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NoxSineStellae
Guest
Nicole, I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. Your story made me cry because it was so familiar. I was molested by my father’s best friend when I was 3 1/2 (there’s evidence it happened before that too, but that’s the one I remember clearly). I remembered it like a strange nightmare all while growing up. The memory would come and go, usually coming when a boy would have a crush on me or whatnot. I clearly remembered the assault, and running home, and telling my mother. I knew this guy wasn’t around anymore, but my parents never spoke to me about it and I thought that they had ignored it.
When I was 17 and being pressured to date a boy who very much reminded me of my molester physically (and he was also being very aggresive sexually, putting dirty notes in my locker) the memory was constantly in my head. I couldn’t get away from it, but I had never put a name to it. And then one afternoon I was watching an Oprah show about sexually abused kids, and they showed a picture one had drawn of themselves, and it was nothing but an angry black scribble - and I knew at that instant what it was, and why I had felt like that angry black scribble on the inside, as far back as I could remember.
I went to my mother and told her I thought something bad had happened around the time my sister was born and she burst into tears and asked me what I remembered, and she verified what I had told her. Apparently they had gone to a doctor and the police and a priest. The doctor urged them to press charges, the one policeman said “she’s only 3, don’t put her through this”, one said “kids make stuff up” (how would a child - with genital injuries - who had never seen a sexual act in real life or on tv know how to make it up?!), and the priest told my mother “not to air dirty laundry and let the man live in peace, we all make mistakes, are you perfect?” The priest also told her that if she didn’t talk about it I would stop talking about it, and if I stopped talking about it, I obviously had forgotten it. So nothing was ever done legally, and my father’s friend left with his wife for parts unknown, and the only time it was mentioned was when I warned my baby sister that a man would hurt her crotch if she disobeyed. My mother says at that time she told me I was a good girl and it wasn’t my fault, and it never “came up” again.
My mother’s reaction was wonderful when I was a teen, she got me into a terrific therapist, she listened to me in all the ways I needed and has made me feel accepted and loved although I still struggle terribly with feelings of self-worth, especially as they relate to my sexuality. My father has never spoken a word about it except to tell me I’m the reason why he can’t have friends and is miserable, and that I ruined his life, first by being born, and then by being such a *****.
Yeah, sometimes fathers aren’t the great protectors they’re supposed to be.
You are absolutely 100% doing the right thing here. His fiancee needs to know before the wedding, and finding out about your sister is a perfect “excuse” for the timing. I don’t believe you can ever “mistakenly” sexually assualt someone, 1 time is 1 time too many, but it being a habit/pattern does make more people pay attention.
I hope you and your sister find a good therapist and can heal from your wounds - and don’t let your parents rub salt in them either. Ben is the one who should be ashamed and kept quiet, HE is the criminal, not you and your sister and any other little girls he may have assaulted.
When I was 17 and being pressured to date a boy who very much reminded me of my molester physically (and he was also being very aggresive sexually, putting dirty notes in my locker) the memory was constantly in my head. I couldn’t get away from it, but I had never put a name to it. And then one afternoon I was watching an Oprah show about sexually abused kids, and they showed a picture one had drawn of themselves, and it was nothing but an angry black scribble - and I knew at that instant what it was, and why I had felt like that angry black scribble on the inside, as far back as I could remember.
I went to my mother and told her I thought something bad had happened around the time my sister was born and she burst into tears and asked me what I remembered, and she verified what I had told her. Apparently they had gone to a doctor and the police and a priest. The doctor urged them to press charges, the one policeman said “she’s only 3, don’t put her through this”, one said “kids make stuff up” (how would a child - with genital injuries - who had never seen a sexual act in real life or on tv know how to make it up?!), and the priest told my mother “not to air dirty laundry and let the man live in peace, we all make mistakes, are you perfect?” The priest also told her that if she didn’t talk about it I would stop talking about it, and if I stopped talking about it, I obviously had forgotten it. So nothing was ever done legally, and my father’s friend left with his wife for parts unknown, and the only time it was mentioned was when I warned my baby sister that a man would hurt her crotch if she disobeyed. My mother says at that time she told me I was a good girl and it wasn’t my fault, and it never “came up” again.
My mother’s reaction was wonderful when I was a teen, she got me into a terrific therapist, she listened to me in all the ways I needed and has made me feel accepted and loved although I still struggle terribly with feelings of self-worth, especially as they relate to my sexuality. My father has never spoken a word about it except to tell me I’m the reason why he can’t have friends and is miserable, and that I ruined his life, first by being born, and then by being such a *****.
Yeah, sometimes fathers aren’t the great protectors they’re supposed to be.
You are absolutely 100% doing the right thing here. His fiancee needs to know before the wedding, and finding out about your sister is a perfect “excuse” for the timing. I don’t believe you can ever “mistakenly” sexually assualt someone, 1 time is 1 time too many, but it being a habit/pattern does make more people pay attention.
I hope you and your sister find a good therapist and can heal from your wounds - and don’t let your parents rub salt in them either. Ben is the one who should be ashamed and kept quiet, HE is the criminal, not you and your sister and any other little girls he may have assaulted.
It’s a long story but I’ll try to make it short and coherent.
. I won’t get into details but I remember crying and him only stopping when his sisters came in the room and saw what was going on. Now I was really young when that happened, but for some reason I still remember very clearly everything that happened.
She asked me what I remembered, and I told her everything. She told me that I was 4 when it happened (so Ben was 15), that her and my father were travelling so I stayed at my aunt’s house, and that when they came back I told them that Ben had “touched my parts” and that when they confronted him about it he denied it, but my aunt and my uncle apologized for him. I was really angry to learn that all that time my parents knew about this and they never tried to talk to me about it, that I had to deal with this alone.