I feel like a terrible wife

[1inICXC]

I’m still sort of considered a newly wed (been married almost a year) and I’m feeling completely lost right now. I barely know where to start.

i was 21, he 23 when we married. I thought I was marrying a Nazarene. WE had it all set; we’d go to both our churches together, and raise our children exclusively and only in the Catholic faith. He was totally fine with that. Well, flash forward oh, a week after our marriage, and he stops going to his church. Turns out he isn’t Nazarene; that’s just where he and his family happened to be going. They’re prosperity gospel Evangelics, which I wasn’t aware of. Still…ok. I agree with this doctrine a lot less than I do Nazarene, but oh well. but now he doesn’t attend church at all; he says watching the preachers on TV is just as good.

Well…I also thought I was marrying an artist, with a real passion for music. Nope. Once we were married, he all but stopped going to practice, I’ve seen him play his guitar only once. It’s video games, day in and day out. He’ll do chores if I ask, which is rarely, but it takes a day to get them done. Even at Christmas time, when I begged him to decorate a tree with me, the second we were done, literally, he was out of the room, and back to his Xbox.

Right now, we’re reaching issue on the subject of children. We’re not ready yet, but I feel we will be soon. We’re in a good place. But my husband? Wants to own a new car, a new house, etc before we think about it…and by own, I mean own. He thinks we’re going to save up and buy a new house, in full, in cash, up front. He doens’t believe in loans, because his gospel teachings are that if you’re Christian, you deserve money. Also, he thinks we can do this in 5 years. I’ve tried to tell him that this just isn’t feesable, to save up 100,000 or more, up front, in a reasonable ammount of time, plus the money for a car, and THEN think about children…I dont’ think he wants kids. Every time I bring it up, or tell him I’m not pregnant after we thought I might be, the remarks he makes are hurtful.

Even with this, I do still love him. We don’t fight. We can talk about most issues pretty openly…but I simply don’t enjoy his company the way I thought I would. We have dinner together, maybe play a game together, walk the dogs, run errands…but I just don’t like spending so much time with him. and I hate myself for it. I hear people all the time saying your spouse is your best friend, and if they aren’t, there’s something wrong. WEll…my husband isn’t my best friend. There are concerns I know I can’t go to him for, because he doesn’t believe in them, like my emotional worries. Psychology is dangerous, he says. Here, have a Christian book about Happy trees in your brain instead. I like being with him sometimes, and peaceful evenings at home are nice, but I’m happiest when I’m with my family, or my girlfriends, and I feel guilty for that, even though I know he as well relishes his alone time, his guy time; we don’t thrive well on a lot of together time.But I had someone tell me if I peferd the company or time of anyone above my husband, I am in sin, and need to cut them from my life completely…is that true? I don’t dislike my husbands time. I do love him, and want him to be happy…but often, we’re happiest doing our own thing.

Just a question, who got him the xbox and the xbox games?? I’m asking because I see it everywhere, women complaining about their husbands’ gaming addictions and then bragging about the new gaming device or new game they got him for his birthday, at which point you no longer have any ground for complaining really…

Personally, I would chuck the xbox, the tv, the games etc all out of the house and you’ll be amazed how much your relationship will be enriched, Getting rid of our tv (mutual decision of course) got my husband reading - great Catholic books, like never before and we were always discussing, doing things together planning together etc. You don’t, off the bat, have to say they will be gone for good. DH and I decided to try for 6 months initially. But after about 2, the improvement in our lives was so drastic that you could’ve paid us and we wouldn’t have taken it back. 6 years and 3 children later we are still convinced that was one of the best decisions we ever made for our family.

It’s hard to keep the focus on the marriage with so many distractions around.

 

[AB_Juney]

Just a question, who got him the xbox and the xbox games?? I’m asking because I see it everywhere, women complaining about their husbands’ gaming addictions and then bragging about the new gaming device or new game they got him for his birthday, at which point you no longer have any ground for complaining really…

Personally, I would chuck the xbox, the tv, the games etc all out of the house and you’ll be amazed how much your relationship will be enriched, Getting rid of our tv (mutual decision of course) got my husband reading - great Catholic books, like never before and we were always discussing, doing things together planning together etc. You don’t, off the bat, have to say they will be gone for good. DH and I decided to try for 6 months initially. But after about 2, the improvement in our lives was so drastic that you could’ve paid us and we wouldn’t have taken it back. 6 years and 3 children later we are still convinced that was one of the best decisions we ever made for our family.

It’s hard to keep the focus on the marriage with so many distractions around.

I didn’t buy him any of it.

 

[aicirt]

Because I saw no harm in conceding this one aspect to him? It didn’t affect the validity of our marriage, and he made the request. He would have accepted if I insisted on being married in the Catholic church, but I didn’t see why there would be any harm in having the marriage there. besides, I HARDLY find that relevant to the issue at hand.

What has happened has happened. There’s a difference here between us regarding discernment or red flags so to speak. I would have asked you this (why his church) if I had been privy to any pre marriage discussions because I would have seen his wanting his church as a red flag for future problems. And you found problems a year later while still on your honeymoon which is the first couple of years. It is relevant.

The marriage was licit. Was your priest there? How is it licit? Curious.

 

[SpeSalvi]

I married young and went through the same trials of “disillusionment”. I know it’s going to be hard to see it, but there are probably a few things that make him say “Hey, that’s not the girl I married!” as well.
It’s difficult, I know. Believe me, I know.

I’m pretty sure that one of the biggest disappointments of new wives is that the husband has concealed his obsession with videogames until after they’re married. I see it time and time again, and I’ve been there too. My husband finally forced himself to get rid of the gaming consoles and is doing MUCH better, but he can get pretty much any game he wants on the computer as well, so it’s still something we struggle to from time to time. Gaming seems to be like smoking… It’s legal, but highly addictive. One can smoke in moderation, but most people get addicted very, very quickly.

OP, don’t worry. You’ll get through this. If he seems different than he was a year ago, then learn to love the “new” him. The dealbreakers MUST be addressed, but the smaller things just need to be let go. Let go and let God, y’know?

Marriage is a perfect union between two imperfect people. You ARE going to hurt each other and you ARE going to live through disappointments that you never saw coming, but as long as you love God first and then love your husband THROUGH God, you’ll get through it.

I’m pretty sure there were/are days where praying and asking God for the strength to love my husband the way God loves him was the only thing that got me through our marriage. I’m sure there are days like that for my poor hubby too

Edit:

I’m subscribed to a Facebook page called “For Your Marriage”; it has some AMAZING insights. Their website is foryourmarriage.com and I found today’s “Marriage tip of the day” fantastic: foryourmarriage.org/august-17-2012/

It’s an initiative of the USCCB, so it has a great approach to marriage as a sacrament

 

[AB_Juney]

What has happened has happened. There’s a difference here between us regarding discernment or red flags so to speak. I would have asked you this (why his church) if I had been privy to any pre marriage discussions because I would have seen his wanting his church as a red flag for future problems. And you found problems a year later while still on your honeymoon which is the first couple of years. It is relevant.

The marriage was licit. Was your priest there? How is it licit? Curious.

Licit as in, we received a dispensation from the bishop to marry into his church, and mind you, I do not appreciate you prying into bussiness that I do not find relevant for you to be discussing in my thread!

 

[Mrs_Sally]

What has happened has happened. There’s a difference here between us regarding discernment or red flags so to speak. I would have asked you this (why his church) if I had been privy to any pre marriage discussions because I would have seen his wanting his church as a red flag for future problems. And you found problems a year later while still on your honeymoon which is the first couple of years. It is relevant.

The marriage was licit. Was your priest there? How is it licit? Curious.

Once you have a dispensation to marry a non-Catholic, getting married in a church other than a catholic one is not a problem. Even Catholic couples sometimes would prefer to get married in the prettier old church down the street. We have threads about that all the time.

As long as they went through the proper steps to get a dispensation, where they got married really isn’t relevent.

The issue now is her husband’s desire to put off children for several (5+) years and his use of time.

I do suggest the OP speak to her priest. First for her own comfort and second for advice concerning marital counseling.

As for the question of an annulment, that discernment can only come from her priest, but if that does become an issue, better that it comes up earlier rather than later when the whole process will be much more complex and emotionally taxing.

I do think counseling will help quite a bit though. Praying for you OP! :hug1:

 

[AB_Juney]

The thing is, we had agreed that waiting a year or two might be best, especially since I’d never lived away from home before, and we wanted time to adjust. Pre-marriage, his opinion was to “have a nest egg” before actively trying for a child, which I agreed to; you can never be FULLY ready, but I agreed that having a few things in order was for the best. But the idea of owning a home, in full, in cash, plus a car, especially when my husbands ability to save money is…questionable at best? It’s emotionally draining.

 

[aicirt]

Once you have a dispensation to marry a non-Catholic, getting married in a church other than a catholic one is not a problem. Even Catholic couples sometimes would prefer to get married in the prettier old church down the street. We have threads about that all the time.

As long as they went through the proper steps to get a dispensation, where they got married really isn’t relevent.

The issue now is her husband’s desire to put off children for several (5+) years and his use of time.

I do suggest the OP speak to her priest. First for her own comfort and second for advice concerning marital counseling.

As for the question of an annulment, that discernment can only come from her priest, but if that does become an issue, better that it comes up earlier rather than later when the whole process will be much more complex and emotionally taxing.

I do think counseling will help quite a bit though. Praying for you OP! :hug1:

WOW! I’m astonished. What sense does this make? You go to Pre-Cana with the idea of formulating some idea in the non-Catholic’s mind that the Catholic faith is indeed important to the Catholic bride/groom. But then the Catholic can opt for the ceremony to be in a non-Catholic Church and forfit the sacrament or is it now considered a sacrament when performed by a Protestant minister?

Can one get a dispensation to wed in a Buddha, Muslim, Jewish, or Mormon ceremony?

Are you also saying that if both are Catholic and they like the looks of the non-Catholic Church, they can get a dispensation to wed there too?

This, to me, is sending mixed messages to the non-Catholic. The Catholic needs to be committed enough to his/her religion to get married in a Catholic Church by a Catholic priest. Not doing so would tell the non-Catholic that he/she can go through the motions in Pre-Cana but it really isn’t important and other things will fall in line also e.g. when to have kids.

So what exactly is the purpose of Pre-Cana? In this case, the idea of owning a house before even thinking about kids should have been brought out in discussions there or with the priest.

What is discussed in Pre-Cana?

 

[Xantippe]

“But the idea of owning a home, in full, in cash, plus a car, especially when my husbands ability to save money is…questionable at best?”

I think your husband’s goals are very reasonable, and I think you should tell him so and encourage him to realize them, while pointing out that biologically, your time is not unlimited. I’d suggest that you both sign up for Dave Ramsey’s 9-week Financial Peace University to help both of you learn how to make steady progress toward achieving those goals.

daveramsey.com/fpu/preview/

It’s a very good marriage-building experience and I think you’d both get a lot out of it.

 

[AB_Juney]

“But the idea of owning a home, in full, in cash, plus a car, especially when my husbands ability to save money is…questionable at best?”

I think your husband’s goals are very reasonable, and I think you should tell him so and encourage him to realize them, while pointing out that biologically, your time is not unlimited. I’d suggest that you both sign up for Dave Ramsey’s 9-week Financial Peace University to help both of you learn how to make steady progress toward achieving those goals.

daveramsey.com/fpu/preview/

It’s a very good marriage-building experience and I think you’d both get a lot out of it.

No, I do not think, on our salary, that it’s reason able to save up 100,000 dollars in cash to buy a house in full before we start a family, and I abhor Dave Ramsey.

 

[AB_Juney]

WOW! I’m astonished. What sense does this make? You go to Pre-Cana with the idea of formulating some idea in the non-Catholic’s mind that the Catholic faith is indeed important to the Catholic bride/groom. But then the Catholic can opt for the ceremony to be in a non-Catholic Church and forfit the sacrament or is it now considered a sacrament when performed by a Protestant minister?

Can one get a dispensation to wed in a Buddha, Muslim, Jewish, or Mormon ceremony?

Are you also saying that if both are Catholic and they like the looks of the non-Catholic Church, they can get a dispensation to wed there too?

This, to me, is sending mixed messages to the non-Catholic. The Catholic needs to be committed enough to his/her religion to get married in a Catholic Church by a Catholic priest. Not doing so would tell the non-Catholic that he/she can go through the motions in Pre-Cana but it really isn’t important and other things will fall in line also e.g. when to have kids.

So what exactly is the purpose of Pre-Cana? In this case, the idea of owning a house before even thinking about kids should have been brought out in discussions there or with the priest.

What is discussed in Pre-Cana?

Wow, want to get off your high horse already? You act like Protestants are trash filled stink holes or something. Try learning about what the church teaches before you open your mouth again!
I hardly think that the church you get married in if the most iportant aspect of a marriage. How shallow can you get! As though a marriage is somehow lesser if the BISHOP tells you it’s ok to get married in another church.

I’m SICKENED by what you’re insinuating here! OH HONEY, how lovely, you’ve agreed to go to a Catholic priest, get Catholic counseling, go to Catholic NFP meetings, a Catholic engaged restreet, raise our childrento be Catholics, send them to Catholic school; isn’t it a pity that I don’t have ANY respect for YOUR religion, not even enough to concede ONE DAMNED HOUR of married life to your church??

 

[AB_Juney]

And by the way, YES, we DO consider the marriage a sacrament if both Christians are Baptised. Sorry to ruin your idea that Protestants are somehow lowly, heathenish monsters and can actually be holy!

 

[aicirt]

Wow, want to get off your high horse already? You act like Protestants are trash filled stink holes or something. Try learning about what the church teaches before you open your mouth again!
I hardly think that the church you get married in if the most iportant aspect of a marriage. How shallow can you get! As though a marriage is somehow lesser if the BISHOP tells you it’s ok to get married in another church.

I’m SICKENED by what you’re insinuating here! OH HONEY, how lovely, you’ve agreed to go to a Catholic priest, get Catholic counseling, go to Catholic NFP meetings, a Catholic engaged restreet, raise our childrento be Catholics, send them to Catholic school; isn’t it a pity that I don’t have ANY respect for YOUR religion, not even enough to concede ONE DAMNED HOUR of married life to your church??

Why are you on a Catholic site if you don’t have any respect for Catholicism?

 

[AB_Juney]

Why are you on a Catholic site if you don’t have any respect for Catholicism?

how does not thinking Protestantism is the devil equate to not having respect for Catholicism?? I am a devout Catholic, never miss Mass, pray novenas, the rosary, can’t wait to raise my children to know about the Catholic faith. I ALSO have respect for religions that are not mine, which is more than I can seem to say for you!

 

[Xantippe]

“No, I do not think, on our salary, that it’s reason able to save up 100,000 dollars in cash to buy a house in full before we start a family, and I abhor Dave Ramsey.”

I don’t agree with the waiting for baby part for financial reasons, but I think the financial goals themselves are good and a very hopeful sign of maturity and future-orientation in your husband. Your marriage as it stands doesn’t sound like a good place for a baby to turn up (frankly, you both sound pretty immature), but I don’t think there’s anything unreasonable about renting and saving $100k cash for a house. I’m in my mid-late 30s, have been married 14 years, am expecting a third child, and we’re buying a house next year after many years of various rentals. We don’t have $100k set aside for the house, but we’ve got more cash money on hand for the downpayment than I would ever have thought humanly possible. You just keep saving, and eventually you’ll have enough.

A related issue is that home prices are still going down and in most places aren’t going up anytime soon. You can save a lot of money by waiting and saving patiently for a few more years.

Why do you hate Dave Ramsey? He’s helped hundreds of thousands of people with money/relationship problems and the way you describe your situation, you need all the help you can get. Don’t turn away a life raft just because you don’t like the color it’s painted–this could literally save your marriage. (Oh, and by the way, DR doesn’t insist on 100% cash purchase–a 15-year mortgage with a good downpayment is fine.) If your husband is a DR fan, educate yourself on DR’s Baby Steps program and you can use DR in talking to your husband.

daveramsey.com/new/baby-steps/

 

[The_Bucket]

Why are you on a Catholic site if you don’t have any respect for Catholicism?

Reading comprehension. Learn it.

She showed no disrespect by getting married in another physical building other than a Catholic Church. She went way beyond what most people do in inter-religious marriages and got the required dispensation, got her husband on board with NFP and got him to agree to kids being Catholic. That’s a tough road to hoe and she’s done a fine job with it.

Many people have been validly and sacramentally married just fine outside of actual church buildings over the centuries. Chill dude.

AB Juney, while I don’t know why you’d “abhor” Dave Ramsey, I do agree that saving $100,000 to buy a house before kids is ludicrous. Buying a house in cash is borderline impossible. It’s also crazy to need to buy a house in general before kids. We rent, we have two kids and we’re A-OK when it comes to our finances. In fact, I prefer renting over having an asset I have to pay taxes on and then try to sell in a so-so at best market if I move for a new job at some point in the future. Then when you add mortgages to it and the lessons learned from the foreclosure crisis, whoo boy.

Your husband needs to learn that God wants His people to be happy. But that doesn’t mean having material things. In fact, it’s quite the opposite in many cases. Christ indeed said “seek ye first the Kingdom of God and its righteousness, then all these things will be added unto you” but He did not mean temporal wealth. He meant if you are spiritually wealthy then the temporal issues will matter so much less to you. That is how the Lord takes care of His people; He removes their anxiety over temporal concerns if they follow Him.

 

[AB_Juney]

Reading comprehension. Learn it.

She showed no disrespect by getting married in another physical building other than a Catholic Church. She went way beyond what most people do in inter-religious marriages and got the required dispensation, got her husband on board with NFP and got him to agree to kids being Catholic. That’s a tough road to hoe and she’s done a fine job with it.

Many people have been validly and sacramentally married just fine outside of actual church buildings over the centuries. Chill dude.

AB Juney, while I don’t know why you’d “abhor” Dave Ramsey, I do agree that saving $100,000 to buy a house before kids is ludicrous. Buying a house in cash is borderline impossible. It’s also crazy to need to buy a house in general before kids. We rent, we have two kids and we’re A-OK when it comes to our finances. In fact, I prefer renting over having an asset I have to pay taxes on and then try to sell in a so-so at best market if I move for a new job at some point in the future. Then when you add mortgages to it and the lessons learned from the foreclosure crisis, whoo boy.

Your husband needs to learn that God wants His people to be happy. But that doesn’t mean having material things. In fact, it’s quite the opposite in many cases. Christ indeed said “seek ye first the Kingdom of God and its righteousness, then all these things will be added unto you” but He did not mean temporal wealth. He meant if you are spiritually wealthy then the temporal issues will matter so much less to you. That is how the Lord takes care of His people; He removes their anxiety over temporal concerns if they follow Him.

I’ve read one of his books, and my husband listens to his radio show; I just find him grating, and have found some of his financial plans to be a little too one size fits all. But perhaps I haven’t read into him enough.

 

[Xantippe]

“It’s also crazy to need to buy a house in general before kids. We rent, we have two kids and we’re A-OK when it comes to our finances. In fact, I prefer renting over having an asset I have to pay taxes on and then try to sell in a so-so at best market if I move for a new job at some point in the future.”

Agreed. I especially think that it’s very important to preserve your mobility as a young couple, so you can make the most of opportunities as they turn up. On the one hand, it’s easy to regret the rent money going down the drain (I do sometimes), but on the other hand, renting is the price you pay for being able to move anywhere with minimal bother. On the one hand, we’ve rented 14 years. On the other hand, it’s been in 4 different cities. I wouldn’t have wanted to wind up with a house in the first three cities, and it’s taken me a long time to find something I like that we can afford in our current city. (Traditionally, they say you shouldn’t buy a house unless you plan to live there 5 years, and this is the first place we’ve lived that long.) One of the neighborhoods I used to look at has had some homes lose 50% of value since the housing crash. Those started out as $400k homes, too (that was suburban DC, so even the marginal neighborhoods were expensive).

Another problem is that it takes a lot of time to figure out the nuances of different real estate markets. It’s easy to wind up with a house in a neighborhood that’s on the skids and that has iffy schools. It might make sense to wait until your oldest is in kindergarten before making the final decision on a particular neighborhood–a lot of people only learn the awful truth about their neighborhood when their kids start school. It also takes a long time to figure out what you need in a house, and that keeps changing as kids get older and more numerous. There’s actually an argument to be made that if you’re going to have kids, you shouldn’t buy a house until you have kids around to show you what you’re going to need.

 

[aicirt]

Wow, want to get off your high horse already? You act like Protestants are trash filled stink holes or something. Try learning about what the church teaches before you open your mouth again!
I hardly think that the church you get married in if the most iportant aspect of a marriage. How shallow can you get! As though a marriage is somehow lesser if the BISHOP tells you it’s ok to get married in another church.

I’m SICKENED by what you’re insinuating here! OH HONEY, how lovely, you’ve agreed to go to a Catholic priest, get Catholic counseling, go to Catholic NFP meetings, a Catholic engaged restreet, raise our childrento be Catholics, send them to Catholic school; isn’t it a pity that I don’t have ANY respect for YOUR religion, not even enough to concede ONE DAMNED HOUR of married life to your church??

AB JUNEY…when I read the above I did not realize you were the OP and addressed the last line of your last paragraph.

This had nothing to do with looking down on Protestants. My reply was to Miss Sally.

I DID NOT KNOW that a Catholic could get a dispensation to wed in another church. Nor did I know that Catholics could get dispensations to wed in another church because it was more attractive than their Catholic parish church. According to Miss Sally, this has been a topic on other boards here. Apparently, I am not the only Catholic who was astounded by this.

You reached out in an ecumenical spirit to your husband and had the wedding in his church. Your desire is admirable. I wish you both many blessings. And all works out as you hope.

 

[MarkInOregon]

“But the idea of owning a home, in full, in cash, plus a car, especially when my husbands ability to save money is…questionable at best?”

I think your husband’s goals are very reasonable, and I think you should tell him so and encourage him to realize them, while pointing out that biologically, your time is not unlimited. I’d suggest that you both sign up for Dave Ramsey’s 9-week Financial Peace University to help both of you learn how to make steady progress toward achieving those goals.

daveramsey.com/fpu/preview/

It’s a very good marriage-building experience and I think you’d both get a lot out of it.

Wasn’t there something in there about in five years. You find that very reasonable? Given the average salary in the US I am not sure that it is. They still need to eat, pay rent & utilities, taxes and dress. My daughter just graduated from college and was lucky enough to get a job and if she saved 100% of her salary for 5 years – she’d just be able to buy a small average house here–and certainly nothing new–thats if she saved 100% of her gross. It would take her roughly 9 years to buy a house priced at the US average if she saved 100% of her gross. I am not sure thats reasonable. For the cars–yes. For the house I think it is a different story for most people.

Peace,
Mark