Husband who doesn't like to be intimate

[Katarinita1]

Dear, I am so sorry you are going through this. Of course you feel rejected and unattractive. I’ve been there. Be assured that it almost certainly has nothing to do with you.

Inigo is right, what your husband is doing is a grave sin. Is he Catholic? Does he understand the Catholic teaching about marital sexuality?

A couple of thoughts. Obviously I can’t know this since I don’t know your husband and don’t have much information to work with, but one thing running through my head is that your husband may have a secret addiction to pornography. Men who have been using pornography a lot for a long time have difficulty being attracted to a real woman and to acting on the attraction when they feel it. They can get so accustomed to the ease with which they can bring themselves to climax that they cannot climax during normal intercourse.

Or your husband can have an abnormal fear of pregnancy. He needs to understand NFP so he can trust it, but I am even more concerned about his possible rejection of the idea of parenthood. As Catholics, we are to be open to life, and although using NFP is licit in certain situations, this intense fear of pregnancy when there is no life or death need to avoid it is in itself a concern. You say he has a good job, so I don’t know what the great fear would be about. Does he not want to provide for a wife and family?

Please talk to a priest ASAP, preferably together. I am concerned that there may be an impediment against your husband contracting a valid marriage, and IF that is true, it’s better to know sooner rather than later. If not, then there may be medical or psychological problems that should be dealt with immediately.

Thank you for your comment!
My husband is that type of a man that doesn’t need sex. He is very careful to remain pure. He doesn’t have time to watch porn, trust me. And definitely he doesn’t have a problem with attraction towards me. He ejects very fast and he feels sorry that I don’t enjoy it. I will try to make more research about this because we both had no idea that what we are doing is (might be) a sin. We ar both Catholics and we wanna do things right, we just don’t know, we are new in marriage. I am glad I wrote here, because It’s very helpful, so thank you!

 

[Katarinita1]

Good grief, I hope this doesn’t scare away the poor OP from the thread…she never hinted towards porn and lack of a valid marriage. She was just lamenting her husband’s lack of interest in sex… Don’t you think this is taking her question a bit too far at this point?

Yes yes! Thank you! We don’t have a problem with porn, but with sex itself. It’s like we grew up in catholic environment which is always teaching about how not to be addicted to sex. Well, I feel like we are the opposite. I feel like we are afraid to have sex, It’s more stressful than enjoyable! I believe I am talking in behalf of my husband too.

 

[Katarinita1]

No, I don’t. She posted wanting advice, and it is impossible even to begin advising without considering all the possibilities. The two scenarios above are not rare. Addiction to pornography in particular is very common, and when she described what happens that’s what I immediately thought of. I said myself that I can’t know for sure – how could I? – but whatever the problem is, it sounds like a serious one to me.

I am still very confused with all your answers and I feel like in denial how serous this is. I just don’t understand it. Why my husband doesn’t need sex too much? (to explain this: My husband likes to have sex- but maybe like once in a month and it takes maybe like 15min.) Why is it a sin when we avoid that he’d eject inside? You know what I mean?

 

[Kensho]

I am still very confused with all your answers and I feel like in denial how serous this is. I just don’t understand it. Why my husband doesn’t need sex too much? (to explain this: My husband likes to have sex- but maybe like once in a month and it takes maybe like 15min.) Why is it a sin when we avoid that he’d eject inside? You know what I mean?

In Catholic marriage, sexual intercourse is supposed to be open to the creation of new life. That doesn’t mean that sex is only for making babies or that you have to only have sex when a baby is possible, but it does mean that you have to follow the natural law. That means no use of artificial birth control, and the man is supposed to “finish” inside the woman, in the proper place. There are more ways to explain this that would go into greater detail and you can find some clearly written articles about that on this website, but that’s your problem, very briefly.

If your husband is only interested in sex about once a month, that is unusual for a healthy young man, especially a newlywed, but not necessarily “wrong”. It becomes a problem if you are unsatisfied with that and he is not willing to accommodate you. You yourself sense that something is missing and feel sad, which is why you posted.

What really worries me is the great fear of pregnancy when there doesn’t seem to be (from what you posted) a serious reason to avoid it. I’m not saying you are obligated to get pregnant, only that such an extreme fear in your circumstances sounds unfounded and could signal a possible problem. That is why I recommended talking to a priest, who could also straighten you out about what is permissable in the marriage bed.

Of course, if neither of you knew that your husband’s actions were sinful, then you aren’t subjectively guilty of sin.

I’m sorry if my response was over the top. I gather you are from a different culture than I am. In my culture, your husband’s behavior could very well point to porn use or some other problem of that nature. Perhaps that is not such a problem in your culture. Nonetheless, your unhappiness deserves to be dealt with. I wish you the best.

 

[johnsmith2025]

At Katarinita — Sorry for interrupting here Katarina, but, I received the private message you sent. However, when I tried to reply with an answer to your question, the message system said you can’t receive messages.
So, if you’ll e-mail me, that would be fine.
My e-mail address is: johnsmith2025@yahoo.com

John

 

[mayxanh]

I am still very confused with all your answers and I feel like in denial how serous this is. I just don’t understand it. Why my husband doesn’t need sex too much? (to explain this: My husband likes to have sex- but maybe like once in a month and it takes maybe like 15min.) Why is it a sin when we avoid that he’d eject inside? You know what I mean?

Are you husband GAY?

Many married woman are similar situation as yours and finally find out that their husbands are GAY and have affairs with some guy.

Please do not feel offended.

 

[misscaylor]

Hi Katarinita,

NFP can be tough and it's really helped my husband and I to think of it a team activity. We decided to have him be in charge of the chart.  I take my temperature in the morning and then every night I tell him what it was and what my "feelings" were and he is in charge of doing the charting and figuring out what times are "safe".  Maybe if your husband had the actual data at his fingertips he'd feel more confident about initiating intimate moments with you.  It also keeps us in constant communication about the most intimate part of our lives.  It's important to be able to talk about this stuff easily.  
 We also have a theory that the "safe" times are when we feel the least like "doin' it".   We always REALLY want to when I'm fertile, but neither of us feel really excited about it once we actually CAN.  Men can sense pheremones and stuff and are naturally more attracted to us at fertile times and less at non fertile times, also, ladies are naturally programmed to be more interested when there bodies are most fertile.    This might be a contributing factor to why it doesn't happen that often, especially since sometimes the number of days you can do it per month are so limited anyway.   :)

 

[Rico_S]

Good grief, I hope this doesn’t scare away the poor OP from the thread…she never hinted towards porn and lack of a valid marriage. She was just lamenting her husband’s lack of interest in sex… Don’t you think this is taking her question a bit too far at this point?

What? This is CAF. This is what we do!!! It is the solemn responsibility of the CAF poster to leave no stone uncovered when looking for sin and selfishness…or at the very least the potential for sin…or occasions that are very close to near occasions of sin. And never let the opportunity pass to proclaim the Truth…for proclaiming the Truth with the warmth of a steel rail is undoubtedly the finest evangelical technique ever! (well at least the most used here by CAF posters).

So now we have the “maybe your husband is gay” line posted. I am shocked no one has accused her of of being a sex craved lunatic…reminding her that one doesn’t need sex…and asking her is she would leave her husband if he were injured in an accident and was physically unable to have sex again! (of course, this is a tact usually reserved for the men). This place rocks!!

To the OP:

Yes, this does sound a bit off that you are newly weds, waited until marriage for each other, and now he seems fairly disinterested. But, to give him the benefit of the doubt, there were times when I was petrified of my wife getting pregnant for various reasons and I became fairly disinterested in sex myself. So I don’t think it is incredibly far fetched that this is an important factor in why he is disinterested.

It’s like we grew up in catholic environment which is always teaching about how not to be addicted to sex. Well, I feel like we are the opposite. I feel like we are afraid to have sex, It’s more stressful than enjoyable! I believe I am talking in behalf of my husband too.

Well perhaps just a little couples counseling might be a good thing. Doesn’t sound llike you have serious issues, but maybe a little talking, with the help of a good counselor, might just get things to where you would like them to be. I wouldn’t hit the panic button yet.

 

[Em_in_FL]

I’m surprised no one has mentioned medical issues…???
Could he be having some issues with his testosterone levels? I think he should speak to his doctor about this issue and try to address it medically.

You said he’s an engineer. Numbers oriented. Might have difficulty in general relating to people. Basically a very nice and decent person. But a little awkward in personal situations.

I find this both humorous and insulting.
Believe me… being an engineer does NOT mean you you necessarily have people issues or are lacking in the sex department.

 

[Em_in_FL]

Speaking of medical stuff… certain medications can have side effects that make things more difficult…
Again… stuff to look into. Talk to a doctor!!!

 

[Kensho]

What? This is CAF. This is what we do!!! It is the solemn responsibility of the CAF poster to leave no stone uncovered when looking for sin and selfishness…or at the very least the potential for sin…or occasions that are very close to near occasions of sin. And never let the opportunity pass to proclaim the Truth…for proclaiming the Truth with the warmth of a steel rail is undoubtedly the finest evangelical technique ever! (well at least the most used here by CAF posters).

Now, now.

This is not about accusing anyone of sin and selfishness. This is about throwing out possibilities for the wife to consider. Why would she post about her problem if she doesn’t want to know other’s thoughts? And our thoughts will be formed by our experiences – those who have had experience with medical problems will mention those, others who’ve had more serious marital difficulties will be concerned about that possibility. After all, we don’t know her husband and we know little about their backgrounds or the culture in which they live.

 

[mayxanh]

So now we have the “maybe your husband is gay” line posted. I am shocked no one has accused her of of being a sex craved lunatic…reminding her that one doesn’t need sex…and asking her is she would leave her husband if he were injured in an accident and was physically unable to have sex again! (of course, this is a tact usually reserved for the men). This place rocks!!

What’s wrong with my genuine question? I saw a bunch of similar stories from online journals. One of my friend who is GAY also told me his version. He thought he could get over his SSA tendancy after getting married with a woman. But it turned out that he was wrong. Finally, he told his wife the truth and they got divorced. Both of them are Catholics.

 

[Debora123]

My problem is as simple as it gets. My husband doesn’t like to make love… In general… He’s never been into physical stuff. I didn’t mind before we got married because we wanted to remain virgins until marriage, but now I am confused.
I am sure is better this way in many levels. We get to spend more time talking but often I feel like we are lacking emotions, real romance and so on. We just got married but I feel empty and it kills my feelings for him.
We are using NFP, trying to avoid pregnancy because I am a student and we want to wait for me to finish. Do you have any experience with this? How can I change so I wouldn’t want it anymore, or make my husband to have sex with me more than once a month?! I think he feels afraid that he will get me pregnant. He is very responsible. I don’t know what else I can share that would give you the correct idea, but please, If you can, give me some advice! Thank you so much.

He should probably see a doctor. This isn’t normal.

 

[Debora123]

What? This is CAF. This is what we do!!! It is the solemn responsibility of the CAF poster to leave no stone uncovered when looking for sin and selfishness…or at the very least the potential for sin…or occasions that are very close to near occasions of sin. And never let the opportunity pass to proclaim the Truth…for proclaiming the Truth with the warmth of a steel rail is undoubtedly the finest evangelical technique ever! (well at least the most used here by CAF posters).

So now we have the “maybe your husband is gay” line posted. I am shocked no one has accused her of of being a sex craved lunatic…reminding her that one doesn’t need sex…and asking her is she would leave her husband if he were injured in an accident and was physically unable to have sex again! (of course, this is a tact usually reserved for the men). This place rocks!!

Hit the nail on the head, Rico.

 

[28562]

Does he want to desire sex more?

You said he doesn’t last long…perhaps it is a confidence issue that makes him afraid to have sex more often?

 

[underacloud]

There are many potential reasons why your husband may not be seemingly interested in intimacy. Based on what you’ve said so far, my initial thoughts are:

a) He may have great fears about pregnancy at this time, and may not at all trust NFP. Given he is withdrawing (which as others have addressed is considered a sin), I’d say he really doesn’t understand fertility in general (withdrawal is not a reliable way to avoid pregnancy anyway), let alone trust NFP.

b) If he is finishing quite quickly, and is apologetic because of it, he may have performance anxiety. If sex is stressful because he fears that he can’t please you, this could manifest as him seemingly being uninterested. Men generally avoid doing anything they feel they aren’t very good at.

c) Some sort of medical issue, such as low testosterone.

d) All of the above.

The good news is that all of these things can likely be overcome. Look into a reliable NFP system and share the process with him. Reassure him that intimacy is great even if it is quick sometimes. If he does have premature ejaculation issues, there are things that can be done. He should discuss this, and his general health, with his doctor. If he has low testosterone or another medical reason for a low sex drive, his doctor should be able to help.

(PS I wouldn’t explore the gay issue at this stage. Asking your husband if he is gay is not likely to help establish greater marital intimacy. Straight men do not typically respond well to this sort of questioning, so it would be very risky.)

 

[Katarinita1]

There are many potential reasons why your husband may not be seemingly interested in intimacy. Based on what you’ve said so far, my initial thoughts are:

a) He may have great fears about pregnancy at this time, and may not at all trust NFP. Given he is withdrawing (which as others have addressed is considered a sin), I’d say he really doesn’t understand fertility in general (withdrawal is not a reliable way to avoid pregnancy anyway), let alone trust NFP.

b) If he is finishing quite quickly, and is apologetic because of it, he may have performance anxiety. If sex is stressful because he fears that he can’t please you, this could manifest as him seemingly being uninterested. Men generally avoid doing anything they feel they aren’t very good at.

c) Some sort of medical issue, such as low testosterone.

d) All of the above.

The good news is that all of these things can likely be overcome. Look into a reliable NFP system and share the process with him. Reassure him that intimacy is great even if it is quick sometimes. If he does have premature ejaculation issues, there are things that can be done. He should discuss this, and his general health, with his doctor. If he has low testosterone or another medical reason for a low sex drive, his doctor should be able to help.

(PS I wouldn’t explore the gay issue at this stage. Asking your husband if he is gay is not likely to help establish greater marital intimacy. Straight men do not typically respond well to this sort of questioning, so it would be very risky.)

Finally something normal to this topic. Thank you. I will ignore the comment about my husband being a GAY. If I was suspicious he likes boys I’d write about that instead. I know my husband. I think your b, point is something new and It’s quite possible that the combination of all of these things are causing our problems. We talked about it and decided to follow NFP strictly and not do what we’ve done in past so I believe is moving forward.
Thank you all for your comments.

 

[Kensho]

Finally something normal to this topic. Thank you. I will ignore the comment about my husband being a GAY. If I was suspicious he likes boys I’d write about that instead. I know my husband. I think your b, point is something new and It’s quite possible that the combination of all of these things are causing our problems. We talked about it and decided to follow NFP strictly and not do what we’ve done in past so I believe is moving forward.
Thank you all for your comments.

OP, I am glad that you spoke to your husband and that it looks as though things will improve. I sincerely hope that the problem is not serious. Please be aware, though, that although a couple of suggestions do not seem “normal” to you, they are common enough problems that many of us are aware of them and consider them to be a possibility, if only a remote one. No offense was meant.

To the snarky posters: Is it possible to disagree respectfully with people who post things that seem over the top to you? Some of us take time and post from the heart, writing from our own experience and that of people we know. Mocking and belittling people who have taken the time to write out of concern for a forum member is unkind.

 

[Lance_O]

We talked about it and decided to follow NFP strictly and not do what we’ve done in past so I believe is moving forward.Thank you all for your comments.

Hi Katarinita1. Good luck to both of you and congratulations on being newly weds!

Did you and your husband take a NFP class and if so did you find it informative? I ask just incase the reason he doesn’t trust NFP is because he doesn’t understand it. I saw reference that you use a method that takes the temp, but didn’t list the specific method used. Another reason I ask for clarification, is that I have friends who have ‘read about it on the internet’, but never took a class and then they get pregnant and they label “NFP a complete failure” even though they were not using it properly.

Some NFP methods are way more stronger on the medical side than others and have a series of classes to make sure the users are learning it properly. Models like the Creighton Model were developed by a doctor at the Pope Paul VI Institute, has a hour long Intro session dealing all on A&P of the monthly cycle and has six follow-up meetings for the couples at different time intervals. Creighton (ovulation method) is also has very good success at treating infertility issues ( I know you are in the ‘postponing stage’ right now) due to specific training designed just for doctors. Also, the Couple Couple League offers a series of classes (not just one session that might be 60 mins long) and is a sympto-thermal method of NFP.

If you never did take an actual class, I encourage you to research all the methods: Creighton, Billings, Marquette, Sympto-Thermal (by the CCL) and find the one the best suits you. If you already took a NFP class and feel that you didn’t learn enough to trust it, then it may be worth looking into switching methods. Once again, best of luck to you and may God Bless your and your husband.

 

[epan]

Please don’t take this the wrong way, but maybe he is gay.

My dad was a devout Catholic who drank himself to death by the age of 41. My mom tells me that he was extremely affectionate until they were married, and then did not approach her on their wedding night. The fact that they had two kids defies all odds, considering the number of times that they had sex. All of his coworkers thought that he was gay. Now, my mom is pretty much convinced that he was gay.

He was a very good man, extremely successful, and the dad that every kid dreamed of while he lived. He achieved more in his short life than most men do in twice the time. But he was tortured by his sexuality and trying to reconcile it with his strongly held religious beliefs.

This might not be the case with your husband, but you must consider it if he is not sexually attracted to women.

Good luck.