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Et_Cetera
Guest
To the original question: If your daughter is 17, then I think you should talk to her about what she might want to do. Better safe than sorry.
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Hoosier_Daddy
Guest
What does that mean?
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Hoosier_Daddy
Guest
To the OP: Why also do you need to address this at all? If she is 17 and soon to be 18 I am sure she knows how babies are made and how the world prevents them. No need to put her on ABC when little johnny boyfriend will probably be packing protection anyway. (that is if they are not moral enough to reserve sex for marriage.)
Come to think of it a mother Daughter NFP session where you really discuss cycles and fertility and things of that nature would not only help but would probably be helpful to her when she does get married.
OP, Do you know about NFP?
Come to think of it a mother Daughter NFP session where you really discuss cycles and fertility and things of that nature would not only help but would probably be helpful to her when she does get married.
OP, Do you know about NFP?
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theCrow
Guest
to the OP:
What if your daughter asks to be put on birth control, or perhaps ask her?
It Breeds Trust and Good Decision-Making
"Many moms who put their daughters on the pill say they are keen to avoid repeating the mistakes of their own mothers, who didn’t educate them at all about sex or birth control, which made the whole subject taboo. As Charlene W. explains, “Everything I knew about sex, STDs, and birth control when I was in my teens came from everywhere except my mother. . . . I think that schools and we as moms need to be able to teach about birth control and safe sex and not be forced to talk only about abstinence. I don’t see it as giving them permission to have sex. I see it as arming them with the proper knowledge to make good decisions if they so choose to go ahead and do the deed. It needs to be a fair balance.”
also more on the better safe than sorry debate:
Even if you worry that you’re sending your daughter a message that it is OK for her to have sex, it is better to be safe than sorry, says a member named Victoria. She put her 16-year-old on the pill to protect her from getting pregnant, and as she says, “It is unlikely that you will be able to stop your daughter from having sex once she has made the decision. . . . considering the possible consequences, it is better to be safe than sorry.” She told her daughter that it is ultimately “her choice when to become sexually active” and that she must protect herself against pregnancy.
Buffy D. agrees with this approach to the issue. Putting her 14-year-old daughter on the pill when she was 12 was the best way to protect her, she says. “As mothers, we don’t only worry about our kids having sex; there is also the worry of pedophiles.”
What if your daughter asks to be put on birth control, or perhaps ask her?
It Breeds Trust and Good Decision-Making
"Many moms who put their daughters on the pill say they are keen to avoid repeating the mistakes of their own mothers, who didn’t educate them at all about sex or birth control, which made the whole subject taboo. As Charlene W. explains, “Everything I knew about sex, STDs, and birth control when I was in my teens came from everywhere except my mother. . . . I think that schools and we as moms need to be able to teach about birth control and safe sex and not be forced to talk only about abstinence. I don’t see it as giving them permission to have sex. I see it as arming them with the proper knowledge to make good decisions if they so choose to go ahead and do the deed. It needs to be a fair balance.”
also more on the better safe than sorry debate:
Even if you worry that you’re sending your daughter a message that it is OK for her to have sex, it is better to be safe than sorry, says a member named Victoria. She put her 16-year-old on the pill to protect her from getting pregnant, and as she says, “It is unlikely that you will be able to stop your daughter from having sex once she has made the decision. . . . considering the possible consequences, it is better to be safe than sorry.” She told her daughter that it is ultimately “her choice when to become sexually active” and that she must protect herself against pregnancy.
Buffy D. agrees with this approach to the issue. Putting her 14-year-old daughter on the pill when she was 12 was the best way to protect her, she says. “As mothers, we don’t only worry about our kids having sex; there is also the worry of pedophiles.”
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DeniseNY
Guest
I think it means better on ABC than pregnant
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Hoosier_Daddy
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I figure, but that is impossible for a Catholic.
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pensmama87
Guest
I understand that you’re not Catholic, but I’m going to highlight a couple of the problems with this from a Catholic perspective:
Yes, there are risks to pregnancy, but a child is NOT, by itself, something to be “protected from.” Children are a blessing. (ETA: Also, the pill is not risk-free, even the low dose ones. I have personal experience with some of the side effects and they are very much downplayed by the manufacturers and by many of the doctors who prescribe them. I, and many of my female friends - who don’t oppose contraception in principle the way I now do - have experienced the lie that what we are experiencing is “in our heads” - weight gain, depression, loss of libido, to name a few. Who wants to put their teen on that track when instead they could develop the self-control necessary to abstain?)
Also, I don’t understand the last part. Birth control, by itself, does not protect a child from being victimized by pedophiles.
(Actually, I’ve heard too many stories of abusers buying contraception for their victims and/or forcing them to have abortions so there is no evidence of their crimes - and abortion providers look the other way.)Children need to learn the lesson that actions have consequences. Big actions have big consequences. Sin hurts us. Even if the OP’s daughter never got pregnant as a result of premarital sex, it would still hurt her soul. Giving her license to continue sinning (and add another sin on top of it) is seriously morally problematic for a Catholic.
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Burt_Macklin
Guest
… And the Zen master says, “Wait and let’s see.”
There is no way to know what outcome would be better in the long run. By encouraging immoral behavior you can set yourself up for consequences not even the wisest person could have predicted. And not practicing faithfulness now will only make things more difficult when there are other moral conundrums. How will a woman who has never had to face difficulty react when, say, 15 years down the road she has to face fertility problems? Or what happens if she meets the “love her life” after she is already married?
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KatieM2
Guest
I think you should have a woman too woman conversation with your daughter to establish whether she and her boyfriend are sinning. If they are, you owe it to her to do everything you can to save her, and to enlist your husband’s leadership in that noble goal.
It may well be that you have raised a decent and Godly young woman who would never commit this mortal sin and that she has fallen for a man with similarly good morals. If so, offering her contraception could cause her to question the moral leadership and guidance her parents have given her, resulting in her being tempted into the very behavior you want to prevent.
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Cricket2
Guest
Your daughter is 17. You need to ask her and make it your business because it is. She needs to remember the significance of being sexually active in term of your Faith and her responsibilities. The birth control idea only encourages extra-marital sex.
Some might suggest her activities with her boyfriend are not your business. They are wrong. I would remind the boyfriend of his responsibilities if she gets pregnant. I am not sure were all the business comes from of parents not wanting to keep up on what their kids are up to.
I lived at home to go to college, as there was no way to afford it otherwise. But even then, as an adult, my family knew who I was with, where I was and why. It was my parents home and their rules and I lived by them. I think a little more of this would help a lot of kids stay out of unintended trouble.
My cousins were chaperoned on all of their dates. I know that is old fashioned, but it sure did prevent premarital sex. And it never hurt them a bit.
Some might suggest her activities with her boyfriend are not your business. They are wrong. I would remind the boyfriend of his responsibilities if she gets pregnant. I am not sure were all the business comes from of parents not wanting to keep up on what their kids are up to.
I lived at home to go to college, as there was no way to afford it otherwise. But even then, as an adult, my family knew who I was with, where I was and why. It was my parents home and their rules and I lived by them. I think a little more of this would help a lot of kids stay out of unintended trouble.
My cousins were chaperoned on all of their dates. I know that is old fashioned, but it sure did prevent premarital sex. And it never hurt them a bit.
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Jobis
Guest
She has to stop seeing this boy romantically, unless he is a Christian and serious about it, it is just not a good situation to be in at all. Being a boy, I know we can be tempted to have sex very easily, especially if our peers are all doing it, and throwing an emotional teenage girlfriend into the equation is a recipe for disaster. It sounds cruel but honestly at her age your daughter has no business having a boyfriend; it will distract her from her work, upset her emotionally and take up all her spare time, leaving her no time to cultivate her interests and the like. I don’t know how you can persuade her to break up, but protecting her now by being the parents of her nightmares will make her a lot happier in the long run. Remember that the more extra-marital partners a woman has the less likely she is to have a successful marriage, take control of the situation, but most of all follow your conscience and do what you believe is right for her!
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Sarcelle
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The poor child. He doesn’t understand why mommy is leaving him.
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heidi_storage
Guest
Bit late for that; the girl is almost a legal adult, and they’ve been going out for three years. I don’t think this would be a good way to proceed. I think the replies advising the OP to stop reminding her daughter that premarital sex is bad, and to have a good, honest conversation with her about the relationship, contain the most sensible advice.
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Anglewannabe
Guest
Perhaps, but it could equate to a baby sensing their presence is not welcome by the grandparents
And some live unsuccessfully. My grandfather made my aunts life horrid when he lived with her and her kids
That is your opinion and I respect it. My opinion deserves equal respect. My brother was adopted and I wasn’t. I know first hand how well adopted children can be treated. I would not force my child to give up the baby, if they choose to keep their child they would have to get their own place.
I never said I would not give emotional support
God gave everyone free will. I would not be responsible if they chose to hide their sins from me.
Just because your sister was fortunate to be able to live at home with her baby does not make it a grandparents responsibility
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Grace_Angel
Guest
Please tell your husband its really bad for his daughter’s health and gives her permission to do what you all are thinking she will do. Putting her on pill says to her “I know you will do what you will do but don’t get pregnant” The pill is also one of the risk factors of breast cancer. Its an avoidable one.
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Joe_5859
Guest
I think this is a good point to consider. My parents did not talk to me about sex at all (fortunately for me, the morality impressed upon me via Catholic schooling always made sense to me and it “stuck”). But if my mom or dad was reminding me about abstinence monthly, it would have made me extremely uncomfortable and it would have bothered me that my parents thought I was possibly doing such things. I would have wondered why they had such a low opinion of me. I would think it would be preferable to have one more forthright conversation rather than monthly lectures filled with vague suspicions.
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QuestioningAll
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Ok, OP, so you’ve had a whole 5 pages of replies to your question…can I just add my 2c worth? My experience:
My husband and I started being a “couple” when I was 13 and he was 15. Of course, at that age neither of us had a car or licence so we had to wait until our families got together (they were great friends before we were). We wrote letters when we couldn’t see each other (often only saw each other once a month). When he got his licence at 18 (legal age in Australia) he’d come visit each weekend for a day. Right up until we were married, we only saw each other 2-3 times a week and no texting or anything (that wasn’t quite in in the late 90s). We married when I was 20 and he was 22.
I always had a great relationship with my mother but the only thing we argued about was my boyfriend (now husband). She did not trust me to do the right thing and abstain. Both of us were committed to abstaining, but she did not trust me to stick to it and that hurt. (That may be why your daughter gets annoyed at you. It annoyed me when my mother obviously didn’t trust me.) Sometimes I thought of “doing it” just to get back at her, but I knew that that was the wrong reason and it would wreck our relationship. We abstained until we married.
So don’t give your daughter birth control and don’t ask her about her sex life - there may not be one! And she’ll be mortified if you do. The fact that they’ve been together for so long actually makes me think that they aren’t having sex. Statistics show that the average teenage relationship only lasts 2 weeks after sex starts. ** Trust her**, and if she does disappoint and end up pregnant, support her. Life does not end with pregnancy.
The only other thing I’d suggest is that maybe they see each other a little less. However if she’s maintaining other friendships and is not totally focused on him, then I wouldn’t worry too much about it.
Is there anyone you trust who could act as a mentor? If she feels she needs one. Not all teens are sexually active - it’s just Hollywood trying to make them so…
Sorry, that turned into more like $2 worth.
My husband and I started being a “couple” when I was 13 and he was 15. Of course, at that age neither of us had a car or licence so we had to wait until our families got together (they were great friends before we were). We wrote letters when we couldn’t see each other (often only saw each other once a month). When he got his licence at 18 (legal age in Australia) he’d come visit each weekend for a day. Right up until we were married, we only saw each other 2-3 times a week and no texting or anything (that wasn’t quite in in the late 90s). We married when I was 20 and he was 22.
I always had a great relationship with my mother but the only thing we argued about was my boyfriend (now husband). She did not trust me to do the right thing and abstain. Both of us were committed to abstaining, but she did not trust me to stick to it and that hurt. (That may be why your daughter gets annoyed at you. It annoyed me when my mother obviously didn’t trust me.) Sometimes I thought of “doing it” just to get back at her, but I knew that that was the wrong reason and it would wreck our relationship. We abstained until we married.
So don’t give your daughter birth control and don’t ask her about her sex life - there may not be one! And she’ll be mortified if you do. The fact that they’ve been together for so long actually makes me think that they aren’t having sex. Statistics show that the average teenage relationship only lasts 2 weeks after sex starts. ** Trust her**, and if she does disappoint and end up pregnant, support her. Life does not end with pregnancy.
The only other thing I’d suggest is that maybe they see each other a little less. However if she’s maintaining other friendships and is not totally focused on him, then I wouldn’t worry too much about it.
Is there anyone you trust who could act as a mentor? If she feels she needs one. Not all teens are sexually active - it’s just Hollywood trying to make them so…
Sorry, that turned into more like $2 worth.
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SuperLuigi
Guest
This stand out to me.
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eatpraylove11
Guest
Just playing devil’s advocate here…did you ever think she may already be on some type of birth control and just has not told you? That is, if she’s even having sex at all…
That being said, I am a teacher and know a few girls on BC. One of them had such a hard time with acne that her doctor recommended it and her parents gave consent. It has some benefits other than preventing pregnancy, I suppose.
That being said, I am a teacher and know a few girls on BC. One of them had such a hard time with acne that her doctor recommended it and her parents gave consent. It has some benefits other than preventing pregnancy, I suppose.
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eatpraylove11
Guest
Well said!!
Especially since your daughter is dating such a nice kid, give them the benefit of the doubt…But I do understand as a mother, you are entitled to worry.
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