C
cathmomus
Guest
Dear TamM,
I wish I could give you the encouragement you seek regarding your annulment and joining the Catholic church. However, I cannot. I share many of your frustrations and understand that the obstacle of annulment and remarriage is frequently one that many people do not overcome.
I was born and raised Catholic, attended Catholic school, had a great uncle who was a priest, an uncle who is a deacon, devout parents, etc.
However, when I was 34 - 10 years ago- I met and married a divorced Catholic man. My husband was raising his four children all alone and doing a wonderful job of it. His ex-wife was pregnant when he married her, and so, he married her fearing that if he did not do so she might abort the pregnancy or he would never see his child again.
Unfortunately, his ex never took her marriage vows seriously. She cheated on her husband, became a stripper and performed sex acts for money. She was an unfit mother and wife and also an unreformed alcoholic.
After many years of seeking counseling, and putting up with the worst kind of home life my husband finally gave up and divorced his first wife.
When I met my husband, I knew that I should not become involved with him because he was divorced. However, I simply fell in love with him and knew that he was a wonderful father and would make a wonderful husband. I felt that with me at his side we could provide a wonderful family life for his children and any children we might have. Knowing several Catholics that had received annulments and were remarried and believing that my husband could and would easily receive an annulment, I went ahead and married in a legal and religious ceremony that was not blessed by the Catholic church.
I thought that in a year or two at most my husband’s annulment would come through and we would have our marriage blessed by the Catholic church. Unfortunately, that has not been the case.
So many trying and difficult things happened to both of us after we were married. Both of us lost immediate family members within the first two years of our marriage. In addition, the health of my husband’s parents began to decline after that and my husband and I felt obligated to care for them. After several years of much work caring for them, my husband’s father finally died and now his mother lives with us.
About 3 years ago, seven years into our marriage, I felt that I could not continue to live without my Catholic faith and the sacraments - especially the reception of our Lord and Savior Jesus in the Holy Eucharist. I was praying and praying to be reunited to the Catholic Church and I felt that I received an answer from God. It was that I could be reunited to the Church instantly through the sacrament of reconciliation - confession- and then I would be able to receive communion.
So, I dragged myself to church and made my confession. Our parish priest told me that in order to be reunited to the Catholic church I must promise to live a celibate life. I agreed and received communion and told my husband that this was my intention and that he must file for an annulment of his first marriage. He agreed saying that his intent all along - whether he had met me or not- was to file for an annulment as he had married under duress so to speak. He met with our parish priest and filled out all of the many, many detailed and personal questionnaires about his first marriage, eventhough he is a very private person and this was very painful for him. Meanwhile this was when his father was very ill and required much attention and care from my husband.
So, my husband filled out all of the paperwork and every time we thought we were finished with the tribunal - more requests - more delays. Finally, a response from his ex - lies and the tribunal asked my husband for more information based on his ex’s lies. ( No, this was not a he said, she said thing but a lie that was easily repudiated but still has slowed the process.)
So now three years have gone by. To live as brother and sister for that long was just not working for us and was beginning to damage our relationship. Afterall, I promised to be my husband’s wife NOT his sister. Intimacy in a marriage is important in keeping a marriage strong I believe. But for quite awhile - at least the first year I would say we both tried. A month or six weeks would go by and then we would give in to our need to be intimate with one another. I would go to confession and some priests were understanding and others were not so understanding. At any rate, I felt like a hypocrite since promising to live a celibate life WITHIN marriage for an unspecified period of time is unrealistic.
So, for the second year of this process my husband and I would go to church, join in church activities, volunteer, etc - we have a young child together and felt we must set an example - however, we would not receive communion. Then, in the 3rd year of this process, our child received first communion and began to ask why mommy and daddy could not go to communion as well. That was heartbreaking to try to explain.
Now we have lost heart. I feel so much the outsider when I go to mass. One weekend our child asked us to go to church and then would not go to communion since we weren’t going. It is horribly painful. I do not understand why my child should have to suffer as well.
Many of my husband’s witnesses, unfortunately, are dead. As well, being a very private person he did not share much of the heartache and difficulties of his marriage with anyone. Still, according to our parish priest who is a very educated man, my husband’s first marriage easily meets the criteria for annulment.
I pray and pray and pray and feel so abandoned by the Catholic church. I have witnessed many miracles during my lifetime and wonder why this is taking so long. I have a friend from childhood who is Catholic but was never very religious and did not follow the Church’s teachings as an adult. She married in her thirties in the Catholic church and the marriage only lasted a few months. She filled out one and only one questionnaire - did not have to produce any witnesses - and got her annulment almost immediately through the influence of a priest. I have also heard stories of people who have made donations to the tribunal and suddenly their annulment came through. Although we have always been told that money is not an issue when we ask. We made one small donation of several hundred dollars and that was it.
Now I am wondering whether or not we should make another donation. Should we contact the staff psychologist who has been reviewing the case for almost 6 months? Should we speak to our parish priest? Obviously we must continue to pray which we do. I recently learned that even if an annulment goes through the vindictive ex - who herself is remarried - can appeal. What then?
I do not want to discourage you from becoming Catholic. I truly believe in the truth of the sacraments. However, I also believe that where man is involved there will be corruption and sin. I have always said that one should not throw out the baby with the bath water. Like many Catholics there are things about our church I do not like.
However, unlike many divorced Catholics I know who remarry and receive communion anyway, I try to follow the rules. I want so much to be part of the Church but feel like a victim - because I too made a “bad” choice. I love my husband and our life very much but suffer every day because I cannot receive the sacraments until this is resolved.
Good luck and God Bless you. Whatever you decide God loves you.
Cathmomus
I wish I could give you the encouragement you seek regarding your annulment and joining the Catholic church. However, I cannot. I share many of your frustrations and understand that the obstacle of annulment and remarriage is frequently one that many people do not overcome.
I was born and raised Catholic, attended Catholic school, had a great uncle who was a priest, an uncle who is a deacon, devout parents, etc.
However, when I was 34 - 10 years ago- I met and married a divorced Catholic man. My husband was raising his four children all alone and doing a wonderful job of it. His ex-wife was pregnant when he married her, and so, he married her fearing that if he did not do so she might abort the pregnancy or he would never see his child again.
Unfortunately, his ex never took her marriage vows seriously. She cheated on her husband, became a stripper and performed sex acts for money. She was an unfit mother and wife and also an unreformed alcoholic.
After many years of seeking counseling, and putting up with the worst kind of home life my husband finally gave up and divorced his first wife.
When I met my husband, I knew that I should not become involved with him because he was divorced. However, I simply fell in love with him and knew that he was a wonderful father and would make a wonderful husband. I felt that with me at his side we could provide a wonderful family life for his children and any children we might have. Knowing several Catholics that had received annulments and were remarried and believing that my husband could and would easily receive an annulment, I went ahead and married in a legal and religious ceremony that was not blessed by the Catholic church.
I thought that in a year or two at most my husband’s annulment would come through and we would have our marriage blessed by the Catholic church. Unfortunately, that has not been the case.
So many trying and difficult things happened to both of us after we were married. Both of us lost immediate family members within the first two years of our marriage. In addition, the health of my husband’s parents began to decline after that and my husband and I felt obligated to care for them. After several years of much work caring for them, my husband’s father finally died and now his mother lives with us.
About 3 years ago, seven years into our marriage, I felt that I could not continue to live without my Catholic faith and the sacraments - especially the reception of our Lord and Savior Jesus in the Holy Eucharist. I was praying and praying to be reunited to the Catholic Church and I felt that I received an answer from God. It was that I could be reunited to the Church instantly through the sacrament of reconciliation - confession- and then I would be able to receive communion.
So, I dragged myself to church and made my confession. Our parish priest told me that in order to be reunited to the Catholic church I must promise to live a celibate life. I agreed and received communion and told my husband that this was my intention and that he must file for an annulment of his first marriage. He agreed saying that his intent all along - whether he had met me or not- was to file for an annulment as he had married under duress so to speak. He met with our parish priest and filled out all of the many, many detailed and personal questionnaires about his first marriage, eventhough he is a very private person and this was very painful for him. Meanwhile this was when his father was very ill and required much attention and care from my husband.
So, my husband filled out all of the paperwork and every time we thought we were finished with the tribunal - more requests - more delays. Finally, a response from his ex - lies and the tribunal asked my husband for more information based on his ex’s lies. ( No, this was not a he said, she said thing but a lie that was easily repudiated but still has slowed the process.)
So now three years have gone by. To live as brother and sister for that long was just not working for us and was beginning to damage our relationship. Afterall, I promised to be my husband’s wife NOT his sister. Intimacy in a marriage is important in keeping a marriage strong I believe. But for quite awhile - at least the first year I would say we both tried. A month or six weeks would go by and then we would give in to our need to be intimate with one another. I would go to confession and some priests were understanding and others were not so understanding. At any rate, I felt like a hypocrite since promising to live a celibate life WITHIN marriage for an unspecified period of time is unrealistic.
So, for the second year of this process my husband and I would go to church, join in church activities, volunteer, etc - we have a young child together and felt we must set an example - however, we would not receive communion. Then, in the 3rd year of this process, our child received first communion and began to ask why mommy and daddy could not go to communion as well. That was heartbreaking to try to explain.
Now we have lost heart. I feel so much the outsider when I go to mass. One weekend our child asked us to go to church and then would not go to communion since we weren’t going. It is horribly painful. I do not understand why my child should have to suffer as well.
Many of my husband’s witnesses, unfortunately, are dead. As well, being a very private person he did not share much of the heartache and difficulties of his marriage with anyone. Still, according to our parish priest who is a very educated man, my husband’s first marriage easily meets the criteria for annulment.
I pray and pray and pray and feel so abandoned by the Catholic church. I have witnessed many miracles during my lifetime and wonder why this is taking so long. I have a friend from childhood who is Catholic but was never very religious and did not follow the Church’s teachings as an adult. She married in her thirties in the Catholic church and the marriage only lasted a few months. She filled out one and only one questionnaire - did not have to produce any witnesses - and got her annulment almost immediately through the influence of a priest. I have also heard stories of people who have made donations to the tribunal and suddenly their annulment came through. Although we have always been told that money is not an issue when we ask. We made one small donation of several hundred dollars and that was it.
Now I am wondering whether or not we should make another donation. Should we contact the staff psychologist who has been reviewing the case for almost 6 months? Should we speak to our parish priest? Obviously we must continue to pray which we do. I recently learned that even if an annulment goes through the vindictive ex - who herself is remarried - can appeal. What then?
I do not want to discourage you from becoming Catholic. I truly believe in the truth of the sacraments. However, I also believe that where man is involved there will be corruption and sin. I have always said that one should not throw out the baby with the bath water. Like many Catholics there are things about our church I do not like.
However, unlike many divorced Catholics I know who remarry and receive communion anyway, I try to follow the rules. I want so much to be part of the Church but feel like a victim - because I too made a “bad” choice. I love my husband and our life very much but suffer every day because I cannot receive the sacraments until this is resolved.
Good luck and God Bless you. Whatever you decide God loves you.
Cathmomus
