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iluvmybabies
Guest
It’s ok I understood…even though I was a bit confused when I read it at first!!! LOLhahahaha I meant to say…I’m NOW confused, not NOT confused. lol! That would take on an entirely different meaning.
- Status
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ecp007
Guest
I just met a wonderful Christian man (25 years old) who was raised by his single mom. She couldn’t stand to leave her kids either so she opened a day care center in her home.
Your husband has a degree in economy but that was about 20 years ago. It is more than likely that he would be unable to get a job in that field now.
Your options are:
- You get a high paying job, and have your husband stay home with the kids.
- You and your husband both work.
- Your husband gets 2 jobs.
- You learn to live with what you have.
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whatevergirl
Guest
This is a very sensible post. What I was thinking, but you said it better. I don’t think there is any wrong answer here, Naomi–again, you have to do what you feel is right, but I have played blame games with my husband before, and really, have always come up shorthanded. Together, we’re a team, and I have never viewed our marriage as this is ‘his’ role,’ and this is ‘my’ role. Yes, we have naturally God given roles, as husband and wife, and parents…but, when he was layed off, I had to pick up the slack at that time. That doesn’t mean I suggest that for YOU, but it was a solution for us. I think babysitting a few kids would be so awesome, and I did that for a time when I was a SAHM, and I enjoyed it.
I pray things work out. Sorry if any of us offended you in any way.
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iluvmybabies
Guest
I hear you but it’s the point that he can but he won’t that is her problem…you know? She knows and he knows that he can do this and provide a better life for his family yet he chooses not to do so…perhaps it’s true no one can change a person once their minds are made up to be a certain way or to do a certain thing but you have to try and understand the frustration of this woman trying to raise all her children and almost on welfare, especially knowing that her husband has the degree necessary and ability to provide a better life and future for his family…that’s where the frustration begins…She just wanted advice of what to do or how to speak with her husband and a lot of people took it way out of proportion…it’s obvious she needs to speak with a counselor or a priest to provide a better insight on how to motivate her husband or even for them to speak with her husband…one of my friend’s husband after he had lost his job, was laid off went into this deep depression, and almost cost them their 15 years of marriage…She told him straight out if he didn’t seek help in getting out of the stress he was in that she was out the door…She is a very hard working woman, always working, always doing things, helping her husband whenever things were going wrong around the home she worked until they were fixed, she is having health issues too yet she doesn’t stop working and continues fighting on…and she reminded him that she didn’t marry a man who wasn’t willing to fight like her, and she was not taking him that way now…he did just that, looked for help…he went to his doctor, they gave him pills, she told me he isn’t a big pill taker but she made him promise to go through the process and he did, it took him 6 months to recover, and get back on full track, even though after 2 months he was all ready working, he didn’t quit, he took a pay cut but he said “don’t worry honey I will move up quickly!” And he did, over achieved whatever he could to continue providing for his family, but what it takes a little push sometimes, and if he would have decided not to go he would have lost his wife, like she told me “life is too short to waste it, and being depressed and stressed and not doing anything productive with your life is wasting it…” She also let me know that if a person has the ability to over achieve that there should be no reason at all to do so…and I believe it’s true…So I definitely agree with the concern OP has …
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iluvmybabies
Guest
Yeah but the way things are now-a-days with people not able to really pay well and stuff I doubt she’s going to be doing well as a babysitter…you know? It’s a good idea and even though I wanted to try that too it didn’t work out for me, parents were looking for certified this and that and that costed money and I couldn’t afford it…Maybe for her it would be something to really think about it, I mean she’s at home, and it will bring extra income…
It’s not so much as the blame game it’s just the frustration that he could do something but he isn’t…And I understand her…
Yes she could too but it’s her choice that she really doesn’t want to at the moment because her hubby has the ability…
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iluvmybabies
Guest
Hi your day care idea sounds great and she could definitely look at that option…And I don’t think it’s so much as the blame game because her hubby does have a degree that can help her…As far as I know any degree no matter how old it is, is still valid and guaranteed…If anything all he would need to do is apply to different companies that would give him offers and see which one would even offer for him to validate his degree or take a few college courses to advance his degree and catch up, get up to date on certain things, that would be all…In the company that I work for they accept anyone with a degree even if it was 20 years old…One of the new top managers recently hired graduated in 77 from the UN, in another country…of course he has a Master’s degree not just a Bachelor’s but think about it, it’s still good enough you know? So his options are open, that he seems to lack the motivation yes he does seem to have that issue which can be somewhat resolved if he were to seek out counseling or help…So I understand where she’s coming from and the frustration she has…It’s not easy putting your 6 children to just anyone especially if you are a dedicated SAHM, many have to work, I myself work have been working since I could remember, I would take breaks you know a year here, 2 there, etc, but all the time my ex would make me work, he wanted new rims on the car etc and it was painful to leave my children because he would use up his paychecks for his wants and I would have to work to pay our bills…Of course that didn’t last long and I try to live humbly, we do have a roof over our heads and food on our plates, thanks to God’s mercy, but even though I would have liked to be at home with my children longer…But my ex decided his career wasn’t as important as his new stereo system…But that is not her case she can barely feed her children and her hubby can provide a better life for them…so I definitely understand her concern…
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whatevergirl
Guest
**Ok…Yes, I see.
Naomi–if you are still reading this thread…you could put your husband’s resume together, as it sounds like he is working a lot and might not have the time, and for one hour per day, (that’s really all it takes) …look on monster.com or your local paper, and start sending out his resume. Come up with an email that he agrees to…you have the password, and just start sending. I have done this for my husband, intermittently during times when he worked a lot of hours, but he wanted a better job–and he ended up getting some great interviews out of the deal.
So, that’s a thought, too. If you could help him in this way, you never know…he might find not only a better job, but a job well suited for his background/degree. Just food for thought.
God bless.**
Naomi–if you are still reading this thread…you could put your husband’s resume together, as it sounds like he is working a lot and might not have the time, and for one hour per day, (that’s really all it takes) …look on monster.com or your local paper, and start sending out his resume. Come up with an email that he agrees to…you have the password, and just start sending. I have done this for my husband, intermittently during times when he worked a lot of hours, but he wanted a better job–and he ended up getting some great interviews out of the deal.
So, that’s a thought, too. If you could help him in this way, you never know…he might find not only a better job, but a job well suited for his background/degree. Just food for thought.
God bless.**
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whatevergirl
Guest
**that’s true, I should say that they weren’t strangers I was taking in…there was a lady my husband worked with who needed a daily sitter, and family members who turned to me. So I had about 4 kids, and I averaged about $400 weekly. It was a nice job that provided a nice savings for us, and to still be able to be home with my own kids was great. My son was 3 1/2 at the time, and loved the company of the other kids!Yeah but the way things are now-a-days with people not able to really pay well and stuff I doubt she’s going to be doing well as a babysitter…you know? It’s a good idea and even though I wanted to try that too it didn’t work out for me, parents were looking for certified this and that and that costed money and I couldn’t afford it…Maybe for her it would be something to really think about it, I mean she’s at home, and it will bring extra income…
It’s not so much as the blame game it’s just the frustration that he could do something but he isn’t…And I understand her…
Yes she could too but it’s her choice that she really doesn’t want to at the moment because her hubby has the ability…
Yes, I looked into setting up an actual daycare, and you have to become certified, and also obtain a license, social services comes in to inspect your home. It is great if you can swing it, but I just babysat people who knew me, or were referred.
I think my sending resumes for the husband idea is a good one, though. While he is working, she is looking for him. It could work out wonderfully.
**
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iluvmybabies
Guest
It’s unfortunate that she left the forum, because I believe most were actually just giving advice even though some were a little taking it too personal, but your advice is great too!! I do that for my bf, I try to look for jobs for him because I know he can do better. Besides what’s the problem of looking or finding out if he can get a better job? Nothing, I am not offending him nor hurting him I am trying to help him…If he finds a better job then great for him if not hey at least I tried…And I have his resume and everything ready I just send it out and that’s it…If he gets called he does if he doesn’t he doesn’t, I let him know of course and he’s ready for whatever happens…That is a great idea…**that’s true, I should say that they weren’t strangers I was taking in…there was a lady my husband worked with who needed a daily sitter, and family members who turned to me. So I had about 4 kids, and I averaged about $400 weekly. It was a nice job that provided a nice savings for us, and to still be able to be home with my own kids was great. My son was 3 1/2 at the time, and loved the company of the other kids!
Yes, I looked into setting up an actual daycare, and you have to become certified, and also obtain a license, social services comes in to inspect your home. It is great if you can swing it, but I just babysat people who knew me, or were referred.
I think my sending resumes for the husband idea is a good one, though. While he is working, she is looking for him. It could work out wonderfully.
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whatevergirl
Guest
**absolutely! I also like doing that stuff. lol
Naomi–I hope you are reading this…
God bless, and we all wish you luck with this issue.**
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maria29
Guest
Posts like this also make me sad too, because you assume that moms who put their children daycare think its okay and have no issues with it. Or that it doesn’t hurt to do so. My heart used to break everytime I had to drop him off. There are things that I know I missed because I had to work. The pain that I feel every day being seperated from my child I offer up for the relief of Holy Souls in Purgatory. This helps keep my life in perspective.I think this whole thread is very, very sad.
My first thought when I read this was* I wouldn’t know what to do either*. And I truly would NOT know what to do! Some of you seem like you have it all figured out - she needs to get a job on the side or become the full time breadwinner herself, put the kids in daycare, etc., and a few of you saying this don’t even have kids yourselves! Just because it’s “okay” for other people to work outside the home and put their kids in daycare does *not *mean it’s okay for everyone. The thought of doing that to my own children nauseates me. (And that doesn’t mean everyone who does it is wrong to do so - but it’s not for me and therefore is wrong for me, and yes, the thought of it does make me ill - I just cannot stomach it). And “free” daycares, if she even qualifies, usually don’t have a great reputation.
Yes, this poster’s vocation is to be a wife and mother (to whomever it was who belittled that). It isn’t to get off her seat and go find a job, esp when she and her hubby agreed in the beginning that she would be a SAHM. And she loves her vocation. She loves being a full time mother to her children.
If I had a husband who was working hard, but flat out refusing to search for a job for which he went to school to specialize in - a job which would bring in significantly more money - I would be beyond ticked at him. Probably lose almost all respect for him. Almost despairing even, perhaps? And to top it off, he is spending money that isn’t there and doesn’t seem to care a bit!
Yes, beyond ticked.
No, I would not be able to make the physical move from taking my children and placing them in the care of another person for God knows how long, all so I could take over and do that which my husband couldn’t seem to do - provide for the family. How long would it last? A few months? A few years? For the rest of their childhood? I can completely understand the OP’s heartache and it makes me sad to see that some of you don’t seem to think it’s a big deal. It IS, for her. Again, daycare is not a solution for everyone, and acting as though she would be a bad mother for not using it is awful.
To the OP - I would sit down with your hubby and show him the finances. Show him where the money is being spent. I would also take away his credit card, debit cards, etc. and give him so much cash a week to use. I would cancel the cable TV, cancel the internet, probably even the telephone if you have a cell phone. How many cars do you have? Are they new/old? Paid off? How steep is the insurance? Cut corners wherever you can. Heck, we even went 2/3 of a winter with no gas heat because we couldn’t afford the expense, so we bought an electric heater and used it in the living room during the day. At night it went off, and the house wasn’t heated again till morning. We saved about $200 a month on heating expenses that way. (I figure our great grandparents dealt with it so it can’t be that bad. And it wasn’t You adjust). Cut coupons. Shop thrift stores. Sell things on Craigslist you don’t need or want. Buy cheaper foods - do you have an Aldi’s? Ramen noodles last a long time, and kids like them. Throw in some frozen corn, peas and even crack a few eggs in the pot and it makes a decent meal, served sans broth (too salty). Buy day-old breads.
As for the marital intimacy thing, sorry, but Phase 2 would be out, completely. And if he wanted sex, I’d tell him every time that we cannot afford more children with his wage, and refuse seductions.
Maybe after a few months of this, hubby will get the point. WE CANNOT LIVE THIS WAY.
If you can, find a Sunday job or a few hours of work after the kids are in bed. Do any places hire from 8pm to midnight or anything?
I can tell you I would personally move Heaven and Hell to keep my kids out of childcare. You do what you can, but Naomi, if you feel that you cannot get a full time job because your conscience won’t allow you to “give up” your kids for it, then listen to it. Otherwise you may resent your hubby even more and forever regret the time you lost with the children. Ignore those who tell you you’re a terrible mother because you won’t work full time NOW.
Big hugs to you. I will pray for you.
ETA: If you really want to stay home, Naomi, you need to get past the embarrassment and accept the gov’t help too - who cares if people know you’re on WIC and food stamps? Your kids NEED that help. Take it.
I would not be fufilling my role as wife and mother if I didn’t work outside the home. Because without an extra income we’d have no home.I can understand the heartache that the op feels in regards to this situation. Just because she wants to stay home though doesn’t mean that that’s in God’s plan for her to do so. I never thought God’s plan for us would include me working full time yet here I am. Before I got married, I was one of those women that said how they’d never be one of those women that had to put their children in daycare. And that was a huge humbling experience to go through.
I too think that the OP should look for an overnite job that would bring in some extra income or something that has really flexiable hours where she could tailor it around her dh schedule. Have you looked into TANF? Although even with that you still have to work so many hours per week just to get it,
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sanctareparata
Guest
I assumed nothing, maria. I never said anything of the sort. Therefore, please don’t assume that I think that way, because I don’t. I know plenty of moms who use it, hate it, and regret it but feel they have no other choice. They have my sympathy. :hug:
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Feanaro_s_Wife
Guest
**
Maria, do you know any parents who are fine with daycare? Who actually want their kids to be there and are glad they have their “me” time? If you don’t, let me assure you that they are out there. THOSE are the ones I think of when I post about daycare not being a good choice unless it is a last resort. Not caring, loving, moms like you who would stay home with their munchkins in a heartbeat if circumstances allowed.**
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sanctareparata
Guest
Someone I know is like this. She actually looks forward to putting her newborns in daycare because she honestly feels it’s the best thing for them. She talks of picking up the kids at 5:30 (after dropping them off at 7:30), feeding them (though she wishes her daycare would provide dinners so she wouldn’t have to bother with that), sticking them in the bath and putting them in bed at 7pm. She really values her “me” time 5 days a week and isn’t ashamed to admit it.
And weekends are pretty hard on her because there is no one to take the kids from her.
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Eliza10
Guest
:yup: :clapping: :tiphat: :bowdown2: Awesome post, Sanctareparata!!!
This is awesome. Naomi, wasn’t it worth slogging through certain other insensitive or ill-informed suggestions in this thread for this gem? Sanctareparata really understands the situation you are in.
Some highlights:
I have seen working Moms, for whom this choice is working well, expect it should be so easy for other Moms. But they are overlooking factors they have in their favor, that other Moms lack, that makes all the difference in their choice to work. A helpful extended family, flexilble or convenient work hours, high hourly wage, or, above all, a cooperative, helpful, involved husband make all the difference.
(And some SAHM’s to go to work, second shift, after a tiring day of parenting and making order all day, and they know they will come home to mayhem and disorder.)
If a SAHM wants to continue to be a SAHM, that should be respected, because she knows her life and her family and its right to assume she probably has compelling reason. But unfortunately, its usually not repsected.
I also understand why Naomi would come here to complain. Its anonymous, after all. If you have not lived through some of the frustrations that married life can bring - a state that unlike a job or a college or a group of peers you cannot just leave when you are are in a true bind - then you cannot understand the need to hash out your problems with people. And being anonymous on a forum takes it out of the realm of gossip.
[continued, next]
This is awesome. Naomi, wasn’t it worth slogging through certain other insensitive or ill-informed suggestions in this thread for this gem? Sanctareparata really understands the situation you are in.
Some highlights:
And I hope they do have them someday. Then, Lord-willing, they will know the sacredness of the mother-child bond. Its not something they teach in University, on TV, movies, or in woman’s magazines.
I think thats hard for many working mothers to understand. They think its okay for them, so it should be okay for others.
I have seen working Moms, for whom this choice is working well, expect it should be so easy for other Moms. But they are overlooking factors they have in their favor, that other Moms lack, that makes all the difference in their choice to work. A helpful extended family, flexilble or convenient work hours, high hourly wage, or, above all, a cooperative, helpful, involved husband make all the difference.
(And some SAHM’s to go to work, second shift, after a tiring day of parenting and making order all day, and they know they will come home to mayhem and disorder.)
If a SAHM wants to continue to be a SAHM, that should be respected, because she knows her life and her family and its right to assume she probably has compelling reason. But unfortunately, its usually not repsected.
Amen to that. Thats how I have feel.
Seriously true.
Yes, it is her vocation and it should be respected as such. It is a vocation that is belittled and undervalued these days. Its a cross SAHM’s must bear, but I believe Our Lord will make up for that with special graces.
Yes! Me too. Naomi, remember that Sanctareparata was not the only one here who saw you have reason to be annoyed; there were others on this on this thread who had empathy for your situation.
I also understand why Naomi would come here to complain. Its anonymous, after all. If you have not lived through some of the frustrations that married life can bring - a state that unlike a job or a college or a group of peers you cannot just leave when you are are in a true bind - then you cannot understand the need to hash out your problems with people. And being anonymous on a forum takes it out of the realm of gossip.
[continued, next]
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Eliza10
Guest
[continued]
Recently I was at a friends with her friend, and the three of us had our onlies with us. I realized we were all single Moms of sons the same age in the same school! This realization made me make some comparisons in my mind. Both the other Moms had taken the finanicial bull by the horns and hard worked fulltime throughout their child’s life, taking the allotted 6-week leave, working non-stop, having to utilize daycare. My friend has constant custody trials tugging on her income, but still she can afford vacations with hotel and airfare annually (I am limited to camping and family and friend visits) and is not always wondering how next month’s bills will be paid, as I am.
Her friend’s friend works also as a nurse, non-stop with daycae and grandparent help over the years, and bought her own house, pays her mortgage, put herself though nursing school (and just completed the ten years necessary to make her son eligible for free excellent university education perk of her job).
They are both doing much better than I in creating financial stability for their little families.
But when I compared our sons, oh my. My friends son is a nice boy, bright, who recieves his mothers dedicated care. But he is markedly socially immature. My son asked me, “Why does “Bobby” act like a baby?” (Bobby tugs on his Mom, hits her, etc. while she talks. He plays hide-n’-seek in the restaurant, and says silly sing-song things repetitively while giggling, and other very immature things, and his immaturity is pointed out by his teachers as well.) I tell my son that Bobby was in day care from the time he was a baby, or being neglected on court-ordered weekends with his (irresponsible, abusive) father when he really needed his mother. So those needs to be with Mom weren’t met, and now that he is in middle school he still needs Mom like a little kid does.
As to the other boy, “Lee”, although he is bright, plays an instrument and is in two advanced classes with my son, he is so overtly annoying that even I get annoyed - and I am long on patience. My son cannot stand to be around him, and this is the only child he has ever had that reaction to. In answer to my son’s question on why Lee is like this, I say Lee didn’t have his mother in his life enough and spent lots of his time in day care since he was a baby.“So thats why you need keep doing well in school, so you know how to work hard in a good job, in case your vocation is marriage. Then your wife will be able to be home with your children, and you’ll have childen you can enjoy becasue they won’t be annoying out of neediness. Like your cousins, and like __'s family and ___'s family, who all have Moms who were home all the time, or at least, a lot.”
So this is what my experience says makes the big difference in children. I have seen it observing socially over the years, and also professionally as a teacher over many years. (And I would guess that a good, dedicated stay-at-home Dad could achieve similar/like results; I just haven’t met one.)
Personally I would not want to take on night work of any kind because that sleep before midnight is so important to good health. (And the kids will be up next day at their regular time with plenty of energy!).
But perhaps she can offer her services meanwhile as an “emergency babysitter” - lots of working Moms get in a pinch during school closing, or if their regular babysitter is sick or taking time off, and there are Moms who don’t regularly use babysitters but might need an after- or before- school from time to time (school buses usually will drop them off or pick them up as needed). Her being a Mom dependably stationed at home is of value to them. Its not much money but if she uses it wisely for family neccesties it will help her husband feel he is not the only one earning.
Me too! Who knows how long it would go on. Some men are happy to step aside and let their wives take over their role while she does double-duty.
Recently I was at a friends with her friend, and the three of us had our onlies with us. I realized we were all single Moms of sons the same age in the same school! This realization made me make some comparisons in my mind. Both the other Moms had taken the finanicial bull by the horns and hard worked fulltime throughout their child’s life, taking the allotted 6-week leave, working non-stop, having to utilize daycare. My friend has constant custody trials tugging on her income, but still she can afford vacations with hotel and airfare annually (I am limited to camping and family and friend visits) and is not always wondering how next month’s bills will be paid, as I am.
Her friend’s friend works also as a nurse, non-stop with daycae and grandparent help over the years, and bought her own house, pays her mortgage, put herself though nursing school (and just completed the ten years necessary to make her son eligible for free excellent university education perk of her job).
They are both doing much better than I in creating financial stability for their little families.
But when I compared our sons, oh my. My friends son is a nice boy, bright, who recieves his mothers dedicated care. But he is markedly socially immature. My son asked me, “Why does “Bobby” act like a baby?” (Bobby tugs on his Mom, hits her, etc. while she talks. He plays hide-n’-seek in the restaurant, and says silly sing-song things repetitively while giggling, and other very immature things, and his immaturity is pointed out by his teachers as well.) I tell my son that Bobby was in day care from the time he was a baby, or being neglected on court-ordered weekends with his (irresponsible, abusive) father when he really needed his mother. So those needs to be with Mom weren’t met, and now that he is in middle school he still needs Mom like a little kid does.
As to the other boy, “Lee”, although he is bright, plays an instrument and is in two advanced classes with my son, he is so overtly annoying that even I get annoyed - and I am long on patience. My son cannot stand to be around him, and this is the only child he has ever had that reaction to. In answer to my son’s question on why Lee is like this, I say Lee didn’t have his mother in his life enough and spent lots of his time in day care since he was a baby.“So thats why you need keep doing well in school, so you know how to work hard in a good job, in case your vocation is marriage. Then your wife will be able to be home with your children, and you’ll have childen you can enjoy becasue they won’t be annoying out of neediness. Like your cousins, and like __'s family and ___'s family, who all have Moms who were home all the time, or at least, a lot.”
So this is what my experience says makes the big difference in children. I have seen it observing socially over the years, and also professionally as a teacher over many years. (And I would guess that a good, dedicated stay-at-home Dad could achieve similar/like results; I just haven’t met one.)
So kind of you to offer Naomi good sound advice from the trenches.
Yes, she needs to be confident in this because it is not out of spite but out of responsibility.
I think if she takes these steps in a spirit of resignedly embracing necessary steps and not out of anger or manipulation her husband may be free to see the reality of the situation and feel free to choose to do something about it.
Don’t know if you saw that after December she’ll be babysitting her cousin’s newborn.
Personally I would not want to take on night work of any kind because that sleep before midnight is so important to good health. (And the kids will be up next day at their regular time with plenty of energy!).
But perhaps she can offer her services meanwhile as an “emergency babysitter” - lots of working Moms get in a pinch during school closing, or if their regular babysitter is sick or taking time off, and there are Moms who don’t regularly use babysitters but might need an after- or before- school from time to time (school buses usually will drop them off or pick them up as needed). Her being a Mom dependably stationed at home is of value to them. Its not much money but if she uses it wisely for family neccesties it will help her husband feel he is not the only one earning.
Me too. And you already have taken extreme measures.
Yes, ignore those. You conscience comes first. There will always be those who disagree with what your consience is telling you. They aren’t inside of you so they don’t know.
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maria29
Guest
No I don’t know anyone who puts their child in daycare because they like it and don’t need the income. All the moms that I know who work on the various forums for moms that I belong to and in real life do so because they have to.
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LilyM
Guest
Thank you for implying that daycare turns kids into rotters and home-raised children inevitably become angels. Now let me share MY experience with you, being one of those raised by two full-time workers.I have four older sisters, each has had children, we come from a family of five that had two full-time working parents, and know families from all areas of the spectrum.
Just looking at my sibs alone, there is a mix among them of the daycared, the fully stay-at-home, and the part-time workers. We ourselves had two working parents but had a housekeeper (a very treasured family member, more like a grandmother or great-aunt to us) who looked after us in our own home during the day.
And I can tell you - even with ONE single set of parents who steadily pursue ONE course of action with all the children (whatever it may be) you can have very different outcomes among those children, and the result, in MY firsthand and not anecdotal experience, is just as likely with any course of action to produce good or bad children.
Whether the parents work is only one factor in an extremely complex equation. Depends on the parents - and the care arrangements - and the children. Horses for courses, as the old saying goes.
I know for a fact that both my mother, and her mother before her, who are both loving and excellent mothers in every possible way who I won’t hear a word against, need(ed) the sort of intellectual and other challenges their work has given them.
I say this with the greatest respect to SAHMs, but it is just a completely different kettle of fish to what Mum gets out of - and gets to give to others - being a doctor, or grandma a scientist.
And I am as certain as possible that they - and their children - would have been absolutely miserable and all turned out significantly worse as a result if either of them had stayed at home full-time.
No, I’m not advocating that every woman go out to work, but I do know more than enough SAHMs who aren’t half the mother my mum or grandma are to know that SAHM-dom is not the answer for everyone either.
As for Naomi’s case - we’re talking about an extremely urgent situation here, where there is not enough money for food or gas. It’s not a time to stick to some (forgive me, this is going to sound harsher than it intends) mythicised June-Cleaver style ideal of motherhood. No amount of quality time will help those kids if they don’t have food on the table and and a roof over their heads, which is what is at issue here.
Historically speaking, more women would’ve been out working the fields beside their husband, or doing the accounting in the back of the shop while he served the customers, or working as servants in someone else’s house, than making their own homes full-time. Usually grandma or older female relatives were the ones raising kids and cleaning house.
As for Naomi’s situation, only she is the best judge really, but she comes across as being a little set on the one course and unwilling to look at other possibilities or realities.
Now looking for jobs on behalf of the husband is one option, maybe an excellent one, which I’m only sorry I didn’t think to suggest myself. But in the end he still has to front up for (and be sufficiently motivated to do well in) the resulting interviews, so there’s a good possiblity that that won’t help either.
She has to be prepared for the high likelihood that she WILL need to work herself, or be prepared to raise her children on the one limited income as she is trying to do now.
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Eliza10
Guest
You are reading what is not there. Those boys are not rotters - the one I know well is a very good boy; just socially immature. The other, annoying one, I assume is good too - just socially very annoying! My son is not an angel. Just my dear boy. Who is not socially immature. He is not a star, just normal for his age.
I am just sharing my real-life observation.
This is what I meant when I said some working Moms don’t realize the perks they have that make their staying home possible. Your situation growing up was very different from my friend’s sons. They have ONE over-stretched parent at home, not two parents helping each other with the job of raising children. You had siblings you grew up with and had babysitter care with; these boys did not. And having ONE treasured family-member-type consistently there as an in-house caregiver couldn’t be a more ideal alternative care situation.
Instead I was talking of childen who for the great majority of their entire lives were sociallized by instituational day care providers. A completely different senario.
Okay, if you say so. Nonetheless, it stands that they were able to provide the ideal alternative care for you.
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LilyM
Guest
You can’t possibly start a description of two kids with a disapproving ‘oh my!’ and then turn around and pretend that you just meant ‘oh, they’re good kids, but …’ . You wouldn’t accept that sort of backpedalling from anyone who referred to your child with such a disdainful expression.
Not only are you comparing them most unfavourably with your child, you are attributing the alleged ‘betterness’ (in whose unbiased opinion is he better and not socially immature or - highly subjective phrase - ‘annoying’?) in your child to your staying at home. All extremely debatable and speculative.
Boy, did you just not read half of my post or what!
I made abundantly clear that I have plenty of experience of different kids, who have been raised in every imaginable way possible, every shade of the spectrum between SAHM and institutionalised daycare. Thus that I was NOT only basing my conclusions upon my own raising. And yet you chose to respond as if I was only referring to my own raising.
And like I said, my conclusion from observation of ALL of them - raised, as I said, in all different ways, is that SAHM v daycare does NOT, in itself, make a difference to how ‘good’ (read mature or less socially annoying or less insert-any-undesirable-trait-here) a child is.
Because there are lots of other factors to be considered than just whether the child was in daycare or not, including whether the parents are any good. If they’re not, no amount of staying at home will make their children better off. Some I am certain are, or would be, better off in daycare, or with the mother otherwise working out of the home.
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