Husband/Work - male responses encouraged

[tcm22]

Marriage is a partnership. There’s no real set rule about how the division of labor gets set-up, but the key is that you both agree. Since it’s clear you aren’t comfortable with the current arrangement you have two options – change it, or get comfortable with it. Whatever you do, cherish your marriage.

For what it’s worth, if he’s got time to watch 5 episodes of House on the computer he’s got time to have a PT job or do the laundry/shopping. Sounds like your husband may just have some growing up to do.

 

[cephas161619]

I think this is a great idea. I feel like there’s so much to communicate about now that we’re married and I don’t know where to begin. If it overwhelms me (and I love talking), I can’t imagine how he feels!

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I bet he wants to hear you talk. As long as you’re also willing to listen and really enter into dialogue - to talk with him, not talk to him or at him.

Cheerios.

 

[phoage]

Congrats EmBee!

May you both grow old togeather in love and the grace of God.

On a more mundane level, I was in aviation also and I would rather be flying (one turnin’, one burnin’, one smokin’, one chokin’) than anything else, but it is not to be (for me anyway). I have been out of aviation for almost 30 years. I could get a job but they just did not last and I could not get on with the airlines.

I changed professions, twice and went back to school.

When my bride (of 37 yrs) and I got married we divided responsabilities. She is in charge of everything from the Front door in. I am in charge of everything outside the front door. I also am a believer that “… a RealMan works to suppot his family”. I have bussed tables, swept floors, and dug ditches (for very brief periods) while looking for a real job and have only once been unemployed long enough to get unemployment compensation.

Having said that, for some jobs, you have to be available for an oppotunity instantly.

If he is like most men, this is very hard on him no matter how “laid back” he looks/acts. Women are defined by what they are (women). Men are defined by what they do. Ask yourself how you husband feels he is defined.

 

[rpp]

Marriage is a partnership. There’s no real set rule about how the division of labor gets set-up, but the key is that you both agree. Since it’s clear you aren’t comfortable with the current arrangement you have two options – change it, or get comfortable with it. Whatever you do, cherish your marriage.

For what it’s worth, if he’s got time to watch 5 episodes of House on the computer he’s got time to have a PT job or do the laundry/shopping. Sounds like your husband may just have some growing up to do.

I think I can understand why he is trying to avoid getting a part time job. As a flight instructor, he needs to have a very flexible schedule as it is often quite weather dependent. Additionally, it takes a great deal of time and effort to keep flying skills current. This is something that non-pilots do not understand. Flying is unlike any other activity a person engages in. Operating in three dimension is not normal for people, we are used to having the ground under our feet. Pilots are require to be absolutely alert at all times, while observing everything and interpret and calculate (yes, real math) fuel, speed, anticipate the next 5 things, all while trying to navigate, talk to ATC, monitor the weather, be aware of any applicable regulation (BIG job) and actually fly the plane.

There is a reason why the FAA says that if a pilot has not flown in 90 days, he is no longer poermitted to carry passengers and why scheduled airline pilots must be examined by another instructor every 6 months. Remaining current is more than just flying, it is reading and studying, keeping up with regulatory changes, trends, airport changes, etc. Being a pilot is NOT a career, it is a lifestyle.

Having an unrelated job would interfere with his ability to remain focused on flying. I am not a professional pilot but I do know that I could not hold down another job and maintain the qualifications it required of me to fly professionally.

 

[Seatuck]

Book recommendations- For Better Forever by Greg Popcak,
Matthew Kelly’s The Seven Levels of Intimacy, and Five Love Languages. ( don’t remember the author.

You need to find ways to communicate about your expectations and needs. You can do this without being a shrew or a “Kate”. You two have differences. This can be complementary and not so much adversarial when communication is good. Remember to pick the right time( not too tired, not hungry not distracted with something important. Pick the right place- comfortable , private. Get rid of the distractions - no tv, no radio. Face each other , touch a leg , hold hands or something. Be kind. You’ll get the hang of it. Hopefully you’ll have a lifetime to practice!

 

[whatevergirl]

I don’t think there’s any need for you to apologize for telling him the truth.

When one person in a marriage has a hiatus from work and is home a lot, the burden naturally falls on them to do most of the housework and cleaning and cooking and laundry. It just makes sense.

The question is how to bring this up and not be all Kate Gosselin about it.

*I agree with this. I think that we need to find ways to communicate our tensions with our spouse without coming across rudely, but sometimes, our tensions get the best of us. If my husband was home most of the day, or not working, whatever…there would be an understanding that he would naturally be keeping up with the house chores, etc…that should not fall on you, Em Bee. When I was a sahm, I took care of everything related to the house…laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, the kids, etc…my husband didn’t come home from work, and I expected him to now do all of the house chores, etc. That just isn’t fair, and perhaps, just sitting and explaining your thoughts to your dh will improve things.

I hope things work out for your dh with his work situation. It can be stressful, you’re in my prayers. :hug1:*

 

[EmBee]

If he is like most men, this is very hard on him no matter how “laid back” he looks/acts. Women are defined by what they are (women). Men are defined by what they do. Ask yourself how you husband feels he is defined.

This is a wonderful observation and I will definitely be thinking more about it.

I think I can understand why he is trying to avoid getting a part time job. As a flight instructor, he needs to have a very flexible schedule as it is often quite weather dependent. Additionally, it takes a great deal of time and effort to keep flying skills current. This is something that non-pilots do not understand … Being a pilot is NOT a career, it is a lifestyle.

In the past my husband has told me things that sound eerily similar to what you’ve written above. Thank you for reminding me of this.

Remember to pick the right time( not too tired, not hungry not distracted with something important. Pick the right place- comfortable , private. Get rid of the distractions - no tv, no radio. Face each other , touch a leg , hold hands or something. Be kind. You’ll get the hang of it. Hopefully you’ll have a lifetime to practice!

Thanks for the book recommendations! I’m getting better at choosing good times for conflict-resolution, but, as mentioned before, I sometimes get a little carried away (read: emotional). I am glad to know we have a lifetime to practice. He’s a wonderful man and I am very happy I married him before someone else did!

I hope things work out for your dh with his work situation. It can be stressful, you’re in my prayers. :hug1:

Thanks for the support, whatevergirl. I think a large part of the communication problem between us is that when I do get to sit down and talk to him I overload him with info about everything. I am thinking about setting aside time every few days to talk to him about specific things. Maybe that will help me focus on the matter-at-hand and also allow me to look towards the future and see that I have ample time to discuss Issue X another day.

–

 

[Earnest_Bunbury]

Today I accidentally made a comment over lunch, something to the effect of “I’m glad I make money so you can watch videos all day” (he was talking about his plan to watch 5 episodes of House on hulu.com today).​

First, you must be honest with yourself. To say you accidentally made a comment is not honest. You may have accidentally started an argumentative situation with the comment you intended to say all along because of frustration, frustration at wanting to take it easy while someone risks his life for a better life that, at this point, includes you. I say taking it easy because no matter what you are going to be doing in the future, it will be less dangerous than pilot work. Brutal honesty with oneself is a prerequisite for brutal honesty with someone else. If he is using you, then you have a beef with the person you picked out to commit your life to, but he isn’t the one talking to strangers about his life so any advise must be directed at the one asking for it and who’s evidence is presented.

 

[rpp]

Book recommendations- For Better Forever by Greg Popcak,
Matthew Kelly’s The Seven Levels of Intimacy, and Five Love Languages. ( don’t remember the author.

You need to find ways to communicate about your expectations and needs. You can do this without being a shrew or a “Kate”. You two have differences. This can be complementary and not so much adversarial when communication is good. Remember to pick the right time( not too tired, not hungry not distracted with something important. Pick the right place- comfortable , private. Get rid of the distractions - no tv, no radio. Face each other , touch a leg , hold hands or something. Be kind. You’ll get the hang of it. Hopefully you’ll have a lifetime to practice!

To everything here:

 

[journey137]

If your husband is anything like mine (read: doesn’t see messes and sometimes doesn’t know how to clean the ones he sees), you might have to give him a list. I gave up a long time ago asking him to “help out” or “pick up the kitchen”. It’s a futile effort that ends up with me frustrated and redoing his work and him angry that I’m redoing his work and that I don’t think he actually did what I asked. He’s getting better, but as a kid his parents did not teach him how to do simple chores (he’s 24 and I’m 23). If I’ve not shown him how to do it previously or if I don’t leave a detailed description on how to do it, it won’t get done properly. What I do if I need help is make a list. e.g. gather all the dishes from living room and put them in the kitchen, wash the dishes, wash the stove, wash the counters, sweep the floor - as opposed to - clean the kitchen. He knows what I expect from him and how I expect it to be done, I’m not upset that things don’t get done, and neither one of us are mad.

When you’re talking to him, some men need to be doing something to be comfortable opening up. Take a walk together, work in the yard together, do the dishes together - something that keeps your hands busy and your eyes not looking at each other while you talk. Also, instead of saying “how do you feel about xyz” try saying “what do you think about xyz”. It’s amazing the difference “feel” vs “think” makes in developing a meaningful conversation sometimes. Continue working on ways to communicate and good luck resolving this issue.

 

[Mickey_Finn]

I don’t think there’s any need for you to apologize for telling him the truth.

When one person in a marriage has a hiatus from work and is home a lot, the burden naturally falls on them to do most of the housework and cleaning and cooking and laundry. It just makes sense.

The question is how to bring this up and not be all Kate Gosselin about it.

Yes. Give the man a honey do list. House is a good show. But, he needs to pull his weight anyway he can.

 

[Sr_Sally]

You really need to be talking about these sorts of things everyday. In the morning just have a brief chat. “honey, what ar your plans for today?” Then, “Great, can you pick up some hamburger and grill for us tonight?” I have found that my husband is much more likely to cook dinner than say throw in a load of wash. If he will at least handle the groceries and dinner, that will make coming home from work much nicer for you.

Also, once dinner is over just ask him to do a few things at the same time that you do a few. “Hey, I need to throw in a load of laundry, can you bring the dirty clothes down please? And hey, grab those shoes and take them up on your way. Thanks honey!”

Has he looked for another job at the airport? Perhaps there is something behind the scenes that he can start doing? Even bookkeeping or cleaning planes would keep him close to what he loves, but also bring in more income.

 

[Sr_Sally]

Having said that, for some jobs, you have to be available for an oppotunity instantly.

If he gets a part time job waiting tables or bagging groceries, he will in now way be limiting his ability to be available instantly for a flying job. And if he has to truly be avialable instantly, then he should be dressed and ready to go every day.

I do understand that being a pilot is a difficult career anone that requires constant training, However, considering the state of the economy and the fact that major airlines are cutting back on flights and laying people off, Embee’s husband has to be very realistic about his chances of getting a full-time job in the next few months.

Given all that, I think it makes perfect sense for him to step up on the home-front and take some of the stress off of her so they can both be more relaxed.

 

[a_priori]

Drew and I got married May 15th of this year. He just graduated college and is looking for a job as a pilot. He currently works as a flight instructor and picks up part-time hours flying with some of his corporate connections. Nothing provides a steady paycheck and the industry looks like it’ll be at least a year before he has hope of getting on with a regional airline. Financially, it’s fine that he hasn’t gotten his first big job yet, as we get along fine relying on my income.

Problem: I’m becoming resentful that he’s not contributing more towards our income. I want him to pick up a part-time job (non-aviation-related). He says he won’t consider getting a PT non-pilot job for another year.

Today I accidentally made a comment over lunch, something to the effect of “I’m glad I make money so you can watch videos all day” (he was talking about his plan to watch 5 episodes of House on hulu.com today). I know that was wrong to say, but I said it. I’m frustrated. I feel like the burden is only resting on me. Not only do I provide the main source of income, I also keep the house up, run errands, cook meals, etc. I’m also stressed about TTA getting pregnant. He’s a really upbeat, passionate guy and sometimes I misread his carefree attitude to mean that he doesn’t care about finding a real job. I know in my heart that he does stress about finding a job, but … it’s just so hard to come home to a man who’s sitting on the couch playing video games and who stays there all afternoon while I cook/clean. Sigh.

Anyway, is there any way to approach him without causing a scene? Or do I just suck it up and keep my feelings to myself? Any advice on how to keep the frustrations in without being passive aggressive ?

–

I’ve known more than a few aspiring pilots over the years and what he is experiencing is very common. The one’s I’ve known who had a tendency to sit on the couch did not fair as well as the one’s who were moving all the time from opportunity to opportunity, inside aviation and out. It is still early in the game for him and paying one’s dues is a painful but necessary process.

I personally don’t think an apology is in order. Many men have had mothers and girlfriends picking up after them so they don’t feel the need to pitch in. He is part of a team now and needs to step up. The only way that will happen is if you gently raise expectations for him. The patterns you establish now will set the tone for your entire married life. You don’t have to act like a fishwife and nag him but you deserve a partner who contributes to the cause. Calm communication is the key. You obviously support him in his aspirations but he should show some reciprocity and help out.

Sitting around the house is NEVER useful. People who keep moving and are continually probing for opportunities (in and out of their intended career) get ahead in life. I’m sure he is a great guy and your future will be bright. This is just the time when people get their marital “sea legs” in preparation for the long voyage.

Congratulations on your marriage. Good stuff.

 

[choose_to_love]

EmBee, in post #27, you stated that a large part of the communication problem is that you overwhelm him when you do get to sit down and talk. This is a very common communication problem, as I understand it, and my bride and I have personal experience with this. For example, there was a time when one of my wife’s brothers was having a lot of issues. We were leaving one set of in-laws, just pulling onto the highway for the trip home, and I said “so what do you think about T.'s situation?” My bride then gave me all her thoughts and feelings, analyzed her responses, considered some different interpretations, re-analyzed her initial positions, and how she felt about all that. We had gone from one end of Long Island to the other (almost 2 hours) when she said to me,“so, what do you think?” To which I replied, “about what?” I mean, there were 75 different topics covered! Men also tend to want to jump to problem-solving rather than discussing feelings, and you can end up talking past one another.

Anyway, the point is that there are different communication techniques you can use when you are confronting an issue that your regular communication style is not working. You may want to look into the speaker-listener technique - - the speaker slows down his or her communication down to a more manageable level (one main thought, short, brief), and the listener must paraphrase your statement back to you to make sure the listener understands. I know it can sound silly, but it really works. Check out one site: prepinc.com/shopping/productdetail.asp?id=FVS-DVD for more on that or you can PM me.

I also have “mess blindness”, i.e., a mess which will drive my bride batty I typically will not even see, which I believe to be linked to the Y chromosome . Making expectations clear in terms that all understand goes a long way to resolving or avoiding misunderstandings.

BTW, congrats on the marriage - - we’ve been married nine years yesterday!

 

[msugeotech]

While I agree that both of you should sit down and communicate with each other in a positive manner, hubby needs provide some income. My wife would go bonkers if she came home and I’m playing XBOX while the house was a mess. You can apologize for the way you said something, but I don’t see the need for apologizing for how you feel - it’s just the way you feel, and it’s the truth. He shouldn’t put all the burden on you. I hope y’all can get this figured out.

 

[EmBee]

So, talked to the hub last night. I tried to be objective and not get emotional. I explained that I wasn’t trying to blame/shame him, but I do need more help around the house. I told him I understood why he couldn’t just pick up a part time job right now. There was a lot of silence and then he got up and vaccumed and started the laundry. When he finally sat down he told me I was being disrespectful, that he is constantly looking for jobs and he does vaccum. He said he doesn’t help around the house because I’ve spent too long doing things on my own and turning down his offers to help (he used to offer to help all the time) that now he just doesn’t want to help anymore. It turned into a long, ugly conversation. Afterwards he took a shower and I went for a walk. When I came home he was playing his video game. I was pleasant and we ate some ice cream.

This morning I left him a note asking him if he had time to please make the bed and finish the laundry. He texted me upset that his pants were not dry and he had to go to work. It was obvious he was still upset… He eventually said that I should make all the decisions about our relationship/money from now on because obviously that’s what I want.

I went about this all the wrong way. I should have just planted little seeds daily “can you do X today?” instead of making a big conversation. Unfortunately it’s too late for that. If I let it drop, he’ll calm down and act like nothing is wrong - but the next time we get stressed/fight, he’ll bring it up again. He’s obviously very hurt.

:: shuttingmybigmouth ::

–

 

[tcm22]

So, talked to the hub last night. I tried to be objective and not get emotional. I explained that I wasn’t trying to blame/shame him, but I do need more help around the house. I told him I understood why he couldn’t just pick up a part time job right now. There was a lot of silence and then he got up and vaccumed and started the laundry. When he finally sat down he told me I was being disrespectful, that he is constantly looking for jobs and he does vaccum. He said he doesn’t help around the house because I’ve spent too long doing things on my own and turning down his offers to help (he used to offer to help all the time) that now he just doesn’t want to help anymore. It turned into a long, ugly conversation. Afterwards he took a shower and I went for a walk. When I came home he was playing his video game. I was pleasant and we ate some ice cream.

This morning I left him a note asking him if he had time to please make the bed and finish the laundry. He texted me upset that his pants were not dry and he had to go to work. It was obvious he was still upset… He eventually said that I should make all the decisions about our relationship/money from now on because obviously that’s what I want.

I went about this all the wrong way. I should have just planted little seeds daily “can you do X today?” instead of making a big conversation. Unfortunately it’s too late for that. If I let it drop, he’ll calm down and act like nothing is wrong - but the next time we get stressed/fight, he’ll bring it up again. He’s obviously very hurt.

:: shuttingmybigmouth ::

–

Sounds to me like he’s comfortable in his current role and doesn’t want to change anything. All I know is what’s been presented in this thread, but from the way you decribe it, he’s got an excuse for everything.

He’s going to have to ask himself whether he values his TV and XBOX time more than he values and respects his marriage.

I don’t mean to sound harsh, but I think your husband is being immature and unreasonable.

Whatever you do, don’t give up. This is just your first example of why marriage is hard work. Stay loving, stay reasonable, stay respectful. You have a right to expect the same. Time for hubby to man up. If he’s not going to be out in the workforce, he should be able to manage his time to do the laundry and vacuuming.

 

[msugeotech]

Ditto. It’s time to put on the “I’m a big boy and married” pants and quit finding reasons to NOT do something.

Sounds to me like he’s comfortable in his current role and doesn’t want to change anything. All I know is what’s been presented in this thread, but from the way you decribe it, he’s got an excuse for everything.

He’s going to have to ask himself whether he values his TV and XBOX time more than he values and respects his marriage.

I don’t mean to sound harsh, but I think your husband is being immature and unreasonable.

Whatever you do, don’t give up. This is just your first example of why marriage is hard work. Stay loving, stay reasonable, stay respectful. You have a right to expect the same. Time for hubby to man up. If he’s not going to be out in the workforce, he should be able to manage his time to do the laundry and vacuuming.

 

[Becks]

So, talked to the hub last night. I tried to be objective and not get emotional. I explained that I wasn’t trying to blame/shame him, but I do need more help around the house. I told him I understood why he couldn’t just pick up a part time job right now. There was a lot of silence and then he got up and vaccumed and started the laundry. When he finally sat down he told me I was being disrespectful, that he is constantly looking for jobs and he does vaccum. He said he doesn’t help around the house because I’ve spent too long doing things on my own and turning down his offers to help (he used to offer to help all the time) that now he just doesn’t want to help anymore. It turned into a long, ugly conversation. Afterwards he took a shower and I went for a walk. When I came home he was playing his video game. I was pleasant and we ate some ice cream.

This morning I left him a note asking him if he had time to please make the bed and finish the laundry. He texted me upset that his pants were not dry and he had to go to work. It was obvious he was still upset… He eventually said that I should make all the decisions about our relationship/money from now on because obviously that’s what I want.

I went about this all the wrong way. I should have just planted little seeds daily “can you do X today?” instead of making a big conversation. Unfortunately it’s too late for that. If I let it drop, he’ll calm down and act like nothing is wrong - but the next time we get stressed/fight, he’ll bring it up again. He’s obviously very hurt.

:: shuttingmybigmouth ::

–

I can’t say whether you went about it wrong or not because I don’t know you guys well enough, but I can explain his reaction.

He was embarrassed. He was embarrassed because he’s known all along that he should be doing more to help out. His first reaction was anger. That’s when he started to vacuum to “show you” that he does pull his own weight, and lashed out at you. Then he feels bad for getting angry and tries to escape (he takes a shower). Now he’s shutting down. That’s when you say things like “I can’t do good enough for you so you can control everything, that’s the only thing that will make you happy!”

I’ve been there, I’ve done the same thing to my wife. Writing this is actually very cathartic for me. Thank you for the opportunity.

As to how to move forward, it’s going to take time. I actually think that lists work best. In the situation where he got mad because his pants weren’t dry, he can’t really be mad at anyone but himself. It was on his list, he should have done it. This is a good lesson for him to learn.

Let me be clear: don’t set him up to fail. Don’t put things on his list in the hopes that he doesn’t do it and then learns lessons. However, that will happen and that’s how he will learn.

I hope this helps. At the very least, writing it has helped me. Thanks again. I’ll be praying for you.