I cheated on my husband

[armyross]

When people come on the forums asking for advice or support what was done to us is neither here nor there. It is not my intention to sound sanctimonious but in my view, one of the worst things we can do is offload our own hurt onto someone else because their error is of a similar nature to the one we were hurt by.

I know none of us are experts and we have ‘baggage’ that understandably colors our judgement, but can you imagine sitting down with a marriage guidance councilor and they say something like, ‘I have no sympathy for you because my partner cheated on me and I was so hurt?’ You would never go near that therapist again./

Your way off that’s not what I was saying. I was answering Joe thanks anyway.

 

[LoveJesus13]

I say you should tell him. If he is forgiving and you are remorseful and promise to never do it again then there’s a chance you two can work it out. And you should seek help to to figure out what’s caused you to be unfaithful in hopes that you put an end to this problem. Besides, isn’t honesty key in every relationship and/or marriage? And if you were in his shoes, wouldn’t you want him to tell you also that he had an affair especially since we all know women are right when it comes to their instincts. So follow the golden rule: Do unto others…

Be honest to him and to yourself so it doesn’t eat up inside of you.

God bless.

 

[minkymurph]

minkymurph;10738933:

When people come on the forums asking for advice or support what was done to us is neither here nor there. It is not my intention to sound sanctimonious but in my view, one of the worst things we can do is offload our own hurt onto someone else because their error is of a similar nature to the one we were hurt by.

I know none of us are experts and we have ‘baggage’ that understandably colors our judgement, but can you imagine sitting down with a marriage guidance councilor and they say something like, ‘I have no sympathy for you because my partner cheated on me and I was so hurt?’ You would never go near that therapist again./

Your way off that’s not what I was saying. I was answering Joe thanks anyway.

It was not my intention to suggest it was what you were saying. My meaning related to how what we say or write may be interpreted by the person seeking help irrespective of our intentions.

My apologies. I didn’t realize no one other than Joe was invited to respond to your post.

 

[LaSainte]

When we confess to a priest, it makes it harder to commit that sin again. We feel like we have a clean slate and it re-focuses our energy and thoughts on what is important. It is humbling and freeing. The same goes for sharing difficult things with your spouse, no matter what they are. You don’t just sweep something under the rug and hope it never happens again. That is ridiculous.

Telling him will hurt him. Yes. But it will also free you up to have a completely honest relationship and marriage from now on for the REST of your life! It will allow you to work through your issues together. It will break down a wall of deception that exists between you and will continue to exist between you until one of you dies. Every day that you don’t tell him you are LYING, and I cannot of believe that any Catholic would advocate this. It’s disgusting and sick.

If my husband cheated and told me, I might leave him. BUT, I also might be able to forgive him because just the act of confessing it indicates a level of honesty and remorse and a willingness to have an actual relationship. If he never told me and I found out later, I would leave him for sure because I would never, EVER be able to trust that lying piece of **** again. I would also be insulted that he thought I was such a frigging idiot that I would never find out.

 

[KostyaJMJ]

Telling him will hurt him. Yes. But it will also free you up to have a completely honest relationship and marriage from now on for the REST of your life! It will allow you to work through your issues together. It will break down a wall of deception that exists between you and will continue to exist between you until one of you dies. Every day that you don’t tell him you are LYING, and I cannot of believe that any Catholic would advocate this. It’s disgusting and sick.

Silence is not a lie. Telling a spouse removes the guilt from the cheating spouse and then transfers it to the innocent spouse. Then the cheating spouse feels like a weight has been lifted from their chest for being honest and all of the pressure is on the innocent spouse to forgive. Telling is usually a very selfish thing to do, IMHO.

I can’t think of one good thing that would come from finding out about an affair. As a Catholic you are either faced with spending the rest of your life with a cheater or spending the rest of your life alone. It’s a no win scenario and I would just as soon not know about it. The best outcome would be for my wife could keep me in the dark and make it up to me in other ways.

 

[shainski]

Silence is not a lie. Telling a spouse removes the guilt from the cheating spouse and then transfers it to the innocent spouse. Then the cheating spouse feels like a weight has been lifted from their chest for being honest and all of the pressure is on the innocent spouse to forgive. Telling is usually a very selfish thing to do, IMHO.

While I may agree with you that there may be circumstances where it is better to remain silent. But Silence is still a lie.

Maybe that lie of omission is better than the alternative. And that may be part of the suffering the perpetrator is doomed to carry with him/her. But it cannot be justified as not being a lie, IMHO.

And this is where all that advice of speaking to a priest is good. Outside of absolving the sin, the priest is a good counselor. It certainly seems that circumstances sometimes dictate telling, and others remaining quiet. A qualified third party would help one explore what each path might entail in his/her own situation.

 

[LaSainte]

Silence is not a lie. Telling a spouse removes the guilt from the cheating spouse and then transfers it to the innocent spouse. Then the cheating spouse feels like a weight has been lifted from their chest for being honest and all of the pressure is on the innocent spouse to forgive. Telling is usually a very selfish thing to do, IMHO.

I can’t think of one good thing that would come from finding out about an affair. As a Catholic you are either faced with spending the rest of your life with a cheater or spending the rest of your life alone. It’s a no win scenario and I would just as soon not know about it. The best outcome would be for my wife could keep me in the dark and make it up to me in other ways.

Yes it is a lie. Absolutely it is. When you take your wedding vows, you promise to be faithful forever. If you break that vow and say nothing, your spouse is operating under the false assumption that you have kept your wedding vows. is a spouse supposed to come home every day and ask if their wife or husband cheated on them that day in order to be able to live with confidence in the faithfulness of their spouse? No! When you break that lifelong vow, you are morally obligated to tell your spouse.

And I would rather live alone forever than with a lying cheater.

 

[KostyaJMJ]

While I may agree with you that there may be circumstances where it is better to remain silent. But Silence is still a lie.

Maybe that lie of omission is better than the alternative. And that may be part of the suffering the perpetrator is doomed to carry with him/her. But it cannot be justified as not being a lie, IMHO.

And this is where all that advice of speaking to a priest is good. Outside of absolving the sin, the priest is a good counselor. It certainly seems that circumstances sometimes dictate telling, and others remaining quiet. A qualified third party would help one explore what each path might entail in his/her own situation.

According to catholic encyclopedia, lying involves making a statement at variance with your mind, and then inviting someone to believe that it is true. What you are talking about is being completely open. We have an obligation to have all of our statements be truthful but there is certainly nothing wrong with withholding a statement.

 

[LaSainte]

According to catholic encyclopedia, lying involves making a statement at variance with your mind, and then inviting someone to believe that it is true. What you are talking about is being completely open. We have an obligation to have all of our statements be truthful but there is certainly nothing wrong with withholding a statement.

Wow. Just, WOW.

 

[shainski]

According to catholic encyclopedia, lying involves making a statement at variance with your mind, and then inviting someone to believe that it is true. What you are talking about is being completely open. We have an obligation to have all of our statements be truthful but there is certainly nothing wrong with withholding a statement.

If my wife and I decide to go on a diet, and I sneak a twinkie. She thinks I am being good, and I don’t come forward and admit it, you might be able to argue that I am not lying to her by my silence.

But when I violate the very oath of our union - and I know that she assumes my faithfulness, then my silence is a very loud “statement at variance with my mind”.

 

[KostyaJMJ]

Wow. Just, WOW.

Well, I would like to see you try and define lying.

 

[dshix]

According to catholic encyclopedia, lying involves making a statement at variance with your mind, and then inviting someone to believe that it is true. What you are talking about is being completely open. We have an obligation to have all of our statements be truthful but there is certainly nothing wrong with withholding a statement.

Kostya, I see where you are coming from but there is one piece of the puzzle which you are missing.

The marital embrace is a vow, a promise. When two persons have sex, they are saying to each other, “I give you myself, unreservedly, in love.”

This is one reason why fornication is wrong, because the two persons are making the promise and LYING to each other. They aren’t REALLY giving themselves, but succumbing to their carnal desire.

If a spouse has been unfaithful, they are lying when they have sex with their spouse, because they are saying they are giving themselves wholeheartedly when they have actually given themselves to someone else.

 

[LaSainte]

Yes it is a lie. Absolutely it is. When you take your wedding vows, you promise to be faithful forever. If you break that vow and say nothing, your spouse is operating under the false assumption that you have kept your wedding vows. is a spouse supposed to come home every day and ask if their wife or husband cheated on them that day in order to be able to live with confidence in the faithfulness of their spouse? No! When you break that lifelong vow, you are morally obligated to tell your spouse.

And I would rather live alone forever than with a lying cheater.

Well, I would like to see you try and define lying.

Sorry, I don’t live for the letter of the law, I live for the spirit of the law. And the spirit of the law most certainly requires the cheating spouse to come forward and confess.

But since you insist, see definition #2:
noun

1. a false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive; an intentional untruth; a falsehood.
2. something intended or serving to convey a false impression; imposture.
3. an inaccurate or false statement; a falsehood.

Also, the Carholic Church sees the marital act as a renewal of the wedding vows, faithfulness being one. When you are having an affair and sleep with your spous, you are LYING.

Furthermore, by not telling the truth, you are DECEIVING your spouse into thinking that they have a faithful partner when in fact they do not.

 

[KostyaJMJ]

Also, the Carholic Church sees the marital act as a renewal of the wedding vows, faithfulness being one. When you are having an affair and sleep with your spous, you are LYING.

Furthermore, by not telling the truth, you are DECEIVING your spouse into thinking that they have a faithful partner when in fact they do not.

So the cheater has to deny sex in order not to lie. So now not only does the innocent party get more knowledge than they want they also get cut off from sex. You seem intent on punishing the innocent spouse. It’s fine if you want your husband to be candid with you, but don’t try to force your desires on everyone else.

Also, you do realize that by revealing your hand you are really stacking the odds against your spouse telling you. If you want your spouse to be candid, you have to create an environment where they can tell you the truth.

 

[dshix]

So the cheater has to deny sex in order not to lie. So now not only does the innocent party get more knowledge than they want they also get cut off from sex. You seem intent on punishing the innocent spouse. It’s fine if you want your husband to be candid with you, but don’t try to force your desires on everyone else.

Also, you do realize that by revealing your hand you are really stacking the odds against your spouse telling you. If you want your spouse to be candid, you have to create an environment where they can tell you the truth.

Stop being fruitlessly sarcastic. It isn’t helping anything.

The answer is for the spouse who cheated to own up to their mistake.

 

[LaSainte]

So the cheater has to deny sex in order not to lie. So now not only does the innocent party get more knowledge than they want they also get cut off from sex. You seem intent on punishing the innocent spouse. It’s fine if you want your husband to be candid with you, but don’t try to force your desires on everyone else.

Also, you do realize that by revealing your hand you are really stacking the odds against your spouse telling you. If you want your spouse to be candid, you have to create an environment where they can tell you the truth.

First of all, I would never marry someone who would cheat on me. I know everybody says that, but it’s true. My husband and I were together 12 years before we got married, so we never would have gotten married in the first place if cheating was even an option. Secondly, my spouse would at least have the courtesy to leave me first if he was going to cheat. I wouldn’t have married him otherwise. Cheating and then lying about it makes a man a cheater, a liar and a ****ing coward. I can see those traits a mile away in almost anyone. I would never call in love with someone who had any of them. People are easy to read, especially the a**holes.

 

[KostyaJMJ]

Stop being fruitlessly sarcastic. It isn’t helping anything.

The answer is for the spouse who cheated to own up to their mistake.

What if the offended spouse doesn’t want that? By making it a lie to say nothing you are taking away that option.

 

[dshix]

What if the offended spouse doesn’t want that? By making it a lie to say nothing you are taking away that option.

Whether or not the offended spouse wishes to know or not is not for the offender to decide.

 

[LaSainte]

What if the offended spouse doesn’t want that? By making it a lie to say nothing you are taking away that option.

I think it’s extremely cowardly not to want to know. People like that would rather live in a fantasy than a reality…kinda like the Matrix.

 

[KostyaJMJ]

Whether or not the offended spouse wishes to know or not is not for the offender to decide.

I think you have a good point. Asking a priest about whether to tell might be in order.