I am questioning whether I even want to be Catholic or Christian at all

[kill051]

kill051:

At nineteen I’d already been out on my own for four years, working full time and going to school.

You’re a man after my own heart. At 18 my father was fighting a war and by his early 20s he was the sole support of his mother because both of his brothers and his dad had died. I myself was living three states away from my parents and completely supporting myself including paying my own rent by the time I was 21. I don’t like how society keeps encouraging people to stay immature into their late 20s.

My dear, were I so inclined, I’d ask for your hand!

Your father sounds like a wonderful man. My own dad, wicked atheist that he was, was yet my model in matters of self-sufficiency. I never had to serve in the military, but ‘life’s school of hard knocks’ woke me up and knocked some sense into me at a young age. I’ve always been grateful for that. I think it’s far too easy to romanticise our youth, and forget just what self-centred so-and-so’s we were.

 

[steve-b]

So I have never had the best experience with my faith. From age 6 I wanted to be a priest but then I learned you had to pray a lot, and honestly with prayer I’ve found it boring and I don’t really get much out of it. With mass I also find it extremely boring unless I am doing something in the mass. As for my spiritual life I would describe it as nonexistant, I don’t pray really, and I don’t really like prayer.

When it comes to supporting the church I am 100% on board with it’s vision, and I do my best to support my priest in his ministry, if people want to conform to the Catholic faith I support them. I just don’t really live by it because I honestly don’t like or agree with a catholic lifestyle. When it comes to my faith personally I suck at being Catholic or even Christian.

I have been in mortal sin for the past 8 years, and I was confirmed in it, and I have committed innumerable sins. In addition I don’t really trust priests too much with my sins, I know they are sworn to never reveal anyone’s sins, but what if I receive a penance that makes me show my sins or seek help for my commonly recurring vices? That is my reluctance to confess.

Among other things I don’t like 90% of other Catholics. I find them extremely thin skinned and far too stringent with false purity, to the point that they consider the word hell a curse.

[snip for space]

Jesus own disciples, who saw His miracles, left Jesus because they weren’t able to accept what Jesus taught. What was Jesus answer to this? He knew in advance they would leave. Why did they leave? They had no faith.

Jn 6: 60 Many of his disciples, when they heard it, said, “This is a hard saying; who can listen to it?” 61 But Jesus, knowing in himself that his disciples murmured at it, said to them, “Do you take offense at this? 62 Then what if you were to see the Son of man ascending where he was before?[e] 63 It is the spirit that gives life, the flesh is of no avail; the words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life. 64 But there are some of you that do not believe.” For Jesus knew from the first who those were that did not believe, and who it was that should betray him. 65 And he said, “This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless it is granted him by the Father.”

66 After this many of his disciples drew back and no longer went about with him. 67 Jesus said to the twelve, “Will you also go away?” 68 Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life; 69 and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God.”

Faith is a gift.

1. Ask for it. God won’t deny you
2. once one has faith they can’t just sit on it. One needs to continuously build on it with the following or as Peter says they will fall.

prayers ascending for you and faith

 

[midori]

My apologies, but I’m being honest.

This is again why I think I should seriously just leave. I clearly don’t belong in this crowd.

What do you think we all had to get over? That’s why we’re talking the way we do— because we’ve been there, we’ve thought that, and we’ve outgrown it in our efforts to become better people. Sometimes we backslide, and our self-centeredness comes to the front. But then we pick up the pieces and try again. But the good in our lives and personalities come s from the grace of God-- because we had the humility to ask for it— because, deep down, I’d say very few of us are innately kind, amazing, paragons of virtue and selflessness. I know I’m not, but I try to be better at disguising it… and maybe someday, before I die, I’ll actually figure out how to be the person I’m supposed to be.

1If I speak in the tonguesa of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,b but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

 

[BoomerangToo]

OP, you have far too many issues going on than can be addressed in an internet forum. I suspect most of these issues will clear themselves up as you become more mature and experienced in life. In the meantime, just say this one little thing every day: the “Jesus Prayer.” Say it at least once a day. It will only take four seconds of your time. Start there and let the Lord help you.

"Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner!"

 

[BenVirtes]

Lol. You think you’re being harsh? You have no idea what I have been through.
Harshness to me is being led to believe that you could trust someone and actually care for them just to find out they’re using you like a resource.

Harshness to me is having to pretend like I have something to live for for three years.

Your words in comparison are a slap on the wrist.

As for the rest of your post, honestly I’ve been through too much religious study in my school not to be blind to the fact that Christ died for my sins.

That isn’t the issue. I’m not blind. The issue is that I have been screwed over by the world in one regard, and that has made me a completely different person. This new person is who we’re talking about, like I stated in the OP I have many issues with my faith and I don’t get along well with some of the ideas.

But on the flipside you need to realize that because I am questioning my faith it means that I actually care about it. If I didn’t care about my faith like I used to I’d never of signed up here.

The other issue is that I am also holding onto a lot of hatred and resentment and I have not found a way to let it go.

The other issues with my faith I have no idea what they even remotely are.

 

[Cor_ad_Cor]

Since you can acknowledge this, help is possible if you want it. You just can’t get it from an internet forum. It will be a therapist. We’ll pray for you and offer support and encouragement along the way. BUT you have to want it.

 

[BenVirtes]

However, I do have one reply to all the people who classify me as immature.

So you been to death’s door three times and been fine by the time you were 19? I’ve spent weeks in the hospital for things which almost killed me and had no problem with it. And this was in the middle of all of this. I didn’t freak out. Not to mention overcoming suicide twice, I nearly killed myself twice because I loved people several years ago, no wonder I find relationships repulsive.

I saw the posts where you suggest mandatory military service because it “makes people realize the world isn’t about them”. I fully support the military and greatly appreciate what they do. But all the same honestly you’ve clearly forgotten what it means to survive these things, it makes you focus on yourself more because what good is the person to your left if you’re dead? The fact that I even went through half of this and am alive is proof that I have mettle. The fact that I support the church even though I don’t really believe in it also shows I know the world isn’t just about me. I recognize that I am not fully mature, but I am not some immature imbecile. And most of all, I know that Christ died for my sins, but I’d rather make a true confession and actually come back than faking it like I have so many times. Either that or leave.

I don’t mean to insult anyone, I know you’re just trying to help.

 

[goodcatholic]

That is an incredibly negative post bordering on absurd. There sure are a lot of things you don’t like and its not only Catholic related.

I think you have mental health issues. Now that may sound harsh but if you continue to look at things through such a dark lens you will only make yourself and others miserable.

 

[Annie]

I do hope, since you say you nearly killed yourself twice, that you have been seeing a therapist or a counselor about the issues which led you to that point.

If you find prayer boring, I would say you are not doing it right.Think about what you say in your prayers. Sometimes we only say set prayers and we “pray” the same prayers every day to the point that we are not really paying attention.

. Yep, if that is our whole prayer life, prayer will be boring.

Sometimes all we do is complain to God and ask Him for things. Eh, that can be boring too.

There are billions of reasons prayer can be boring, but they all boil down to you’re doing it wrong.

Why don’t you start with this one question, and start a thread asking how to pray? Write what you think praying consists of, and ask how you can improve it.

As to Confession, if you purposely left a mortal sin out of your confession, that was a sacrilegious confession, and you need to re-confess those sins, subsequent sins, the sin of making a sacrilegious confession, and the sin of receiving the Eucharist while in a state of mortal sin.

If you think it will take longer than 5 minutes or so to confess all that, you can make an appointment for confession and ask the priest to meet you in the confessional so you don’t have to do it face to face if you don’t want to.

You can even call a priest in another parish to do this.

When ai returned to the Church, I prayed the Sorrowful Mysteries almost exclusively for a long time (months). Maybe ask a gokd priest to recommend a prayer if you are not comfortable with the rosary. I mention this because praying the Sorrowful Mysteries like that “jumpstarted” my growth along the spiritual path.

And finally, no, your choices are not marry or become a priest. Those are what they are because of the vow of lifelong fidelity. There are many other ways.

 

[Dlee]

Please, contact your pastor and frankly discuss all of this with him. If he doesn’t help you, find another who will. You have revealed more about your situation as this thread has developed. I imagine some of the responses you received early on would not have been made if all the facts were known. There is no one on this site you can give you the clear answer you are seeking. This is where your pastor comes in. He can steer you to Christ. You are seeking Christ and He is waiting for you.

 

[Cor_ad_Cor]

I don’t want to engage in a contest of traumas with you, but I’ve experienced my share. I think the are folks on this site who have. They are uniquely yours, but in themselves don’t make you special because while they may shape you in some way, they don’t define you. The challenge is to come out of those with growth and maturity - more love, inner peace, care and concern for relationships - especially with God. Trust me, I know it’s not easy. You CANNOT do it alone. The alternative is to turn inward, dwell on yourself, hate the thought of relationships or walking with the Lord, and never move beyond any of those events. That’s the easy path.

So whether you like it or not, you have a relationship now. With me. On a spiritual level, at least, because I’m praying for you constantly that you get what you need. Peace.

 

[Vico]

…

I am bored with prayer because it is prayer, and because I make my faith completely unemotional because of the tendency of people to rely upon prayer as an emotional support instead of a spiritual communication, making it more about themselves than God.

Catechism

2559 "Prayer is the raising of one’s mind and heart to God or the requesting of good things from God."2 …
2 St. John Damascene, Defide orth. 3,24G 94,1089C.

2562 Where does prayer come from? Whether prayer is expressed in words or gestures, it is the whole man who prays. But in naming the source of prayer, Scripture speaks sometimes of the soul or the spirit, but most often of the heart (more than a thousand times). According to Scripture, it is the heart that prays. If our heart is far from God, the words of prayer are in vain.

Collins Dictionary,

heart (singular noun)
4. The heart of something is the most central and important part of it.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

You think you’re the only one who had to deal with personal/ family tragedies, broken relationships that cause horrible emotional pain, and suicidal thoughts or even attempts by the time you’re 19? A majority of the people I know, including myself, went through that. It’s not easy and I’m not saying it’s easy, but your experiences are largely common to a huge part of the population. You’re not a special case. Life is difficult.

I tend to agree with the others who are saying that the help you need, you should be seeking from a therapist, not on an Internet forum.
God bless.

 

[Shakuhachi]

I tend to agree with the others who are saying that the help you need, you should be seeking from a therapist, not on an Internet forum.

No there is nothing wrong with that and it doesn’t have to be long term. The local health department might have free or reduces counseling if cost is an issue.

 

[Annie]

I am bored with prayer because it is prayer, and because I make my faith completely unemotional because of the tendency of people to rely upon prayer as an emotional support instead of a spiritual communication, making it more about themselves than God.

Now that you understand that the Church does not teach that you must either become a priest or marry, can you consider the wisdom of refusing to do something simply because some people do it wrongly?

 

[VeryBlessed]

OP, I’m so glad you haven’t yet given up on faith. Don’t allow the hardness of life to harden YOU. Give your heartbreaks to Jesus, ask him to comfort and heal you, and ask him to make you like him - tender hearted and yet so strong. Embrace humility! Keep looking for a form of prayer that fits you. I write out a prayer from my heart to God most days; it works for me better than a verbal prayer. Most of all, gauge yourself by your heart. Are you becoming more or less hard-hearted? If you find yourself growing in hardness of heart or pride or harshness, seek God all the more. Joy, love, peace are all wide open to you. Don’t give in to despair. God loves you desperately, obsessively. And allow room for your own limitedness. Your current opinions may be based on erroneous assumptions. Our own smallness is one reason why it is so good to stay connected to such a big beautiful good God. Bless you!

 

[DisorientingSneeze]

Not everyone grows up at the same speed. Maybe the OP included. That’s all I was trying to say.

THIS. Especially spiritually.

Several things are going on in this thread. Dismissing someone as immature based on their age never gets us anywhere with that person (but many of you are correct that there is immaturity in the thoughts expressed in the OP)

Do you remember when you were young and old people did that to you? I remember I hated it soooo much. Then you get older and think it will stop but it doesn’t. (I have seen posters in these forums talk down to a 50 year old because they are 60! )

It is evident we all dislike this based on all the responses where people react to the brain based research of people not being adults until they are 25. We all jumped to prove we were self sufficient and doing adulty things. I’m ashamed it is my kneejerk reaction every time I hear the 25 thing.

To the OP I’m so sorry you are feeling all this despair. Please seek help or continue to seek help. People are giving you good advice here to push through dryness in prayer, focus less on the I and go to confession. The devil doesn’t want you to be at home in the Catholic Church, prove him wrong. Spiritual growth will make discerning your vocation much easier and your despair much less.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

It is evident we all dislike this based on all the responses where people react to the brain based research of people not being adults until they are 25. We all jumped to prove we were self sufficient and doing adulty things. I’m ashamed it is my kneejerk reaction every time I hear the 25 thing.

There is no reason to be ashamed of your reaction. The “25 thing” is being used in the legal context to try to “excuse” serious crimes committed by people between ages 18 and 25. Yet those people are old enough to vote, sign their own legal agreements and all sorts of other things. In previous generations, brains presumably took the same number of years to finish growing or whatever, but people could not wait around until they were 25 to have independent lives when many people died by middle age (if they even made it to 25 to begin with).

it’s an excuse, plain and simple. I hold “the 25 thing” in great contempt.

 

[DarkLight]

I don’t know. A large part of growing up for me was being able to say sometimes it was about me. It took a long time to find the right balance. As a younger person I had the message that me being available for what other people wanted me for, was more important than seeing that my own needs got met and that I was treated with respect and dignity. I see the “all about me” phase as something that was necessary to spend the time focusing on myself enough to heal and build the strength I needed, to where I could give to others in a healthy way while not being taken advantage of.

We have to grow into maturity. A poster on this forum told me once, you can’t work a colt like a horse and expect to get a healthy adult horse out of it. Those with broken childhoods often need the chance to heal. I am not sure if it’s really the age thing so much as needing the chance to find your balance on your own. I don’t know much about OP’s past, but I know for me personally, a good deal of the maturation process required not being around the toxic influences of my past.

@BenVirtes My first suicide plan was when I was 8 years old. At your age, I was in a relationship with a Catholic man that involved both sexual abuse and physical threats. I still have a mess of self-harm scars. It’s not all pretty for all of us.

I can tell you a couple of things. One is that unfortunately, those who are broken are often magnets to those who want someone they can take advantage of. I suspect once you put yourself back together more, you’ll find you’re able to have relationships that are not so damaging. The fact that your partners will also be older and thus overall more mature will also help.

That said, it is not a sin to remain single. If you don’t feel called to marriage, you are absolutely allowed to live your life out as a single Catholic. The only requirement is that one is not allowed to engage in sexual activity outside of marriage. But it is not a sin to live a single, chaste life.

As far as prayer - a lot of people do it wrong. Some use it in ways that hurt others, even. But it does matter even if you don’t feel anything. Keep it simple - you don’t need to spend hours in prayer, or to have elaborate focus or ritual. Say a rosary, or even just a decade. Or say the divine mercy chaplet. Or really, say any prayer that you happen to like, the important thing is doing a little bit of it. Personally I find prewritten prayers easier at those times.

A priest cannot require anything in confession that would require you to reveal anything. If it helps, you can confess anywhere - I know some people feel better going behind the screen at a parish where they aren’t known.

And I can tell you - I’m 30 years old and life is a LOT better. Do what you need to do to heal yourself. Talk to your pastor. See a therapist if you can; your pastor may also know some places that can help financially if you need it. I know everyone says “it gets better”, but I can tell you it really actually did and I didn’t think it would.

 

[Sedona]

If you commenced living without a declared religion and a defined set of dogmas, would that preclude you from having a fulfilling and spiritual encounter with life?