I feel like a terrible wife

[AB_Juney]

I’m still sort of considered a newly wed (been married almost a year) and I’m feeling completely lost right now. I barely know where to start.

i was 21, he 23 when we married. I thought I was marrying a Nazarene. WE had it all set; we’d go to both our churches together, and raise our children exclusively and only in the Catholic faith. He was totally fine with that. Well, flash forward oh, a week after our marriage, and he stops going to his church. Turns out he isn’t Nazarene; that’s just where he and his family happened to be going. They’re prosperity gospel Evangelics, which I wasn’t aware of. Still…ok. I agree with this doctrine a lot less than I do Nazarene, but oh well. but now he doesn’t attend church at all; he says watching the preachers on TV is just as good.

Well…I also thought I was marrying an artist, with a real passion for music. Nope. Once we were married, he all but stopped going to practice, I’ve seen him play his guitar only once. It’s video games, day in and day out. He’ll do chores if I ask, which is rarely, but it takes a day to get them done. Even at Christmas time, when I begged him to decorate a tree with me, the second we were done, literally, he was out of the room, and back to his Xbox.

Right now, we’re reaching issue on the subject of children. We’re not ready yet, but I feel we will be soon. We’re in a good place. But my husband? Wants to own a new car, a new house, etc before we think about it…and by own, I mean own. He thinks we’re going to save up and buy a new house, in full, in cash, up front. He doens’t believe in loans, because his gospel teachings are that if you’re Christian, you deserve money. Also, he thinks we can do this in 5 years. I’ve tried to tell him that this just isn’t feesable, to save up 100,000 or more, up front, in a reasonable ammount of time, plus the money for a car, and THEN think about children…I dont’ think he wants kids. Every time I bring it up, or tell him I’m not pregnant after we thought I might be, the remarks he makes are hurtful.

Even with this, I do still love him. We don’t fight. We can talk about most issues pretty openly…but I simply don’t enjoy his company the way I thought I would. We have dinner together, maybe play a game together, walk the dogs, run errands…but I just don’t like spending so much time with him. and I hate myself for it. I hear people all the time saying your spouse is your best friend, and if they aren’t, there’s something wrong. WEll…my husband isn’t my best friend. There are concerns I know I can’t go to him for, because he doesn’t believe in them, like my emotional worries. Psychology is dangerous, he says. Here, have a Christian book about Happy trees in your brain instead. I like being with him sometimes, and peaceful evenings at home are nice, but I’m happiest when I’m with my family, or my girlfriends, and I feel guilty for that, even though I know he as well relishes his alone time, his guy time; we don’t thrive well on a lot of together time.But I had someone tell me if I peferd the company or time of anyone above my husband, I am in sin, and need to cut them from my life completely…is that true? I don’t dislike my husbands time. I do love him, and want him to be happy…but often, we’re happiest doing our own thing.

 

[Rainaldo]

So lemme get this straight … you knew him and then married him. And you want us to give you advice.

Oh, and he’s nothing like how you knew him as.

My advice: Obey your husband. Because that’s what you bought in for. You made your bed, lie in it.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

My advice: Obey your husband. Because that’s what you bought in for. .

I don’t recall the vows being quite so simple. The relationship between husband and wife is not that of boss to employee or clay to potter.

 

[mdgspencer]

The only advice I can give is to pray. And keep praying every day.
I am no expert when it comes to the things you talked about, but I do know prayer is worthwhile.

 

[wardrandolph]

The teaching of some televangelists reminds me of the Sacred Scripture they teach Gain as Godliness.That doctrine is easy to swallow if you don’t know history.They pull scripture completely out of context to prove what they teach.No offence,but your husband is not a “kid”.He should devote more time to relationships not games.I will be praying for both of you.

 

[akka]

Your husband’s ties to the xbox and apathy seems dangerous. Try make him a bit outgoing.

 

[Owen_joseph]

Your solution lies in PRAYER, PRAYER and PRAYER…
Your husband needs loads and loads of prayers and I am going to start praying for him and you today. The evil one slowly starts giving justification for all the material things on earth and makes us desire more and more worldly things. After all life on this earth is temporary. Our permanent dwelling is in heaven with God.

Just surrender him to the Lord and pray sincerely for the Lord to guide him on the right path. Prayer works miracles. Do you read the Word of God daily? Do it, if you are not doing so till now. You will hear God talking to you. Remember when we pray, we talk to God but when we read the Word of God, God talks to us. Nothing is impossible with God (Luke1:37).
God bless you both. Shall keep you in my prayers.

 

[Bravo_6]

I’m still sort of considered a newly wed (been married almost a year) and I’m feeling completely lost right now. I barely know where to start.

i was 21, he 23 when we married. I thought I was marrying a Nazarene. WE had it all set; we’d go to both our churches together, and raise our children exclusively and only in the Catholic faith. He was totally fine with that. Well, flash forward oh, a week after our marriage, and he stops going to his church. Turns out he isn’t Nazarene; that’s just where he and his family happened to be going. They’re prosperity gospel Evangelics, which I wasn’t aware of. Still…ok. I agree with this doctrine a lot less than I do Nazarene, but oh well. but now he doesn’t attend church at all; he says watching the preachers on TV is just as good.

Well…I also thought I was marrying an artist, with a real passion for music. Nope. Once we were married, he all but stopped going to practice, I’ve seen him play his guitar only once. It’s video games, day in and day out. He’ll do chores if I ask, which is rarely, but it takes a day to get them done. Even at Christmas time, when I begged him to decorate a tree with me, the second we were done, literally, he was out of the room, and back to his Xbox.

Right now, we’re reaching issue on the subject of children. We’re not ready yet, but I feel we will be soon. We’re in a good place. But my husband? Wants to own a new car, a new house, etc before we think about it…and by own, I mean own. He thinks we’re going to save up and buy a new house, in full, in cash, up front. He doens’t believe in loans, because his gospel teachings are that if you’re Christian, you deserve money. Also, he thinks we can do this in 5 years. I’ve tried to tell him that this just isn’t feesable, to save up 100,000 or more, up front, in a reasonable ammount of time, plus the money for a car, and THEN think about children…I dont’ think he wants kids. Every time I bring it up, or tell him I’m not pregnant after we thought I might be, the remarks he makes are hurtful.

Even with this, I do still love him. We don’t fight. We can talk about most issues pretty openly…but I simply don’t enjoy his company the way I thought I would. We have dinner together, maybe play a game together, walk the dogs, run errands…but I just don’t like spending so much time with him. and I hate myself for it. I hear people all the time saying your spouse is your best friend, and if they aren’t, there’s something wrong. WEll…my husband isn’t my best friend. There are concerns I know I can’t go to him for, because he doesn’t believe in them, like my emotional worries. Psychology is dangerous, he says. Here, have a Christian book about Happy trees in your brain instead. I like being with him sometimes, and peaceful evenings at home are nice, but I’m happiest when I’m with my family, or my girlfriends, and I feel guilty for that, even though I know he as well relishes his alone time, his guy time; we don’t thrive well on a lot of together time.But I had someone tell me if I peferd the company or time of anyone above my husband, I am in sin, and need to cut them from my life completely…is that true? I don’t dislike my husbands time. I do love him, and want him to be happy…but often, we’re happiest doing our own thing.

You’re still young and with age and experience comes wisdom and maturity.If anything will make you grown-ups,it’s having kids.From what I gather this relationship was not based on religion,but in a strict sense romanticism?

Most times troubles come later on due to the novelty of being head-over-heels for one another being diminished by familiarity.Your husband probably was always this way in different forms in plain sight for you to see,but as they say “love is blind,” and most probably you chose to overlook his faults in spite of what you knew deep down inside might happen in future?I’m just speculating.

What made him change?If he changed at all?

The only advice I can give you is to see a good catholic priest explain your situation;have a heart to heart and pray with earnest fervor to resolve this conundrum before it escalates.

All the best,

JMJ

 

[aicirt]

You thought he was Nazerene but now think he is Evangelical. Were you married in a Catholic Church? Did you go to Pre-Cana?

I’m asking because he needed to present a baptismal certificate. Did he? That would have indicated his religion. Also the priest would have asked him if he was open to children and raising them as Catholics. Did he?

Not wanting kids for five years or never would be a deal breaker for me especially if you were unaware of this at the time of the marriage. Talk to your priest.

 

[aicirt]

So lemme get this straight … you knew him and then married him. And you want us to give you advice.

Oh, and he’s nothing like how you knew him as.

My advice: Obey your husband. Because that’s what you bought in for. You made your bed, lie in it.

Harsh, very harsh and not at all charitable. She’s 21 and he’s 23. I have some questions re. why she did not know his religion as he would have been required to present his baptismal certificate to the priest. It appears he was saying and/or suggesting one thing before marriage and changed his tune after. They’re still honeymooners. This is not good and if he’s not open to children,she probably could get the marriage annulled.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

I am so sorry for your situation. First of all, spending time with folks other than your husband is not a sin - unless you are dating another man! You can certainly enjoy time with your family and girlfriends, but you have to work on some commonality with your husband if you want your marriage to flourish.

You certainly don’t want to find yourself sleeping with a man you hate, or worse, having a family that he doesn’t want to be with or support.

Here are a few questions that come to mind. Don’t feel you have to answer them here - but do think about these things.

What was your pre-cana preparation like? Did any of these issues come up then? Can you talk to the leaders and get advice from them?

Just to be sure - were you married in the Church? Did your priest take care of all your dispensation paperwork?

Even though your husband isn’t attending church, I hope you are still going to Mass every week. Is there a young adult/couples group in your parish or diocese? He might be willing to go to a “Theology on Tap” type event. Strong Catholic friends could help quite a bit.

What is your husband’s job? I hope he has one other than being an aspiring musician! Does he make a good income that you can depend on?

What kinds of things did you do before you were married? Could you get him to commit to a regular “date” time where you pick half the activities and he picks the others? Even if you end up playing video games on his turns, it could still be fun.

Being married and loving your spouse are things you both have to work on. However, it is very hard to do if you don’t even like each other. No,you don’t have to spend all your time together, but you do have to see your spouse as your partner in life and someone you can depend on always.

 

[Darran]

They’re still honeymooners. This is not good and if he’s not open to children,she probably could get the marriage annulled.

It actually makes me shudder when I hear Americans mention annulments.

No. your answer is in prayer. Pray and don’t stop praying. We’ll offer a Rosary for you tonight.

 

[WingsOfEagles]

So lemme get this straight … you knew him and then married him. And you want us to give you advice.

Oh, and he’s nothing like how you knew him as.

My advice: Obey your husband. Because that’s what you bought in for. You made your bed, lie in it.

This is really uncharitable and not even accurate advice if you read the post in entirety.

OP’s husband led her to believe he belonged to the Nazarene faith. Her husband also seems to have become more Evangelical in his opinions than he ever was with her while they were dating. He is also playing video games way too much (this could be a maturity issue due to his age).

My advice would be to express your concerns to him. If things don’t get better, you may have grounds for annulment if he wasn’t upfront about certain things.

 

[phoooiee]

It actually makes me shudder when I hear Americans mention annulments.

No. your answer is in prayer. Pray and don’t stop praying. We’ll offer a Rosary for you tonight.

The purpose of an annullment is to state what is already true- that no valid marriage existed in the first place. We are in no position to judge that for the OP- but it does sound as if it is at least worth considering whether the openness for children requisite to a valid marriage actually exists here.

OP- please talk to your priest about this…on a forum like this it’s not possible to get good, objective advice.

I will be praying for you and for your husband- and pray yourself…the Lord will let you know what to do.

 

[starryheart]

Maybe I’m reading this wrong but is he basically someone else then the man you married?
The first year was so difficult for me and my hubby too. I married at a younger age than you. When I think back I know I wasn’t truly mature enough. Thank God, I have a great husband we worked through it together.Somewhere along God grabbed a hold of me and opened my eyes to the mess I had made.
Try using holy water. Take a gallon of water and ask a priest to bless it. Put it in your and hubby’s coffee or lemonade or drink the water like that. Holy Water is so powerful. Receive the Sacraments, especially Jesus in Holy Communion. He’ll keep you strong. Also talk to a priest. I’ll be praying for you and your husband.

 

[ProdglArchitect]

So lemme get this straight … you knew him and then married him. And you want us to give you advice.

Oh, and he’s nothing like how you knew him as.

My advice: Obey your husband. Because that’s what you bought in for. You made your bed, lie in it.

Umm… I think you’re looking at this in the wrong light. A woman is not subjugated to her husband’s will, especially if that will is in contradiction to the church.

To be perfectly honest, it sounds like this man hid his true nature from you until you were married, which may mean that a valid marriage never happened (For example, I have a sister in law who’s ex husband did a literal reversal the day after their wedding. I mean, a 180 personality change. He went from loving to controlling the way I go from asleep to awake after a bad nightmare)

If, on the other hand, you did just jump into the marriage without getting to know him then it may be that you’re made a bad decision that you’ve going to have to live with.

I have no way of knowing what the true situation is, but I would definitely urge you to talk to a priest.

 

[105lynne]

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I apologize on behalf of the uncharitable folks on here that have answered or will answer. I understand your situation on a personal level in many ways. My suggestions is a heart to heart with him, followed by lots of prayer. St. Monica dealt with a great deal in her marriage, as well as struggling with her son’s wayward ways. Pray to her for patience and strength. I’ve also found the Rosary novena to be extremely powerful! Give it a try. This marriage is just starting out. Do everything you can to make it work. The first years are the hardest!

 

[The_Bucket]

Religious stuff aside (I don’t know much about Nazarene vs. evangelical, sorry) I agree that his attachment to video games is a bit dangerous for the marriage. You’re young people and I get that young men can get into video games in a big way. I certainly was.

Until I met my wife that is. Nevertheless there were times where I ignored her to stare at a computer screen and it really hurt her. But a good solution was to find things to do that don’t include the computer or video games, and something that isn’t chores. Do an exercise regime together. Take up hiking or biking. Do a hobby you both like.

During the dating and courtship period, everyone puts his or her best foot forward. That changes after you’re married and it’s something that needs to be accepted. But it doesn’t mean that you need to live in each of your own little worlds while one plays video games and the other sits and worries! Do some active stuff together!

I’ll pass on addressing the children issue as that’s a really deep issue that needs to be discussed with him and perhaps a priest.

 

[MidnightSun12]

It sounds like he might be withdrawing now that he’s confronted with the responsibilities of married life. If this is the case then all I can offer are prayers…

Surely there must have been signs before you married… Was he enthusiastic about marriage, or was marriage something that you really wanted and he more or less just went along with it?

 

[HisIsTheCrown]

I’m still sort of considered a newly wed (been married almost a year) and I’m feeling completely lost right now. I barely know where to start.

i was 21, he 23 when we married. I thought I was marrying a Nazarene. WE had it all set; we’d go to both our churches together, and raise our children exclusively and only in the Catholic faith. He was totally fine with that. Well, flash forward oh, a week after our marriage, and he stops going to his church. Turns out he isn’t Nazarene; that’s just where he and his family happened to be going. They’re prosperity gospel Evangelics, which I wasn’t aware of. Still…ok. I agree with this doctrine a lot less than I do Nazarene, but oh well. but now he doesn’t attend church at all; he says watching the preachers on TV is just as good.

Well…I also thought I was marrying an artist, with a real passion for music. Nope. Once we were married, he all but stopped going to practice, I’ve seen him play his guitar only once. It’s video games, day in and day out. He’ll do chores if I ask, which is rarely, but it takes a day to get them done. Even at Christmas time, when I begged him to decorate a tree with me, the second we were done, literally, he was out of the room, and back to his Xbox.

Right now, we’re reaching issue on the subject of children. We’re not ready yet, but I feel we will be soon. We’re in a good place. But my husband? Wants to own a new car, a new house, etc before we think about it…and by own, I mean own. He thinks we’re going to save up and buy a new house, in full, in cash, up front. He doens’t believe in loans, because his gospel teachings are that if you’re Christian, you deserve money. Also, he thinks we can do this in 5 years. I’ve tried to tell him that this just isn’t feesable, to save up 100,000 or more, up front, in a reasonable ammount of time, plus the money for a car, and THEN think about children…I dont’ think he wants kids. Every time I bring it up, or tell him I’m not pregnant after we thought I might be, the remarks he makes are hurtful.

Even with this, I do still love him. We don’t fight. We can talk about most issues pretty openly…but I simply don’t enjoy his company the way I thought I would. We have dinner together, maybe play a game together, walk the dogs, run errands…but I just don’t like spending so much time with him. and I hate myself for it. I hear people all the time saying your spouse is your best friend, and if they aren’t, there’s something wrong. WEll…my husband isn’t my best friend. There are concerns I know I can’t go to him for, because he doesn’t believe in them, like my emotional worries. Psychology is dangerous, he says. Here, have a Christian book about Happy trees in your brain instead. I like being with him sometimes, and peaceful evenings at home are nice, but I’m happiest when I’m with my family, or my girlfriends, and I feel guilty for that, even though I know he as well relishes his alone time, his guy time; we don’t thrive well on a lot of together time.But I had someone tell me if I peferd the company or time of anyone above my husband, I am in sin, and need to cut them from my life completely…is that true? I don’t dislike my husbands time. I do love him, and want him to be happy…but often, we’re happiest doing our own thing.

Do you want my opinion? throw it away if it does not please you.
You got cheated.
I have seen this movie times and times. Men, usually men, show one face before marriage and another after. It is very bad. I would be mad at it.
As a doctor friend of mine said: “You dress to go dating and, after marriage, you put your pajamas when you arrive home!”
It seems to me that you married a spoiled and irresponsible man.
Now, you could get an annulment, go each one his own way.
But, if you want, there is room for hope.
As responsibility concerns, you need to treat him as a child (he was treated like that by his mother and was not taught to do things). Let us take the example the example of the Christmas Tree. If you wanted him to do other things, give orders to him. If it takes 1 day to do something, give small orders to him not big ones. For instance, do not say: “clean the kitchen!”. Say: “Put the glasses there! Take the leftovers to the rubbish! Collect the XXX! Pick the YYY!” And so on. give an amount fo time adeuqate to the job. when the time is over, come and criticize.
He must be taught. It takes much time and patience.
You are young, you are a good will person, you can do it !