husband won't work

[rayne89]

The husband does work. He’s not a particularily motivated person, probably a person afraid of change. Do I think he’ll change by her putting her foot down. Nope.

My husband recently was laid off and had to accept a big paycut at a new job he was offered in a totally different industry - he’s basically starting over. The Michigan economy is really scary right now. I used to work less than 10 hours a week at retail job I’ve had for seven years. And before that I worked at another retail company before they went bankrupt. I’ve worked pretty much since we were married when I was 18 years old. After our daughter was born I worked very little but always kept a job just in case. I considered myself a stay-at home mom because for the most part I was. Now I work about 25 hours a week -I’d work more if it the hours were available. I have worked full time hours when my husband has been laid off in the past. And I have health problems but I manage.

We’ve always worked opposite shifts, so there is no daycare. On the rare occasion our shifts overlapped my parents or a close family friend filled in the gaps.

I see our family as a team, we do what we have to get by. I never ever make my husband feel like he isn’t man enough if we’re struggling financially. He has always worked, if he was laid off he aggressively looked for work. It’s hard, physical work, it’s not a desk job. I am proud of how he supports us, and do my best to help when we need it.

This woman’s husband has been this way for a very long time. Sometimes life doesn’t go as we planned so we have to change our plans. If she wants to get off of welfare she needs to find a job. While I certainly sympathize with the op, she wants her husband to change and yet she seems to dig in when it comes to changing herself. The only person we can change is ourselves.

 

[maria29]

I always find these threads sad too because it again turns women who work outside the home as some horrible thing. I wish more people would acknowledge that in many cases both parents have to work to just make ends meet. Its not about providing the latest toys, materials, and gadgets its about feeding your children and putting a roof over your head.

When I start to get sad about having to work, I offer it up and give thanks that I at least do i have job. My child has a safe place to live and grow up in. My job saves me hundreds of dollars in groceries so i’m able to put good and healthy food on the table.

It is better if one can stay home while children are younger but sometimes (and for many more often than not) its just not part of reality. The OP is receiving WIC she’ll proably qualify for free daycare if she had to get a job during the day. If she doesn’t want to do that then again there are overnite positions.

 

[whatevergirl]

The husband does work. He’s not a particularily motivated person, probably a person afraid of change. Do I think he’ll change by her putting her foot down. Nope.

My husband recently was laid off and had to accept a big paycut at a new job he was offered in a totally different industry - he’s basically starting over. The Michigan economy is really scary right now. I used to work less than 10 hours a week at retail job I’ve had for seven years. And before that I worked at another retail company before they went bankrupt. I’ve worked pretty much since we were married when I was 18 years old. After our daughter was born I worked very little but always kept a job just in case. I considered myself a stay-at home mom because for the most part I was. Now I work about 25 hours a week -I’d work more if it the hours were available. I have worked full time hours when my husband has been laid off in the past. And I have health problems but I manage.

We’ve always worked opposite shifts, so there is no daycare. On the rare occasion our shifts overlapped my parents or a close family friend filled in the gaps.

I see our family as a team, we do what we have to get by. I never ever make my husband feel like he isn’t man enough if we’re struggling financially. He has always worked, if he was laid off he aggressively looked for work. It’s hard, physical work, it’s not a desk job. I am proud of how he supports us, and do my best to help when we need it.

This woman’s husband has been this way for a very long time. Sometimes life doesn’t go as we planned so we have to change our plans. If she wants to get off of welfare she needs to find a job. While I certainly sympathize with the op, she wants her husband to change and yet she seems to dig in when it comes to changing herself. The only person we can change is ourselves.

hey now, you are the second person knocking a ‘desk job…’ I work in an office, and it’s hard work too!

LOL

I just had to say that!!!

 

[rayne89]

hey now, you are the second person knocking a ‘desk job…’ I work in an office, and it’s hard work too!

LOL

I just had to say that!!!

Oh I’m not knocking a desk job. My dad had a desk job, he was an engineer (before he retired) and I’m very proud of him. What I really meant is it’s blue collar work, he needs to shower before anything else when he gets home.

 

[whatevergirl]

Oh I’m not knocking a desk job. My dad had a desk job, he was an engineer (before he retired) and I’m very proud of him. What I really meant is it’s blue collar work, he needs to shower before anything else when he gets home.

teasin ya rayne.

Ya know, I have a newfound respect for non-office jobs…when we moved from PA, and then did another move a few months ago to another home here in Florida…Holy smokes, it was hard work. I really couldn’t believe it. So, when I drive by construction workers, or landscapers…I feel like bowing down to them, because I really would last a day on such a job, and probably would quit. I have become spoiled in my job–while it’s mentally taxing…it’s not anywhere near what we went through with moving.

 

[mesurman]

The OP stated that he works long hours. I’d hardly call him a
“lazy A??” Maybe he’s misguided, but definitely not lazy. It’s great that you work hard for your family, but you have no right to jump on a man who is also working hard for his. I work my bum off for my family, and my primary job as a skilled musician pays well below the poverty line. Am I also a lazy A??

Naomi, is it possible for him to get into a graduate program at a local university or one of the accredited distance universities? It probably wouldn’t even have to be in the field of economics. Perhaps an MBA or something would be right up his alley.

The OP said her husband won’t work. And I do not think you are lazy, I do not even know you. I didn’t call him a lazy A?? I said get his lazy A?? off the couch. Some men need a kick to get them going. It sounds like the OP’s husband needs a jump start and his wife shouldn’t have to wonder where the next meal is coming from, that is his job.

 

[mesurman]

The OP stated that he works long hours. I’d hardly call him a
“lazy A??” Maybe he’s misguided, but definitely not lazy. It’s great that you work hard for your family, but you have no right to jump on a man who is also working hard for his. I work my bum off for my family, and my primary job as a skilled musician pays well below the poverty line. Am I also a lazy A??

Naomi, is it possible for him to get into a graduate program at a local university or one of the accredited distance universities? It probably wouldn’t even have to be in the field of economics. Perhaps an MBA or something would be right up his alley.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I always find these threads sad too because it again turns women who work outside the home as some horrible thing. I wish more people would acknowledge that in many cases both parents have to work to just make ends meet. Its not about providing the latest toys, materials, and gadgets its about feeding your children and putting a roof over your head.

When I start to get sad about having to work, I offer it up and give thanks that I at least do i have job. My child has a safe place to live and grow up in. My job saves me hundreds of dollars in groceries so i’m able to put good and healthy food on the table.

It is better if one can stay home while children are younger but sometimes (and for many more often than not) its just not part of reality. The OP is receiving WIC she’ll proably qualify for free daycare if she had to get a job during the day. If she doesn’t want to do that then again there are overnite positions.

**I am one who is “for” a mom (or dad, as the case may be) staying home with the kids (right up until they are out of the home). But in no way do I think that ALL families with two working parents are in the wrong or selfish people.

But, just because you work because you have to (as do most of the working moms here at CAF) that doesn’t negate the fact that out in the real world (i.e secular, materialistic society) there are many many couples who see NO value in having either parent stay home and are perfectly content to allow a stranger to raise their children. Not sure how the government works there in the US, but here in Canada it is extremely biased in favor of dual income families and doesn’t do much of anything to support single income familes.**
**
You admit that you believe it is “better” if one parent can stay home to raise the children. So I am betting you also have a problem with the couples who do not see the value of their families and treat their children as possessions…or something they are entitled to.

**

 

[maria29]

**I am one who is “for” a mom (or dad, as the case may be) staying home with the kids (right up until they are out of the home). But in no way do I think that ALL families with two working parents are in the wrong or selfish people.

But, just because you work because you have to (as do most of the working moms here at CAF) that doesn’t negate the fact that out in the real world (i.e secular, materialistic society) there are many many couples who see NO value in having either parent stay home and are perfectly content to allow a stranger to raise their children. Not sure how the government works there in the US, but here in Canada it is extremely biased in favor of dual income families and doesn’t do much of anything to support single income familes.**
**
You admit that you believe it is “better” if one parent can stay home to raise the children. So I am betting you also have a problem with the couples who do not see the value of their families and treat their children as possessions…or something they are entitled to.

**

The reality is that at least here in the US its extremely hard to have two parents stay home and be able to pay bills, provide food, a SAFE place to live and clothing (not talking designers). I realize that certain areas of the US the cost of living is extremely cheap. And families who do not have a large debt to income ratio may also find it easy to do so.

I recognize there are families where both work and don’t need to. Thus just leaving their child to languish in daycare etc. But I would say at least here in the US the majority of women working are doing it because they have to.

 

[sanctamaria17]

I always find these threads sad too because it again turns women who work outside the home as some horrible thing. I wish more people would acknowledge that in many cases both parents have to work to just make ends meet. Its not about providing the latest toys, materials, and gadgets its about feeding your children and putting a roof over your head.

When I start to get sad about having to work, I offer it up and give thanks that I at least do i have job. My child has a safe place to live and grow up in. My job saves me hundreds of dollars in groceries so i’m able to put good and healthy food on the table.

It is better if one can stay home while children are younger but sometimes (and for many more often than not) its just not part of reality. The OP is receiving WIC she’ll proably qualify for free daycare if she had to get a job during the day. If she doesn’t want to do that then again there are overnite positions.

I agree with you, maria. Especially in this economy and depending on where you live (some states are more expensive than others and it isn’t always possible to move. And some of the cheapest places aren’t always the best or most conducive to raising a family). Many women HAVE to work.

And, off topic, but should a woman like having a career, as long as she puts the needs of her family first, I don’t think it’s wrong. St. Gianna Molla pursued a medical career and her husband was an engineer. I don’t think anyone would dare accuse her of bad parenting, especially considering what she did for her littlest child.

 

[Pro-Life_Teen]

See, the problem here is that he does work. Quite a lot, in fact, merely for not a lot of pay. And a good deal of us are sitting here saying that he should get 2 jobs, or get off his a??.

She can work too. He works 6 days a week, I assume he takes Sunday off. It wouldn’t be sinful of her to work on Sundays, even that should help a little bit. Or weekends in general- a teenage neighbor could babysit, her eldest could even help at 12. A family member maybe?

Being able to stay at home and be a mom is wonderful, but if you need money to live- get the money. When things get more stable you could return to being a stay-at-home.

It isn’t really easy to change jobs after a long time. If he works 6 days a week, when would he have time to find this new job? He certainly can’t quit.

These threads always turn into spouse-bashing. Usually the spouse [or fiance, boyfriend- usually a man] being posted about is turned into something of a villain. I know people want to vent and this is a good place to get advice, but these are your other-halves! One doesn’t vow to honour and cherish, then write negative things online about the very same person. Personal problems are personal, not to be shared.

This woman’s husband works, every day, for long hours. All the financial responsibility is his, and he isn’t doing well. I bet quite a lot he knows this, and it’s stressful. He took anti-depressants, yes? Well, after the joke about killing sex drive, let’s think about that. He was on medication for depression- depressed people are ill, they don’t like work or even leave bed. But he works. He’s a stressed and possibly depressed father of 4 whose wife doesn’t provide any income, can you imagine being in that situation and deciding to leave the job you have and try to start over?

… Dear God in Heaven, provide for this family and help them through this. Give each the strength they need to do what must be done, and watch over them every day of their lives. Amen.

 

[whatevergirl]

See, the problem here is that he does work. Quite a lot, in fact, merely for not a lot of pay. And a good deal of us are sitting here saying that he should get 2 jobs, or get off his a??.

She can work too. He works 6 days a week, I assume he takes Sunday off. It wouldn’t be sinful of her to work on Sundays, even that should help a little bit. Or weekends in general- a teenage neighbor could babysit, her eldest could even help at 12. A family member maybe?

Being able to stay at home and be a mom is wonderful, but if you need money to live- get the money. When things get more stable you could return to being a stay-at-home.

It isn’t really easy to change jobs after a long time. If he works 6 days a week, when would he have time to find this new job? He certainly can’t quit.

These threads always turn into spouse-bashing. Usually the spouse [or fiance, boyfriend- usually a man] being posted about is turned into something of a villain. I know people want to vent and this is a good place to get advice, but these are your other-halves! One doesn’t vow to honour and cherish, then write negative things online about the very same person. Personal problems are personal, not to be shared.

This woman’s husband works, every day, for long hours. All the financial responsibility is his, and he isn’t doing well. I bet quite a lot he knows this, and it’s stressful. He took anti-depressants, yes? Well, after the joke about killing sex drive, let’s think about that. He was on medication for depression- depressed people are ill, they don’t like work or even leave bed. But he works. He’s a stressed and possibly depressed father of 4 whose wife doesn’t provide any income, can you imagine being in that situation and deciding to leave the job you have and try to start over?

… Dear God in Heaven, provide for this family and help them through this. Give each the strength they need to do what must be done, and watch over them every day of their lives. Amen.

What a great post.

 

[Naomi]

I’m not going to support a woman bashing her husband in public for not making enough to support her in the lifestyle she wants. You brought this to the public forum for public opinions of your situation. We only hear one side of the story. Your husband isn’t represented here.

Trying to make your husband look lazy and using that as a scapegoat and an excuse to leave him is not a faithful Catholic life view. Sorry you don’t like my tough love. To each his own.

Your situation is NOT unique. It is happening all over the US where women expected to be able to stay at home, but their working class husband can’t support it anymore. It really is not personal about you, but look at the economy.
If you want something to blame, blame the economy, not your husband.

I suggest orthodox Catholic counseling for yourself, if you can’t get to marriage counseling with him.

i put you on my ignore list . how did you get here?

 

[Naomi]

I’m leaving the forum . Most of you will have to find another puppy to stomp .

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I’m leaving the forum . Most of you will have to find another puppy to stomp .

**
I hope that you at least got some helpful advice or something that will help you change your current situation… prayers for you and your family. I hope you don’t leave for good.**

 

[Pro-Life_Teen]

I’m leaving the forum . Most of you will have to find another puppy to stomp .

The point was never to harass you into leaving. Puppy? Are you referring to yourself or your husband? Unfortunately both were bashed in varying degrees, and I did snip at you. None of that should have happened- neither party should have been stomped on.

I apologize for my offensive remarks, but I do believe that the problem can be solved with talking and working through the job problem. You can get a job on Sunday shift, or weekends. You can discuss with your husband the possibility of changing jobs. Your eldest child is around the age most girls want to start babysitting, and either gender wants some pocket-money. Have them help out, maybe they’ll be mature enough to look after their siblings for a bit sometimes.

I simply don’t understand the urge to go online and cyber-rant about personal problems, wishing complete strangers justify your thoughts… so often I see people advising annulments or talking about an OP’s husband as some sort of horrid abuser or cheater, as if they themselves had never sinned in their life or made an error. It’s horrible.

I posted wanting to defend your husband, and to a degree just men in general. They are being dragged through mud in today’s culture, and I think we’ve soaked it up a bit.

Apologies as well for the off-topicness above.

 

[sanctareparata]

I think this whole thread is very, very sad.

My first thought when I read this was* I wouldn’t know what to do either*. And I truly would NOT know what to do! Some of you seem like you have it all figured out - she needs to get a job on the side or become the full time breadwinner herself, put the kids in daycare, etc., and a few of you saying this don’t even have kids yourselves! Just because it’s “okay” for other people to work outside the home and put their kids in daycare does *not *mean it’s okay for everyone. The thought of doing that to my own children nauseates me. (And that doesn’t mean everyone who does it is wrong to do so - but it’s not for me and therefore is wrong for me, and yes, the thought of it does make me ill - I just cannot stomach it). And “free” daycares, if she even qualifies, usually don’t have a great reputation.

Yes, this poster’s vocation is to be a wife and mother (to whomever it was who belittled that). It isn’t to get off her seat and go find a job, esp when she and her hubby agreed in the beginning that she would be a SAHM. And she loves her vocation. She loves being a full time mother to her children.

If I had a husband who was working hard, but flat out refusing to search for a job for which he went to school to specialize in - a job which would bring in significantly more money - I would be beyond ticked at him. Probably lose almost all respect for him. Almost despairing even, perhaps? And to top it off, he is spending money that isn’t there and doesn’t seem to care a bit!

Yes, beyond ticked.

No, I would not be able to make the physical move from taking my children and placing them in the care of another person for God knows how long, all so I could take over and do that which my husband couldn’t seem to do - provide for the family. How long would it last? A few months? A few years? For the rest of their childhood? I can completely understand the OP’s heartache and it makes me sad to see that some of you don’t seem to think it’s a big deal. It IS, for her. Again, daycare is not a solution for everyone, and acting as though she would be a bad mother for not using it is awful.

To the OP - I would sit down with your hubby and show him the finances. Show him where the money is being spent. I would also take away his credit card, debit cards, etc. and give him so much cash a week to use. I would cancel the cable TV, cancel the internet, probably even the telephone if you have a cell phone. How many cars do you have? Are they new/old? Paid off? How steep is the insurance? Cut corners wherever you can. Heck, we even went 2/3 of a winter with no gas heat because we couldn’t afford the expense, so we bought an electric heater and used it in the living room during the day. At night it went off, and the house wasn’t heated again till morning. We saved about $200 a month on heating expenses that way. (I figure our great grandparents dealt with it so it can’t be that bad. And it wasn’t You adjust). Cut coupons. Shop thrift stores. Sell things on Craigslist you don’t need or want. Buy cheaper foods - do you have an Aldi’s? Ramen noodles last a long time, and kids like them. Throw in some frozen corn, peas and even crack a few eggs in the pot and it makes a decent meal, served sans broth (too salty). Buy day-old breads.

As for the marital intimacy thing, sorry, but Phase 2 would be out, completely. And if he wanted sex, I’d tell him every time that we cannot afford more children with his wage, and refuse seductions.

Maybe after a few months of this, hubby will get the point. WE CANNOT LIVE THIS WAY.

If you can, find a Sunday job or a few hours of work after the kids are in bed. Do any places hire from 8pm to midnight or anything?

I can tell you I would personally move Heaven and Hell to keep my kids out of childcare. You do what you can, but Naomi, if you feel that you cannot get a full time job because your conscience won’t allow you to “give up” your kids for it, then listen to it. Otherwise you may resent your hubby even more and forever regret the time you lost with the children. Ignore those who tell you you’re a terrible mother because you won’t work full time NOW.

Big hugs to you. I will pray for you.

ETA: If you really want to stay home, Naomi, you need to get past the embarrassment and accept the gov’t help too - who cares if people know you’re on WIC and food stamps? Your kids NEED that help. Take it.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

:clapping: Great post Sancta!!! So many women get offended when some think that working outside of the home (unless as a last resort) would not be right for some women but then other people go right on ahead and bash other women for NOT working or for not thinking that daycare is an OK option. You said pretty much everything that I would if I could say it as eloquently as you:thumbsup:

I think this whole thread is very, very sad.

My first thought when I read this was I wouldn’t know what to do either. And I truly would NOT know what to do. Some of you seem like you have it all figured out - she needs to get a job on the side or become the full time breadwinner herself, put the kids in daycare, etc., and a few of you saying this don’t even have kids yourselves! Just because it’s “okay” for other people to work outside the home and put their kids in daycare does not mean it’s okay for everyone. The thought of doing that to my own children nauseates me. (And that doesn’t mean everyone who does it is wrong to do so - but it’s not for me and therefore is wrong for me, and yes, the thought of it does make me ill - I just cannot imagine it). And “free” daycares, if she even qualifies, usually don’t have a great reputation.

Yes, this poster’s vocation is to be a wife and mother (to whomever it was who belittled that). It isn’t to get off her seat and go find a job, esp when she and her hubby agreed in the beginning that she would be a SAHM. And she loves her vocation. She loves being a full time mother to her children.

If I had a husband who was working hard, yes, but flat out refusing to search for a job for which he went to school to specialize in - a job which would bring in significantly more money - I would be beyond ticked at him. Probably lose almost all respect for him. Almost despairing even, perhaps?

I would not be able to make the physical move from taking my children and placing them in the care of another person for God knows how long, all so I could take over and do that which my husband couldn’t seem to do - provide for the family. How long would it last? A few months? A few years? For the rest of their childhood? I can completely understand the OP’s heartache and it makes me sad to see that some of you don’t seem to think it’s a big deal. It IS, for her. Again, daycare is not a solution for everyone, and acting as though she would be a bad mother for not using it is awful.

To the OP - I would sit down with your hubby and show him the finances. Show him where the money is being spent. I would also take away his credit card, debit cards, etc. and give him so much cash a week to use. I would cancel the cable TV, cancel the internet, probably even the telephone if you have a cell phone. How many cars do you have? Are they new/old? Paid off? How steep is the insurance? Cut corners wherever you can. Heck, we even went 2/3 of a winter with no gas heat because we couldn’t afford the expense, so we bought an electric heater and used it in the living room during the day. At night it went off, and the house wasn’t heated again till morning. We saved about $200 a month on heating expenses that way. (I figure our great grandparents dealt with it so it can’t be that bad. And it wasn’t You adjust). Cut coupons. Shop thrift stores. Sell things on Craigslist you don’t need or want. Buy cheaper foods - do you have an Aldi’s? Ramen noodles last a long time, and kids like them. Throw in some frozen corn, peas and even crack a few eggs in the pot and it makes a decent meal, served sans broth (too salty). Buy day-old breads.

As for the marital intimacy thing, sorry, but Phase 2 would be out, completely. And if he wanted sex, I’d tell him every time that we cannot afford more children with his wage, and refuse seductions.

Maybe after a few months of this, hubby will get the point. WE CANNOT LIVE THIS WAY.

If you can, find a Sunday job or a few hours of work after the kids are in bed. Do any places hire from 8pm to midnight or anything?

I can tell you I would personally move Heaven and Hell to keep my kids out of childcare. You do what you can, but Naomi, if you feel that you cannot get a full time job because your conscience won’t allow you to “give up” your kids for it, then listen to it. Otherwise you may resent your hubby even more and forever regret the time you lost with the children. Ignore those who tell you you’re a terrible mother because you won’t work full time NOW.

Big hugs to you. I will pray for you.

 

[rayne89]

I’m leaving the forum . Most of you will have to find another puppy to stomp .

I am sorry you feel as though you’ve been stomped on. If you were looking to vent and needed sympathy then it would have wise to have mentioned that, other wise people will give advice and opinions. Some you will agree with and some you won’t.

Sometimes I get frustrated with posters who come looking for advice and then announce they’re leaving because not everyone agrees with their point of view, or people don’t react the way they expected them too. I really don’t see anyone stomping you. Some people were direct, maybe even a bit harsh and some had strong opinions, but you will find some people just are. And some were equally harsh, I would say even more so toward your husband.

I was trying to come at it from a realistic point of you. Realistically I don’t see your husband changing. Is it fair? No. Does it make life much harder for you and children? Yes. Unfortunately life is just that way sometimes. Should you divorce your husband over this? Only you can make that decision, only you know all the details. If it’s just his income my own opinion it don’t think that’s enough reason. That’s the for better or worse, mentioned in the marriage vows.

I hope you find a way to resolve this situation and have peace.

 

[mesurman]

Apologies to all who were offended at some of my posts. I missed Naomi’s post about her husbands long hours at retail for little pay.
Everything I said I do mean but it doesn’t apply to their situation. I shall pray for them and all who are in a situation like theirs.

St. Joseph, Patron Saint of workers and protector of the family please intercede on Naomi and her family’s behalf, In Jesus’s name I pray. Amen.