Husband wants to put teen on birth control

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I think it is very Christlike to do what is best for the baby. I think a baby adopted by a loving couple is much better off than one who is being brought up by Grandparents who can’t give them what they really need.

Babies are a LOT of work and I think often, Grandparents keep the baby out of guilt but are not really equipped to do what is best for the baby. I honestly think that a child deserve a mother and father who love them and can care for them. If a teenage girl can not even keep her own apartment, can she really do what is best for a baby.

I am not saying it is wrong for Grandparents to let the baby live with them. I am saying that if the grandparents are not able to provide for the baby, it is much better to be upfront from the beginning.

I knew a girl who got pregnant at 16 and kept the baby. She got pregnant again at 19 and her mom just couldn’t take it and made her move out. She couldn’t handle the two kids so after 6 months she gave them both up for adoption. She said she will never forget leaving her 3 year old son and the way he cried ‘mommy’ as she left the room

I think it would have been better for her to give the kid up when she was 16.

I think it is very Christlike to do what is best for the baby. I think a baby adopted by a loving couple is much better off than one who is being brought up by Grandparents who can’t give them what they really need.

Of course this can be very true, but that was not the real issue I had with the idea of telling a girl she HAD to give it up and you would not support her or the baby.

Babies are a LOT of work and I think often, Grandparents keep the baby out of guilt but are not really equipped to do what is best for the baby. I honestly think that a child deserve a mother and father who love them and can care for them. If a teenage girl can not even keep her own apartment, can she really do what is best for a baby.

LOL no need to tell ME how much work a baby is. And I agree with the principle here.

I am not saying it is wrong for Grandparents to let the baby live with them. I am saying that if the grandparents are not able to provide for the baby, it is much better to be upfront from the beginning.

That is obviously not what the poster was communicating

I knew a girl who got pregnant at 16 and kept the baby. She got pregnant again at 19 and her mom just couldn’t take it and made her move out. She couldn’t handle the two kids so after 6 months she gave them both up for adoption. She said she will never forget leaving her 3 year old son and the way he cried ‘mommy’ as she left the room

Yup many situations are like that.

I think it would have been better for her to give the kid up when she was 16

Odds are that you are right. But it very well could be you are wrong too. “give the kid up” is not as simple as it seems you don’t know what would have happened and you are taking out of the equation serious and legitimate emotions and maternal instincts.

Again, adoption is often the best option. But threatening and trying to force that on a scared embarrassed and hormonal teen is not exactly the best form of parenting to use. Counseling to adopt, sure. Outlining your limitations as a grandparent. Yup. But telling them, if you screw up I won’t fix it? Is not mirroring God’s parenting.

 

[LongingSoul]

Of course this can be very true, but that was not the real issue I had with the idea of telling a girl she HAD to give it up and you would not support her or the baby.

The thing is that a parents expectations have a great deal more influence on teens behaviour than many would think. I probably wouldn’t go that far myself, but I respect the mothers right to make that rule. Being fully aware of the responsibilities she will face if she does bring a child into the world, can inform a childs actions and create their personal boundaries in a really positive way. My mother told all of us that if we got married outside the Church, she would not be attending. None of us did of course and as a matter of fact my 2 SILs and BIL who were non Catholics… all eventually converted to Catholicism. My mothers standards have played a subtle yet powerful part in the life choices we’ve made. Her aim is to get as many of her descendence into heaven that she can! No compromises.

 

[CaliLobo]

However, I also have something to add, based on my experiences as a teen and then as a high school teacher:

If your daughter has been dating this guy for three years, she is probably having sex with him. That is a long time to be in an exclusive relationship (if they were adults, we’d be telling them to go ahead and get married already!). I knew a lot of teens who were in exclusive relationships who basically saw themselves as being married, but living in different houses. Does this absolutely have to be the case for your daughter and her boyfriend? No. But it does make me really wary about letting a 14 year old date.

I also wonder why you couldn’t just ask her straight up, “Are you and [name] having sex?” If they are, ask her why. If she won’t answer, ask her why. If she says no, explain why you want to know. You don’t need all the sordid details, but you are her mother and you do still bear some responsibility for her actions as a minor. I know I would have appreciated more direction from my parents on this issue (although at the time I would have been embarrassed), instead of just sticking their heads in the sand and pretending their precious little girl wouldn’t ever be interested in something like that.

Agreed. In fact, ask a leading question. “Come on, I wasn’t born yesterday and I was in high school before. I’m not gonna judge. You guys are having sex right?”

HOWEVER…

I will provide a voice of dissent.

Sometimes, it’s better to be Machiavellian. In other words, pick among the lesser of two evils.

Your job as parent is to do what’s best for your child, right?

It’s clear she’s having sex. I’m sorry but that’s true. Especially kids these days, who are so precocious. (Even when I was in high school in the late 90s, it wasn’t abnormal to remain virgin. But that’s drastically changed since.)

So we need to understand it and deal with it. What’s better for your daughter at this point? To let her risk pregnancy so she can truly understand the consequences of her moral actions? Or to prevent pregnancy?

I think preventing pregnancy, even via the “mortal sin of contraception,” is the lesser of two evils, especially when the mortal sin of fornication is already taking place.

Don’t be so stifled by your morals.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

The thing is that a parents expectations have a great deal more influence on teens behaviour than many would think. I probably wouldn’t go that far myself, but I respect the mothers right to make that rule. Being fully aware of the responsibilities she will face if she does bring a child into the world, can inform a childs actions and create their personal boundaries in a really positive way. My mother told all of us that if we got married outside the Church, she would not be attending. None of us did of course and as a matter of fact my 2 SILs and BIL who were non Catholics… all eventually converted to Catholicism. My mothers standards have played a subtle yet powerful part in the life choices we’ve made. Her aim is to get as many of her descendence into heaven that she can! No compromises.

I think ultimatums that you cannot enforce or that might cause someone to seek out worse solutions are silly. I think ultimatums that you can enforce are a powerful tool that can be used appropriately. I agree with getting married outside the Church and not attending. Hopefully we have the opportunities and relationships with our children that we can instill in them the theological reasoning behind making these choices. But the reality of a young lady getting pregnant and having doors closed to her, her parents door, is a recipe for a financial boon for planned parenthood. Fear is a powerful motivator but can also be a powerful obstacle to real theological, loving, parental advice and help at a time that will be the most serious of their lives.

I also tend to think that when we lay down these “rules” they must be enforceable by us. Telling a 17 year old that they will have no support from you if you make a decision is not only playing chicken with lives, it is also something you will most likely go back on when push comes to shove. My mother tried this with our decision to homeschool. She said she would never ever help me if I needed it. (she was a teacher for 30 years and did not want us to homeschool) 5 years later, we ended up moving 1800 miles away from her in part because of things like this. Her relationship with me and her grandchildren has never been the same. And she did try to go back on it and teach outside of our curriculum. An attempt to motivate us to make a decision that was ours to make by using fear and threats only served to alienate us further. Same with her husband. When we had our first child he looked me right in the eye and told me not to expect him to be a grandpa. Ok that really did not enter into our lovemaking decisions Now he complains that the kids don’t really have a close relationship with him. Well the thing is when you tell people things they tend to remember. Same with the poster who brought this up. She said, her kids said it really resonated with them. It affected their decisions. And it paid off. But I think it is an example of what not to do. When I die, I don’t want my kids saying, well, dad sure let us know what the consequences would be, so we never really were able to have the type of relationship with him that we needed.

I need to be the first call on my kids mind when they are in trouble. Not the last or the one they are scared to dial.

 

[mommy_k]

No, I don’t think this will solve anything, as a matter of fact it will tell your daughter that you don’t trust her by doing this. I would put my faith in the talks that you have shared, and the moral values you have instilled. You know the maturity of you daugter and boyfriend, so that is also an indicator. If another sit down talk is necessary, include the boy and your husband. You will know by the behavior and activities of your daughter. If they share a lot of alone time without groups, then I would do this.

Even if you gave her birth control-it does not mean she will use it anyway.is the boyfriend Catholic too? Are his parents attending church? They are your partners in this as well.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Agreed. In fact, ask a leading question. “Come on, I wasn’t born yesterday and I was in high school before. I’m not gonna judge. You guys are having sex right?”

HOWEVER…

I will provide a voice of dissent.

Sometimes, it’s better to be Machiavellian. In other words, pick among the lesser of two evils.

Your job as parent is to do what’s best for your child, right?

It’s clear she’s having sex. I’m sorry but that’s true. Especially kids these days, who are so precocious. (Even when I was in high school in the late 90s, it wasn’t abnormal to remain virgin. But that’s drastically changed since.)

So we need to understand it and deal with it. What’s better for your daughter at this point? To let her risk pregnancy so she can truly understand the consequences of her moral actions? Or to prevent pregnancy?

I think preventing pregnancy, even via the “mortal sin of contraception,” is the lesser of two evils, especially when the mortal sin of fornication is already taking place.

Don’t be so stifled by your morals.

LOL there are WAY more teen pregnancies because of contraception than without. It is like a revolver with a hundred chambers and you put 2 bullets in it and tell your kid it is ok to pull the trigger and aim it at someone.

 

[LongingSoul]

I think ultimatums that you cannot enforce or that might cause someone to seek out worse solutions are silly. I think ultimatums that you can enforce are a powerful tool that can be used appropriately. I agree with getting married outside the Church and not attending. Hopefully we have the opportunities and relationships with our children that we can instill in them the theological reasoning behind making these choices. But the reality of a young lady getting pregnant and having doors closed to her, her parents door, is a recipe for a financial boon for planned parenthood. Fear is a powerful motivator but can also be a powerful obstacle to real theological, loving, parental advice and help at a time that will be the most serious of their lives.

I look back in retrospect and wish that I had made many more ultimatums than I did. Sin has horrible consequences and reasoning alone with a child, although we love to think that our loving and theological explanations are going to do the trick… is much of the time, ineffectual.

Set the boundaries and standards for your home and how things will be regarding the consequences of sin. Make them serious and uncompromising. You’ll do your children a great favour.

If I had my time over again… I would be far more like this. As it is at this stage of my kids lives… I have told them in no uncertain terms that I will be happy to babysit my grandchildren but I won’t be doing daycare. A friend of mine did this and she did feel guilty when the time came and the grandchildren were put in daycare… but she had no regrets.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I look back in retrospect and wish that I had made many more ultimatums than I did. Sin has horrible consequences and reasoning alone with a child, although we love to think that our loving and theological explanations are going to do the trick… is much of the time, ineffectual.

Set the boundaries and standards for your home and how things will be regarding the consequences of sin. Make them serious and uncompromising. You’ll do your children a great favour.

If I had my time over again… I would be far more like this. As it is at this stage of my kids lives… I have told them in no uncertain terms that I will be happy to babysit my grandchildren but I won’t be doing daycare. A friend of mine did this and she did feel guilty when the time came and the grandchildren were put in daycare… but she had no regrets.

And that all makes sense, but telling a kid, “If you get pregnant don’t you bring it home” Is reckless.

 

[LongingSoul]

And that all makes sense, but telling a kid, “If you get pregnant don’t you bring it home” Is reckless.

It is entirely reasonable to make the rule that you will not be raising an illegitimate child. Much better to set the standard early in the piece than having to deal with the situation when it’s already happened. I agree with this poster. Boundaries are a fair and powerful tool in guiding your teen through these years of life.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

It is entirely reasonable to make the rule that you will not be raising an illegitimate child. Much better to set the standard early in the piece than having to deal with the situation when it’s already happened. I agree with this poster. Boundaries are a fair and powerful tool in guiding your teen through these years of life.

And we differ. Oh well. My kids are my kids and your kids are your kids.

Admittedly my situation would be far different from the OP. We home school using religious curriculum, our level of communication with our kids will be different than a person who say, allowed a 14 year old to date with a steady boyfriend. The problem arises when the parent is trying to make an impression on a 17 year old that should have been made years ago.

 

[guanophore]

It’s clear she’s having sex. I’m sorry but that’s true.

I don’t think this should be assumed. It is a possibility, but it is very damaging to a person to proceed on the basis of unconfirmed assuptions.

So we need to understand it and deal with it. What’s better for your daughter at this point? To let her risk pregnancy so she can truly understand the consequences of her moral actions? Or to prevent pregnancy?

I think preventing pregnancy, even via the “mortal sin of contraception,” is the lesser of two evils, especially when the mortal sin of fornication is already taking place.

Don’t be so stifled by your morals.

It is never right to commit a sin to avoid another sin. Perhaps contraception is the lesser of 2 evils in comparison to abortion (though most contraceptives are abortifacient), but it is not right for the parents to “put her on birth control”. If she chooses to get on it, (assuming she already is not) then that is on her. Parents committing a sin to avoid a potentially worse sin is not the best way to teach morals.

It would be better to talk to her about the rejection of abortion, and why, so that she is less likely to consider it a viable option.

Sit down together as a famliy and watch the national geographic film on The Miracle of Life. It is a great tool for discussion on pregnancy. Our modern culture teaches kids that an unwanted pregnancy is “the product of conception” as if it were a blob of tissue. Our teens need to be educated that the zygote is a human being, though not yet fully developed, as long as that development is allowed to continue, the “product” is a person.

 

[twf]

It is entirely reasonable to make the rule that you will not be raising an illegitimate child. Much better to set the standard early in the piece than having to deal with the situation when it’s already happened. I agree with this poster. Boundaries are a fair and powerful tool in guiding your teen through these years of life.

The Church no longer uses the language of “illegitimacy” and I don’t think Catholics should either. Punishing an innocent child for the sins of the parents… every child is a precious gift, and I believe we have an obligation, if at all within our power, to care for our children and grandchildren regardless of the circumstances of their conception.

 

[LongingSoul]

The Church no longer uses the language of “illegitimacy” and I don’t think Catholics should either. Punishing an innocent child for the sins of the parents… every child is a precious gift, and I believe we have an obligation, if at all within our power, to care for our children and grandchildren regardless of the circumstances of their conception.

The generations that are passing into adulthood right now, have a pervading sense of entitlement to freedom from consequences. You can’t really blame them because there is a strong force in society to set up structures that allow people ‘to have it all’. So no matter what a kid wants, they have this sense that somehow they’ll be able to duck the consequences.

In this environment, it takes some strict boundaries to stand up against the forces grooming kids to pursue the consequence free life. Of course the children born of sin are innocent, but the option of adoption is not the most tragic alternative. In the big picture, if adoption was more acceptable, perhaps infertile couples wouldn’t be so ready to try IVF. Perhaps more women who seek abortion would feel they have another choice than killng thier baby. Adoption is a wonderful truly Christian option considering through Christ, we all became the chidren of God by adoption.

The important thing is though, that planting a seed regarding boundaries and consequences of sin, in the child, is a powerful gift for guiding their choices and standing for morals and resisting temptations.

I worked for the Dept of Social Security for 10 years before I married and I saw many babies of single mothers who would have been ‘punished’ far less by adoption than funding their mothers entitled, consequence free existences.

 

[Aaahm28]

If these kids love each other deeply and despite being seventeens really want to get married then they need to be supported in this. You need to put your teen on a NFP course and get an ova cue and a ovasense and get onto both the Creighton and. Billings course. Set a wedding date and put the pressure on and enforce a once a month visit to the family home for a family date and nothing else.

Please let her know that people who have sex before marriage versus those who wait until after marriage statistically show and incredibly amount of tragedy in their lives in the future. The most common ones are bad marriages and divorces, but also problems with children.

If your daughter has been having sex then she needs to put HERSELF on a 1 -2 year complete abstinence self imposed regime-course to learn how to control her emotions and to then find a spouse with those eyes and that world view or else in most likelihood her divorce will come.

People who have sex before marriage or had sex before marriage have a serious problem that they need to reconcile with and they need to go through a rehabilitation of their worldview and chastity course, or else there will be trouble in their marriage I the future.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Of course this can be very true, but that was not the real issue I had with the idea of telling a girl she HAD to give it up and you would not support her or the baby.

But if the teenager’s parents already know they won’t have the love in the heart for the child (since they already know they would resent bringing up their grandchild) it is much more considerate to tell the teenager before she is pregnant that she would have to give it up for adoption. That does not mean they won’t support the teenager, it means the teenager knows what they are getting into.

Again, adoption is often the best option. But threatening and trying to force that on a scared embarrassed and hormonal teen is not exactly the best form of parenting to use. Counseling to adopt, sure. Outlining your limitations as a grandparent. Yup. But telling them, if you screw up I won’t fix it? Is not mirroring God’s parenting.

I agree that threatening is not a good option at all. Telling a teenager ‘if you get pregnant you will have to give the kid up for adoption’, is not a threat, it is an expression of consequences. Just like telling a kid ‘If you don’t clean your room you will not get your allowance’

And by the way, God never fixes anyone’s screw ups If a man commits a murder, they can go to confession and receive God’s forgiveness. However, if that man is found guilty and is sentenced to jail, the man still goes to jail. God doesn’t show up and say ‘This man has gone to confession release him from jail’.

The 2 big issues I have with the whole debate is

1-) until the post I just quoted none of the people who said they would raise the grandchild seem to respect the people who said they wouldn’t

2-) In real life, it is often the people who say ‘we need to be understanding and accommodate babies’ are the first to complain when the babies loud crying annoys them

 

[WingsOfEagles]

If a couple is going out with each other for longer then 2 years and they still do not know if they are to be married then they must break it off, as obviously they don’t love each other that much. In this case the mother needs to tell her daughter and the boyfriend it’s time for you two to marry or split up. It’s either love that is for ever or it’s horse&$@&.

If the daughter is so mature to have a boyfriend with the parents blessing its time she moved out and started her own life in matrimony.

Start organising a wedding for them for a set date and tell them they have a month to decide and then you are inviting everyone. That will avoid the need to talk about potentially carcinogenic but definitely unhealthy contraceptive pills.

The children are under the Parents care until the Children get married or reach a reasonable age of reason which is about 24-26 in males and slightly less in females. The parent has the right to interfere in their children’s lives to ensure that they do not make mistakes that will bring the family unit down.

It’s either marriage, a break up or the highway is what I would tell me daughter.

They’re in high school. A 3 year high school relationship is very different from 3 years in your 20s. I wouldn’t suggest that a high school couple get married or break up because they should know by now. You change so much through the college years that you really run the risk of growing apart and being married to a stranger.

 

[heidi_storage]

Agreed. In fact, ask a leading question. “Come on, I wasn’t born yesterday and I was in high school before. I’m not gonna judge. You guys are having sex right?”

HOWEVER…

I will provide a voice of dissent.

Sometimes, it’s better to be Machiavellian. In other words, pick among the lesser of two evils.

Your job as parent is to do what’s best for your child, right?

It’s clear she’s having sex. I’m sorry but that’s true. Especially kids these days, who are so precocious. (Even when I was in high school in the late 90s, it wasn’t abnormal to remain virgin. But that’s drastically changed since.)

So we need to understand it and deal with it. What’s better for your daughter at this point? To let her risk pregnancy so she can truly understand the consequences of her moral actions? Or to prevent pregnancy?

I think preventing pregnancy, even via the “mortal sin of contraception,” is the lesser of two evils, especially when the mortal sin of fornication is already taking place.

Don’t be so stifled by your morals.

Huh? Look, according to the Guttmacher Institute (not a promoter of Catholic morality, incidentally, being closely associated with Planned Parenthood), slightly less than HALF of 17-year-olds have had sex. You really cannot assume that this girl isn’t still a virgin.

I’m pretty sure that the Catholic position is that you shouldn’t be putting baby prevention ahead of your daughter’s immortal soul.

 

[siena_avila]

Hi, OP!

Okay, here’s some actual advice for you. You already know the right course: no birth control. And I can’t believe no one has said: Make sure you go to Mass as a family every week and HDO. I liked the previous suggestion of family confession. Also consider adding in a family Rosary. If she’d find that weird or suspicious to suddenly start, say you’re doing a novena for a relative.

I’m also going to recommend something a little different after working with teens and loving how my parents handled my dating life as a teen and early young adult: stop reminding her to be abstinent.

Instead, ask questions. Find an easy time when you’re together (just not driving–she’ll feel trapped and get annoyed and will close off, and you don’t want to cause an accident if you hear something shocking), and just ask questions. “What’s new with you and Boyfriend?” “I remember when we were dating, your father did Lovely Awesome Thing. What’s Boyfriend done lately that was so romantic?” If watching a tv show with a dumb male character, say something light or teasing like, “Ugh, men can be such a chore sometimes. Does Boyfriend do anything that annoys you?” What’s really important is that you show your DD that you care about the success of her relationship beyond their level of chastity. Have your husband spend time with Boyfriend. A hobby they can share? Have him ask Boyfriend questions about school, sports, himself, before they go out. Have dinner with the two of them. And then have dinner with the two of them at his house and his parents house.

Then from time-to-time, bring up relevant social things–a pregnant teen daughter friend-of-a-friend, a celebrity who got married at 19, a singer (male or female) she may follow who’s vowed abstinence until marriage–and ask her what she thinks/feels about such topics. She’ll be more comfortable eventually opening up to you if you’ve demonstrated before that you won’t be judgmental of your responses, but loving and supportive of “correct” opinions or not harsh when explaining “but you know the Church teaches that XYZ is more loving than [insert public sin of socialite]” if she thought it was cool or normal.

This won’t give you a direct answer on her sexual activity or not, but it will show your daughter that you care, and that you are interested in getting to know her on this new emerging adult level, just as she’s starting to form her own values. She may start to trust you more as a person to go to when she does have questions.

Then, *reassure *her. Say things like “Your father and I love you so much!” “Your father and I just love Boyfriend.” (right?!?) “Your father and I think you and Boyfriend are so cute together.” Or something. “We really appreciate you and Boyfriend coming home from Frozen at 8:30 like we asked.” “That was a great grade/sports/hobby thing you did!” She’s more than just Potential Sexually Active Teen. If you treat her like the person she believes herself to be (17 is the worst–can’t wait to be 18. That’s an adult! Which didn’t even feel different from 17! --That was me a decade ago.)

Do not bury your head in the sand. Do not allow your husband to give up. Be a proactive team that demonstrates your love for your daughter as a whole person.

 

[guanophore]

Hi, OP!

Okay, here’s some actual advice for you. You already know the right course: no birth control

Great post Siena. I was thinking about this today:

Sin is a personal act. Moreover, we have a responsibility for the sins committed by others when we cooperate in them:

• by participating directly and voluntarily in them;
• by ordering, advising, praising, or approving them;
• by not disclosing or not hindering them when we have an obligation to do so;
• by protecting evil-doers.

etc.

“putting” a teen on birth control is just participating in sin.

 

[bitterhope]

But if the teenager’s parents already know they won’t have the love in the heart for the child (since they already know they would resent bringing up their grandchild) it is much more considerate to tell the teenager before she is pregnant that she would have to give it up for adoption. That does not mean they won’t support the teenager, it means the teenager knows what they are getting into.

I agree that threatening is not a good option at all. Telling a teenager ‘if you get pregnant you will have to give the kid up for adoption’, is not a threat, it is an expression of consequences. Just like telling a kid ‘If you don’t clean your room you will not get your allowance’

And by the way, God never fixes anyone’s screw ups If a man commits a murder, they can go to confession and receive God’s forgiveness. However, if that man is found guilty and is sentenced to jail, the man still goes to jail. God doesn’t show up and say ‘This man has gone to confession release him from jail’.

The 2 big issues I have with the whole debate is

1-) until the post I just quoted none of the people who said they would raise the grandchild seem to respect the people who said they wouldn’t

2-) In real life, it is often the people who say ‘we need to be understanding and accommodate babies’ are the first to complain when the babies loud crying annoys them

Allowing a child to move home or stay home does not need to equal grandparents raising the grandchild. Lots of parents live with grandparents and successfully raise their own children. Married couples as well as single parents live with grandparents or sometimes grandparents move in with their children and grand children’s home.

I can’t imagine ever asking my child to give their baby up. If they chose to adopt out their child, I would respect that, but it must come from them. I can’t see me raising their child for them, but they would be welcomed to raise their own child in my home if they needed to or chose to for some other reason.

I’ve volunteered at maternity homes and crisis pregnancy center in several different areas. The girls that had parents that supported them emotionally were far more likely to choose to carry their baby to term, successfully raise their own child, finish school themselves and obtain decent employment. These girls are also the most likely to decide to place their child into an adoptive family. The girls that have parents that draw a hard line are the ones most likely to have abortions without even telling their parents that they were pregnant, hide their pregnancies for many, many months, and if they keep their baby usually drop out of school to work a dead end job and end up trapped in a cycle of repeated children and/or abortions. Support is the key to success. It’s not a get out of parenthood card.

My sister was a very young mom and she raised her child herself. My parents did not raise her baby for her. They did allow her to live at home for as long as she needed to, but they did not raise her baby for her.