I did something wrong

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oldcathgirl

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I need to talk to someone now. I am a devoted catholic, been married for 25 years and last night I cheated on my husband for the very first time. I was drinking with a friend and we went back to his place. This is totally out of character for me. I feel awe full and I don’t know what to do. I know ignwoont happen again but I’m not sure if I should tell my husband. He hasn’t given me any attention in the past 12 months and things have been stressed and I know that’s not an excuse but I feel so bad. What do I do?
 
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Go to confession ASAP. Don’t tell your husband. It was a mistake, a big one but these things can happen. Confess asap. Move on trying to improve your marriage. Once confessed do not beat yourself up over it. Leave the sin at the foot of the Cross.
 
Confession.

Then resolve never to be with another man alone again, ever! When we commiserate with another…we give them the keys to our heart…and then things roll down from there, physically. Normally it’s the heart that’s first compromised…we share our desires…these “desires” (and I don’t simply mean the physical ones) belong to your husband, and to no one else. We share them…then others have power over us to move us in ways that are not good.

First came the self-pity, then came the isolation with another of the opposite sex, then the booze, then…

Your soul (and your husband’s souls) needs you to put your shoulder to the Cross and rebuild the marriage with a spirit of great trust in God, and a heart ready to “die to itself” for the true good of your husband.

Marriage is a great act of mortification…we need to embrace it…because it will spur good growth in our soul, allowing us to bring our spouse to God.
 
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@Edward_H Out of Likes. You get a cookie 🍪
 
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  1. Go to Confession. And don’t do this again. Avoid the “near occasion of sin” by not being out with male friends (especially That friend) drinking. Some people can handle being out drinking with an opposite-sex friend without anything happening, and some can’t. I would not take the chance again if I were you.
  2. Your post suggests that you are having an issue in your marriage. Please seek some marital counseling, preferably from a Catholic counselor.
Cheating on your husband is not going to resolve this situation in a positive way. Counseling might. Good luck. I will pray for you.
 
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oldcathgirl said:
I need to talk to someone now. I am a devoted catholic, been married for 25 years and last night I cheated on my husband for the very first time. I was drinking with a friend and we went back to his place.
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Can you trust your friend to keep his mouth shut?
 
Edward_H said:
Then resolve never to be with another man alone again, ever!
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There may be a myriad of circumstances including work where she has to be “alone with a man”. I think being “alone with a man” is not the issue. Being out drinking with a male friend with whom she was likely commiserating about her marital issues, or who may have known about them or sensed them even if she didn’t say anything, is the problem here.

She might be able to be alone with her 67-year-old married boss on a business trip, cold sober, staying in separate rooms and focused on work, without anything happening.
 
TheAmazingGrace said:
I need to talk to someone now. I am a devoted catholic, been married for 25 years and last night I cheated on my husband for the very first time. I was drinking with a friend and we went back to his place.

Can you trust your friend to keep his mouth shut?
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Yeah, if there is even the very slightest chance that this news is going to get around and back to your husband’s ear, best if he hears it from you and not from some busybody neighbor.

But you might want to seek some counseling and perhaps tell him in the course of the counseling discussion, rather than just spring it on him over dinner.
 
I’ve been telling my husband we need to go to counseling before something happens. And now it has and I feel horrible. I can’t believe I did that. This is exactly what my dad did to my mom. It hurt me so bad. I never heated to do something like this. If I tell my husband I’m afraid he will leave me and it will crush me and our girls. I can trust my friend. I can’t stop crying…
 
oldcathgirl said:
I’ve been telling my husband we need to go to counseling before something happens. And now it has and I feel horrible. I can’t believe I did that. This is exactly what my dad did to my mom.
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You saw this coming. You “learned it at home” so to speak, from dear ol’ dad.

If husband won’t go to the counseling with you, then you go ASAP. Your own soul is at stake here, not just your marriage.
 
Tis…even at work there need to be some quiet and natural controls placed in.

Too many Catholics have lost their sense of this topic.

Unless it’s an HR/personnel/employee coaching session…the door should remain open…topics should stay focused just on work…questions from the other about family, kids, should be respectfully answered…but without any elaboration…giving the nudge that “we need to move on to the business at hand.”.

And so forth…every Catholic should develop refined skills of discretion in this regard, steering well clear of situations where male/female could be isolated…a set of verbal skills, choosing the opposite side of the table, putting the watch on the table (sorry, I need to remind myself to get to a few other things). Time bounded meeting that ends by standing up…etc. Signal sent.

Depends on the circumstances, but we need to heighten our understanding of the threats against marital chastity. And we need to be ready to help our friends understand this at well. Perhap two peer managers who are both male…one can quietly mention the need to keep a distance in cases where he might end up along in an office with another woman…we need to model discretion, and let younger men of our sex understand this.

Car pooling is another area where there could be problems…anytime there are occasions for “sharing what’s in the heart…concerns about your spouse’s job…problems with the kids, issues with one’s aging parents…” these are all matters of the heart…and we must realize that the mere discussion of these with someone of the opposite sex, alone, is risky.
 
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As all have said; go to Confession & yes seek marriage counseling ASAP.
 
oldcathgirl said:
I need to talk to someone now. I am a devoted catholic, been married for 25 years and last night I cheated on my husband for the very first time. I was drinking with a friend and we went back to his place. This is totally out of character for me. I feel awe full and I don’t know what to do. I know ignwoont happen again but I’m not sure if I should tell my husband. He hasn’t given me any attention in the past 12 months and things have been stressed and I know that’s not an excuse but I feel so bad. What do I do?
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  1. Confession
  2. Marriage counseling
  3. Do not EVER go out drinking with a male “friend” again. (and I really question how much of a friend this guy is!)
 
Go to confession. Do not tell your spouse until you have had a good, frank confession and listen to what your priest says.

Get tested for STDs, pregnancy, and then after that you need to work with your pastor. It may ease your conscience to tell your husband, and destroy your marriage at the same time. You can never untell your husband.

Realize that married women have no business getting drunk alone with male friends. New rule, no drinking unless DH is with you.
 
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Many Good Points! Cake 🎂 for everyone!
 
@oldcathgirl Why in the world were you out drinking with a male friend on a Saturday night without your hubby in the first place?

I don’t even allow my wife to hang out with “male friends” at all, not even for coffee, nothing. I will not tolerate her putting herself in a position where she could easily commit adultery.

And she returns the favor - if I tried to go out drinking with a female “friend”, my wife would pull a Lorenna Bobbitt on me — then I simply wouldn’t be able to commit adultery!

Lastly, as a Catholic you shouldn’t be “out drinking” to begin with. Drunkeness is always a grave sin. It’s one thing to have a few beers watching TV or couple glasses of wine at dinner… it’s quite another to be “out drinking” by bar hopping or clubbing or whatever.

I URGE you to do 3 things:
  1. Go to Confession ASAP, and in the meantime refrain from receiving Communion (but do go to Mass still!)
  2. Do NOT tell your husband. These “mistakes” are best kept between you and God, and never repeated again.
  3. Do not ever do this again. Cut all contact with this “friend” — block him on social media, delete his number, pretend like he has passed away and no longer on the planet.
 
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Spyridon said:
I don’t even allow my wife to hang out with “male friends” at all, not even for coffee, nothing. I will not tolerate her putting herself in a position where she could easily commit adultery.
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While a post about someone else’s pain, and i do not want to derail - a spouse is not a parent. Such an attitude would more often than not lead to a very unhealthy marriage.

It is one thing to say “my wife and I made an agreement when we got married that we will never socialize with friends” still a little odd, but, spouses don’t allow or disallow, that is a parent.
 
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