I feel like my marriage is dead

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bumby

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Sorry for yet another bleak post.

My husband tonight told me if I wanted to have sex just to ask him.

I know when I try he will squirm and tut and I’ll get so uncomfortable I’ll give up. Trouble is, I want him to desire me, not just have sex with me. He feels it is enough to pretend to be interested. I told him “I want you to want me.” And he replied, “I will, just tell me when.” !!!

Is this honestly too much to ask?

I feel as though I am getting close to my limit. I am working on m appearance (need to pose some weight) and if this doesn’t improve then, I may well do something I later regret like ‘M’ or have an affair. This is NOT me! I see the word ‘affair’ and want to laugh! I know marriage is till death do us part but I feel like I am being treated like a joke.

I love my children and don’t want to break up the family unit so I will not divorce him.

I just have had enough.
 
Get counselling first. Don’t go the affair route. My husband did that to me while manic (he’s bipolar) and I’m seriously thinking of separating from him. It’s been over a year and I can’t get past it. It’s so sad since I thought he was my soulmate and he felt the same. You can’t change such dramatic mistakes. Get help!😦
 
Interesting. I haven’t read anything else you’ve posted but I’m guessing there’s some big communication & emotional issues here.

If he thinks you want sex. In his mind sex is the end in and of itself but obviously for you sex is representative of his desire for you. Which I’m guessing you see is an expression of his love for you.

Would it be fair to assume you’re considering self gratification or an affair to fill the void of love/affection?.
  1. Have you tried a marriage counsellor?
  2. Offer the suffering and heartache up to the Lord and fill the void with God.
I’ll keep you in my prayers
 
Right on the nose, Slotty.

I am looking into counselling. I have suffered this for years and feel like it is getting too much. I feel like I’m going to burst with anger and frustration.

He sees it as my problem, not his.
 
My husband and I were together 40 years, and two years ago he passed away from pancreatic cancer. There were times in our marriage when one or the other of us felt as you do, believe me, having an affair is no answer. It makes you feel guilty and ultimately can hurt your relationship. I was very lucky, my husband, God love him, chose to try with me to make it work. I think when you feel at your lowest God sends Angels to help you through, but you have to help God help you. The best thing we ever did was start praying together at night before we went to sleep. We would cuddle and pray for us and our boys, for our future and for healing. Slowly things started changing, and it started with little things, a note from me in his lunch telling him I love him or a little bud vase with a rose from him. Funny thing is when we were first married we did those things and as life moved on they got forgotten more and more. Try little things to let him know you love him, even if you don’t think you do, love is not a feeling it is a decision, you have to decide you love him enough to at least try. Don’t try for sex, try for laughter, and fun. Sex will come when you both fall back in love with each other, but you are going to have to figure out what little things you need to do to bring emotional intamacy back into your relationship.
 
speedian said:
My husband and I were together 40 years, and two years ago he passed away from pancreatic cancer. There were times in our marriage when one or the other of us felt as you do, believe me, having an affair is no answer. It makes you feel guilty and ultimately can hurt your relationship. I was very lucky, my husband, God love him, chose to try with me to make it work. I think when you feel at your lowest God sends Angels to help you through, but you have to help God help you. The best thing we ever did was start praying together at night before we went to sleep. We would cuddle and pray for us and our boys, for our future and for healing. Slowly things started changing, and it started with little things, a note from me in his lunch telling him I love him or a little bud vase with a rose from him. Funny thing is when we were first married we did those things and as life moved on they got forgotten more and more. Try little things to let him know you love him, even if you don’t think you do, love is not a feeling it is a decision, you have to decide you love him enough to at least try. Don’t try for sex, try for laughter, and fun. Sex will come when you both fall back in love with each other, but you are going to have to figure out what little things you need to do to bring emotional intamacy back into your relationship.
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This is awesome, awesome advice.

I will also take this opportunity to put in a plug for Retrouvaille. It is a ministry of the cAtholic church, but all are welcome. My husband and I just completed the post sessions following our weekend. Everything is not sunshine and roses at this point, but we have some tools to work on our relationship, to work on rebuilding trust, and building intimacy. Well worth a try!
 
ED supplements may help. I have not tried these but as a male it seems a good avenue to explore. I have to say on the male side, I have had the opposite problem. I suspect my “side” is more of the norm. I do beg, plead, do not tempt extra-marital activity. There are too many diseases out there that will cause a lot of problems later on. I hear stories like this all the time when talking with people I know in the workplace.
 
bumby said:
Sorry for yet another bleak post.

My husband tonight told me if I wanted to have sex just to ask him.

I know when I try he will squirm and tut and I’ll get so uncomfortable I’ll give up. Trouble is, I want him to desire me, not just have sex with me. He feels it is enough to pretend to be interested. I told him “I want you to want me.” And he replied, “I will, just tell me when.” !!!

Is this honestly too much to ask?

I feel as though I am getting close to my limit. I am working on m appearance (need to pose some weight) and if this doesn’t improve then, I may well do something I later regret like ‘M’ or have an affair. This is NOT me! I see the word ‘affair’ and want to laugh! I know marriage is till death do us part but I feel like I am being treated like a joke.

I love my children and don’t want to break up the family unit so I will not divorce him.

I just have had enough.
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Well, saying your marriage is dead is a pretty strong statement. What are the issues outside of the bedroom? Is there abuse? Is he a bad father to your children? Is he irresponsible with the family’s resources - running you into bankruptcy? If HE unfaithful?

Sorry to sound harsh but if this was a** man **saying that his wife was great but she just didn’t satisfy him in the sack, we would be jumping all over him for being shallow.

Yes, sex is important. But it is not the be-all-end-all of a marriage.
 
I think I’d first carefully examine what I need to do to make the marriage more joyful and loving. Maybe there is a lot I can do to become a more loving and delightful wife.
How much my issue, how much his?
Certainly, marriage can be very lonely, and maybe most of us have times when marriage relationship seems boring, unrewarding, stressful, imprisoning, and so on.
That’s how I think, anyway.
Okay, he’s not doing well but what are all the levels on which I’m not doing well, that I am boring or don’t consider him either in various ways. Maybe I can faithfully work to improve my responses…etc etc.
I can’t change him but I can change me to be my best me in every way I can.
In that way, with time, I can perhaps influence him to become his best self.

Is there anything at all potentially helpful in these thoughts?
 
Perhaps that title was harsh. He is a good father, excellent in fact. He has a tendency to be lazy around the house and will only do any housework if I ask repeatedly. He cuddles me and aside from the lack of intimacy we are happy.

We don’t pray together so I will definitely take on that advice and try to be a better person myself. He found out I spoke to a friend about our problem - not in detail - and was furious because I was making him out to be a terrible husband. I wasn’t gossiping - my friend is Catholic and a psychologist. Also a childhood friend. Anyway, I think we are friends again but I am not happy with the distinct lack of intimacy.

I feel like he is robbing me of my marital right and causing me to sin.

I don’t know what I can do to be a better wife. I keep the house clean, I’m a good mother to our children and I cook his meals and wash his clothes and work full time, too. I am not accusatory when it comes to discussing our problem.

What else can I do?
 
Corki said:
Well, saying your marriage is dead is a pretty strong statement. What are the issues outside of the bedroom? Is there abuse? Is he a bad father to your children? Is he irresponsible with the family’s resources - running you into bankruptcy? If HE unfaithful?

Sorry to sound harsh but if this was a** man **saying that his wife was great but she just didn’t satisfy him in the sack, we would be jumping all over him for being shallow.

Yes, sex is important. But it is not the be-all-end-all of a marriage.
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If I could cut off my sex drive I would. I don’t want to feel this way! I don’t think it is shallow to want sex and it is a very very important part of marriage. So important in fact that if you can’t have sex you can’t get married in the Catholic Church!

I refuse to agree that it is a “happy extra” in a marriage.

In answer to your question as far as I know he hasn’t been unfaithful and he doesn’t send us into bankruptcy though our finances are dreadful at the moment.
 
Corki said:
Well, saying your marriage is dead is a pretty strong statement. What are the issues outside of the bedroom? Is there abuse? Is he a bad father to your children? Is he irresponsible with the family’s resources - running you into bankruptcy? If HE unfaithful?

Sorry to sound harsh but if this was a** man **saying that his wife was great but she just didn’t satisfy him in the sack, we would be jumping all over him for being shallow.

Yes, sex is important. But it is not the be-all-end-all of a marriage.
Click to expand...
This is very true. Sex is only part of a marriage and if everything else is as good as you describe, excellent father, cuddles, etc. than perhaps pray for continence. Do what you can to entice him, but if he treats marital relations like the chores, only if you nag him, well it isn’t ideal but if you read these forums a lot, you will see that it could be a lot worse.

I would add that you should guard your reading material carefully. Women’s passions are most easily aroused through what they read and unfortunately this very topic has been in the media a lot due to a certain trashy book. Even some of these forum topics may be adding to your burden.

Depression, stress at work, a normal low drive, there are many innocent causes of a lack of interest. There are also less innocent ones- porn, affairs, etc. if you have ruled out the latter, then this is the way it is. If a husband was on here wanting to cheat because his wife had an illness that prevented or diminished relations, everyone would give him the same advice. I understand the feelings of rejection, but it may not be about you at all.

Does he enjoy it after you have “nagged” him? If so I would keep nagging.
 
Eleanor61 said:
This is very true. Sex is only part of a marriage and if everything else is as good as you describe, excellent father, cuddles, etc. than perhaps pray for continence. Do what you can to entice him, but if he treats marital relations like the chores, only if you nag him, well it isn’t ideal but if you read these forums a lot, you will see that it could be a lot worse.

I would add that you should guard your reading material carefully. Women’s passions are most easily aroused through what they read and unfortunately this very topic has been in the media a lot due to a certain trashy book. Even some of these forum topics may be adding to your burden.

Depression, stress at work, a normal low drive, there are many innocent causes of a lack of interest. There are also less innocent ones- porn, affairs, etc. if you have ruled out the latter, then this is the way it is. If a husband was on here wanting to cheat because his wife had an illness that prevented or diminished relations, everyone would give him the same advice. I understand the feelings of rejection, but it may not be about you at all.

Does he enjoy it after you have “nagged” him? If so I would keep nagging.
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Don’t worry, I don’t read dodgy books/magazines. Or even women’s magazines.

I have never gone through with it after asking him because I don’t want to have sex with him if he isn’t willing. It makes me feel uneasy.
 
By the way, thank you everybody for adding your stories and opinions, I really appreciate it.
 
I agree that this is a situation that requires counselling. I think it is especially important that the husband seek counselling and also medical examination–it’s unusual for a young man to not be interested in sex.

But here’s another suggestion, and I hope you will at least consider it.

You ask “what more can you do to be a good wife?” It would be good for you to seek out a female mentor, an older woman who is godly and has a strong marriage that has lasted for many years. Perhaps your priest can help you find such a woman. Ask her to help you make your marriage stronger–this is very Biblical. In the letter to Titus, you will find that St. Paul declares that older women are to teach the younger women how to be good wives.

The older woman will get to know you, and will discover your strengths and weaknesses, and hopefully will help you with your weaknesses.

As for being overweight (you say could lose a few pounds)–this really shouldn’t be an issue unless you are morbidly obese and unable to move about. Glamour Magazine just published a survey of young men in which the men had to choose between a “curvacious” painting of Venus, and the same painting that had been air-brushed to make Venus look slimmer. The men were not told that the painting had been airbrushed, and the two paintings looked almost exactly alike, except for the slight roundness and plumpness of the original painting.

Overwhelmingly, the men chose the more plump Venus.

What makes a woman attractive to men is her self-confidence in her own body. That’s what you need to work on, although it’s not a bad thing to lose a few pounds as long as you do it healthily.
 
bumby said:
Don’t worry, I don’t read dodgy books/magazines. Or even women’s magazines.

I have never gone through with it after asking him because I don’t want to have sex with him if he isn’t willing. It makes me feel uneasy.
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I think that you are making a mistake not going though with it. How he responds would tell you a lot. You are only punishing yourself. I have been married a very long time and for most of those years I had a lot more interest than my husband. Now, with menopause looming, that is no longer the case. I wish I had been more aggressive years ago and so does he, now, but in the beginning I got the feeling that he was threatened if I instigated, so I backed way off. We both missed out. Also, it definitely seems like the more often you make love, the more often you make love. If it has been a long time we both get all weird and awkward and don’t want to. We often have to go away for a weekend to break the ice.

I did not mean to imply that you were reading anything inappropriate, only that there is so much of it around, hard to avoid.
 
I think it’s a good idea I seek out some advice. I could ask my grandma but she is a bit too close, perhaps. She is an amazing woman. I have gone so far as to instigate but not have proper sex, iykwim. I see him cringing (I kid you not) and give up. Perhaps he is gay. I have asked him before and he said no.
 
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