I cheated on my husband

[thewanderer]

Que sera sera… but first of all… I think you are taking liberty with what the OP actually said… and 2… 'it’s easy to be hard"… and C. “give peace a chance”… and IV. what is the truth… that she loves her husband and children the best she can, now, or not… only she can know the truth to that and only she can try to know what is best for her marriage and family…

**I’m surprised that there are so many of us here that expect perfection… ** we are a long way from heaven… that is given… there is significant and legitimate risk involved either way… “discretion is the better part of valor”…

There is a difference between expecting perfection and wanting ones spouse to tell one important things that affect the relationship, such as any affairs that occur. Not everyone who wants to know would leave and refuse forgiveness, but they still want to know because they would rather live with the truth, even if it is difficult, than live in a fantasy world. They would rather know the faults and failings of their spouse so that they can accept them as they are rather then living with a fake image of a spouse that does not correspond to reality. This is not about judging those who fall, but asking for the truthful self-giving relationship (ie without secrets) they and their spouse agreed to on their marriage day.

 

[Rdunbar123]

Que sera sera… but first of all… I think you are taking liberty with what the OP actually said… and 2… 'it’s easy to be hard"… and C. “give peace a chance”… and IV. what is the truth… that she loves her husband and children the best she can, now, or not… only she can know the truth to that and only she can try to know what is best for her marriage and family…

I’m surprised that there are so many of us here that expect perfection… we are a long way from heaven… that is given… there is significant and legitimate risk involved either way… “discretion is the better part of valor”…

Reread OP, what liberties? Two year affair? 1000 miles away? Physical several times? You are reading too much into my post.my ONLY point is the world is so small it’s hard to be sure things will stay a secret. I have been married 41 yrs, I have been faithful and AFAIK so has my beloved wife. I think I could have forgiven an affair if confessed soon after but say my wife told me today she had an affair 20 yrs ago, for two years and it was physical several times, it would mean the last twenty years would have been a lie. The OP is not even giving her husband a chance two forgive. Her choice but it is naive too think it can’t be found out.

 

[hurting]

Reread OP, what liberties? Two year affair? 1000 miles away? Physical several times? You are reading too much into my post.my ONLY point is the world is so small it’s hard to be sure things will stay a secret. I have been married 41 yrs, I have been faithful and AFAIK so has my beloved wife. I think I could have forgiven an affair if confessed soon after but say my wife told me today she had an affair 20 yrs ago, for two years and it was physical several times, it would mean the last twenty years would have been a lie. The OP is not even giving her husband a chance two forgive. Her choice but it is naive too think it can’t be found out.

While no one can know for sure that an affair won’t be discovered, it is probably foolhardy in today’s age to believe most wouldn’t be, given the fairly low-tech ways the various communications can be traced. Although truthfulness would be in order regardless of the circumstances, even the possibiity of discovery should tip one in the direction of disclosure.

 

[MarkInOregon]

The HUSBAND benefits, because he gets to decide if be wants to spend the rest of his life with a liar and a cheat. She owes him that respect at least.

I am glad that Christ does not treat us like this. I am glad that he forgives me when I repent of my short comings. When I married I said: “…for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health until death do us part.” I guess I missed my out clause.

Peace of Christ,
Mark

 

[MarkInOregon]

Kostya, I see where you are coming from but there is one piece of the puzzle which you are missing.

The marital embrace is a vow, a promise. When two persons have sex, they are saying to each other, “I give you myself, unreservedly, in love.”

This is one reason why fornication is wrong, because the two persons are making the promise and LYING to each other. They aren’t REALLY giving themselves, but succumbing to their carnal desire.

If a spouse has been unfaithful, they are lying when they have sex with their spouse, because they are saying they are giving themselves wholeheartedly when they have actually given themselves to someone else.

If they have been to confession and have been forgiven i.e.they are truly repentant – are they not at that point giving themselves fully and wholeheartedly --going forward? Are you saying that one short coming – can never be overcome? That the spouse who ceated can never ever give themselves wholeheartedly again? Can things not be restored?

Peace of Christ,
Mark

 

[kelvinf]

I was reading the book of Jesus Sirach today morning and I came across this verse:

Sirach 1:30

Do not exalt yourself lest you fall, and thus bring dishonor upon yourself. The Lord will reveal your secrets and cast you down in the midst of the congregation, because you did not come in the fear of the Lord, and your heart was full of deceit.

(Emphases mine)

I see the omission to tell the other spouse about this incident as deceit.

 

[Rdunbar123]

If they have been to confession and have been forgiven i.e.they are truly repentant – are they not at that point giving themselves fully and wholeheartedly --going forward? Are you saying that one short coming – can never be overcome? That the spouse who ceated can never ever give themselves wholeheartedly again? Can things not be restored?

Peace of Christ,
Mark

They are absolutely forgiven, but if I murder someone, and confess sincerely, I still face the consequences of my actions.

I heard and I forget the source but here it is
“**you love many people in your life, your relatives, co-workers, children, ect. you probably spend more time at work or with other people during the day than you do with your spouse. but there is one thing that is UNIQUE and solely shared with your spouse and that is sex within the marriage.” **Once you give your body to another when married or even before it is no longer UNIQUE. you have joined your body and part of your life to someone else. Virginity is a one time thing. This is why a lot of marriages cannot survive an affair. Like I said in my previous post, I would like to think I would forgive an affair, but it would affect my future relations with my wife. there would always be the ghost of a third party in the bedroom. For me at least.

 

[MarkInOregon]

They are absolutely forgiven, but if I murder someone, and confess sincerely, I still face the consequences of my actions.

I heard and I forget the source but here it is
“**you love many people in your life, your relatives, co-workers, children, ect. you probably spend more time at work or with other people during the day than you do with your spouse. but there is one thing that is UNIQUE and solely shared with your spouse and that is sex within the marriage.” **Once you give your body to another when married or even before it is no longer UNIQUE. you have joined your body and part of your life to someone else. Virginity is a one time thing. This is why a lot of marriages cannot survive an affair. Like I said in my previous post, I would like to think I would forgive an affair, but it would affect my future relations with my wife. there would always be the ghost of a third party in the bedroom. For me at least.

My question was not about paying the price for sin. My question was regarding the idea that someone who has cheated cannot fully give themselves to their spouse even after they have repented and received absolution. That’s what I wanted some (name removed by moderator)ut on. I question the idea that someone who has repented of their sin can no longer give fully of themselves --and that seems to be the position some have taken. I’d like to explore that idea as I am not convinced of it. With your virginity is a one time thing example above – so after I have given that to my wife on our wedding night – am I giving less of myself to her in the future–after all I can only give her my virginity once–I would answer no–if I approach the act in the correct frame of mind–I am giving myself 100% to my wife–I am giving all I have to give–and that is all I can do.

Peace of Christ,
Mark

 

[thewanderer]

My question was not about paying the price for sin. My question was regarding the idea that someone who has cheated cannot fully give themselves to their spouse even after they have repented and received absolution. That’s what I wanted some (name removed by moderator)ut on. I question the idea that someone who has repented of their sin can no longer give fully of themselves --and that seems to be the position some have taken. I’d like to explore that idea as I am not convinced of it. With your virginity is a one time thing example above – so after I have given that to my wife on our wedding night – am I giving less of myself to her in the future–after all I can only give her my virginity once–I would answer no–if I approach the act in the correct frame of mind–I am giving myself 100% to my wife–I am giving all I have to give–and that is all I can do.

Peace of Christ,
Mark

While I agree with you that one can still give themselves fully even if they have cheated, I must admit I question if this is possible if they are holding back such important information about themselves as the fact that they had an affair. By withholding that information they are withholding a part of who they are, a part of the experiences that make them to be the person they are, which makes it difficult for them both to truly give themselves as well as to truly be received and accepted. I think in order for a couple to be able to truly and fully give themselves to each other after an affair the affair needs to come out into the open, be dealt with, forgiven, and worked through by the couple themselves. Otherwise there is the facade of a complete giving of self, but there is not truly a complete giving of self.

 

[Rdunbar123]

My question was not about paying the price for sin. My question was regarding the idea that someone who has cheated cannot fully give themselves to their spouse even after they have repented and received absolution. That’s what I wanted some (name removed by moderator)ut on. I question the idea that someone who has repented of their sin can no longer give fully of themselves --and that seems to be the position some have taken. I’d like to explore that idea as I am not convinced of it. With your virginity is a one time thing example above – so after I have given that to my wife on our wedding night – am I giving less of myself to her in the future–after all I can only give her my virginity once–I would answer no–if I approach the act in the correct frame of mind–I am giving myself 100% to my wife–I am giving all I have to give–and that is all I can do.

Peace of Christ,
Mark

Just my reasoning. My response was based on the premise that your relationship with your spouse is unique and is something that should not be shared. of course you can give yourself fully to your spouse after your wedding night. I just think by having an affair you have joined yourself to another person, it has to leave a mark. 1 Cor 6:16 says "Or do you not know that the one who joins himself to a prostitute is one body with her? For He says, "THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH."some translations read loose woman. what it boils down to is this is my reasoning and belief. believe what you want

 

[hsmomforlife]

I agree with this. I would rather my husband was honest with me, so that I could make the decision of whether or not I wanted to spend my life with someone who was capable of doing this to me and our family. If you don’t tell him, he won’t ever have the choice, and you might find it easier to deceive him in the future.

I don’t know your personal relationship so I can’t speak for you specifically though.

Yup…
I can say that if I found out that my dh had had an affair 20 years ago, and decided not to tell me but to tell a priest or a bunch or people on an internet message board and decide that was all that was needed…well, he’d be eating bologna by himself for the rest of his earthly days. I would not trust him for one single second and would think if the SOB could lie to me for the past 20 years…I would be "D O N E ! " with his sorry self and there would be absolutely no chance of reconciliation… the only phone number he would need ever would be for his lawyer.

However, if my DH confessed to me now, within a reasonable period of time of the ending of the ‘online relationship’, there might be a chance of forgiveness and reconstruction of our trust and relationship.

Bottom line…IMO… talk to a priest…soon…a ‘good’ priest…hopefully he will help you see why being honest and working through the problem now, can only help your relationship and why burying the indiscretion can’t possibly help.

 

[migueltojose]

Yup…
I can say that if I found out that my dh had had an affair 20 years ago, and decided not to tell me but to tell a priest or a bunch or people on an internet message board and decide that was all that was needed…well, he’d be eating bologna by himself for the rest of his earthly days. I would not trust him for one single second and would think if the SOB could lie to me for the past 20 years…I would be "D O N E ! " with his sorry self and there would be absolutely no chance of reconciliation… the only phone number he would need ever would be for his lawyer.

However, if my DH confessed to me now, within a reasonable period of time of the ending of the ‘online relationship’, there might be a chance of forgiveness and reconstruction of our trust and relationship.

Bottom line…IMO… talk to a priest…soon…a ‘good’ priest…hopefully he will help you see why being honest and working through the problem now, can only help your relationship and why burying the indiscretion can’t possibly help.

So… if I was your husband… the truth would not be told… do you see the dilemma… or catch 22 or whatever you want to call it. Conflict avoidance is natural and powerful. Fight or flight. Fear. Fear of pain. Fear of rejection. Fear of CONSEQUENCES…

People lie. People will lie. We should try not to. We know that. But we will. “Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when at first we choose to deceive…”

It is up to the OP to decide the best course of action given her situation. As a general rule… “we can’t handle the truth”. If you and your spouse can then congratulations and good for you, you are maybe one in ten couples who can…

It’s true that two wrongs don’t make a right… but it’s also true that a thousand rights and one wrong and another thousand rights and one wrong and another thousand rights… gets complicated…

We have to deal with the complications of sin. We are all sinners and we don’t always seek restitution with everyone we sin against, and rightfully so… Being “black and white” or “righteous” or even “sanctimonious” is not ALWAYS right. Sometimes… yes… always… no… often… no…

 

[hsmomforlife]

So… if I was your husband… the truth would not be told… do you see the dilemma… or catch 22 or whatever you want to call it. Conflict avoidance is natural and powerful. Fight or flight. Fear. Fear of pain. Fear of rejection. Fear of CONSEQUENCES…

Maybe I wasn’t clear. Of course, there will always be consequences…especially for a marital indiscretion! FOR ME, those consequences are going to be bad now, but irreversible in the future. My husband knows me well enough to know that about me.

It is up to the OP to decide the best course of action given her situation. As a general rule… “we can’t handle the truth”. If you and your spouse can then congratulations and good for you, you are maybe one in ten couples who can…

Of course it’s up to the OP to decide what to do, but since they came looking for advice, I gave some.
I’m not going to get involved in a discussion about details in my marriage and how the truth works in my life. :dts:

It’s true that two wrongs don’t make a right… but it’s also true that a thousand rights and one wrong and another thousand rights and one wrong and another thousand rights… gets complicated…

We have to deal with the complications of sin. We are all sinners and we don’t always seek restitution with everyone we sin against, and rightfully so… Being “black and white” or “righteous” or even “sanctimonious” is not ALWAYS right. Sometimes… yes… always… no… often… no…

True…although not telling one’s spouse about an indiscretion is not dealing with the complications of the sin. It’s avoiding it.

The issue is that in true love, you want what’s best for the other person. Hiding something hurtful because you don’t want to experience the consequences of your actions is immature and (in this case) not necessarily best for the other person. The issue is that once someone cheats, they have stopped thinking of the other person/their spouse and are (or at least at during the indiscretion) only thinking of themselves. Again, it’s a sign of immaturity.

I guess my point was that (with me) *honesty NOW would give a chance to forgive and heal. * If someone, anyone, did something incredibly hurtful (like cheating) and then lied to me for another 20 years, they wouldn’t have a snowball’s chance in you-know-where of me even having a conversation with them about it. The deceit would have run too deep (for me) at that point to consider anything other than ‘I will not be treated that way, get out of my life!’ Don’t let the door hit you on the way out…
Every day that you spend with a lie hidden in your pocket, makes it more difficult to confess. Burying an indiscretion usually leaves it to fester, which is why I suggested that the OP speak to a priest soon and get some real, honest to goodness counsel from someone who can actually help them.

But this is not about me (thankfully ) and, I don’t want to go off down some other debate of right or wrong, tell or don’t tell. I shared my experience/thoughts and gave the OP the advice to talk to a priest, soon, and they can take it or leave it.

 

[MarkInOregon]

Just my reasoning. My response was based on the premise that your relationship with your spouse is unique and is something that should not be shared. of course you can give yourself fully to your spouse after your wedding night. I just think by having an affair you have joined yourself to another person, it has to leave a mark. 1 Cor 6:16 says "Or do you not know that the one who joins himself to a prostitute is one body with her? For He says, "THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH."some translations read loose woman. what it boils down to is this is my reasoning and belief.

believe what you want

I am troubled by what you throw in here and fail to understand why it was necessary. I asked for some (name removed by moderator)ut regarding an idea. I am not promoting a belief nor was I saying your beliefs are wrong. Is it not possible to discuss an idea? The Wanderer in the post directly above yours offered their opinion–and makes a good point regarding the possible effects of keeping it secret.

Peace of Christ,
Mark