

I’m sorry to hear that. And sadly familiar as my fiancee’s oldest sister is leaving her husband because she claims that she can’t remember ever having loved him. She claims to have felt this way for a long time. And they adopted 2 boys from a broken home. And she seems to want to create another one for them. These things really sadden me, especially when I’m so close to being married myself. Makes me scared in some ways, though I trust that my fiancee loves me and will never leave me. And I know that I plan to never leave her.

I think I remember your previous thread now. And I think I posted in it. I have little advice to give, but with the sound of it, it seems like there is no chance of reconciling. And regarding his actions, I too feel as if it might be better for you to be away from him considering how he is now. It won’t be easy. You’ve got a long road ahead of you. I pray that you find consolation and happiness. He should have known better. And God bless you.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Because he doesn’t love anymore and claims that us getting married was a huge mistake. He says that by leaving he would fix that mistake. He says we are incompatible and just not right for each other. We started dating 7 years ago and got married 4 years ago. I think that 3 years of dating was enough for him to decide if we were right for each other. It was him who kept talking about marriage and family while we dated, not me. Now he says that he was in denial about his true feelings and that he knew deep down inside he was making a mistake.

I don’t know what to think to be very honest. Perhaps his ideas about love and marriage are naive and idealistic. I was prepared for the things that marriage and young children bring, for the boring, exhausting everyday life, for surviving day by day and feeling distant from your spouse. I believe that we are going through a bad crisis, but he claims this is something else - the reality of our incompatibility and lack of love exploding. He is refusing marriage councelling and is not considering making minimal effort to improve things. He just wants to leave and is determined to do so. This has been going on for a month. It came out of the blue, one morning. He just informed me he was leaving. He now wants to talk about our next step, and I don’t.

Dear Contra Mundum,

I am sorry to hear that things have not changed or improved during your trip to Europe. For some reason, I thought he was going to join you or that he was going to be in England while you were at home - did I misunderstand or did the plans change at some point? Not that it matters. I still believe that your husband has another woman - that he’s comparing you to this exciting new interest and finding you lacking. He’s comparing and looking back, he thinks he never loved you like this. Many people do this when they have an affair. Why else would he say things like “Maybe I never loved you,” if he were not comparing you to someone else? In order to walk away from his kids, he must be pretty invested in the new relationship. He’s kidding himself if he thinks his kids will have any sort of relationship with him at all, other than feeling a deep longing and an equal or stronger resentment toward him. He will leave a hole in their young lives that they will feel for their entire lives, unless you are able to re-marry a man who loves them (not out of the question).

I am still praying for you and your children. Hang in there, and don’t kick him out no matter what. Let him walk out on you - he’s the one who wants out of the marriage. I know it must be deeply painful, like torture, to have him there, day after day, when he only wants out, but you are strong and can do it. If it really is another woman, eventually she will put her foot down and say, “Move out now!” and he will.

Sending my concern as always, along with my prayers.

p.s. I am very glad that your FIL has been a source of support, I love it that he is able to see his son as the “proper idiot” that he is being!

 

[The_Bucket]

spoke to my FIL a couple of hours ago, told him all of the mentioned above and he said that his son sounds like a proper idiot and that maybe I am better off without him.

I can’t provide any advice on this, unfortunately. I went through a bad time with my wife and she left for awhile, but that was a totally different situation and I loved her and our children to death. We reconciled quickly and I’m working hard on myself to be a better husband and father. So I know reconciliation can happen, but both sides have to be willing.

What I can say is that you’re blessed to have the father in law that you do. The fact that he’s taking your side here against his own son is pretty darn remarkable. I’d be sure to allow your children to see HIM as a good role model throughout their lives.

I don’t know if you’re better off without him forever, but you’re better off without him the way that he is now. And frankly, while it’s almost always another woman or man in these situations, I think there is a chance that this might be one where it isn’t. Your husband seems to have convinced himself that the last seven years of his life were a mistake probably simply because they didn’t measure up to his expectations. I know I was naive about married life. I know I didn’t expect both the tumult and mundane experiences that come with this vocation. But I would not trade it for anything. Nothing. Married life has both exceeded and fallen incredibly short of my expectations. It’s been way harder than I expected but it has also come with incredible joy and fulfillment.

All I can offer you are prayers. Prayers for you, your children and your husband who seems to be totally lost in his own world where he either sees himself a failure with no hope for recovery or as someone who thinks he can simply erase parts of his past in order to find a new fantastical future. He’s dead wrong.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

And frankly, while it’s almost always another woman or man in these situations, I think there is a chance that this might be one where it isn’t. Your husband seems to have convinced himself that the last seven years of his life were a mistake probably simply because they didn’t measure up to his expectations.

All I can offer you are prayers. Prayers for you, your children and your husband who seems to be totally lost in his own world where he either sees himself a failure with no hope for recovery or as someone who thinks he can simply erase parts of his past in order to find a new fantastical future. He’s dead wrong.

I am very glad things worked out between you and your wife. People go through all sorts of things and it is important to stick it out. I agree that marriage both surpasses expectations and dissappoints. I think that my husband is both dissappointed in married life and believes that he can erase his past and move on. He sounds like a moody teenager when we speak about our marriage situation, I can’t get much sense out of him. My FIL would completely agree about what you said above about his expectations. He says that my husband always expected much from himself, even unrealistic things, and if he would not achieve them he would get frustrated, dissappointed in himself, even angry. Maybe he did the same with our relationship, because he has told me on several occasions that he always tried so hard to please me and be a good husband and father. I am not an ungrateful, cold hearted woman. I think he had ideas about how things should be and those ideas did not match to our (not so bad) reality.

I really don’t know about the affair, I just don’t. Some days I am sure of it, other times I’m not. I don’t know when it would all happen. He leaves home 10 minutes before he starts work, and returns immediately after he is finished. Most days (even now) he phones after work to see if the kids and I are out so he can join us. His behaviour is as it has always been - caring, loving, responsible, and completely incompatible with his cruel words.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

For some reason, I thought he was going to join you or that he was going to be in England while you were at home - did I misunderstand or did the plans change at some point? Not that it matters. I still believe that your husband has another woman - that he’s comparing you to this exciting new interest and finding you lacking. He’s comparing and looking back, he thinks he never loved you like this. Many people do this when they have an affair. Why else would he say things like “Maybe I never loved you,” if he were not comparing you to someone else? In order to walk away from his kids, he must be pretty invested in the new relationship. He’s kidding himself if he thinks his kids will have any sort of relationship with him at all, other than feeling a deep longing and an equal or stronger resentment toward him. He will leave a hole in their young lives that they will feel for their entire lives, unless you are able to re-marry a man who loves them (not out of the question).

We spent a few days together at a wedding in England, after which I went home for 2 weeks, and he returned here.

As I said at the above post, I really don’t know about the other woman. Maybe. What you say makes complete sense and I agree. But some things don’t add up. I can’t put my finger on it exactly and I guess things will become clear soon.

I will not kick him out because that would allow him to divorce me here. If he wants to go, then he can go and see where that takes him. I am in no rush to get out of this marriage and am still willing to wait and hope.

Thank you so much for the prayers. Will PM you.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I know its cliche but is there any chance that a severe mental disorder could be at play here? Undiagnosed bipolar or severe depression? I kind of disagree with everyone else about the affair thing because at this point after he has told you he wants to leave you have probably looked hard for any explanation, including infidelity. I kind of feel like if he was being unfaithful you would have either found out by now or at least had a strong feeling that there is another woman, but you don’t seem to, and you know the situation far better than we do.

I’m really sorry that you’re going through this. I hope at the very least that your children can have a good relationship with their father. You say that you’ll be living far apart for the next year and a half, but after that is there any chance he’ll be around more for them?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

We spent a few days together at a wedding in England, after which I went home for 2 weeks, and he returned here.

As I said at the above post, I really don’t know about the other woman. Maybe. What you say makes complete sense and I agree. But some things don’t add up. I can’t put my finger on it exactly and I guess things will become clear soon.

I will not kick him out because that would allow him to divorce me here. If he wants to go, then he can go and see where that takes him. I am in no rush to get out of this marriage and am still willing to wait and hope.

Thank you so much for the prayers. Will PM you.

I could be wrong, of course. I don’t know your husband, I only know that when those statements are made, there is usually another person involved. Your husband could be an exception, but I’m not sure which alternative is worse, frankly. The idea that he is doing this because of his own bizarre ideas might be even more troubling than if he were besotted with another woman.

His father must have thought that his son had grown up and matured, and now this. Putting myself in your FIL’s shoes, I would be angry with my son and would be wholly supportive of his wife and children (my grandchildren). I would likely write him out of the will, because no son of mine is going to desert his own children and the wife he took vows with, and still be rewarded with money his dad and I earned. It would be very hard not to shun him entirely. It’s one thing if someone is mentally ill and needs help, and cannot fulfill his responsibilities for a time - it’s another thing entirely to just up and say, “I never loved you after all,” and walk away from a family HE created!!! Despicable. I would be shattered and angry for the children.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

idea that he is doing this because of his own bizarre ideas might be even more troubling than if he were besotted with another woman.

His father must have thought that his son had grown up and matured, and now this. (…)It’s one thing if someone is mentally ill and needs help, and cannot fulfill his responsibilities for a time - it’s another thing entirely to just up and say, “I never loved you after all,” and walk away from a family HE created!!! Despicable. I would be shattered and angry for the children.

I completely agree with the first statement. I think an affair would be a preference at this point, because I doubt that a sane woman would out up with adultery, where the guy can’t divorce his wife. Unless she is in it for fun only. On the other hand, he would get bored eventually.

My FIL is shocked and disguested. He does think this is despicable. When we spoke the other day my husband just got home from work. I asked my FIL if he wanted to speak to him and he said no. We ended the conversation then and will speak again soon. He sounded angry. He has been such a rock. I don’t expect him to cut my husband off but this will surely affect their relationship. My FIL is crazy about the kids (his only grandchildren for now) and will do everything to be in their life and to see them as often as he can.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I know its cliche but is there any chance that a severe mental disorder could be at play here?

(…)

You say that you’ll be living far apart for the next year and a half, but after that is there any chance he’ll be around more for them?

(deep sigh). Yes, it could be the case. I don’t think I should discuss too much on the internet about this topic since it is sensitive, but I have reason to believe that something is maybe going on.

We would end up living in different countries even if/when he returns to Europe. He would see them more often, but not exactly all the time. I do wonder how involved he really would be. 5 mins on the phone every day?

 

[StJudePray4Me]

Dear Contra Mundum,

I am sorry to hear that things have not changed or improved during your trip to Europe. For some reason, I thought he was going to join you or that he was going to be in England while you were at home - did I misunderstand or did the plans change at some point? Not that it matters. I still believe that your husband has another woman - that he’s comparing you to this exciting new interest and finding you lacking. He’s comparing and looking back, he thinks he never loved you like this. Many people do this when they have an affair. Why else would he say things like “Maybe I never loved you,” if he were not comparing you to someone else? In order to walk away from his kids, he must be pretty invested in the new relationship. He’s kidding himself if he thinks his kids will have any sort of relationship with him at all, other than feeling a deep longing and an equal or stronger resentment toward him. He will leave a hole in their young lives that they will feel for their entire lives, unless you are able to re-marry a man who loves them (not out of the question).

I am still praying for you and your children. Hang in there, and don’t kick him out no matter what. Let him walk out on you - he’s the one who wants out of the marriage. I know it must be deeply painful, like torture, to have him there, day after day, when he only wants out, but you are strong and can do it. If it really is another woman, eventually she will put her foot down and say, “Move out now!” and he will.

Sending my concern as always, along with my prayers.

p.s. I am very glad that your FIL has been a source of support, I love it that he is able to see his son as the “proper idiot” that he is being!

Hi there,
I am new to this discussion, but I must say, my knee jerk reaction is to agree with this post. It seems to be very common in a situation where the spouse suddenly and without warning announces that they are done. Refuses counseling, etc.

His remarks about you being a better person seem like a tip off as well. I would not be at all surprised if he is having an affair. Who walks away from a marriage and children they love to go to…no one? Nothing? I can’t see it. Unless your relationship was full of anger and tumult, making it unbearable. Then one might walk away. But without any real problems, to just wake up one day and say “I’m out” doesn’t seem plausible.

I also would ask him if he is gay. Because he keeps denying that there is another woman…well, maybe that’s “technically” true…so ask him, “Well, is there another MAN?”

 

[Serap]

sorry, but he sound like a selfish and pathetic jerk! who does that to his family???

of course marriage gets ‘boring’…same thing day in and day out…kids come along and then there are the financial stresses of raising children and the emotional stresses of caring for children.

he is a selfish man. from the way he sounds, I don’t think he really cares for his kids that much. he is ok with seeing his kids once a year??? what kind of father is that???

hearing this story makes me angry…what a selfish man!

 

[BlueEyedLady]

If there could be a serious mental illness at play here then I’m not sure how culpable he really is or if he is really considering, or even able to consider, the pain of this decision or the long-term consequences. In that case I’m not sure this is a case of selfishness, and if he refuses to be tested, diagnosed, or treated I don’t know what can be done. That also means that even if he could manage a long distance relationship with his kids he may not be in any position to do so. Sad, sad situation.

 

[The_Bucket]

If there could be a serious mental illness at play here then I’m not sure how culpable he really is or if he is really considering, or even able to consider, the pain of this decision or the long-term consequences. In that case I’m not sure this is a case of selfishness, and if he refuses to be tested, diagnosed, or treated I don’t know what can be done. That also means that even if he could manage a long distance relationship with his kids he may not be in any position to do so. Sad, sad situation.

Yeah I agree. The way the OP has put this situation doesn’t sound terribly much like an affair situation. In those cases there tends to be suspicious behavior, weirdness and sometimes even a willingness to try to reconcile. This sounds like the guy just totally lost it for some reason and has absolutely no concept of what he’s doing. The whole “I can be a good, symbolic father from thousands of miles away” is borderline insane. I know guys who commit great sins can convince themselves of a lot, but I have a tough time believing that straightforward adultery can lead to that kind of self-delusion.

I mean, I was full-on addicted to pornography for awhile. I denied that I was addicted and couldn’t tell that everything I said had this very dark and piercing tone. But I did know that I was unnaturally angry and anxious all the time and knew that my wife and kids had done nothing to cause it. It took dramatic action on my wife’s part for me to combat my addiction, but I never blamed her for my crazy behavior. She thought that I did because my anger would be shouted at her but not about her, but I truly was just incensed with myself.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Yeah I agree. The way the OP has put this situation doesn’t sound terribly much like an affair situation. In those cases there tends to be suspicious behavior, weirdness and sometimes even a willingness to try to reconcile. This sounds like the guy just totally lost it for some reason and has absolutely no concept of what he’s doing. The whole “I can be a good, symbolic father from thousands of miles away” is borderline insane. I know guys who commit great sins can convince themselves of a lot, but I have a tough time believing that straightforward adultery can lead to that kind of self-delusion.

Yep. He definitely sounds like he just snapped. I think the best that we can hope for is that somehow he realizes what is going on or that someone can manage to get through to him to bring it to his attention before its too late for his marriage and children.

 

[Lady_Love]

My first gut reaction is “let him go” and don’t make it hard for him. I know that you are hurt and you want to punish him but it will only make things worse.

Whatever your husband is up to or struggling with IS NOT ABOUT YOU! He might make it about you, blame you, say he doesn’t love you etc. but this man doesn’t know what love is. Save yourself a lot of agony and give everything to God. For example:

Dad, I love the man you gave me to be my husband. I do not want him to go. I am scared of raising my children alone, I am angry and I feel unlovable and abandoned. I do not understand why. I don’t know what my future holds and I don’t know how I am going to make it through this. What I do know is that you Father love me and you only will what is best for me and your children. I am confident that you are working in my husband’s soul and mine. I rely on you for everything, I am completely in your hands, if you wish my husband’s return then it will be, if you do not then you have a plan. I commit to letting my husband go and praying for him. If there is anything that needs to change in me, I give you permission to work on me. I know Father that you are all powerful and you have allowed this to happen. Teach me to surrender to your will as Jesus did. I trust you for my every need, I trust you to hold me in my pain, to cry with me, to support me, to defend me, and to fight my battles for me for I am too weak. Your will be done.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Who walks away from a marriage and children they love to go to…no one? Nothing? I can’t see it. Unless your relationship was full of anger and tumult, making it unbearable. Then one might walk away. But without any real problems, to just wake up one day and say “I’m out” doesn’t seem plausible.

I also would ask him if he is gay. Because he keeps denying that there is another woman…well, maybe that’s “technically” true…so ask him, “Well, is there another MAN?”

I agee, it is hard to imagine he wants to be all alone, in a foreign country, no friends to spend time with, only work colleagues. Suspicious.
Our relationship has never been full of anger and tumult. On the contrary even: calm, peaceful, full of mutual support. Very rare arguments.

I asked him if he is gay. he said no and I believe him. The way he is passionate with me can’t be faked.