husband won't work

[Eliza10]

I agree as it relates to trying to make it such that a mom can be home with her children, especially in baby years. But, what do you say to posters like Paul, in this thread, who stay home with their kids, and their wives work? …I politely disagree…I was a stay at home mom, but know of posters on here, and friends and family that have decided it’s best for the dad to stay at home, and it works great.

I mentioned Day Care because that is what she has been so much urged to on this thead.

I don’t think having her husband become a stay-at-home Dad is any solution for her. Her husband as far as we know hasn’t mentioned a longing to be home raising his children. He does seem to exhibit a desire to lessen his work/responsibility load. But staying at home running a household and mothering young children is the anti-solution to his wanting to work less.

As to those urging Naomi to abandon her role at home and instead become the sole breadwinner, its highly doubtful that she can bring in more than her husband after these years out of the work field.

Whatevergirl, you seem to be in line with the dogma of our current culture - that says men and women are equally and interchangably suited to the roles of breadwinning and mothering. That whoever can do whatever role. I am not with you on that.
.
I tend to think that Paul is the exception. Every rule has exceptions, right? But I believe most times women are better suited to mothering and homekeeping. And I strongly believe that when a mother desies to do this, she should be honored and supported, and not badgered into abandonning this.

Years ago my then pastor’s wife, who was a fine wife and mother who had raised her children on a shoestring - the tiny salary of a poor church’s pastor, said she believed woman are best at mothering and men are best at going out to work. She said that when their children were young and their money was tight, she went back to work as a nurse parttime while her husband stayed home those hours. But she came home to a stressed-out husband and great disorder in the home, which would stress her out. So they realized that when things were tight it was better for him to get an extra parttime job (her job still being to stretch the nickel). It made homelife much more peaceful for all.

She said most men are not adept at the kind of multitasking that is mothering and homekeeping. And that comment on men’s innate lack of multitasking ability is one I have heard elsewhere since.

So that was her wisdom from her years of experience. Years later when I was a stay-at-home Mom I found on the rare times I was away for a Saturday afternoon, I would invariably come home to disorder and I remembered what she said. I also found that my heart ached for my son whenever I was away, and my husband did not have the same attachment I had. When he was at work, he was fully at work, not worrying about his son or wishing he was him, like Moms I know do.

I think many women with stay-at-home husbands have been pressured by society and family to use their degrees and work, particularly if they an make more money than their husbands, as if making the highest salery should be the prioritized deciding factor (but what about whose heart will break more?).

One thing I know is, the happiest and best-adjusted kids I have seen are the kids of stay-at-home Moms, with Dads who honor and support this. As to stay-at-home Dads, I don’t know any. I can certainly imagine senarios where it would be better. But it is the exception, IMO.

 

[thenewmrssears]

I don’t understand why people are bashing the OP.

Her husband COULD earn more, but REFUSES to find a better job.

Why is that OK?

God Bless

COULD but ISN’T I believe is the operative phrase.

Marriages are a team activity. If one isn’t doing something, the other must pick up the slack. This is just an extreme instance.

I COULD cook, but I don’t very often. Instead Nathan cooks and picks up my slack there. He COULD find a job outside the home that has more regular pay, but instead I work [granted I love my job] outside the home so he can follow his dreams.

I have a lot of sympathy for the OP. A lot. However, I think that we sometimes forget that the world changes.

I can’t even imagine how stressful this is for her. I really can’t, but she is just responsible for providing for her children as he is. It is going to take a lot to convince me otherwise.

 

[bilop]

COULD but ISN’T I believe is the operative phrase.

Marriages are a team activity. If one isn’t doing something, the other must pick up the slack. This is just an extreme instance.

I COULD cook, but I don’t very often. Instead Nathan cooks and picks up my slack there. He COULD find a job outside the home that has more regular pay, but instead I work [granted I love my job] outside the home so he can follow his dreams.

I have a lot of sympathy for the OP. A lot. However, I think that we sometimes forget that the world changes.

I can’t even imagine how stressful this is for her. I really can’t, but she is just responsible for providing for her children as he is. It is going to take a lot to convince me otherwise.

If this was a case of “the world changing” I would agree with you.
If her husband was an autoworker who’s plant shut, and ther were no other jobs, or if he didn’t have the skills to earn more, I would say, sure, she need to get to work.

But, Naomi’s husband seems to be well skilled to get a good job, he just doesn’t want to, for whatever reason. To me, that is unacceptable. It is also not clear that, after taxes and expenses (including daycare) that they will be better off if she gets a job.

In any case, I will say a prayer for Naomi.

God Bless

 

[whatevergirl]

I mentioned Day Care because that is what she has been so much urged to on this thead.

I don’t think having her husband become a stay-at-home Dad is any solution for her. Her husband as far as we know hasn’t mentioned a longing to be home raising his children. He does seem to exhibit a desire to lessen his work/responsibility load. But staying at home running a household and mothering young children is the anti-solution to his wanting to work less.

As to those urging Naomi to abandon her role at home and instead become the sole breadwinner, its highly doubtful that she can bring in more than her husband after these years out of the work field.

Whatevergirl, you seem to be in line with the dogma of our current culture - that says men and women are equally and interchangably suited to the roles of breadwinning and mothering. That whoever can do whatever role. I am not with you on that.
.
I tend to think that Paul is the exception. Every rule has exceptions, right? But I believe most times women are better suited to mothering and homekeeping. And I strongly believe that when a mother desies to do this, she should be honored and supported, and not badgered into abandonning this.

Years ago my then pastor’s wife, who was a fine wife and mother who had raised her children on a shoestring - the tiny salary of a poor church’s pastor, said she believed woman are best at mothering and men are best at going out to work. She said that when their children were young and their money was tight, she went back to work as a nurse parttime while her husband stayed home those hours. But she came home to a stressed-out husband and great disorder in the home, which would stress her out. So they realized that when things were tight it was better for him to get an extra parttime job (her job still being to stretch the nickel). It made homelife much more peaceful for all.

She said most men are not adept at the kind of multitasking that is mothering and homekeeping. And that comment on men’s innate lack of multitasking ability is one I have heard elsewhere since.

So that was her wisdom from her years of experience. Years later when I was a stay-at-home Mom I found on the rare times I was away for a Saturday afternoon, I would invariably come home to disorder and I remembered what she said. I also found that my heart ached for my son whenever I was away, and my husband did not have the same attachment I had. When he was at work, he was fully at work, not worrying about his son or wishing he was him, like Moms I know do.

I think many women with stay-at-home husbands have been pressured by society and family to use their degrees and work, particularly if they an make more money than their husbands, as if making the highest salery should be the prioritized deciding factor (but what about whose heart will break more?).

One thing I know is, the happiest and best-adjusted kids I have seen are the kids of stay-at-home Moms, with Dads who honor and support this. As to stay-at-home Dads, I don’t know any. I can certainly imagine senarios where it would be better. But it is the exception, IMO.

I stayed at home before my kids went to school. I now work. I will respectfully disagree with you. I follow where God leads me, and I believe I provide for my family in where He has called me. I would never suggest to tell a woman to do otherwise, it’s what works for one’s family. And it’s a serious decision. But, I am telling my dd to get her degree, and to become an independent woman. I don’t want my daughter dependant on a man, but rather their partnership is about love, commitment, and most importantly…following God. If you teach your children differently, that is your choice. Thankfully, we all have choices. But, following God, is key to making any family function successfully.

 

[thenewmrssears]

I stayed at home before my kids went to school. I now work. I will respectfully disagree with you. I follow where God leads me, and I believe I provide for my family in where He has called me. I would never suggest to tell a woman to do otherwise, it’s what works for one’s family. And it’s a serious decision. But, I am telling my dd to get her degree, and to become an independent woman. I don’t want my daughter dependant on a man, but rather their partnership is about love, commitment, and most importantly…following God. If you teach your children differently, that is your choice. Thankfully, we all have choices. But, following God, is key to making any family function successfully.

I completely 100% agree with you. You said what I was trying to say, but much better.

 

[whatevergirl]

If this was a case of “the world changing” I would agree with you.
If her husband was an autoworker who’s plant shut, and ther were no other jobs, or if he didn’t have the skills to earn more, I would say, sure, she need to get to work.

But, Naomi’s husband seems to be well skilled to get a good job, he just doesn’t want to, for whatever reason. To me, that is unacceptable. It is also not clear that, after taxes and expenses (including daycare) that they will be better off if she gets a job.

In any case, I will say a prayer for Naomi.

God Bless

**the thing is though, that if he doesn’t want to, then something else needs to change pretty quickly to get food on the table. Naomi, and I respect this, doesn’t want to go on food stamps, etc…so, it might require her for a short time even, to find some work to help out.

Naomi–when my kids went to school, I hadn’t been working for a few years. I didn’t have a set skill set, per se, so what I did, was I temped. That is a great way to pick and choose where to work, and you get short to long assignments. Only pick those assignments that are short…just to get some cash flowing into your home. I think that you and your dh need to get to the heart of his hesitancy to getting a better job. But, reality is that there isn’t an abundance of jobs to be had right now. He will be competing with many, who have been layed off elsewhere. That’s just something to keep in mind. So, maybe try babysitting (which I also did for a short time, and loved that) or temping so you can build a skill set…answering phones, computer work, etc…so cash flow can be increased…and help you out of the hole. I am sorry you’re struggling. God is good, and He will help you. But, sometimes, we don’t always like His advice. lol

Good luck to you! I know it can be hard, especially with little kids. ((hugs))**

 

[iluvmybabies]

I’m really struggling with a lot of negative feeling about my husband .He has a really good degree but he won’t take a job that pays well .Last week after the bills were paid I had 139.00 for gas and grocerys for the next 2 weeks .We don’t have cable , or go out or buy new . Ther isn’t anywhere to cut expences . We are a family of 6 ! He also isn’t interested in the chart . He always get cozy during phase 2 . I hate always having to say no. I really hate welfare and borrowing from friends and family. I really don’t know what he thinks about . Why does he do this ? Does he enjoy this spiral slide ? Why won’t he take care of us ??

Don’t feel bad you are not alone…Believe me when I say this…My exhusband was the same way…It was so difficult, I owed my family about 6 grand by the time we were seperated almost 9 years after our marriage…it was difficult and the worst part is that he didn’t care if we ever paid them back…every year with income tax returns I was struggling “stealing” it from him so we could pay my family back…It costed me double…
I ended up paying my family almost 8 grand, but they still to this day rub it in that I never paid a single penny!! It hurts but it’s the truth…
I had to leave him because his abuse emotional, and later on semi-phyical added on to the problems with him not wanting to work or maintain his family…To him it was, why don’t you get a job?! We have 3 children and I was going to school, and working part-time, then got a full-time job, then the stress of home making, school, children and work over ruined me, I was so stressed, I had to take care of the dog, the children, all household needs, my husband’s needs, the bills, the miscellaneous necessities, the car, school, children’s school, groceries, work, etc…it was devastating…I had no time to even take a shower every day. I was disappointed over worked and unwilling to make it work…not only that but his abuse didn’t help with my pain and anguish…I left him…
I tried going to counseling but instead of him listening to my conditions he would tell the counselor he would never change unless I listened to his conditions and followed them!! I was like this is it…I refuse to continue pleasing a man that has no interest in caring for his family…He poisoned my daugther so much I have to take her to a counselor…he abandoned his children and doesn’t even pay child support!!! And to make matters worst, he alway threatens to take them from me…
I did whatever I could to make that man happy…There were 2 occassions we would have owned our own home and he never wanted it…he didn’t care that we didn’t have room in the apartment, nor that we didn’t even have a decent home, all he cared about was that he was doing what he wanted…no questions asked…
It was hard and the only way to deal with that situation on my side was to leave…
I am in a different relationship now, and even though I am not supposed to compare sometimes the things this new love does reminds me of my ex and pushes me away…and other times I feel so blessed for finding him…It’s weird…but I wish you luck…
I think you both need to seek out counseling…Speak with your priest, he will know how to guide you as well. God bless and hope things get better for you. Remember too that sometimes the stress he’s giving he might be suffering so try and speak with him heart to heart and see where he stands…Good luck!!

 

[Eliza10]

I stayed at home before my kids went to school. I now work…

You stayed at home before your kids were in school. But Naomi has a 20 month old baby and a husband who is disinterested in their NFP calender – so it might be quite some time before all her kids are in school! If you want to work while your kids are in school and that works for your family thats your choice. But encouraging a mother at home with her young baby that she should instead put the baby in childcare while she works outside her home, as some have done on this thread, is not a right choice, IMO.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with both parents working.

That is strictly opinion and one that differs from person to person. If the OP believes that two working parents is not right for her family, that is her choice. I just happen to agree with her. Now, IF her husband were doing everything possible to support the family and they were still not making ends meet, then, and only then, would I consider mom working to be an option.

 

[kage_ar]

It’s not that the only job he can get is retail, it’s that he apparently refuses to look for a job more suited to his field, which would be better off for his family. It’s not right that they’re on welfare because he’s not seeking a more suitable employment.

Gosh, do you live in the same town as the OP’s husband and own a company that will hire a bachelors degreed economist for 60K plus benis and a 401k?

Not every town has good paying jobs available - believe me, even if you KNOW someone, it is going to be difficult. This man has 18 years experience in retail. Chances are, economist jobs are few and far between, and they likely hire people right out of college for entry level jobs or people with experience for mid to senior level jobs. It could be done, if he were aggressive and was willing to work with a head hunter and maybe move.

Seems that it is fun to beat up on the dad who IS working.

 

[Eliza10]

… He COULD find a job outside the home that has more regular pay, but instead I work [granted I love my job] outside the home so he can follow his dreams…

You are young - and newly married, congratulations! One thing I observed over the years is how so many woman change their viewpoints when they hold their first new little baby! One woman I knew disliked her pregnancy and always said “I’m just not the Mom type!” Boy did she “fall” (in love) when the baby came. Another friend, when she was pregnant, insisted vehmently she would *never *lose her independance - she was going to keep her career! She changed. She fell in love with her babies and she to this day is not comfortable out of their sight for a few hours.

So don’t be surpirsed if there is a whole new view of priorities when the baby comes. Yours and your husbands dreams for your baby(ies) may take presidence over any of your individual dreams for yourselves…

http://lh3.ggpht.com/KristelBrewis/RkkSsQGYwrI/AAAAAAAABqk/cU8zDG8kVLo/s576/PICT0063.JPG

 

[Eliza10]

That is strictly opinion and one that differs from person to person. If the OP believes that two working parents is not right for her family, that is her choice. I just happen to agree with her. …

And so do I.

 

[whatevergirl]

You stayed at home before your kids were in school. But Naomi has a 20 month old baby and a husband who is disinterested in their NFP calender – so it might be quite some time before all her kids are in school! If you want to work while your kids are in school and that works for your family thats your choice. But encouraging a mother at home with her young baby that she should instead put the baby in childcare while she works outside her home, as some have done on this thread, is not a right choice, IMO.

Hi Eliza–Ok, I see where the rub comes in. Yes, I don’t think putting children in daycare at early ages, especially when a couple is struggling financially, makes sense either. I believe and hope that perhaps she can babysit, and still be home with her baby/children. That would be the ideal.

Sometimes, the ideal doesn’t happen for some women though. And if it doesn’t…and a woman needs to work to support her family, she shouldn’t be admonished for that. That is all I was saying.

But, I understand your sentiments, now that you clarify.

Thank you.

 

[thenewmrssears]

You are young - and newly married, congratulations! One thing I observed over the years is how so many woman change their viewpoints when they hold their first new little baby! One woman I knew disliked her pregnancy and always said “I’m just not the Mom type!” Boy did she “fall” (in love) when the baby came. Another friend, when she was pregnant, insisted vehmently she would *never *lose her independance - she was going to keep her career! She changed. She fell in love with her babies and she to this day is not comfortable out of their sight for a few hours.

So don’t be surpirsed if there is a whole new view of priorities when the baby comes. Yours and your husbands dreams for your baby(ies) may take presidence over any of your individual dreams for yourselves…

Cute baby!

We’re going to have to respecfully agree to disagree.

There is never going to be a time when I am going to be a SAHM. I guess you’d have to know me in real life to completely see that. I love children very much, and I can’t wait to have some. However, I am very corporate driven, and I believe that is my calling.

I don’t really think being younger has anything to do with it. I think it is just a generation thing. People in their 20s [for the most part] are taught that it is completely and utterly equal. I think the culture is just changing. Men and women have the abilities to do anything. I’ve never been told by anyone that I can’t have something because I am a woman or that a man can’t be at home because he is a man. I find the whole idea that a mom should stay home just because she is a woman propesterous. Men can do the job just as well.

Honestly, being a woman has never been a basis for a single decision I’ve ever made. I do what God calls me to do. I’ve never once thought I need to do this because I am a woman. Not once.

Like I said, we’ll need to agree to disagree.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

There is never going to be a time when I am going to be a SAHM.

I do what God calls me to do.

**
What if God calls you to be a SAHM? Only one of those statements can be true.**

 

[iluvmybabies]

Oh please stop with beating up this woman with comments like her wanting a “luxury” life. She wants to get off welfare for Christ’s sake. That is not a “luxury” life.

Her point is not that he is incapable of making enough to support his family but rather that he has the *ability *to earn enough to support the family and *refuses *to do so.

She’s frustrated. She’s tired. She’s at the end of her rope. She doesn’t need people tieing the knot in the noose for her.

I agree with you…to my exhusband I was lazy…We had discussed it before we were married he was getting an education and so was I, if we had children I was going to stay with them until they were school aged, then get a part-time job to help out with the expenses and have a little extra to be able to go out once in a while…but all things changed. I was lazy, I didn’t do anything…I was forced to get a job and had to spend half of my paycheck paying the babysitter just to please him…It’s no fair at all. If a man makes a deal, agreement, promise, whathave you, his word is supposed to be kept, instead of mistreating his wife because he doesn’t want to have to work better. I worked, dealt with the house work, bills, shopping, children, pet, school etc… I was exhausted, tired, beat, devastated, stressed beyond comprehension…I needed to breathe, I quit working, stopped school, etc…exhusband hated me, and disrespected me even more…To the point that I couldn’t stand the mental and physical abuse, I just left…
There is so much a woman can take…so much children can bare and I wasn’t allowing my children to grow up in a family full of anger and hate…
I pray things get better with this poor wife…
I know the feeling of wanting a decent home, a place to call your own, to be proud of what you have accomplished together as a family, as husband and wife…I never had that…

 

[thenewmrssears]

If he did I would stay home.

However, I believe with the opportunities he has presented me that is not the path he is planning for me. The opportunities he has given Nathan and the prayers he has answered for Nathan have us both sure God is calling him to stay home.

I have the utmost respect for SAHMs, and I surely think I would struggle if that was my calling. I am amazed at my mom for staying home for since I’ve been born. I think God has given SAHMs a wonderful gift, and I revel in the dedication they have to his calling.

I just don’t think there is anything wrong with a woman who isn’t called to be a SAHM. And, for some women, even if it is their calling, they can’t do it for one reason or another.

Does that make sense?

 

[iluvmybabies]

You said before that you had to take the check book off him because he spent the money and there was nothing left to pay the bills. Now, he is spending money you don’t have using his credit card. You don’t have to answer me, he needs to answer you, but what is he buying? Is he spending that money on necessities for the family? You might have to think about taking the credit card away from him too.

I agree with the poster about making up an income and expense statement and sitting down with him to discuss it, just like he would discuss the Profit & Loss statement of the store. He might be able to understand what you are so concerned about if he can see it in black and white, dollars and cents. I suppose I’m just having trouble understanding how a person who understands finances and runs a store can not seem to grasp the finances of running the family budget.

Praying for your situation.

O Glorious St. Joseph, who hast the power to render possible even things which are considered impossible, come to Naomi’s aid in her present trouble and distress. Take this important and difficult affair under your particular protection, that it may end happily. Help her and her husband to sort out her family’s financial difficulties that it may stay together and grow in the love of God.

O dear St. Joseph, all our confidence is in thee. Let it not be said that we would invoke thee in vain, and since thou art so powerful with Jesus and Mary, show that thy goodness equals thy power.

St. Joseph, friend of the Sacred Heart, pray for us.

prayerbook.com/Devotions/Joseph/stjoseph.htm

Let me tell you that my ex did the same thing…I would ask him where his 2000 dollar biweekly paycheck went and he would tell me things like, “oh I had to pay some people back! Oh hello I had to eat!! Oh well you aren’t the only one that gets to keep my paycheck!! You want money go to work!!” AND I honestly started stealing money from his pocket when he wouldn’t even give me to buy my children’s clothing, diapers, etc…It was difficult and when I started working and using my money to pay off bills etc he was so upset I wasn’t bothering him any more…then because I was exhausted of not having a single penny after working because all the money was gone to pay bills, and he spent all of his on whatever he wanted, I quit working and that’s when things got worst again!!!

 

[whatevergirl]

If he did I would stay home.

However, I believe with the opportunities he has presented me that is not the path he is planning for me. The opportunities he has given Nathan and the prayers he has answered for Nathan have us both sure God is calling him to stay home.

I have the utmost respect for SAHMs, and I surely think I would struggle if that was my calling. I am amazed at my mom for staying home for since I’ve been born. I think God has given SAHMs a wonderful gift, and I revel in the dedication they have to his calling.

I just don’t think there is anything wrong with a woman who isn’t called to be a SAHM. And, for some women, even if it is their calling, they can’t do it for one reason or another.

Does that make sense?

Yes, it makes sense. I think what is disheartening with these threads (not your fault, mrs sears, I’m just pointing this out) is that women, like yourself, feel the need to justify why you work, and what you and your dh plan to do when you have kids. Justify to no one…follow God. He is who you answer to, and that is who I answer to. Now, you never know…He may want you to be a SAHM, and you’ll have to report back to us all if that happens! lol I LOVED being at home when my kids were little…and God called me to be that. I think that as long as you follow God, He will take care of the details…no matter where the path leads.

 

[whatevergirl]

ELIZA–I LOVE THAT BABY PIC. Awwww!! Absolutely beautiful baby!!