Husband's dirty magazines

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Maybe he’s not happy with what “he’s getting” at home, and is looking elsewhere to fill in the blanks…for now in print - respecting the physical aspects and moral obligations… give it time and he’ll look for reality to satify all needs…

As his wife you need to talk about your sexual relationship, find out what is lacking, and satisfy your husband’s needs.
 
Here is a strong recommendation that all wives read “The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands” by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.

She also has a book out, “The Proper Care & Feeding of Marriage”.
 
Jay2 said:
Maybe he’s not happy with what “he’s getting” at home, and is looking elsewhere to fill in the blanks…for now in print - respecting the physical aspects and moral obligations… give it time and he’ll look for reality to satify all needs…

As his wife you need to talk about your sexual relationship, find out what is lacking, and satisfy your husband’s needs.
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Oh my goodness, I can’t believe that is your advice! If you caught your young child shoplifting chocolate bars, would you blame yourself for not providing enough of or the right kind of them???
**Pornography is sinful, plain and simple. To suggest that a husband turns to porn because his wife isn’t doing enough of or the right kind of “it” is both degrading and insulting:mad: **
Of course there needs to be good communication between spouses so that each person’s reasonable wishes and desires can be met. But, just because they are not doesn’t give either one an excuse to sin.
many men like porn and it ends up replacing
** their spouse. What used to be good enough now isn’t because they live in a fanatsy world.**
Give me a break.
malia
 
Al_Masetti said:
Here is a strong recommendation that all wives read “The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands” by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.

She also has a book out, “The Proper Care & Feeding of Marriage”.
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I have read the first and it is excellent. Great advice for any wife (even if you think you’re already pretty good;) )
malia
 
I think that in future cases, other people involved, when he comes home you should just mention casually that he inadvertently subscribed to a pornographic magazine, and that you canceled it for him while you were doing billing stuff anyway. Act like you are sure he just wanted the interviews or something. Don’t they do a monthly interview? Haven’t seen it in so long but I think there is something like that.
 
Feanaro_s_Wife said:
Oh my goodness, I can’t believe that is your advice! If you caught your young child shoplifting chocolate bars, would you blame yourself for not providing enough of or the right kind of them???
**Pornography is sinful, plain and simple. To suggest that a husband turns to porn because his wife isn’t doing enough of or the right kind of “it” is both degrading and insulting:mad: **
Of course there needs to be good communication between spouses so that each person’s reasonable wishes and desires can be met. But, just because they are not doesn’t give either one an excuse to sin.
many men like porn and it ends up replacing
** their spouse. What used to be good enough now isn’t because they live in a fanatsy world.**
Give me a break.
malia
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I too thought that post was a bit uncharitable…

thanks for replying.
 
Jay2 said:
Maybe he’s not happy with what “he’s getting” at home, and is looking elsewhere to fill in the blanks…for now in print - respecting the physical aspects and moral obligations… give it time and he’ll look for reality to satify all needs…

As his wife you need to talk about your sexual relationship, find out what is lacking, and satisfy your husband’s needs.
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That is outrageous and insulting. When I caught my hubby he was “getting it” at home plenty -more than the average I’m sure. There were no issues -my husband is sitting right here and said the was absolutely not the reason, -he just liked looking at it. I can’t believe you would blame the woman because 'his needs" supposedly aren’t being met. We are talking about adults right? Mature adults take responsibilty for their own behavior and do not try to pin it on others. :mad:
 
Yep, that’s no excuse for sinning. However, to avoid the situation happening again, it might be a good idea to find out what made him look at porn. The fact that some men do something for a given reason (e.g. they watch porn because they prefer it to reality) doesn’t mean all do, or a specific indivdual does. If I had a wife and she ordered porn, I would make it clear that there will never be acceptance for that, plus, I believe I would stop sleeping with her until it were gone from the house. However, I would definitely look at the root of the problem. Maybe she was feeling lonely, maybe she didn’t like some changes to my apperance, whatever. I wouldn’t immediately assume, let’s say, traditionally perceived female frailty as a counterpart of the typically assumed male always wanting sex or having a natural affinity with sexual filth. Until he recognises he has a problem, however, not much can be done, simply because you can’t really go on and fix problems in marriage with someone who believes porn is okay anyway. If he saw it as a problem, there could be therapy, for instance. So that’s the difference.
 
rayne89 said:
That is outrageous and insulting. When I caught my hubby he was “getting it” at home plenty -more than the average I’m sure. There were no issues -my husband is sitting right here and said the was absolutely not the reason, -he just liked looking at it. I can’t believe you would blame the woman because 'his needs" supposedly aren’t being met. We are talking about adults right? Mature adults take responsibilty for their own behavior and do not try to pin it on others. :mad:
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Wooo, I’m afraid to get into this but I did want to mention that we can’t generalize.

That post about not getting needs met was pretty crass and a little uncharitable.

It still might have contained a nugget of truth nevertheless.

Lust in the sense of what we are talking about on this thread is the disordered desire for fulfillment of our sexuality and unity with another person.

Granted, some people might have an addiction and also some people who were abused tend to display self-destructive behaviors including pornagraphy use.

Furthermore, as much as everyone wants to talk about “true love” and “unconditional love” there is still a practical side to relationships. I’m sorry, but who here can honestly say they married their hubby/wife for ABSOLUTELY no other reason than to love that person? The unconditional love should rightly be present in a sacramental marriage, but that’s not the only thing!

Do women actually believe guys agree to marriage while thinking, “Sure! I am dying to marry Sue and I absolutely don’t care about the marital embrace!” do you think women walk down the altar thinking, “I can’t wait to marry John even though he can’t keep a job for 2 months and hates kids!”

If there were certain expectations for the marriage, especially ones agreed upon by both people, then not meeting a need in marriage can be a very efficient way of hurting your spouse deeply and perhaps even permanently. I’m guessing most people who are married on this board wanted to get married because the courtship was awesome. So what happens when you sign the marriage document and everything changes? In retail that’s called a bait and switch! 😉

It also makes it all the more easier for an affair or addiction to develop.

Anyways, the bottomline here is it would be in the OP’s best interest to try to learn more about the situation.

Is her hubby suffering from an addiction or depression?
Is he acting self-destructively due to some traumatic experience?

Or could it be that he is feeling at his wit’s end and trying to draw attention to himself? Maybe he is angry at her?

These are things the OP needs to delve into with her hubby. An unbiased 3rd party can help guide them through it as well.

In some cases, it really can be because a need was NOT being met in the marriage. That might not be the sole reason and it 100% does NOT justify the sinful behavior. But for healing to occur, well, it takes two to tango.
 
There is a humorous bit of truth:

Men enter marriage hoping their wives won’t change.

Woment enter marriage hoping their husbands will change.
 
My DH is a recovering porn addict. I caught him a couple of times looking at porn and needless to say, was crushed. I would never be so unfaithful to him; how could he do this to me? What I noticed both times was that he looked pretty bored with it, as though he might as well be reading the news or something. LOL It wasn’t what I would expect from a man looking at naked pictures of women.

After lots of couseling (just between the two of us and God - we live in Japan and don’t have decent counselors on base) he opened up about this addiction that he had been battling for years, after being molested by his stepfather and forced to look at porn with him. He didn’t want to look at it, and felt so empty and ashamed afterwards. I can’t imagine the pain he has gone through.

Our solution was to put a filter on the computer. This was something we discussed at length. We would have gotten rid of the computer altogether, but he needs it for school. He is very happy with having the filter and it helps him fight temptation. He says it’s a huge weight off his back. I don’t think your situation is similar to this, but I would talk to him about what’s missing in your marriage that he decided to go behind your back and look at other women. That’s a very selfish decision, and very childish as well. I’ll be praying for you and your DH.
 
hasikelee said:
Do women actually believe guys agree to marriage while thinking, “Sure! I am dying to marry Sue and I absolutely don’t care about the marital embrace!”
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Canon 1095, marital duties and all. Sex needs to be cared for, though it’s great if the marriage isn’t for lust, sure. 🙂
do you think women walk down the altar thinking, “I can’t wait to marry John even though he can’t keep a job for 2 months and hates kids!”
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Canon 1055 para. 1, not like 1095 doesn’t apply (para. 2-3, less likely para. 1, but still possible). Generally potential exclusion of progeny (exclusio boni prolis, Canon 1101 para. 2), as well as potential inability to fulfil or rejection of matrimonial/parental duties (canon 1135-1136) at the moment of contracting marriage.

Then, according to Canon 1066, marriage shouldn’t be celebrated if there are doubts regarding validity. Let’s not be too scrupulous, of course, but the attitudes you mention might actually be a bit too romantic, so it’s not such a bad thing that people don’t really espouse them. 😉
If there were certain expectations for the marriage, especially ones agreed upon by both people, then not meeting a need in marriage can be a very efficient way of hurting your spouse deeply and perhaps even permanently. I’m guessing most people who are married on this board wanted to get married because the courtship was awesome. So what happens when you sign the marriage document and everything changes? In retail that’s called a bait and switch! 😉
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Yep. I think many men do have the infamous and ridiculed fear that the wife will stop trying to be attractive or caring for herself when she’s already married. Or women that the man will stop making effort and leave all the burdens of marriage on the wife’s shoulders. To name a few. Of course, future conditions are not allowed, but deceiving someone in the process of courtship as to some specific qualities the other person specifically wants in a spouse, can make marriage invalid. Of course, just because a man feels less attracted to his wife than he was before doesn’t give him any rights or excuses to cheat or look at porn, nor does it make him the poor victim to be pitied and all. But on principle, yes, it’s very important to make sure the spouses understand what they want from each other and make sure they satisfy the legitimate needs.
In some cases, it really can be because a need was NOT being met in the marriage. That might not be the sole reason and it 100% does NOT justify the sinful behavior.
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Yes, it can. I think I know one such case, but in a civil marriage, not sacramental. Besides, as a rule, lonely men look at porn much more than those in relationships, unless we’re talking about dysfunctional types who can’t have it with one woman and need variety. Of course, there are always men whose fathers looked at porn, whose mothers didn’t complain, whom no one has taught that porn is wrong and who have no idea why porn should be forbidden for married men - it’s just a part of their life. Yay for liberal society. :rolleyes:
 
Well…Jeez Louise… I get drawn & quartered for pointing out an obviously un-resolved “issue” between a man & wife… (mod: edit)

If everything’s “perfect” at home… he’s “getting it” more than most, then why are nudie magazines being delivered to your house!… Is “getting it” *your *definition (of quantity/quality), or HIS definition???
When I caught my hubby he was “getting it” at home plenty -more than the average I’m sure. There were no issues -my husband is sitting right here and said the was absolutely not the reason, -he just liked looking at it.
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Is “More than average” based on your perception of how many times, or his? I’ll bet yours. Men think about sex every 15 seconds of every conscience minute. No lie.

I’ve been married nearly 19 years. Can you claim the same?

Other than our Faith, our physical relationship is about the only thing my wife & I truly share in common, and we make an effort to enjoy ourselves. We practice NFP. (mod: edit)

I have NO need or desire to look “elsewhere”. My wife satisfies both of my needs…my Man needs, and my Husbandly needs… there’s no cause for magazines or websites. You need to find out what’s missing.
 
Jay2 said:
Well…Jeez Louise… I get drawn & quartered for pointing out an obviously un-resolved “issue” between a man & wife… (mod: edit)

If everything’s “perfect” at home… he’s “getting it” more than most, then why are nudie magazines being delivered to your house!… Is “getting it” *your *definition (of quantity/quality), or HIS definition???

Is “More than average” based on your perception of how many times, or his? I’ll bet yours. Men think about sex every 15 seconds of every conscience minute. No lie.

I’ve been married nearly 19 years. Can you claim the same?

Other than our Faith, our physical relationship is about the only thing my wife & I truly share in common, and we make an effort to enjoy ourselves. We practice NFP. (mod: edit)

I have NO need or desire to look “elsewhere”. My wife satisfies both of my needs…my Man needs, and my Husbandly needs… there’s no cause for magazines or websites. You need to find out what’s missing.
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HIS -you lose, I do not turn down my husband unless I am sick or exhausted -and he usually wouldn’t even ask me if that was the case, he’s not that selfish. And much of time it’s me making the request. (mod: edit) Unlike all of my girl friends I’m the only one that doesn’t complain about their sex life -I enjoy it, I always have. I’ve been married 16 years, I doubt three years makes that big off a difference. He’s not looking at porn anymore. He hasn’t in quite some time. There is nothing missing. I’m not going to get into a war about who has the better sex life here. Trust me I am no prude -I’m not going into details on a public forum. I got married when I was 18, he was 19 -I’m well aware how often guys think about sex.

He did not have nudie magazines delivered to the house -this was online porn -you’ve got me confused with the OP. If you like when my husband get’s home from work I can have him PM since you’re so indoubt on quality of our sex life.:rolleyes: Some guys just like looking at naked women regardless of their sexlife -they shouldn’t but they do. There is no deep seated problem here. And unlike you my husband would never blame something that is his issue on me.
 
Please remember that posters on this board are as young as 13 years old. In the future, please refrain from detailing one’s marital embrace in terms that others might find too descriptive.
 
Jay2 said:
Well…Jeez Louise… I get drawn & quartered for pointing out an obviously un-resolved “issue” between a man & wife…

No, you get responded to with disbelief that a grown man would be immature enough to blame the wife in a relationship if the husband is looking at or addicted to porn.

If everything’s “perfect” at home… he’s “getting it” more than most, then why are nudie magazines being delivered to your house!…

Nudie magazines could be being delivered to the home because the husband does not understand the real purpose of marriage or know what unselfish, unconditional love really is. And in this society, you can hardly blame him.
**It seems that men who like porn are getting plenty of “it” at home but because they objectify women and do not truly love their spouse, it isn’t enough. **

Men think about sex every 15 seconds of every conscience minute. No lie.

You are obviously old enough to know better than to speak for an entire group of people. And, even if a man thinks of sex that often (called “lust” in my book) that in no way justifies his thinking that porn is the answer. What about single guys? According to your rationale, they are perfectly justified in looking at and abusing porn. How do you square that with the Catholic faith?

I’ve been married nearly 19 years. Can you claim the same?

**I fail to see how that matters? **

Other than our Faith, our physical relationship is about the only thing my wife & I truly share in common, and we make an effort to enjoy ourselves. We practice NFP.

That’s sad that you only share those two things in common. But if that works for you, I won’t knock it. And enjoying yourselves and practicing NFP do not make your view that porn must be the wife’s fault any easier to understand.

I have NO need or desire to look “elsewhere”. My wife satisfies both of my needs…my Man needs, and my Husbandly needs… there’s no cause for magazines or websites. You need to find out what’s missing.

How have you gotten this far in life and marriage with an attitude like that?
** If my husband thought like that it would be very hard to respect him. Thankfully, he understands what love really is and knows that his failings (if he has any) are in no way my fault…ever.**
Malia
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Pornography is bad for people. It exploits women, women who usually have been molested as children and who view their worth as solely sexual. It isn’t nice to exploit the victims of child molestors. It exploits men by appealing to their biological drives in a way that is hard for them to turn down, but which empties the very act of all real meaning and warps the marriage relationship.

I would have done the same thing you did. For my marriage and for my husband.
 
Has it occurred to anyone that he likes to READ Playboy Magazine?

I’ve picked up a Playboy Magazine a time or two (at friend’s and relatives houses) and found the articles to be quite interesting.

Being ashamed of naked women is a purely PURITANICAL phenomenon, not to be found in the Catholic Church, outside of Protestant/Puritanical United States.
 
Joseph_Mary said:
Has it occurred to anyone that he likes to READ Playboy Magazine?

I’ve picked up a Playboy Magazine a time or two (at friend’s and relatives houses) and found the articles to be quite interesting.

Being ashamed of naked women is a purely PURITANICAL phenomenon, not to be found in the Catholic Church, outside of Protestant/Puritanical United States.
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This barely deserves an answer… but really are you serious???
I’m sorry but you cannot really believe this surely??
Reading Playboy is a SIN.
Now all you need to ask yourself is, would Jesus read those magazines? Would He approve of them? Would Mary ever pose in one? Would Joseph be called St. Joseph if this was the kind of stuff he was in to? (I notice your name is Joseph Mary)
NO NO NO NO!!! It is NOT hard to understand why this is wrong, and I don’t care if they have the best articles ever written in them, you still have to look through the smut to get to them!!!
And it is NOT about being ashamed of naked women. It’s about exploiting women and using them as objects purely for self gratification and lust, completely void of love. Women are NOT sex objects, for men to lust after and drool over. It’s perverted. Absolutely wrong and sinful to look at these magazines even if it is for the articles, (which I don’t believe for a second!)
It is filth and garbage for the mind, not the kind of stuff that makes saints!
 
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