Husband wants a divorce - Update

[Contra_Mundum_1]

If there could be a serious mental illness at play here then I’m not sure how culpable he really is or if he is really considering, or even able to consider, the pain of this decision or the long-term consequences. In that case I’m not sure this is a case of selfishness, and if he refuses to be tested, diagnosed, or treated I don’t know what can be done. That also means that even if he could manage a long distance relationship with his kids he may not be in any position to do so. Sad, sad situation.

I agree. If there is a problem he is not to blame,and I understand that. I asked him to see a psychologist and he went 10 days ago. He didn’t tell me the details of their meeting, and I didn’t ask, but he suddenly sounded very angry and told me that he would not go back, that he is not crazy, that he does not have problems and that he is just fine, thank you very much. I was surprised by the anger, but not by his refusal. He is very proud of his assumed ability to cope with things. I think he is quite fragile and does not cope well. In any case, I will not know because he refuses to find out the truth. To go back to my FIL again, he completely agrees with me about this as well.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Dad, I love the man you gave me to be my husband. I do not want him to go. I am scared of raising my children alone, I am angry and I feel unlovable and abandoned. I do not understand why. I don’t know what my future holds and I don’t know how I am going to make it through this. What I do know is that you Father love me and you only will what is best for me and your children. I am confident that you are working in my husband’s soul and mine. I rely on you for everything, I am completely in your hands, if you wish my husband’s return then it will be, if you do not then you have a plan. I commit to letting my husband go and praying for him. If there is anything that needs to change in me, I give you permission to work on me. I know Father that you are all powerful and you have allowed this to happen. Teach me to surrender to your will as Jesus did. I trust you for my every need, I trust you to hold me in my pain, to cry with me, to support me, to defend me, and to fight my battles for me for I am too weak. Your will be done.

Thank you.

I do pray that His will is done, and that He gives me strength to deal with whatever comes next. I am very scared but still have a deep down feeling that things will be OK. I agree that this is not about me, the more I think about it. I am aware of my faults and what I could and should have done better in our marriage, but nothing that I have done caused this kind of crazy behaviour, I am certain of that.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

This sounds like the guy just totally lost it for some reason and has absolutely no concept of what he’s doing. The whole “I can be a good, symbolic father from thousands of miles away” is borderline insane. I know guys who commit great sins can convince themselves of a lot, but I have a tough time believing that straightforward adultery can lead to that kind of self-delusion.

The more I discuss this with people and the more I think about it from different perspectives, this is the conclusion I come to. Something is wrong. A sane man would not be ready to abandon the children the way he is planning to. He is loving and caring towards them, but at the same time willing to let them go, be a stranger and see them in a year’s time literally. There is a huge disconnect between this person living with me now and my husband up until a month or so ago. My other theory is that aliens have abducted him and replaced him with a random guy.

The only time that he has displayed remotely similar behaviour was 6 years ago. This was a year into our relationship and we had a crisis, we discussed whether to break up or not. He was weird and cruel (this happened out of the blue as well, I didn’t suspect a thing) and had a couple of surprises up his sleeve and I couldn’t understand him. But this lasted a week and we reconciled. Things were fine after that, he was a model boyfriend, then a model husband. Yes, minor arguments now and then, but nothing major. I wonder if he has been faking it all along? Is that possible? Is it possible even for a person who could be emotionally unstable to a degree?

 

[daisybee]

I really admire your strength and level-headedness in what must be a very difficult time.

Have you had a chance to listen to Fulton Sheen’s homily on marriage crises?

You can listen to the homily by clicking the link directly above the Time magazine image. (The link isn’t very obvious.)

op-stjoseph.org/blog/30th_anniversary_of_death_of_fulton_sheen

Praying for you and yours.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Thank you all for the advice and prayers.

We had a conversation earlier. He is determined “to get it over with” in an efficient way. He said that he knew he was making a mistake 10 months before we got married. I asked him if he is willing to put that on paper and sign his name under it and he said yes. He claims we argued all the time and I wonder if I lived in a parallel universe. I guess we just define arguing in a different way. Apparently I gave him looks all the time that were full of contempt. I am now seriously questioning my own understanding of reality and how we lived.

The way he looks at me is full of hate. My feelings towards this bastard are changing very quickly into absolute disgust. I can’t believe I’ve been living with a lie, with someone who deceived me and pretended he loved me all these years. I just don’t understand why he did it and am grateful it has only been 4 years of marriage, and ‘only’ 2 children. We always talked about more and I now thank God we only have two. What a mess.

Please keep praying, I am so alone.

Thank you.

 

[severus68]

Thank you all for the advice and prayers.

We had a conversation earlier. He is determined “to get it over with” in an efficient way. He said that he knew he was making a mistake 10 months before we got married. I asked him if he is willing to put that on paper and sign his name under it and he said yes. He claims we argued all the time and I wonder if I lived in a parallel universe. I guess we just define arguing in a different way. Apparently I gave him looks all the time that were full of contempt. I am now seriously questioning my own understanding of reality and how we lived.

The way he looks at me is full of hate. My feelings towards this bastard are changing very quickly into absolute disgust. I can’t believe I’ve been living with a lie, with someone who deceived me and pretended he loved me all these years. I just don’t understand why he did it and am grateful it has only been 4 years of marriage, and ‘only’ 2 children. We always talked about more and I now thank God we only have two. What a mess.

Please keep praying, I am so alone.

Thank you.

You are not alone. God is with you. Then you have all your friends on CAF.

My take on the way he looks at you, his new comments - He is trying to justify himself and his decision to leave. He is making it seem a bad marriage from the start (Grounds for you to seek an annulment in the future if you want), putting blame on you. His hatred (if it is) is about you not making it easy to go and his guilt. His father telling him he is wrong too. Initially, he was being big and adult (as he made himself think he was) by admitting it was his fault. He just wanted to slink away.

God bless.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Thank you Severus. That is a good reminder.

I think you are right. He is trying very hard to seem brave and determined and strong. His attitude towards me if best described as cruel. He refuses to admit we had a lot of good stuff going on and makes it sound like I verbally and emotionally abused him on daily basis. I talked to a friend earlier and she thinks he is gaslighting me. I really don’t know anymore. I know he is rewriting our history, but maybe I do have a poor memory and have really forgotten about some things. I just don’t know.

I wonder if something like this can ever be repared, if a person so determined to leave can change his mind. I can’t help it, but I wish he wouldn’t leave and that our marriage would survive, even after all of this.

 

[Serap]

Thank you all for the advice and prayers.

We had a conversation earlier. He is determined “to get it over with” in an efficient way. He said that he knew he was making a mistake 10 months before we got married. I asked him if he is willing to put that on paper and sign his name under it and he said yes. He claims we argued all the time and I wonder if I lived in a parallel universe. I guess we just define arguing in a different way. Apparently I gave him looks all the time that were full of contempt. I am now seriously questioning my own understanding of reality and how we lived.

The way he looks at me is full of hate. My feelings towards this bastard are changing very quickly into absolute disgust. I can’t believe I’ve been living with a lie, with someone who deceived me and pretended he loved me all these years. I just don’t understand why he did it and am grateful it has only been 4 years of marriage, and ‘only’ 2 children. We always talked about more and I now thank God we only have two. What a mess.

Please keep praying, I am so alone.

Thank you.

He is a digusting excuse for a husband and father. I would look at him with disgust too.

 

[Serap]

Thank you Severus. That is a good reminder.

I think you are right. He is trying very hard to seem brave and determined and strong. His attitude towards me if best described as cruel. He refuses to admit we had a lot of good stuff going on and makes it sound like I verbally and emotionally abused him on daily basis. I talked to a friend earlier and she thinks he is gaslighting me. I really don’t know anymore. I know he is rewriting our history, but maybe I do have a poor memory and have really forgotten about some things. I just don’t know.

I wonder if something like this can ever be repared, if a person so determined to leave can change his mind. I can’t help it, but I wish he wouldn’t leave and that our marriage would survive, even after all of this.

of course it’s you fault b/c he’s a selfish pig!!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thank you all for the advice and prayers.

We had a conversation earlier. He is determined “to get it over with” in an efficient way. He said that he knew he was making a mistake 10 months before we got married. I asked him if he is willing to put that on paper and sign his name under it and he said yes. He claims we argued all the time and I wonder if I lived in a parallel universe. I guess we just define arguing in a different way. Apparently I gave him looks all the time that were full of contempt. I am now seriously questioning my own understanding of reality and how we lived.

The way he looks at me is full of hate. My feelings towards this bastard are changing very quickly into absolute disgust. I can’t believe I’ve been living with a lie, with someone who deceived me and pretended he loved me all these years. I just don’t understand why he did it and am grateful it has only been 4 years of marriage, and ‘only’ 2 children. We always talked about more and I now thank God we only have two. What a mess.

Please keep praying, I am so alone.

Thank you.

This is simply awful, Contra Mundum. I am so sorry that you are going through this - I think he is treating you this way so that you eventually kick him out. What an absolute jerk. He’s got to be mentally ill or have a personality defect like narcissism to be so cold-hearted and calculating, and willing to hurt his own children. Please be careful from here on out.

 

[daisybee]

He is a digusting excuse for a husband and father. I would look at him with disgust too.

While I think it’s very important to try to have empathy for the OP, I also think it’s important to tread carefully in our assessment of her spouse and in the advice given. It certainly sounds as if he’s acting in a ridiculously selfish manner–but we do not know why, and it seems there’s a hint that mental health issues could be at least one of the possible reasons.

Returning hatred for hatred (ie looking at him with disgust as well) is bound to result in further destructiveness. For some reason this part of the OP’s terrible trial is reminding me of the way Our Lord looked at and interacted with Judas–Our Lord was deeply distressed, but He did not treat Judas with disgust.

When I think of the times I have reacted in kind to meannesses from a loved one, I can honestly say nothing good has ever come from it. It only generated more hard feelings. The times I have refrained from doing so have had much better results. And I’m still working on it! The times I have managed a positive act of love in the face of meanness are probably the most fruitful of all–not always immediately though. And it generally is most fruitful if I consult Him in the Blessed Sacrament first.

Stay strong, Contra Mundum! Stay strong, sister in Christ!

 

[Serap]

While I think it’s very important to try to have empathy for the OP, I also think it’s important to tread carefully in our assessment of her spouse and in the advice given. It certainly sounds as if he’s acting in a ridiculously selfish manner–but we do not know why, and it seems there’s a hint that mental health issues could be at least one of the possible reasons.

Returning hatred for hatred (ie looking at him with disgust as well) is bound to result in further destructiveness. For some reason this part of the OP’s terrible trial is reminding me of the way Our Lord looked at and interacted with Judas–Our Lord was deeply distressed, but He did not treat Judas with disgust.

When I think of the times I have reacted in kind to meannesses from a loved one, I can honestly say nothing good has ever come from it. It only generated more hard feelings. The times I have refrained from doing so have had much better results. And I’m still working on it! The times I have managed a positive act of love in the face of meanness are probably the most fruitful of all–nit always immediately though. And it generally is most fruitful if I consult Him in the Blessed Sacrameny first.

Stay strong, Contra Mundum! Stay strong, sister in Christ!

Yeah you’re right. I feel anger and contempt for this man who is destroying his family.

It’s a huge cross for her to bare. I don’t know if I could do it.

 

[CatholicRaven]

While I think it’s very important to try to have empathy for the OP, I also think it’s important to tread carefully in our assessment of her spouse and in the advice given. It certainly sounds as if he’s acting in a ridiculously selfish manner–but we do not know why, and it seems there’s a hint that mental health issues could be at least one of the possible reasons.

Returning hatred for hatred (ie looking at him with disgust as well) is bound to result in further destructiveness. For some reason this part of the OP’s terrible trial is reminding me of the way Our Lord looked at and interacted with Judas–Our Lord was deeply distressed, but He did not treat Judas with disgust.

When I think of the times I have reacted in kind to meannesses from a loved one, I can honestly say nothing good has ever come from it. It only generated more hard feelings. The times I have refrained from doing so have had much better results. And I’m still working on it! The times I have managed a positive act of love in the face of meanness are probably the most fruitful of all–not always immediately though. And it generally is most fruitful if I consult Him in the Blessed Sacrament first.

Stay strong, Contra Mundum! Stay strong, sister in Christ!

THIS. ^

And I’ll pray for you, as well, Contra Mundum.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

The times I have managed a positive act of love in the face of meanness are probably the most fruitful of all–not always immediately though. And it generally is most fruitful if I consult Him in the Blessed Sacrament first.

Stay strong, Contra Mundum! Stay strong, sister in Christ!

Thank you. I’m off to the Blessed Sacrament next friday for some adoration time.

There are moments when I fantasise about shouting at himmand telling him all he deserves to hear, and more. But I don’t. I don’t want to bring myself to that state. I will not take revenge no matter what happens, although that is what he fears, that I will turn the children against him. The little ones deserve better than that and I will not stoop that low. But yes, there are moments when I truly hate him. Mercifully they pass and I am free again.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Yeah you’re right. I feel anger and contempt for this man who is destroying his family.

It’s a huge cross for her to bare. I don’t know if I could do it.

:hug1: Thank you.

I guess we bear the cross when it is handed to us. Trust me, I am not the most confident, strong woman in the world, but with God’s help I will do my best in this situation. I still can’t believe this is happening…

 

[Serap]

:hug1: Thank you.

I guess we bear the cross when it is handed to us. Trust me, I am not the most confident, strong woman in the world, but with God’s help I will do my best in this situation. I still can’t believe this is happening…

I just feel anger for you! I can’t help it. UGGHHHH!!!

Hugs to you too! You got this!

 

[daisybee]

There are moments when I fantasise about shouting at him and telling him all he deserves to hear, and more. But I don’t. I don’t want to bring myself to that state. I will not take revenge no matter what happens, although that is what he fears, that I will turn the children against him. The little ones deserve better than that and I will not stoop that low. But yes, there are moments when I truly hate him. Mercifully they pass and I am free again.

Understandable–and, beautiful!

I recorded this text from some spiritual reading in my journal last year during a difficult time. I don’t know if any of it could be useful to you, but I thought I would share it. Unfortunately I am no longer sure of the source.

You must believe that you are not alone because you will then live differently. When a soul has confidence that she is part of a heavenly team, she walks in a quiet certainty that all will be well.

With your heavenly company, you will learn to be at peace in everything. You will learn to take the heavenly view of every situation, and every person. For example, perhaps you are placed in the presence of a soul for whom you feel repugnance. A worldly approach would be to escape this person’s presence as quickly as possible. Now, after considering the presence of the angels and the saints, you might discuss the matter silently with them…they will let you know how to treat the soul! The wisdom we need to serve need not come from us.

Your example to others is part of Jesus’ plan.

When Jesus asks us to be at peace, he is really pleading with us. When tempted toward agitation and upset because of events around us, we must resist and maintain our heavenly bearing, mindful that Jesus is God.

Whenever we are troubled, and feel our peace has fled, we must speak with our angel guardian, and ask for help to recover peace.

Prayer for Peace to Angel Guardian

Dearest angel guardian, I desire to serve Jesus by remaining at peace. Please obtain for me the graces necessary to maintain His divine peace in my heart.

 

[lily20]

Because he doesn’t love anymore and claims that us getting married was a huge mistake. He says that by leaving he would fix that mistake. He says we are incompatible and just not right for each other. We started dating 7 years ago and got married 4 years ago. I think that 3 years of dating was enough for him to decide if we were right for each other. It was him who kept talking about marriage and family while we dated, not me. Now he says that he was in denial about his true feelings and that he knew deep down inside he was making a mistake.

I don’t know what to think to be very honest. Perhaps his ideas about love and marriage are naive and idealistic. I was prepared for the things that marriage and young children bring, for the boring, exhausting everyday life, for surviving day by day and feeling distant from your spouse. I believe that we are going through a bad crisis, but he claims this is something else - the reality of our incompatibility and lack of love exploding. He is refusing marriage councelling and is not considering making minimal effort to improve things. He just wants to leave and is determined to do so. This has been going on for a month. It came out of the blue, one morning. He just informed me he was leaving. He now wants to talk about our next step, and I don’t.

If he wants to leave, let him go.

I would keep it simple.

It doesn’t make you more or less of a person or wife/etc.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I recorded this text from some spiritual reading in my journal last year during a difficult time. I don’t know if any of it could be useful to you, but I thought I would share it. Unfortunately I am no longer sure of the source.

Thank you for that text. I will copy it and go back to it when I feel I need to reminded of reality of peace that Jesus gives.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

If he wants to leave, let him go.

I would keep it simple.

It doesn’t make you more or less of a person or wife/etc.

Oh, I wish it were simple. I love him althought I hate him in some moments. The children are *so *young and they need their father. His announcement about divorce was such a shock to me and I am still trying to get my head around it. I’m not very good with letting go quickly, it takes me forever. But I eventually do get there.