Husband wants a divorce - Update

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Contra_Mundum said:
Thank you very much. I believe that all these prayers are keeping me sane.

I talked to my FIL again and gave him an update. After a short pause he said that it seems that my husband is not coping well with being a father and a husband, that he is just not coping well with life. I completely agree. He seems like a child to me now, lost and helpless and really mean to me. I’d love to help him but he is not letting me. I am not excusing him at all, I have just come to a sad realisation that I married a boy in a man’s body, a boy who is very confused and emotionally messed up. I really hope that I will have grounds for annulment because it doesn’t seem like what we’ve had is a marriage.
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How is he handling work? If he is that messed up, how does he segment that part of his life and continue to bring in a paycheck? I can’t help but wonder if much of this isn’t an act so he can get away…In any case, I’m sure your life right now is miserable and I am so sorry. No one deserves to go through this.
 
Not sure about work. I think he manages to get things done and the way he talks about it I can conclude that things are OK. Apparently, sometimes it is possible to function in one area of life (like work) and not so well in another. I have seen that before in some people.
 
Contra_Mundum said:
Not sure about work. I think he manages to get things done and the way he talks about it I can conclude that things are OK. Apparently, sometimes it is possible to function in one area of life (like work) and not so well in another. I have seen that before in some people.
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I agree, I think work does not always require emotional maturity…he actually enjoy work if he feels in control of it.
I personally find the most difficult aspect of parenting is the overwhelming responsibility…feeling so much pressure not to mess it up, know what I mean? As a mom, it’s every little thing from from the meals that the children eat, how much TV is ok to watch, being strict enough without being too harsh…some days I really struggle. I have to pray for help, Jesus help me do the right thing for these children! It’s a joyful burden, but some days it feels less joyful and more burden.

I can see how someone who is immature and selfish would just want to get out from under that. And to see you, Contra, being such a great mom probably make him feel worse and he doesn’t want to have to face you daily, as a reminder of his shortcomings.

By the way. ANy chance he is using drugs? A woman I used to work with had an experience with a husband who changed quite suddenly, going from a regular nice guy to a nightmare, and it turned put he was abusing prescription painkillers. Just a thought.

Sending you hugs and prayers.
 
StJudePray4Me said:
I agree, I think work does not always require emotional maturity…he actually enjoy work if he feels in control of it.

I can see how someone who is immature and selfish would just want to get out from under that. And to see you, Contra, being such a great mom probably make him feel worse and he doesn’t want to have to face you daily, as a reminder of his shortcomings.

By the way. ANy chance he is using drugs?

Sending you hugs and prayers.
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Thank you for the hugs and prayers.

No drugs, he is not the type to pop pills. Definitely not.

I agree that in order to be good at work one does not have to be emotionally mature. He has tasks to do and he does them on time, and does them well. Family life places other demands on him that he is not coping with. I am increasingly convinced that he is not coping with family life and so is placing the blame on me. It is easy to just claim that he married the wrong woman and use that as an excuse to get out. I just don’t buy it. I understand that he was unhappy and that our marriage should have been better. But this whole story just doesn’t add up, the way he is handling the situation suggests that he is not coping well generally. The children and I are collateral damage of his meltdown, of his insecurities and his immaturity. I wish he’d let me help him, but he has closed his heart completely and I can’t do a thing.

Thank you for saying that I am a great mom. I really don’t think I am. I lose my temper, I forget to do stuff, I let DS watch too many Winnie the Pooh cartoons on days when I’m about to collapse. I don’t even know how to bake! I know I could do better. But I love them, I could never abandon them the way my husband is about to.

A friend of mine sent me a beautiful email yesterday and said that in those moments when I’m wondering why on earth did God allow me to marry my husband, that I should just look at the beautiful faces of my two children. That is so true. It made me cry with happiness and gratitude. Even if my marriage ends as a disaster I will always have my children. I am blessed.
 
May I ask all of you who follow this thread to pray for a particular intention?

I will soon (maybe even next week) have to make a decision whether to stay here in Malaysia for a bit longer (until spring or summer), or if I should go home soon (maybe even next month). I have to think hard about what to do. In case I decide to leave I will have to get my husband to agree on a few things. So please pray that he does what I want from him, because it is for the benefit of the children and for my own protection and security.

Thank you so much.
 
Contra_Mundum said:
May I ask all of you who follow this thread to pray for a particular intention?

I will soon (maybe even next week) have to make a decision whether to stay here in Malaysia for a bit longer (until spring or summer), or if I should go home soon (maybe even next month). I have to think hard about what to do. In case I decide to leave I will have to get my husband to agree on a few things. So please pray that he does what I want from him, because it is for the benefit of the children and for my own protection and security.

Thank you so much.
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I will definitely pray for that intention. I hope you are getting good legal advice as well.
 
Yes, I will include your intention in my prayers.

** Prayer for the Gifts of the Holy Spirit**
Code: 
Holy Spirit, divine Consoler, I adore You as my true God, with God the Father and God the Son. I adore You and unite myself to the adoration You receive from the angels and saints.

I give You my heart and I offer my ardent thanksgiving for all the grace which You never cease to bestow on me.

O Giver of all supernatural gifts, who filled the soul of the Blessed Virgin Mary, Mother of God, with such immense favors, I beg You to visit me with Your grace and Your love and to grant me the gift of holy fear, so that it may act on me as a check to prevent me from falling back into my past sins, for which I beg pardon.

Grant me the gift of piety, so that I may serve You for the future with increased fervor, follow with more promptness Your holy inspirations, and observe your divine precepts with greater fidelity.

Grant me the gift of knowledge, so that I may know the things of God and, enlightened by Your holy teaching, may walk, without deviation, in the path of eternal salvation.

Grant me the gift of fortitude, so that I may overcome courageously all the assaults of the devil, and all the dangers of this world which threaten the salvation of my soul.

Grant me the gift of counsel, so that I may choose what is more conducive to my spiritual advancement and may discover the wiles and snares of the tempter.

Grant me the gift of understanding, so that I may apprehend the divine mysteries and by contemplation of heavenly things detach my thoughts and affections from the vain things of this miserable world.

Grant me the gift of wisdom, so that I may rightly direct all my actions, referring them to God as my last end; so that, having loved Him and served Him in this life, I may have the happiness of possessing Him eternally in the next. Amen.
 
Contra_Mundum said:
Thank you for the hugs and prayers.

No drugs, he is not the type to pop pills. Definitely not.

I agree that in order to be good at work one does not have to be emotionally mature. He has tasks to do and he does them on time, and does them well. Family life places other demands on him that he is not coping with. I am increasingly convinced that he is not coping with family life and so is placing the blame on me. It is easy to just claim that he married the wrong woman and use that as an excuse to get out. I just don’t buy it. I understand that he was unhappy and that our marriage should have been better. But this whole story just doesn’t add up, the way he is handling the situation suggests that he is not coping well generally. The children and I are collateral damage of his meltdown, of his insecurities and his immaturity. I wish he’d let me help him, but he has closed his heart completely and I can’t do a thing.

Thank you for saying that I am a great mom. I really don’t think I am. I lose my temper, I forget to do stuff, I let DS watch too many Winnie the Pooh cartoons on days when I’m about to collapse. I don’t even know how to bake! I know I could do better. But I love them, I could never abandon them the way my husband is about to.

A friend of mine sent me a beautiful email yesterday and said that in those moments when I’m wondering why on earth did God allow me to marry my husband, that I should just look at the beautiful faces of my two children. That is so true. It made me cry with happiness and gratitude. Even if my marriage ends as a disaster I will always have my children. I am blessed.
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Your friend is so right, your children are gifts and a blessing.
 
Praying for you and your children to be safe and as happy as possible, and for your husband to at least have the decency to do right by his family in this instance.

I’m so sorry you’re discovering you married into the same kind of dysfunction you were raised in. It’s double shock and betrayal. And so unfair. Hugs and prayers.
 
Praying for your family.

I am glad your FIL is helpful to you. Just be sure you can trust him not to side with his son down the road.
 
Contra_Mundum said:
Jaaanosik;10063577:
…
I am thinking about starting a thread “Marriage 1 on 1 - a guide how to build a good marriage”. Our collective wisdom on the internet is amazing.
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Maybe we can make a joint publication, make it a best-seller, earn an insane amount of money and all retire 😃 I like this plan.

Yes, communication has been the main problem. What I still can’t understand is how I didn’t see it. I am not dumb, yet I didn’t see it. He lied to me about a number of things and he told me many half-truths. No wonder he reached a boiling point where he couldn’t take it any longer and exploded, and I was surprised because it seemed so sudden and unexpected.

The problem is that he refuses to try and change things, he refuses to save our marriage. He has decided to leave and that is that. I have no clue if he will maybe change his mind at some point, but at this moment he sounds very determined and I am preparing for the worst. I am in no rush to leave this country for the time being and will see how things develop.
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Hello Contra Mundum,
I wrote something here forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=735480
Please, have a look and let’s discuss.
 
Litcrit said:
I’m so sorry you’re discovering you married into the same kind of dysfunction you were raised in. It’s double shock and betrayal. And so unfair. Hugs and prayers.
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Thank you. I’m still trying to get my head around this. I think I will start councelling as soon as my life gets a bit more settled once again. I simply can’t believe this has happened to me.
 
smswife said:
Praying for your family.

I am glad your FIL is helpful to you. Just be sure you can trust him not to side with his son down the road.
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I know what you mean, it could easily happen. I’m just grateful for what he is able to give me and the kids now.

Thank you for the prayers.
 
We have had a few unexpected turns here. I have no idea what has happened but my husband seems to have snapped out of it. On saturday he went out for the afternoon, came back and apologised for the craziness. We talked. He doesn’t want to lose us. He told me he loved me. I am in complete shock again and am still trying to process it all. I really don’t know what to say. He thinks it was stress and then something pushed him over the edge. He said that he just wanted to run away from everything because he couldn’t cope. He has a doctor’s appointment on monday. He was against marriage councelling at first but has now agreed to go because I insisted. I don’t know what to expect. I still feel frozen inside and I think I will need councelling to help me heal.

I ask for your ongoing prayers and advice on how to handle this stage of marital crisis if you have some thoughts.

Thank you all for your support. It has made a world of difference to me in the last few weeks.
 
Contra_Mundum said:
We have had a few unexpected turns here. I have no idea what has happened but my husband seems to have snapped out of it. On saturday he went out for the afternoon, came back and apologised for the craziness. We talked. He doesn’t want to lose us. He told me he loved me. I am in complete shock again and am still trying to process it all. I really don’t know what to say. He thinks it was stress and then something pushed him over the edge. He said that he just wanted to run away from everything because he couldn’t cope. He has a doctor’s appointment on monday. He was against marriage councelling at first but has now agreed to go because I insisted. I don’t know what to expect. I still feel frozen inside and I think I will need councelling to help me heal.

I ask for your ongoing prayers and advice on how to handle this stage of marital crisis if you have some thoughts.

Thank you all for your support. It has made a world of difference to me in the last few weeks.
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I am so happy for you. He’s finally coming to his senses. 🙂
 
Proceed with caution above all else. Don’t give up on the situation but keep in mind where he was just weeks ago and where he is now. The proof is in the pudding as far as his actions go.

You can’t just accept him back with open arms and all is forgiven and let’s just go on our merry way. That’s not going to help either of you. I’d do the counseling and if you need to go separately then definitely go separately for now. You have pain you need to deal with and he’s got something going on with him that’s goes beyond your relationship. He needs to work on him and get himself at least somewhat right before he can focus on trying to repair the damage with you. Because you well know that if he fixes himself (or more accurately, let’s God work in him) that he’ll be making great strides in repairing the damage between you two. It’s like crossing a bridge. You have to have a way to get across the bridge before you can repair said bridge, right? He can’t cross the bridge, much less repair it, if both his legs are broken. So why worry about the tattered state of the bridge right now? He needs to heal himself first before trying to bust out the mortar and brick.

God bless and continued prayers.
 
Contra_Mundum said:
We have had a few unexpected turns here. I have no idea what has happened but my husband seems to have snapped out of it. On saturday he went out for the afternoon, came back and apologised for the craziness. We talked. He doesn’t want to lose us. He told me he loved me. I am in complete shock again and am still trying to process it all. I really don’t know what to say. He thinks it was stress and then something pushed him over the edge. He said that he just wanted to run away from everything because he couldn’t cope. He has a doctor’s appointment on monday. He was against marriage councelling at first but has now agreed to go because I insisted. I don’t know what to expect. I still feel frozen inside and I think I will need councelling to help me heal.

I ask for your ongoing prayers and advice on how to handle this stage of marital crisis if you have some thoughts.

Thank you all for your support. It has made a world of difference to me in the last few weeks.
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:eek: This is quite shocking and probably hard to digest, but maybe it’s the beginning of the miracle we’ve all been praying for. The damage isn’t going to be undone overnight, but the fact that he’s actually OPEN to counseling and to putting in some effort is absolutely key.
He may even have another relapse into his crazy state of mind–but don’t despair, these things are usually two steps forward and one step back.

I commend you for your patience and your grace and for turning it over to God. I am quite sure things would have turned even more nasty if not for the way you handled it. Get into counseling ASAP while he’s still open to it. Make sure the counselor shares most of your values is totally against divorce. And don’t be afraid to try “shop around” until you find the right person. Actually, considering the magnitude of what you’ve been through I would get individual counseling for yourself and marriage counseling, at least for a while.

Still praying for you! Take a deep breath and take it one step at a time!
 
Contra_Mundum said:
We have had a few unexpected turns here. I have no idea what has happened but my husband seems to have snapped out of it. On saturday he went out for the afternoon, came back and apologised for the craziness. We talked. He doesn’t want to lose us. He told me he loved me. I am in complete shock again and am still trying to process it all. I really don’t know what to say. He thinks it was stress and then something pushed him over the edge. He said that he just wanted to run away from everything because he couldn’t cope. He has a doctor’s appointment on monday. He was against marriage councelling at first but has now agreed to go because I insisted. I don’t know what to expect. I still feel frozen inside and I think I will need councelling to help me heal.

I ask for your ongoing prayers and advice on how to handle this stage of marital crisis if you have some thoughts.

Thank you all for your support. It has made a world of difference to me in the last few weeks.
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Wow. I am sitting here speechless, and for me, that’s not an everyday experience. I’m sure you feel like a tennis ball, smacked this way and now that. I agree with TheBucket - proceed with due caution. You have been through a whole lot over the last couple of months, and you now have scars on your heart and broken trust. Get to marriage counseling ASAP. And yes, individual counseling would be helpful for you. It might be fairly short-term, but you could process what has happened and what it means without worrying about his reactions etc.

I wonder if his father may have gotten through to him?

Why is he going to the doctor? Or is it a psychiatrist? Just wondering why he’d choose to go now instead of before he threw you into a tailspin and nearly torched his life.

p.s. Still praying for you.
 
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