I feel like a terrible wife

[Schieffelin]

The speed with which people on this forum will jump to “annulment” and “divorce” makes my head spin.

OP, take a deep breath. Your husband sounds like he’s just immature. Many of us are when we get married. Marriage is meant to help us grow up. It takes a ton of prayer, patience, listening, maybe some professional help to make it work. Please do yourself a favor and make an appointment with a good Catholic counselor and a good holy priest and learn some new ways to cope.

The first years of marriage can be very hard. My hubby and I have been married a few years and I still think we’re in the adjustment phase. Trust me–it will get better if you give it over to God and proactively seek help.

 

[Darran]

The purpose of an annullment is to state what is already true- that no valid marriage existed in the first place. We are in no position to judge that for the OP- but it does sound as if it is at least worth considering whether the openness for children requisite to a valid marriage actually exists here.

I know exactly what it is, and, more importantly, I know how widely abused it is. Don’t dare suggest anyone to separate based on a single forum post on the internet. Should a married couple be separated because of your words you won’t escape judgement for it.

 

[triumphguy]

So lemme get this straight … you knew him and then married him. And you want us to give you advice.

Oh, and he’s nothing like how you knew him as.

My advice: Obey your husband. Because that’s what you bought in for. You made your bed, lie in it.

Nice

 

[mommamaree]

My husband and I married at 19. He never revealed his obsession for football and computer games till AFTER we started sharing a home.
I was disappointed. But I still loved him. He had many faults, but then so did I!
One thing I learned to do was to overcome my lack of interest in those two “passions” of his. While he watched football, we would cuddle and he would explain the ins and outs of the game. I grew to like it, although I still would not choose to watch it myself. While he played video games, I would root for him and laugh and be involved. I couldn’t play myself, because video games give me motion sickness. But I could watch, or work on something or read a book alongside him. He would play for hours and hours of free time.
But those are some of my fondest memories before the babies started coming. He looks back now at his obsessions and feels silly about it. He grew into a far more mature and godly man than I could have imagined!
So do not despair. Just spend time together. Ask him to play some music for you on his guitar. Tell him how happy it makes you that he has musical talent. Watch him play his video games, or even play along if you can. Give him time to adjust to married life and responsibilities. Pray for him. Build him up. Be patient. Love him in ways that make him feel loved. Marriage is an adventure, and your husband is along for the ride with you. Do your best to enjoy every day with him as much as you can. Let go of your expectations. Build a new vision with your husband. Above all, do not despair.

God bless you and your marriage!

 

[akela135]

I’m still sort of considered a newly wed (been married almost a year) and I’m feeling completely lost right now. I barely know where to start.

i was 21, he 23 when we married. I thought I was marrying a Nazarene. WE had it all set; we’d go to both our churches together, and raise our children exclusively and only in the Catholic faith. He was totally fine with that. Well, flash forward oh, a week after our marriage, and he stops going to his church. Turns out he isn’t Nazarene; that’s just where he and his family happened to be going. They’re prosperity gospel Evangelics, which I wasn’t aware of. Still…ok. I agree with this doctrine a lot less than I do Nazarene, but oh well. but now he doesn’t attend church at all; he says watching the preachers on TV is just as good.

Well…I also thought I was marrying an artist, with a real passion for music. Nope. Once we were married, he all but stopped going to practice, I’ve seen him play his guitar only once. It’s video games, day in and day out. He’ll do chores if I ask, which is rarely, but it takes a day to get them done. Even at Christmas time, when I begged him to decorate a tree with me, the second we were done, literally, he was out of the room, and back to his Xbox.

Right now, we’re reaching issue on the subject of children. We’re not ready yet, but I feel we will be soon. We’re in a good place. But my husband? Wants to own a new car, a new house, etc before we think about it…and by own, I mean own. He thinks we’re going to save up and buy a new house, in full, in cash, up front. He doens’t believe in loans, because his gospel teachings are that if you’re Christian, you deserve money. Also, he thinks we can do this in 5 years. I’ve tried to tell him that this just isn’t feesable, to save up 100,000 or more, up front, in a reasonable ammount of time, plus the money for a car, and THEN think about children…I dont’ think he wants kids. Every time I bring it up, or tell him I’m not pregnant after we thought I might be, the remarks he makes are hurtful.

Even with this, I do still love him. We don’t fight. We can talk about most issues pretty openly…but I simply don’t enjoy his company the way I thought I would. We have dinner together, maybe play a game together, walk the dogs, run errands…but I just don’t like spending so much time with him. and I hate myself for it. I hear people all the time saying your spouse is your best friend, and if they aren’t, there’s something wrong. WEll…my husband isn’t my best friend. There are concerns I know I can’t go to him for, because he doesn’t believe in them, like my emotional worries. Psychology is dangerous, he says. Here, have a Christian book about Happy trees in your brain instead. I like being with him sometimes, and peaceful evenings at home are nice, but I’m happiest when I’m with my family, or my girlfriends, and I feel guilty for that, even though I know he as well relishes his alone time, his guy time; we don’t thrive well on a lot of together time.But I had someone tell me if I peferd the company or time of anyone above my husband, I am in sin, and need to cut them from my life completely…is that true? I don’t dislike my husbands time. I do love him, and want him to be happy…but often, we’re happiest doing our own thing.

I’m really sorry you are going through all this OP!

It is hard to think you know someone and then realize you don’t. My DH and I feel like we know each other very well, but every so often I’ll think “Who is this stranger I married? I don’t really know anything about him?” And feel that panic of uncertainty set in, so I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for your spouse to act completely different than before.

I think you both have a lot to talk about. You act like his belief to save up money then buy something flat out is unreasonable. I don’t know your situation, but I sort of agree with him, that loan’s aren’t really all that great. That’s mostly because the finacial stability in my life is never certain, I’m always aware that DH or I could be without a job at any moment. I hate taking on loans or long term bills because I’m always worried about if I’ll be able to keep paying them years in the future. I’d rather go without for years while saving, than borrow into the future.

Children, I don’t view as a long term expense (like some do) because you can adjust what you spend on them. (used clothes as oppsed to designer, etc.) You might sit down and talk about a savings plan for what you both agree would be reasonable for a car, and how long it would take to save up. Explain that if you had a child the money you were saving towards a car or house would only be adjusted a little. It would maybe set you back a year or two on those but you would still be working towards them.

As for playing xbox all the time, perhaps you could set some ground rules for video games. Sit down and talk about how often you both feel chores and home-keeping projects should be done. Perhaps you disagree how often the floor needs vacuuming? (once a week vs. once a month) then talk about how these chores could best be handled as a family.

I guess the last piece of advice I have would be maybe try something new together? I get the feeling that you are drifting apart because niether or you are what you thought the other would be like when married. So have new date nights to rediscover each other. Go back to the old “Where do you want to see our family in 5 years, 10 years?” questions and start a dialouge that way.

Good luck! I’ll be praying for you!

 

[Gorgias]

phoooiee:

The purpose of an annullment is to state what is already true- that no valid marriage existed in the first place. We are in no position to judge that for the OP- but it does sound as if it is at least worth considering whether the openness for children requisite to a valid marriage actually exists here.

I know exactly what it is, and, more importantly, I know how widely abused it is. Don’t dare suggest anyone to separate based on a single forum post on the internet. Should a married couple be separated because of your words you won’t escape judgement for it.

So… where exactly in “we are in no position to judge” do you see phoooiee “suggest(ing) anyone to separate”? Where exactly in “OP- please talk to your priest about this…on a forum like this it’s not possible to get good, objective advice” do you see phoooiee suggesting that they separate?

Take a deep breath, Darran, and relax. Yes, this may just be immaturity. Unfortunately, it may also be a sign of a defect on the wedding day. Recall that marriage enjoys the favor of the law. And, if the OP should determine (with the aid of a good priest) that it appears that there may have been a consideration that brings into question the objective validity of her marriage, then the possibility for convalidation at a later date is at least as valid (and potentially the more appropriate) response to the situation at hand!

 

[Darran]

So… where exactly in “we are in no position to judge” do you see phoooiee “suggest(ing) anyone to separate”? Where exactly in “OP- please talk to your priest about this…on a forum like this it’s not possible to get good, objective advice” do you see phoooiee suggesting that they separate?

Take a deep breath, Darran, and relax. Yes, this may just be immaturity. Unfortunately, it may also be a sign of a defect on the wedding day. Recall that marriage enjoys the favor of the law. And, if the OP should determine (with the aid of a good priest) that it appears that there may have been a consideration that brings into question the objective validity of her marriage, then the possibility for convalidation at a later date is at least as valid (and potentially the more appropriate) response to the situation at hand!

“but it does sound as if it is at least worth considering…”

To even mention it as a consideration is ridiculous Gorgias. It is a last resort, an absolute last resort in a dire and vast minority of situations. I say so broadly to anyone commenting.

To say “Do you want my opinion? throw it away if it does not please you.” is the absolute worst advice possible, and by God, I don’t think on the day of my death I’ll be condemned for not “relaxing” when clearly terrible advice is given to someone who might not be able to detect it. Yes, it would perhaps be good for her to speak to a priest. No, is it even sane for anyone to mention much less recommend annulment over an internet forum.

 

[Musician]

I’d be so furious if this was my husband.
Get help immediately from your priest.

 

[Gertabelle]

So lemme get this straight … you knew him and then married him. And you want us to give you advice.

Oh, and he’s nothing like how you knew him as.

My advice: Obey your husband. Because that’s what you bought in for. You made your bed, lie in it.

Wow. That was harsh.

So you’re both young and you’re both new at this marriage thing. OK, take a deep breath. Now let it out slowly…

First of all, I am not a married woman. I am a divorced woman. So I can say with tremendous honesty that marriage takes some good solid work – and I don’t mean “work” as in sitting down and hashing it out over every little detail that comes up (though there may be times when that’s helpful). I mean the kind of work it takes to grow into a wife and a husband. You’re both still new at this and learning, so be careful not to over-analyze whether you’re doing everything right or wrong.

You do mention some “red flags” in your post. You thought he was a Nazarene and then found out you were wrong? Hmmm, how is that possible? Didn’t you ever go to church with him and his family? Didn’t you ever talk faith and religion with him and his family? Did he lie to you (HUGE red flag)? Or did you just not talk much about faith and religion (REALLY HUGE red flag)?

That’s a concern that the two of you need to address, perhaps sitting down with your priest – not as psychology, but as a spiritual matter that can best be addressed with a minister.

As for the video game thing… You are starting marriage young, so it may be that you didn’t “get” that a young man’s interest in video games can be very, very serious to him. Well, it can. Asking him to do specific chores sounds like a good step in the right direction. You might also ask something specific about the amount of time he spends with the games if it seems it’s interfering with family time. And I LOVE LOVE LOVE what mommamaree said about spending time alongside her husband as they each pursued their own interests. I am happy to let my son play video games for awhile as I get some book-reading or knitting time.

You sound like you are close to your family, and that is awesome. But sometimes newlyweds find it more comfortable to be around their own families because it’s easy and familiar, and all the work has already been done to create that. You need to spend time with your husband creating that for your current and future family. It takes time and maturity to develop ease and familiarity (notice how that word has the same root as “family”).

And please, for the sake of your vows, do not compare yourself to what you see or hear about other people’s marriages. Regardless of veracity, the good in other people’s marriages takes work – work to grow up together (though it won’t always feel like “together”), work to let go of our own expectations (usually the ones we have before marriage are kinda immature, like it’ll just be one long wedding day), work to just BE in the relationship without constantly trying to measure, quantify, evaluate, describe, analyze, label it.

Remember, love is a choice, not a feeling.

Perhaps there’s some volunteer work the two of you could do together? Nothing gets us out of ourselves (and the self/relationship analysis) like thinking about others.

God bless you, dear one. Keep working at it. Try to worry just a little less.

And, oh my goodness, I completely forgot – PRAY! Participate in the sacraments. Pray the Rosary and develop a deep devotion to our Blessed Mother if you haven’t already. Read the lives of a few Saints, or Blesseds (like the parents of St. Therese of Lisieux – can’t remember their names at the moment). Grow in holiness, and invite your husband to share in that growth through prayer, bible reading, whatever he’s comfortable with – but you might not wanna ask when he’s working for the high score on some game… wait until some other time

Gertie

 

[johndelacruz]

I’m so sorry you are going through this first of all, and then sorry the first comment to your obviously sincere opening post was this:

So lemme get this straight … you knew him and then married him. And you want us to give you advice.

Oh, and he’s nothing like how you knew him as.

My advice: Obey your husband. Because that’s what you bought in for. You made your bed, lie in it.

Rainaldo needs to go rain somewhere else - until he/she learns to be a bit more charitable and gentle with people who are hurting.

Anyway, I would advise you both keep communication open and honest between you, and don’t abandon time together. On the other hand, I wouldn’t abandon time with others or alone either, both nourish our humanity. It sounds like you guys get along well enough, and are in the period of adjusting to each other. As for the spiritual/church issue, this is a journey you are both on together now - perhaps in the long run you can influence him. When children come along, there is a greater impulse for unity among parents.

I will be praying -

—john

 

[LSK]

Would he be willing to do something like Retrouville or Marriage Encounter with you?

 

[AB_Juney]

Thank you very much for…most…of your replies. Let me clear a few things up;

We were married in his church, but it was licit. We went through Pre-Cana, and everything seemed fine. One thing I will still say for him, is he has no qualms about my being Catholic, or of raising potential children Catholic. He’s knowledgable about my faith, and even sees a lot of logic in it. He’s very respectful.

His baptismal certificate was from a small community church they attended when he was very little; I believe he said he was 3 when he “got saved”. But they hadn’t gone to that church in years, and seemed very much devoted to the Nazarene church. He was a worship leader, attended the youth groups to help out, even loaned me information, so I could learn about his faith.

I do not want to seek an annullment at this point. It’s wavered at the back of my mind before, during rougher patches, but it’s a last ditch effort, if things absolutely cannot be resolved,such as children.

 

[ejp123]

Seek a marriage counselor if you can get hubby through the door. Be honest with him about your needs and be assertive. As far as kids, don;t have them right now. As a couple you are not sounding like you are ready. To much stuff to work out. Sometimes couples who are having problems have kids thinking that it will make the marriage better. This is a myth. Work your stuff out first.

 

[hurting]

I know exactly what it is, and, more importantly, I know how widely abused it is. Don’t dare suggest anyone to separate based on a single forum post on the internet. Should a married couple be separated because of your words you won’t escape judgement for it.

This! It is chilling to see how putatively Catholic posters almost reflexively suggest separation/divorce/annulment. Thank you also for pointing out that those who materially aid the destruction of a vaild marriage by way of encouraging such behavior gratuitiously will have to answer their maker some day.

Hat tip also to Darran for weighing in.

 

[Bravo_6]

Thank you very much for…most…of your replies. Let me clear a few things up;

We were married in his church, but it was licit. We went through Pre-Cana, and everything seemed fine. One thing I will still say for him, is he has no qualms about my being Catholic, or of raising potential children Catholic. He’s knowledgable about my faith, and even sees a lot of logic in it. He’s very respectful.

His baptismal certificate was from a small community church they attended when he was very little; I believe he said he was 3 when he “got saved”. But they hadn’t gone to that church in years, and seemed very much devoted to the Nazarene church. He was a worship leader, attended the youth groups to help out, even loaned me information, so I could learn about his faith.

I do not want to seek an annullment at this point. It’s wavered at the back of my mind before, during rougher patches, but it’s a last ditch effort, if things absolutely cannot be resolved,such as children.

Best of luck kid!

God bless you.

 

[ManOnFire]

You’re still young and with age and experience comes wisdom and maturity.If anything will make you grown-ups,it’s having kids.From what I gather this relationship was not based on religion,but in a strict sense romanticism?

I agree. Romanticism is the key. He still has a childish side, as most of us men do. He just needs to grow up in a different way. You need to appeal to the little child inside the man. We men need to be convinced that it’s fun to play games with our kids. That way, we still get to be child-like for part of our days, minus too much time on the video games. If we men don’t see the duty, obligation, romanticism, and value in this, we tend to practice “escapism” from being good parents. Unfortunately, I didn’t get it until our third, maybe fourth child, and I know that not everyone will have that many kids. I think we should educate men to this phenomenon. I’ve thought that peer pressuring deadbeat men would be effective to improve results, but politically correct liberals would say it’s too judgmental and that we should hire more social workers to take the place of the deadbeats. Playing wacky, goofy games with the kids really isn’t that bad. Some days, I laugh so hard it at the stuff they invent while playing. And what could be a deeper and more romantic existence than that???

 

[aicirt]

Thank you very much for…most…of your replies. Let me clear a few things up;

We were married in his church, but it was licit. We went through Pre-Cana, and everything seemed fine. One thing I will still say for him, is he has no qualms about my being Catholic, or of raising potential children Catholic. He’s knowledgable about my faith, and even sees a lot of logic in it. He’s very respectful.

His baptismal certificate was from a small community church they attended when he was very little; I believe he said he was 3 when he “got saved”. But they hadn’t gone to that church in years, and seemed very much devoted to the Nazarene church. He was a worship leader, attended the youth groups to help out, even loaned me information, so I could learn about his faith.

I do not want to seek an annullment at this point. It’s wavered at the back of my mind before, during rougher patches, but it’s a last ditch effort, if things absolutely cannot be resolved,such as children.

Why weren’t you married in the Catholic Church? I don’t understand going through a Catholic Pre-Cana, having him seem to accept your Catholicism and, apparently, your children being raised Catholic but not getting married in a Catholic Church. Why as the bride did you consent to his church?

 

[aicirt]

This! It is chilling to see how putatively Catholic posters almost reflexively suggest separation/divorce/annulment. Thank you also for pointing out that those who materially aid the destruction of a vaild marriage by way of encouraging such behavior gratuitiously will have to answer their maker some day.

Hat tip also to Darran for weighing in.

If the Church didn’t know there would be a need for annulments, it wouldn’t have them. ’

There seems to be a misunderstanding re. what is expected in a marriage and that would be children. She apparently thought this would start soon not in the x number of years until they can outright own their own home.

What is chilling to me is the lack of instruction in some of these Pre-Cana conferences.

 

[AB_Juney]

Why weren’t you married in the Catholic Church? I don’t understand going through a Catholic Pre-Cana, having him seem to accept your Catholicism and, apparently, your children being raised Catholic but not getting married in a Catholic Church. Why as the bride did you consent to his church?

Because I saw no harm in conceding this one aspect to him? It didn’t affect the validity of our marriage, and he made the request. He would have accepted if I insisted on being married in the Catholic church, but I didn’t see why there would be any harm in having the marriage there. besides, I HARDLY find that relevant to the issue at hand.

 

[defenderoftruth]

Ok I’m going to jump in here. I don’t think annulment should be thrown out there that quick. IF her priest tells her after a long talk with her and her husband that annulment is a possibility (if he doesn’t want kids period) then that will be through the priest’s conversation with them both.

For the people that said he’s immature…DUH. Really it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to declare the obvious. For those that say “he’ll grow out of it” YOU HAVE NO IDEA if that’s true!! Do not give this woman false hope. She can prayer for God to change his heart but the fact is he has to WANT to change. I know a guy that got laid off/unemployed and he’s 40 stays at home and plays xbox 360 ALL DAY-he’s got it hooked up to his facebook that tells how long he played and when…he’s a total addict of the first person shooter games. (Halo/call of duty) He’s been unemployed for years. After spending years in college (several degrees on different subjects a forever college student basically) This guy MAY grow up but if he likes his boy toys good luck. Especially if he’d rather play games than do stuff with you.

Talk to your priest. Get a “counseling” session or something with him and bring up the child situation, put him on the spot-you’ll regret it if you don’t.

Just my .02 cents…