I don't get how people do it

[Bri125]

Hello friends. Several years ago, I “re-found” my faith and became a devoted follower of my Catholic faith (despite a rocky past). I educated myself on my religion and felt very solid in what I believed in.

So fast forward, I have been in a relationship for almost 2.5 years now, with the intention of being married and living happily every after. Since it goes against my Catholic faith, I decided from day 1 that I would not co-habitate until marriage. 2.5 years later we are still living separately, and I must admit it has been the biggest struggle ever. I understand and agree with the teachings of the church, but it is SO SO SOOO hard to build a solid foundation from two separate houses. Now that we’ve been together for a couple years, we want to get married, but in some sense we feel like there’s so much we don’t know about each other because we lack that close connection. I hate to even think it, but sometimes it makes me resent my faith. I see all of my friends living these “freestyle” relationships with no Catholic “rules” and it looks awesome. I know God’s teaching is the right way to go but it is so hard and I hate it. I feel like I just want to rush and get married just so we can be together but I know that’s probably not the right move either. I don’t understand how Catholics do it. It was a struggle to keep a “long-distance” relationship alive for 2 years, and I didn’t expect it to be. How are people who do not live together expected to keep the relationship alive?

Thanks for listening. I guess I’m not looking for any real advice, I just needed to vent.

 

[1ke]

You have been dating 2.5 years? That is a long time. Get married!

 

[crenfro]

Thanks for listening. I guess I’m not looking for any real advice, I just needed to vent.

Vent away!

I guess I agree with the previous poster - perhaps you should just get married. Then it feels more secure and peaceful to go on with these types of discussions - with your spouse.

It helps too to focus on your significant-other’s well-being instead of only the difficulties that relationships can bring.

Perhaps couple’s counseling might help, or talking to your pastor.

Please disregard if this isn’t helpful. It’s only my opinion.

God bless you.

 

[Bri125]

Thanks for replying. I guess the real problem is, my boyfriend is struggling with the “long distance” (not living together) thing more than I am. The way he sees it, we have been together for 2.5 years, yet we have no close couple-y relationship outside of the one we share together with my 5 year old daughter (from a previous relationship…part of the rocky past I mentioned earlier). While having a child certainly makes any relationship harder, you can imagine how hard it is to balance both factors. My boyfriend is feeling like he HAS to marry me now in order to get us all under one roof and living a close family “real” relationship, and that’s the only solution. While we have both been wanting and anticipating marriage since the start, i think he is feeling pressured, like the only way he can get all of me is by marrying me. We tend to disagree on this slightly, since I think that that’s the whole point of marriage. But anyways, thanks again for listening!

 

[1ke]

i think he is feeling pressured, like the only way he can get all of me is by marrying me.

Well, yeah.

And if he has a problem with that, then you have a large red flag waving in front of your face. Heed it.

 

[TC2]

That’s how it should be. He doesn’t get all of you without that full, marriage commitment. Why should he without it?

As to the comment, how to build a strong foundation from two separate houses (paraphrasing the OP here), that’s how it was done for centuries. It’s only recently that ‘living together’ became a ‘better option’. Don’t fall for that trap.

Are you using your time together wisely? Discussing your viewpoints and feelings about children, money, religion, politics? Dating shouldn’t be all fun and games (or it can be, but you should use it to study and learn about each other, not just have a 'good time).

Why, after two years, aren’t you married yet? Because you ‘don’t know each other well enough’? You will never know ‘everything’ about the other person before marriage. You commit, and work it out as it comes up (but those discussions I mentioned above before marriage can help smooth this). That’s commitment, that’s marriage.

Not knowing every thing about the other so you don’t get any surprises. And don’t expect them not to change over time. Little things, I mean. Perspectives and attitudes can turn with age and experience. What you want and dream of at 25 may be vastly different from what you long for at 45 (I’m talking jobs, hometowns, interests, not each other!).

 

[Usige]

I have never understood this idea that you have to live together and form a “family relationship” before getting married. Marriage isn’t supposed to be the last thing you do, but rather the foundation on which the family is built.

Let’s say you live together for another 1.5 years, just to make sure you are close enough. What happens if after 4 years you decide you arent right? Now have to disentangle your households. Living together generally causes more issues then it solves.

The question is if this is someone you can commit to spending the rest of your life together with. This includes if they are a slob, grumpy in the morning, or any other nit that people think they will discover from living together. It’s easy to be married during the better and health. The true test is if you will still stand by someone in the times of worse and sickness.

If he refers to a long distance relationship as merely not sleeping in the same bed or living in the same house, but still sees you every week, then it sounds loke he needs to mature. If he wants to live together but feels like he is being forced into marriage he has a completely distorted view of marriage.

 

[lax16]

Thanks for replying. I guess the real problem is, my boyfriend is struggling with the “long distance” (not living together) thing more than I am. The way he sees it, we have been together for 2.5 years, yet we have no close couple-y relationship outside of the one we share together with my 5 year old daughter (from a previous relationship…part of the rocky past I mentioned earlier). While having a child certainly makes any relationship harder, you can imagine how hard it is to balance both factors. My boyfriend is feeling like he HAS to marry me now in order to get us all under one roof and living a close family “real” relationship, and that’s the only solution. While we have both been wanting and anticipating marriage since the start, i think he is feeling pressured, like the only way he can get all of me is by marrying me. We tend to disagree on this slightly, since I think that that’s the whole point of marriage. But anyways, thanks again for listening!

When my husband and I were dating he wanted to make things “easier” and move in together. I said no and that I was looking for marriage and children and needed to be able to pursue both if he wasn’t interested. We became engaged soon after and have been married 24 years.

I don’t think it is uncommon for men to feel this way. I think it is good to know how a man will react to this perceived pressure.

 

[Kelfa28]

I had no issues keeping my relationship with my husband alive through deployments and various military schools.

That was almost 18 months worth of separation.

We talked on the phone and skyped a lot. We kept growing our relationship…even from a distance.

We’ve been married 4 years now.

Just get married sooner then later…then you can live together!

 

[EasterJoy]

Friend, I know someone married over 25 years who didn’t live in the same TOWN until they were married. That’s a long-distance relationship. Keeping separate households in the same town is what you do* before* you’ve made the commitment to forge a life together. Good grief, does the real estate agent let you live in a home for a month or two before you buy it? No. You go in, look around, take out the loan, and when the offer is accepted and it is yours you get the keys and THEN you get to live there. (Yes, there are always things you didn’t know when you bought.)

Honestly, I would say that if you do not have separate households that you have placed an impediment on free consent to marry because you’ve taken away some of your freedom to say, “no.” When you make your vows, make sure that you have fully preserved your ability to say both “yes” and “no,” rather than getting yourself in so deep that anything other than “yes” is a betrayal of an understanding. That is what people do when they co-habitate.

 

[EasterJoy]

You have been dating 2.5 years? That is a long time. Get married!

This is good advice. If you’ve been together for 2 1/2 years, you ought to know. If you still “don’t know,” to me that says you need to be either more honest or a bit more courageous.

 

[mexolic]

Seeing your friends live their lives apart from the Catholic faith might seem cool. But keep in mind that you have a 5 year old daughter. You didn’t mention if your boyfriend is Catholic or of another faith. Marriage is something you both want. Do both of you share the same beliefs and values?

 

[Bri125]

Thank you all for your insightful replies. It has really helped me to clear my head and makes me realize that I’m not crazy for feeling this way!!! I know I’m right in my beliefs about living together.

We are both Catholic, although I am a little “more” Catholic, if that makes any sense. This is mostly because, as a mother, I am hyper-aware of how I am raising my daughter, and have decided to raise her in the Catholic faith. This is why things like cohabitation are so important to me. I don’t want her to learn or see that that’s the right thing to do. As she grows up, I want her to have a model of a husband and wife who did things “right” and didn’t give in to the pressures of society. Someday I hope she will realize that although this was a great challenge, it is worth it!

 

[St_Francis]

When two people live together, they are still not married, so there is still that aspect of "being on probation, so living together still won’t be the real thing.

He is pressuring you to commit yourself more than he is willing to commit himself. That is not right at all.

I have to say that he does not seem to understand what marriage is about. Maybe it’s time for the two of you to have a long and serious discussion about what each of you thinks marriage is all about.

 

[1ke]

We are both Catholic, although I am a little “more” Catholic, if that makes any sense.

It makes sense and it says “proceed with caution” to me. Have you discussed raising your children in the faith, following ALL church teachings, and living a Catholic life in a Catholic household?

Is he going to be this way about other things, particularly those related to the teachings of the church on marital intimacy? Is there a constant pushing of boundaries? He kind of sounds like he sulks and whines, but maybe that is just something I’m reading into your post. NOT an attractive quality in a future spouse. And frankly, do you want to have to be the “bad guy” all the time when you should be standing shoulder to shoulder against a hostile world?

 

[Lily_Bernans]

Well, yeah.

And if he has a problem with that, then you have a large red flag waving in front of your face. Heed it.

Absolutely. If he has trouble with that, he’s not marriage material.

 

[Lily_Bernans]

Friend, I know someone married over 25 years who didn’t live in the same TOWN until they were married. That’s a long-distance relationship. Keeping separate households in the same town is what you do* before* you’ve made the commitment to forge a life together. Good grief, does the real estate agent let you live in a home for a month or two before you buy it? No. You go in, look around, take out the loan, and when the offer is accepted and it is yours you get the keys and THEN you get to live there. (Yes, there are always things you didn’t know when you bought.)

Honestly, I would say that if you do not have separate households that you have placed an impediment on free consent to marry because you’ve taken away some of your freedom to say, “no.” When you make your vows, make sure that you have fully preserved your ability to say both “yes” and “no,” rather than getting yourself in so deep that anything other than “yes” is a betrayal of an understanding. That is what people do when they co-habitate.

 

[Lorelei12]

While we have both been wanting and anticipating marriage since the start, i think he is feeling pressured, like the only way he can get all of me is by marrying me. We tend to disagree on this slightly, since I think that that’s the whole point of marriage. But anyways, thanks again for listening!

If he wants all of you, make him commit to all of you. You’re right, that is the whole point. But you’re in control of what he gets, and when.

As long as you are clear about your intentions not to live together, if he feels pressured that’s on him. He can either do something about it or not, and if he doesn’t, you can either decide to wait around or not.

You mention that you see a lot of your friends living together without all these Catholic rules and it “looks awesome”. That’s actually interesting to me, because many of the people I know who are living together have been doing so for years and want to be married and start families and can’t understand why they aren’t there yet. You don’t need to think of it as “exerting pressure”, as many people would like you to believe. It’s more about making a moral decision for yourself, and letting him decide whether he’s okay with that or not. His response says a lot about whether he’s the kind of man you want to be married to.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you all for your insightful replies. It has really helped me to clear my head and makes me realize that I’m not crazy for feeling this way!!! I know I’m right in my beliefs about living together.

We are both Catholic, although I am a little “more” Catholic, if that makes any sense. This is mostly because, as a mother, I am hyper-aware of how I am raising my daughter, and have decided to raise her in the Catholic faith. This is why things like cohabitation are so important to me. I don’t want her to learn or see that that’s the right thing to do. As she grows up, I want her to have a model of a husband and wife who did things “right” and didn’t give in to the pressures of society. Someday I hope she will realize that although this was a great challenge, it is worth it!

I wouldn’t condemn him for finding it hard. It is entirely human nature to be tempted to feel as if you are “missing out” if you stick to moral law when it seems that few around you are doing the same thing. God will judge whether the others had the grace to do what we managed to do; that is not our business. Our duty is to make those moral choices that we know we have been given the grace to choose.

No, I would mostly find it a red flag if you have made your decision clear and he keeps pressuring you to be a bit “less Catholic.” That, I would find a red flag, because there will always be these choices to make all your life–not just sexual choices, but all sorts of temptations to cut corners or to fudge on the things you know you ought to do. We will fall, yes, but in marriage you want to find someone who helps you to be a *better *version of yourself more often than otherwise, rather than the other way around.

 

[Vico]

… I hate to even think it, but sometimes it makes me resent my faith. I see all of my friends living these “freestyle” relationships with no Catholic “rules” and it looks awesome. …

It may look awesome, but its not. That is the essence of temptation!