I offered my perspective, as did everyone here because that’s what the OP asked for. I didn’t say my advice was universal. She didn’t pose a hypothetical scenario – I took into account the specifics of her situation.
I’m sorry if I came across too harshly, I guess its just that at this point I think it is wrong to advise someone one way or the other, instead they should tell them to do whatever their spouse would want them to do.
Yes. I’d also want to speak with my priest ASAP (or the counterpart for the OP, though I’m grateful that it’s a priest I’d be speaking with, specifically), as others have noted.
So… what is the truth…
I realize that the consequences come from the cheating, but the devastation would exist no matter what. It is cold comfort to tell a child whose family has been destroyed, “But at least we know THE TRUTH!” So what, now you have a child or children whose whole world has been blown apart, because of the desire for the truth. It’s the result that I am looking at. I actually think it could be a type of penance for the person who cheated, NOT to tell and NOT to destroy the family. But we will probably never come to an agreement on this. The people who advocate 100% honesty - have you REALLY told your spouse everything you have done in your entire lives? Every passing thought, feeling, or sin you contemplate? Every single sinful action you have ever done or thought about doing? Could any of us actually do that? Would any relationship survive that kind of merciless honesty?
“And that’s the truth…”
It seems as though you are already predisposed toward not telling him.
I already have, and I have read your attempts to justify not telling. “But what will happen if I tell?” is no excuse to withhold the truth–especially if that didn’t stop the OP from cheating in the first place. The ends do not justify the means.
If you noticed, my advice is that the OP do whatever her spouse would want her to do. Even if it would be difficult for him to know, if he would want to know then she owes it to him to tell him. If, however, he would rather not know the truth then she ought not to tell him.
Again, I am not advocating 100% honesty. I am saying that no matter how difficult it is, the person who cheated has a duty to do what their spouse would prefer them to do. And so, If their spouse would prefer to know the truth then they owe it to their spouse to tell them the truth, regardless of the consequences. The thing is that because they have that moral obligation, it is wrong to avoid it, even if they are doing so for good intentions, the ends do not justify the means. I agree that it can be a type of penance for the person to not tell, but this is only the right course of action if their spouse would not want to know the truth. The point I was bringing up is that people really should not advocate for one side or the other, but should explain that the person in question should do whatever their spouse would want them to do. So many people on this thread have tried to tell the OP to do one or the other with no regard for what the OP’s spouse would actually prefer.
None of us are perfect. But for the sake of discussion let’s say this couple was practictically perfect, then, honesty would be the best option, because, they could handle the truth. But, if their marriage is like about maybe 80% of marriages (even Catholic marriages), much less than practically perfect, then it is up to the OP to know, understand, recognize and accept the consequences of her decision. The fact is, because of our human weakness, most of us really can’t handle the truth. Fact, not fault. We should all be working towards being practically perfect. But in the meanwhile we have lives to live.
It is impossible to have a healthy marriage based on lies and deception. If one spouse says there are certain things they don’t want to know that is one thing, but otherwise honesty and a sharing of all things is in order. Of course we’re not all perfect and all need to strive towards perfection, but being flawed is not grounds for hiding information from your spouse that they have the right to know. And they absolutely do have the right to know if their marriage vows were broken in such a horrendous way as cheating. The answer is not based on how flawed we are, but whether or not the innocent spouse wishes to know this information which they have a right to know.
The bolded statement is really the crux of the matter and transcends all other considerations. I’d even go as far as to say that there’s a case to be made for telling the innocent spouse even if he/she didn’t want to know based on this precept. I find it hard to believe that the dishonesty deriving from the infidelity would not permeate every other aspect of the relationship.
I believe that BOTH spouses have an even higher duty toward their children. It’s not only about the spouse, it’s about the effect on the family. I do not disagree that the act of disclosure is not the origination of the problem. It’s the infidelity that has caused the problem, that is certain. But on the condition that the person who had the affair recognizes his/her culpability, has repented, confessed, been absolved and will never do it again, AND that the likelihood that if he/she told the spouse, the family would be destroyed, I would advise the same - caution about disclosure. I would advise counseling with a priest, a lot of prayer, perhaps personal counseling, but caution when it comes to confession outside the confessional.
Que sera sera… but first of all… I think you are taking liberty with what the OP actually said… and 2… 'it’s easy to be hard"… and C. “give peace a chance”… and IV. what is the truth… that she loves her husband and children the best she can, now, or not… only she can know the truth to that and only she can try to know what is best for her marriage and family…