I cheated on my husband

[_Jenn]

Your husband deserves the truth. He deserves to know that there is a chance he could’ve gotten an std from you, & he should know that so that he can get tested, & abstain until he is 100% sure you are both negative for an diseases. He deserves to know that he is alone in believing the seriousness of the vows you both took before God, friends, & family. He deserves to know so that he can obtain proper counsel from whomever he deems appropriate.

You, however, IMO, deserve nothing. At least not now. Perhaps someday you will have earned his trust back, perhaps not. Yes, I know I am harsh. But cheating is, IMO, a deal breaker.

 

[HouseArrest]

Yes! This especially is part of the reason I would want to know. I would be unbelievably hurt and betrayed to find out that my spouse not only cheated on me but then hid that fact from me and allowed us to live a lie for 10-20-30 years. And it doesn’t really matter whether or not I ever find out, it would still be a betrayal. I don’t care if the truth is more painful than reality, I still want the truth. I don’t want to be living in a make-believe world that someone else is keeping me in because they are afraid I will be hurt too badly by the real one. And, again OP, I am not saying this to try and convince you to tell your spouse because, for some reason that I can’t understand, there really are people who wouldn’t want to know. (Personally, I believe that the right thing to do, lying and decieving others is wrong, yes the truth will bring pain with it, but it is not the words themselves which cause the pain, but the reality behind the words which has already happened) But just please don’t take the advice that people are giving of not telling your spouse as obviously being the correct answer. Talk with someone in person about your situation.

I agree with you. On top of being cheated on, I can’t imagine someone deciding if and how I was going to live with it.

 

[almondbaby19]

I’ve been lurking in these forums for a couple of weeks and joined just to answer to this post. If my husband ever cheated on me, I think I deserve to know. I would be outraged and worried if he had cheated and kept it from me for weeks, months, and I don’t even want to get into years. Why wouldn’t you be honest with the person you love the most? You are married to them, please do not lie to your poor husband. Please be honest. I will be praying for you.

 

[Samson01]

I cheated on my husband with a man I met online. I won’t offer any excuses because there is no excuse that justifies what I did. My husband has no idea and there really is no possibility that he would ever find out. All communication with the other man has stopped. My question is, do I tell my husband? It would devastate him to know the truth and I fear it will also have a negative impact on the lives of our children. If I say nothing, only I will suffer with guilt and I deserve the suffering.

I’ll keep it short and sweet. First get tested, talk to a Priest, convert, trust The Lord in the confessional through His representative, and then learn to forgive yourself. If you do anything less you may never find peace and anything more will change your relationship with your husband. I don’t say this lightly as one who has an unfaithful wife and pending separation/ civil divorce. Trust is the key here…you have to rebuild that with God first.

 

[EasterJoy]

I would want to know if my wife ever did something like that to me. I sure would hate to find out 30 years from now that she has been lying to me forever.

People feel differently about this. Provided my husband repented, I’d rather not know. I would be OK with it if he needed to tell me, of course, but if it were a one-time stupid thing that he regretted, I would rather not know. I wouldn’t see that as lying to me forever. I’d see that as lying to me once and having to live with it for the rest of his life. That’s a pretty stiff sentence, in my book. If it were more than once, though, if it were a habit, then I’d be very upset if he didn’t come clean, because obviously he knew that he wasn’t capable of repenting and amending all by himself. That would be long-term lying, in my mind.

 

[JackieMom]

People feel differently about this. Provided my husband repented, I’d rather not know. I would be OK with it if he needed to tell me, of course, but if it were a one-time stupid thing that he regretted, I would rather not know. I wouldn’t see that as lying to me forever. I’d see that as lying to me once and having to live with it for the rest of his life. That’s a pretty stiff sentence, in my book. If it were more than once, though, if it were a habit, then I’d be very upset if he didn’t come clean, because obviously he knew that he wasn’t capable of repenting and amending all by himself. That would be long-term lying, in my mind.

I agree with you. An ongoing affair? Yes, I need to know. A one-time mistake that will not happen again? I don’t think that’s necessarily information I need to have. How would it benefit me? How would it improve my life? How would it lead me toward God? Take your shame and guilt to Christ in the confessional, be wiped clean of the error and move ahead. Sometimes not sharing information is a kindness.

 

[28562]

People feel differently about this. Provided my husband repented, I’d rather not know. I would be OK with it if he needed to tell me, of course, but if it were a one-time stupid thing that he regretted, I would rather not know. I wouldn’t see that as lying to me forever. I’d see that as lying to me once and having to live with it for the rest of his life. That’s a pretty stiff sentence, in my book. If it were more than once, though, if it were a habit, then I’d be very upset if he didn’t come clean, because obviously he knew that he wasn’t capable of repenting and amending all by himself. That would be long-term lying, in my mind.

You bring up another good point I thought of later.

I love my wife. Very much, as a matter of fact. I don’t want to ever see my wife suffering and in pain. If she were to cheat on me, I would still love her. I still would not want to see her hurt. That includes the hurt that comes with the guilt of knowing what she did and suffering in her own mind and heart knowing what she did to me. I would want her to come clean and we can work through our hurt together. It’s not easy, but the right thing rarely is.

 

[bunnykisses88]

yeah I would tell him. well I’ve told my bf ,now hubby, things i’ve done online with webcam and of course he was hurt but he forgave me. I also have never and will never do that again. It is painful but you can’t keep it eating at you forever. It may make him lose a lot of trust in you but it takes time and healing together. Well I tell my hubby everything anyway because he knows when something is eating at me and refuses to give up until we talk it out.

 

[asd72]

I believe when we sin in a way that seriously impacts another person we need to confess, ask for forgiveness and make restitution to those we hurt along with God.

 

[EasterJoy]

You bring up another good point I thought of later.

I love my wife. Very much, as a matter of fact. I don’t want to ever see my wife suffering and in pain. If she were to cheat on me, I would still love her. I still would not want to see her hurt. That includes the hurt that comes with the guilt of knowing what she did and suffering in her own mind and heart knowing what she did to me. I would want her to come clean and we can work through our hurt together. It’s not easy, but the right thing rarely is.

Yes, I think it depends very much on the couple, but it is important to choose the right thing instead of the easiest thing. It would not be a decision I’d try to make without pastoral counseling. Whether or not you decided to tell, after all, there would be the matter of how to go about telling, how to handle the emotions of the innocent spouse, how to know what different results could come of it. You wouldn’t want to be blindly reacting to the way your spouse reacted…you might hurt them all over again. It would be hard enough to go through at all, without going through it having no idea what to expect or what the moral questions were in a particular case. I’d also want someone like a priest who could question my motives but also to keep me from questioning them beyond all help. It’s one of those very bad things that you shouldn’t try to fix up all by yourself. You ought to have a wise guide to help you.

 

[iHeartGrumpyCat]

Tell him, don’t let him be the fool.

Pick the time and the place. Prepare in every way possible to minimize the fallout, but he deserves to know.

Don’t let him end up like that 90 year old man in Italy…

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I cheated on my husband with a man I met online. I won’t offer any excuses because there is no excuse that justifies what I did. My husband has no idea and there really is no possibility that he would ever find out. All communication with the other man has stopped. My question is, do I tell my husband? It would devastate him to know the truth and I fear it will also have a negative impact on the lives of our children. If I say nothing, only I will suffer with guilt and I deserve the suffering.

I am in the camp that believes that you should NOT destroy your family with this revelation. Many men find it very difficult to forgive infidelity, and you might end up with a divorce and your children forever impacted. At this time, what is the benefit to revealing this to your husband? I say, talk to your pastor, get a therapist, SWEAR TO GOD never to do such a thing again, and take it to your grave.

 

[Chantal25]

I support the recommendation to go see a priest and to get tested so you don’t pass anything to your husband.

I personally would tell my husband even though, it could cost my marriage because you are lying by omission and i wouldn’t feel at peace. You need to let go the attachment that he will forgive you and also that he may decide to leave. You have been unfaithful but you can heal your life with remorse and truth. I have seen many where they managed to reconcile and healed their marriage regardless.

Honesty, start with integrity and truth.

Consult with your priest, he will help you. He hears many more scandalous confession, have faith. If you feel truly remorseful, God will forgive you through confession.

All the best with this!

 

[LaSainte]

I agree with you. On top of being cheated on, I can’t imagine someone deciding if and how I was going to live with it.

Yes! And what if (I know this is morbid) you die and be somehow finds out after your death, and has no way of talking to you about it or getting any kind of explanation? It would be horrible.

 

[LaSainte]

I have to say that on a forum where it has been debated ad nauseum whether or not it is ok to lie to NAZIS about hiding Jews in your house, and MANY people say “no”, I am shocked that so many people think it is perfectly ok to lie to your spouse (who is, according to the Bible, your very SELF) for the rest of your life be ause you don’t think they can handle the information and might leave or be hurt. Well, isn’t that up to THEM? Shouldn’t they be able to decide for themselves whether it not they want to be with someone who was capable of breaking the most important and serious of all the vows you took when you got married? Shouldn’t they be able to decide if they can continue to live with a person who was willing to destroy their entire family (including children) over another lover? Not to mention all the secretiveness and lying involved in arranging for these multiple appointments to priests and therapists that everyone is suggesting. “Just popping out to the store honey! Can you watch the kids?” These kinds of secrets and lies will DESTROY a marriage and a human being from the inside out.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Yes! And what if (I know this is morbid) you die and be somehow finds out after your death, and has no way of talking to you about it or getting any kind of explanation? It would be horrible.

How would he find out? If it’s between this woman and the other man, who is 1000 miles away, it’s unlikely to just pop up after her death. That is, if she never contacts him again, changes all her contact information, and takes it to her grave without ever mentioning it. Not to say that her affair partner might not tell others, that’s always a risk, and with social media these days, I suppose it’s harder to keep something completely secret.

If she repeats the act, then it’s over. She must tell.

If I found out that my husband had had an affair at some point in our marriage, but never told me, and kept the marriage together, I believe that I would be grateful that he stayed and kept his mouth shut. Otherwise we’d be divorced and my life would be drastically affected, and our children would have been destroyed as well. To what purpose? Just for an ideal of “honesty?” Well, I think people have to examine their motivations on that one. Many times it’s the cheaters who want to purge their guilt by telling, but when the result is a destroyed family, I’m just not convinced it’s a good idea.



We did this thread a few months ago, didn’t we?

 

[Xantippe]

“I agree with this. I would rather my husband was honest with me, so that I could make the decision of whether or not I wanted to spend my life with someone who was capable of doing this to me and our family.”

What sort of choice do the kids get? None at all. That doesn’t sound fair.

 

[aidanbradypop]

I will break the line and say tell your husband. If you keep it to yourself, you are actually hurting both of you. If my wife cheated on me, I would like to know. Sure it would really hurt but I believe I deserve the truth in a matter such as this. Keeping it to yourself is simply living a lie. Is marriage supposed to be like that?

Also one could examine why the cheating happened in the first place. What caused you to cheat? Has that problem been taken care of. By keeping it a secret, you are not addressing the core issue that caused you to step out on your marriage. If not addressed, will it happen again?

My :twocents:

 

[aidanbradypop]

How would he find out? If it’s between this woman and the other man, who is 1000 miles away, it’s unlikely to just pop up after her death. That is, if she never contacts him again, changes all her contact information, and takes it to her grave without ever mentioning it. Not to say that her affair partner might not tell others, that’s always a risk, and with social media these days, I suppose it’s harder to keep something completely secret.

If she repeats the act, then it’s over. She must tell.

If I found out that my husband had had an affair at some point in our marriage, but never told me, and kept the marriage together, I believe that I would be grateful that he stayed and kept his mouth shut. Otherwise we’d be divorced and my life would be drastically affected, and our children would have been destroyed as well. To what purpose? Just for an ideal of “honesty?” Well, I think people have to examine their motivations on that one. Many times it’s the cheaters who want to purge their guilt by telling, but when the result is a destroyed family, I’m just not convinced it’s a good idea.



We did this thread a few months ago, didn’t we?

So live a lie and not value honesty?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

So live a lie and not value honesty?

It is not living a lie. It is making a terrible mistake and correcting that mistake, for Catholics, confessing her sin to a priest (the OP is NOT a Catholic, which complicates things a little), and not repeating that mistake. She would be living a lie if she continued to have affairs.

But I am not going to continue to argue my POV, I know I am in the minority and do not wish to go on debating this point on the OP’s thread.

My recommendations to the OP remain: See your pastor or a priest (you will not receive absolution because you are not Catholic), talk to a therapist, make sure you never do such a thing again.