I cheated on my husband

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LaSainte said:
I absolutely did not mean to imply that at all. I simply meant that one person cannot work to repair the marriage bond on their own. It takes two people, fully committed to rooting out and fixing any problems in a marriage, to fix one that is broken to this extent. One person attending clandestine therapy sessions while lying to their spouse about where they are and where all that money is going is only going to make things worse when the spouse eventually gets suspicious and figures out what’s going on.

Covering up an affair requires years of continuous lying-destroying emails and phone records, destroying credit card receipts, lying about where you were on such-and-such a day when you were sleeping with another person/getting tested for STDs/seeing your priest/in therapy, lying about why you can’t sleep with your spouse for 6 months while waiting for your AIDS test to come back, lying about the money you are spending on therapy to figure out why you cheated in the first place, etc.

Each of these lies drives a wedge between you and your spouse, and will of course eventually make your spouse suspicious enough to check up on you, at which point they will find out about the whole nest of lies you have been telling to “spare their feelings”-more like to trap them in a relationship you didn’t give a **** about while you were sleeping with somebody else.

I cannot believe people are advocating this.
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Have to agree with you there. Good point about the 6 months for AIDS testing. Did not know that.
 
silentfactor80 said:
That is the result of feminism. Feminists chant ad nauseum how women have a right to a sexually fulfilling life apart from the “oppression the conservative white religious male places on her.” You know b/c guys have nothing better to do that sit around thinking of ways to suppress female sexuality…paranoia anyone?
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Seriously. People need to get over themselves.
 
How easy it is to get so full of all the messages the world sends us we cant take in any more!
 
I can only say that, personally, I would absolutely want my wife to tell me.

It’s not the telling him that will hurt him. It’s the fact that you did it. I just don’t know how you can have a healthy marriage keeping something like that secret.
 
28562 said:
I would want to know if my wife ever did something like that to me. I sure would hate to find out 30 years from now that she has been lying to me forever.
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I found out about my wife’s affair 30 years later after 10 years of suspicion and have finally accepted it. She still denies it, but it is clear to me. Now after two children grown and who have left the house I’m still in pain. Her guilt among other things I knew finally left no room for doubt. I’d say if you can hide it without it ever being known; hard to do, would be best if you can be sure, but in my case I fight with the unresolved knowledge of this and no reconciliation. She has been a good wife mostly since then although not perfect, but I have no trust in her and struggle to forgive her.
 
All I know is that the truth eventually comes out, one way or another. It always does.
 
KFG said:
I found out about my wife’s affair 30 years later after 10 years of suspicion and have finally accepted it. She still denies it, but it is clear to me. Now after two children grown and who have left the house I’m still in pain. Her guilt among other things I knew finally left no room for doubt. I’d say if you can hide it without it ever being known; hard to do, would be best if you can be sure, but in my case I fight with the unresolved knowledge of this and no reconciliation. She has been a good wife mostly since then although not perfect, but I have no trust in her and struggle to forgive her.
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If she didn’t deny it, do you think you would be able to forgive her? You stuck by her all this time, I don’t know why she wouldn’t admit. If I am asked, I will not lie.
 
onellama said:
I put that I’m Catholic because we go to a Catholic church. My husband is Catholic but I’m not. I’m not sure about a Protestant going to confession.

There are no diseases and I’m not pregnant. Stalking isn’t an issue because the other person lives 1,000 miles away. It was more of an emotional affair that lasted about two years. I did see him in person a few times so it was physical as well.
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I dont feel bad for you. You did this to yourself!!! Why come on here and ask a dumb question on what to do. You know what to do tell your Husband. Maybe next time dont think of yourself but your family.
 
armyross said:
I dont feel bad for you. You did this to yourself!!! Why come on here and ask a dumb question on what to do. You know what to do tell your Husband. Maybe next time dont think of yourself but your family.
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Man, that was frigging rude…:eek::eek::eek:
 
joe370 said:
Man, that was frigging rude…:eek::eek::eek:
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Sorry Joe it happend to me in my life awhile ago. Still trying to work through it. I just have a hard time when people do this to each other and then want everyone to help them on what to do. I know what to do dont do it. And when the lies start even when you know the truth.
 
armyross said:
Sorry Joe it happend to me in my life awhile ago. Still trying to work through it. I just have a hard time when people do this to each other and then want everyone to help them on what to do. I know what to do dont do it. And when the lies start even when you know the truth.
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Oh, I am sorry that happened…😦
 
armyross said:
Yeah me to now I am in deployed and a way from home so its hard for me not to say somthing when I see a post like that.
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It happened to me a long time ago, and to top it off she passed away of cancer a year later. I did not forgive her and now I have to live with it and it is not easy. I pray you two work it out. We only get one go-around to get it right…If only I had another chance I would have forgiven her instantly…🤷 It didn’t help matters that I was an agnostic at the time…
 
joe370 said:
It happened to me a long time ago, and to top it off she passed away of cancer a year later. I did not forgive her and now I have to live with it and it is not easy. I pray you two work it out. We only get one go-around to get it right…If only I had another chance I would have forgiven her instantly…🤷 It didn’t help matters that I was an agnostic at the time…
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I love her more then anything now days things are great I ask her once and that was all I knew the truth I have friends that can find out anyting so with that said I knew. What bothers me till this day is she wont tell me. And I dont ever bring it up anymore because its been over a year that I brought it up. But ever now and then I think about it and I get pissed off again. I know I just need to let it go.
 
armyross said:
I love her more then anything now days things are great I ask her once and that was all I knew the truth I have friends that can find out anyting so with that said I knew. What bothers me till this day is she wont tell me. And I dont ever bring it up anymore because its been over a year that I brought it up. But ever now and then I think about it and I get pissed off again. I know I just need to let it go.
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You know for sure, and she won’t admit it? Ouch! That would be tough for me too…Kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place there…Phew…
 
onellama said:
If she didn’t deny it, do you think you would be able to forgive her? You stuck by her all this time, I don’t know why she wouldn’t admit. If I am asked, I will not lie.
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I still love her; that doesn’t change. Its a conflict of emotions. Would I have stayed with her then I don’t know? She made a terrible mistake and I wonder how it effected our marriage in unknown ways to me for the last 30 years. If you love him, he loves you and are reconciled with God and are very sure it will never come up and have no intentions to never repeat the sin then don’t tell him, but I warn you my wife’s shame and regrets over the years in written and spoken word added to things I already questioned about our past where I could no longer deny what had happened. I have seen my priest, a good counselor and have suffered physically by working myself up into two TIAs. I’m now making progress with God’s help and although I am forgiving without her asking I will never be completely free of it. No one ever says I forgive and are completely free of it, only the Saints and Jesus did that.

I’ll pray for you
 
onellama said:
If she didn’t deny it, do you think you would be able to forgive her? You stuck by her all this time, I don’t know why she wouldn’t admit. If I am asked, I will not lie.
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Sorry I rambled and didn’t answer your questions. She will not admit to it as she fears her world will collapse I think. That I will tell her parents, the children, friends scares her to death beyond the what effects it has on me and our marriage. She would have to lie to all of them, a new low and painful for her. She believes being reconciled with God in matters of sin is all that is needed and has tried to mitigate her sins in her own mind by telling herself lies. I have called her ugly things in anger and made many accusations when I came to suspect, before God guided me to a kinder place and that has added to her fear of telling me I’m sure.

I stuck by her first because I didn’t want to believe then when I accepted because I am convinced nothing ever again like her affair, not a fling, occurred and I still love her. It is crazy and still hurts.
 
armyross said:
Sorry Joe it happend to me in my life awhile ago. Still trying to work through it. I just have a hard time when people do this to each other and then want everyone to help them on what to do. I know what to do dont do it. And when the lies start even when you know the truth.
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When people come on the forums asking for advice or support what was done to us is neither here nor there. It is not my intention to sound sanctimonious but in my view, one of the worst things we can do is offload our own hurt onto someone else because their error is of a similar nature to the one we were hurt by.

I know none of us are experts and we have ‘baggage’ that understandably colors our judgement, but can you imagine sitting down with a marriage guidance councilor and they say something like, ‘I have no sympathy for you because my partner cheated on me and I was so hurt?’ You would never go near that therapist again.
 
armyross said:
Sorry Joe it happend to me in my life awhile ago. Still trying to work through it. I just have a hard time when people do this to each other and then want everyone to help them on what to do. I know what to do dont do it. And when the lies start even when you know the truth.
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When they come here and they haven’t yet done it, or when they are still doing it, that is what we tell them: Don’t do it, stay far from it, don’t take any chances with that temptation. When that decision is water under the bridge, though, what good will it do to say anything but, “neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more?” But yes, nowhere did the Lord say that the sins he forgave would have no temporal results. Moral law is not arbitrary. Sin is forbidden because sin injures those whom God loves, those whom we ought to love, too. That is worth saying.

It is very hard to let go when the person will not ask for reconciliation, though, particularly when they lie to direct questions, rather than just being discrete about what they’ve done in order to protect you. Perhaps the one who is punishing her the most is her. It would be so much better if she’d let you help you both heal together. 😦
 
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