I feel like my marriage is dead

[bunnykisses88]

hmm I think I would kiss him more often. we kiss at least once a day when hubby leaves for work. every so often I kiss him as I walk by.
did he kiss you back or just say goodnight?
to not give a kiss back is very odd to me… since I’ve never experienced that unless he’s upset at me for something.

 

[Tony2255]

I can relate to your husband and your situation. Maybe my experiences will give you another possible reason for your husbands behavior.

Briefly, my wife and I have been married for 19 years. We met in High School and she was pregnant by 17. I joined the Marine Corps upon graduation and we had two kids back to back for a total of three. She practically raised them on her own. Needless to say life wasn’t a cake walk. We had to work for our marriage.

I injured my back 7 years ago and was laid up for a couple years. This forced us to switch roles. It KILLED me psychologically. I was used to working two jobs and long hours to put food on the table. Now I couldn’t get out of bed. As a husband I felt utterly and completely worthless. I withdrew into a deep depression and she was a zombie from work.

We argued and fought. Sex was non existent due to my injury making things even more tense. But we pushed through it. We accepted that it was only temporary and things would get better. We just had to have faith in God’s plan. My injury healed and things began to get better, briefly.

With the world economy as it is, we have to work even harder to make ends meet. Even worse we are now trying to put a child through college and two more through High School. We are barely scraping by. This is where I find myself in your husbands position.

My wife works during the day and cleans. I work during the evenings and mornings, then run errands all day. I sleep roughly 3 to 4 hours a day. My mind is racing and worrying about everything I have to do and the bills I have to pa. It feels as though my mind never shuts off. When we have an hour or two of free time, all I can think of is sleeping or zoning out in front of the television. She wants to cuddle and be intimate. As much as I want I can’t muster it. Not physically but emotionally. My anxiety and stress overwhelms the feelings of intimacy and I end up feeling like the worst husband in the world because I can’t even tend to my wife’s needs. It’s a viscous circle.

Here’s the thing, my wife is beautiful and I feel blessed to have such a wonderful woman by my side. But it’s hard to convince someone when the actions aren’t there. She says she understands and it’s just this point in our life. But I know it’s still difficult for her.

As rough as it is, divorce is never an option. Our love and trust in God and each other assures that. We just have to find creative ways to overcome the obstacles. I respond best when she gets me to relax. For me that means rubbing my back. It eases the anxiety and gets me to stop worrying obsessively.

For her, I make sure that at least a couple times a week I make time, no matter how brief, to focus completely on her personal needs. Be it a long kiss, some cuddling, or more. There are still times where we go a period without intimacy. But we don’t find ourselves drifting apart and things are far less tense.

Maybe you can find that one thing that relaxes your husband then try approaching with sex or at least get him relaxed enough to talk. It’s always easier to resort to separation or divorce when things get tough. So to would it have been easy for Christ to flee the Garden of Gethsemane when he saw his enemies approaching.

**1 Peter 4:13 But rejoice in so far as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. **

1 Corinthians 1:5-7 For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken; for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.

 

[donpete]

Usually people suggest counseling when you are having marital problems. I know that can be expensive and both parties may not be willing to be involved with it. Sometimes it’s difficult to open up to a stranger about your problems. I happen to know a very good site that can allow you to do everything on your own terms. If you go to

bestsavemymarriagetodayreview.com

you will find many options to get that counseling or those suggestions on your own terms. Hope it helps you with your situation.

Cheers.

 

[bumby]

I can relate to your husband and your situation. Maybe my experiences will give you another possible reason for your husbands behavior.

Briefly, my wife and I have been married for 19 years. We met in High School and she was pregnant by 17. I joined the Marine Corps upon graduation and we had two kids back to back for a total of three. She practically raised them on her own. Needless to say life wasn’t a cake walk. We had to work for our marriage.

I injured my back 7 years ago and was laid up for a couple years. This forced us to switch roles. It KILLED me psychologically. I was used to working two jobs and long hours to put food on the table. Now I couldn’t get out of bed. As a husband I felt utterly and completely worthless. I withdrew into a deep depression and she was a zombie from work.

We argued and fought. Sex was non existent due to my injury making things even more tense. But we pushed through it. We accepted that it was only temporary and things would get better. We just had to have faith in God’s plan. My injury healed and things began to get better, briefly.

With the world economy as it is, we have to work even harder to make ends meet. Even worse we are now trying to put a child through college and two more through High School. We are barely scraping by. This is where I find myself in your husbands position.

My wife works during the day and cleans. I work during the evenings and mornings, then run errands all day. I sleep roughly 3 to 4 hours a day. My mind is racing and worrying about everything I have to do and the bills I have to pa. It feels as though my mind never shuts off. When we have an hour or two of free time, all I can think of is sleeping or zoning out in front of the television. She wants to cuddle and be intimate. As much as I want I can’t muster it. Not physically but emotionally. My anxiety and stress overwhelms the feelings of intimacy and I end up feeling like the worst husband in the world because I can’t even tend to my wife’s needs. It’s a viscous circle.

Here’s the thing, my wife is beautiful and I feel blessed to have such a wonderful woman by my side. But it’s hard to convince someone when the actions aren’t there. She says she understands and it’s just this point in our life. But I know it’s still difficult for her.

As rough as it is, divorce is never an option. Our love and trust in God and each other assures that. We just have to find creative ways to overcome the obstacles. I respond best when she gets me to relax. For me that means rubbing my back. It eases the anxiety and gets me to stop worrying obsessively.

For her, I make sure that at least a couple times a week I make time, no matter how brief, to focus completely on her personal needs. Be it a long kiss, some cuddling, or more. There are still times where we go a period without intimacy. But we don’t find ourselves drifting apart and things are far less tense.

Maybe you can find that one thing that relaxes your husband then try approaching with sex or at least get him relaxed enough to talk. It’s always easier to resort to separation or divorce when things get tough. So to would it have been easy for Christ to flee the Garden of Gethsemane when he saw his enemies approaching.

1 Peter 4:13 But rejoice in so far as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.

1 Corinthians 1:5-7 For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken; for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.

Thank you for this reply.

Your story is inspiring and you and your wife should be so proud of one another.

When you mentioned Jesus not running away, this really hit a chord with me. It made me weep. You are totally right. Life isn’t easy, and I suppose that goes for marriage too.

I feel hurt when he doesn’t do chores I ask him to do and I think he feels all I care about is what he can do for me sometimes. I feel as though I run the house and work full time single handedly and hate pestering him to help - it’s demeaning!

I’ll try to be more patient. I have arranged counselling but have yet to get DH to 100% commit to it. I hope he will. I do love him and because of this I will do whatever it takes. I hope it’s enough to save our marriage after just four years.

I feel ashamed of myself for wanting to leave sometimes. My parents have been wed for almost 30 years and have had a very difficult life. I would ask them for help but don’t want to talk to them about sex. I know that isn’t a problem my parents had - we are a very big family!

Thank you all. Will keep you posted.

I am going to read

 

[Eleanor61]

Does he really mind the pestering, or do you just think he does? I am asking because as women we have a fear of nagging, and usually would not need to be asked more than once, if at all, to do something because our brains are more global. We see the needs, see the dust, see the laundry, see the milk is low, and all of this at once. Men are generally more focused in their thinking, and are able to ignore everything.

I have had this conversation with my husband many times. I do not like to ask for help, certainly not more than once, and he can’t read my mind and forgets easily. He would really prefer that I “nag”. I think it shows a lack of sensitivity. I have a progressive disability, and he will have to take on a lot more in the future. It is a continual battle, but most of it is in my head because he really means it when he tells me to nag him.

If you were to make a list of your issues, making sure that sex isn’t the first or only item! as it sounds like there are other failures to communicate, would he be at all receptive or at least capable of such a discussion? If he is affectionate and cuddly, then hopefully he cares enough about you to address more of your needs, especially if the focus isn’t narrowed to just such a sensitive one as sex.

All the best, and bless you for trying so hard. Time for him to make more of a contribution to your marriage. Stroke his ego a little and let him know that you need him to step up. And then don’t expect things to be done as you would do them. Generalizing again here, men tend to do a less than perfect job. Praise his efforts anyway. I have been married more than 30 years with four sons. I know what a house cleaned by boys and men looks like.

 

[fpt]

Sorry for yet another bleak post.

My husband tonight told me if I wanted to have sex just to ask him.

I know when I try he will squirm and tut and I’ll get so uncomfortable I’ll give up. Trouble is, I want him to desire me, not just have sex with me. He feels it is enough to pretend to be interested. I told him “I want you to want me.” And he replied, “I will, just tell me when.” !!!

Is this honestly too much to ask?

I feel as though I am getting close to my limit. I am working on m appearance (need to pose some weight) and if this doesn’t improve then, I may well do something I later regret like ‘M’ or have an affair. This is NOT me! I see the word ‘affair’ and want to laugh! I know marriage is till death do us part but I feel like I am being treated like a joke.

I love my children and don’t want to break up the family unit so I will not divorce him.

I just have had enough.

Your moral obligation is to try to keep your husband, in the human fashion and in the respect of moral natural law. You need to search solutions (psychological, affective, mental, moral, spiritual, physical, physiological and sexual).

He has to need to try, in his side. That is his moral obligation toward you, to search a solution for desiring you. It is his job, his duty, his obligation because the day of vows of marriage, he said yes.

The mutual and reciprocal will to improve love, the spiritual love and the sexual love.

Be very lovable, very erotic for him, sexy, hot only for him.

 

[Tony2255]

Wondering out loud. But, would you contemplate leaving him if he were paralyzed from the waste down? Because those suffering from traumatic psychological disorders can lose function of their limbs, speech, sight, etc. If he has a less severe mental afflication it could have other adverse side affects. Though the injury isn’t as visible, it is no less severe. As a result he would need to seek treatment. But asking for help is not one of man’s strengths. Especially for medical reasons.

 

[THEYEHOVAH]

There is an interesting phenomenon in Scripture that can be observed: 3-in-1. Right? GOD is Three in One. We kinda get “three-strikes-you’re-out” from that. You get ONE more chance–well, make THREE-COUNT-AS-ONE; inspired by our heavenly Father.

This is not going where you think–BECAUSE GOD GIVES US EVEN ANOTHER CHANCE: yes, I know most people talk about FORGIVING SEVENTY TIMES SEVEN!

I am going for AMOS–the book of AMOS THE PROPHET! AMOS tells us God over and over gives not only 3 but 4! "For three sins of the Israelites, and for four!..[He will smite them and the various nations he mentions, all having “three sins…and for four!” He has given them an EXTRA chance!]

This is still not going where–you think!

I am talking VACUUM.

VACUUM? (not vacuum-cleaning0

Do not use of your four opportunities all four–in any situation–AND SO CREATE A VACUUM. IF, for instance, you tend to invite sexual intimacy in the “fullness” of your personality–STOP! IF, for instance, you tend to OFFER things or invitations or help or such–STOP! You will–not be using the “4” of your personality! You will still be whole! Three-in-one IS WHOLE. STOPPING SHORT OF FOUR IS STILL THREE: gosh, if I could make THIS CLEAR!!!

You might feel it unnatural or–Less Than to sTop short of what you fully express. But think of IT this way: God is WHOLE at–THREE. THREE CHANCES is whole. God GIVES FOUR–and THAT is WHOLE. A WHOLE CHANCE. YOU be WHOLE LIKE GOD and STOP SHORT ONE STEP–the final step! So WITHHOLD “your final say”–your invitation, your invite, your offer… THIS WILL CREATE A VACUUM WITHOUT ACTUALLY CUTTING INTO YOUR WHOLENESS! Your husband WILL STEP–IN. YOU WILL ‘SEE’…

If you are–complete in yourself then there is not much he can do to contribute, and Everyone WANTS TO CONTRIBUTE… OTHERWISE THEY–ARE JUST A SLAVE TO YOU DOING YOUR BIDDING, WHICH IS WHAT HE SOUNDS LIKE HE FEELS LIKE. TRY THIS–YOU ARE ACTUALLY GIVING…OPPORTUNITY; YOU ARE ROBBING HIM OF IT NOW!!<3+

 

[bumby]

There is an interesting phenomenon in Scripture that can be observed: 3-in-1. Right? GOD is Three in One. We kinda get “three-strikes-you’re-out” from that. You get ONE more chance–well, make THREE-COUNT-AS-ONE; inspired by our heavenly Father.

This is not going where you think–BECAUSE GOD GIVES US EVEN ANOTHER CHANCE: yes, I know most people talk about FORGIVING SEVENTY TIMES SEVEN!

I am going for AMOS–the book of AMOS THE PROPHET! AMOS tells us God over and over gives not only 3 but 4! "For three sins of the Israelites, and for four!..[He will smite them and the various nations he mentions, all having “three sins…and for four!” He has given them an EXTRA chance!]

This is still not going where–you think!

I am talking VACUUM.

VACUUM? (not vacuum-cleaning0

Do not use of your four opportunities all four–in any situation–AND SO CREATE A VACUUM. IF, for instance, you tend to invite sexual intimacy in the “fullness” of your personality–STOP! IF, for instance, you tend to OFFER things or invitations or help or such–STOP! You will–not be using the “4” of your personality! You will still be whole! Three-in-one IS WHOLE. STOPPING SHORT OF FOUR IS STILL THREE: gosh, if I could make THIS CLEAR!!!

You might feel it unnatural or–Less Than to sTop short of what you fully express. But think of IT this way: God is WHOLE at–THREE. THREE CHANCES is whole. God GIVES FOUR–and THAT is WHOLE. A WHOLE CHANCE. YOU be WHOLE LIKE GOD and STOP SHORT ONE STEP–the final step! So WITHHOLD “your final say”–your invitation, your invite, your offer… THIS WILL CREATE A VACUUM WITHOUT ACTUALLY CUTTING INTO YOUR WHOLENESS! Your husband WILL STEP–IN. YOU WILL ‘SEE’…

If you are–complete in yourself then there is not much he can do to contribute, and Everyone WANTS TO CONTRIBUTE… OTHERWISE THEY–ARE JUST A SLAVE TO YOU DOING YOUR BIDDING, WHICH IS WHAT HE SOUNDS LIKE HE FEELS LIKE. TRY THIS–YOU ARE ACTUALLY GIVING…OPPORTUNITY; YOU ARE ROBBING HIM OF IT NOW!!<3+

I’m really sorry but I have not understood any of this…

 

[bumby]

Wondering out loud. But, would you contemplate leaving him if he were paralyzed from the waste down? Because those suffering from traumatic psychological disorders can lose function of their limbs, speech, sight, etc. If he has a less severe mental afflication it could have other adverse side affects. Though the injury isn’t as visible, it is no less severe. As a result he would need to seek treatment. But asking for help is not one of man’s strengths. Especially for medical reasons.

No I wouldn’t leave him if he became paralysed. I couldn’t even if I had the choice - I would still be married in God’s eyes. I think the worst thing is he doesn’t desire me. Perhaps I can try to change my appearance but I don’t know if it will work.

We are getting on better this last week and even were intimate a few days ago, for the first time in months and months. I felt so happy the next day, it was bizzare how carefree it made me feel to remember being wanted in that moment.

 

[kelvinf]

No I wouldn’t leave him if he became paralysed. I couldn’t even if I had the choice - I would still be married in God’s eyes. I think the worst thing is he doesn’t desire me. Perhaps I can try to change my appearance but I don’t know if it will work.

We are getting on better this last week and even were intimate a few days ago, for the first time in months and months. I felt so happy the next day, it was bizzare how carefree it made me feel to remember being wanted in that moment.

Have you changed significantly in appearance over the past 4 years?

What’s the status of the counselling?

 

[Oh_Charlotte]

I’m really sorry but I have not understood any of this…

Neither could I.

 

[wendy_w]

I understand how you feel this has been a problem in my own marriage. The feeling of being unwanted, unloved by your husband are devasting. In our case after many years my Husband admitted to me that he was a sex addict. So he was having sex alot just not with me. Not to be negative I would do some checking into his internet use, cell phone etc. You need to be able to protect yourself if your husband has a secert life that you don’t know anything about. I will be praying for you and your family. It is pretty common for sex addicts not to be able to be intimate with their spouses. I would have never believed this was a problem in my marriage but it is.

 

[savedOneByFaith]

Can I offer a recommendation? It’s not necessarily a Catholic book, but it is written from a Christian perspective. I just finished the book “The 5 Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman. I highly recommend it, as it could be that your husband has an empty “love tank,” and you haven’t been communicating love to him in a way that he understands. It’s a quick read, and I would recommend picking it up from your library, or purchasing it from a ministry store like FamilyLife’s store ( shop.familylife.com/p-1533-the-5-love-languages.aspx ). It’s funny how reading this book, the lights came on for me how I have not been effectively communicating my love to my soon-to-be wife… Can’t hurt if you can check it out from the library.

 

[THEYEHOVAH]

I’m really sorry but I have not understood any of this…

So much for ‘waxing philosophic’!! Thanks for Response. God can help.

Have you received the baptism of the Holy Spirit? God Himself is really the best Resource…

God will teach you himself, in that case…

???

Not all the believers in the Bible understood about the Baptism of the Holy Spirit (before or after water baptism)… It is when God through Jesus Sends the Holy Spirit onto you as a special Gift and when People Speak in tongues and suchlike…and begin walking Like ABRAHAM with God personally as a foretaste of being with God–called the Promise; or the infilling. That is what you need to get direct–Teaching from GOD CONSCIOUSLY…

Have you? <3+TY

 

[THEYEHOVAH]

Can I offer a recommendation? It’s not necessarily a Catholic book, but it is written from a Christian perspective. I just finished the book “The 5 Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman. I highly recommend it, as it could be that your husband has an empty “love tank,” and you haven’t been communicating love to him in a way that he understands. It’s a quick read, and I would recommend picking it up from your library, or purchasing it from a ministry store like FamilyLife’s store ( shop.familylife.com/p-1533-the-5-love-languages.aspx ). It’s funny how reading this book, the lights came on for me how I have not been effectively communicating my love to my soon-to-be wife… Can’t hurt if you can check it out from the library.

I Recommend This <3+

 

[Crash220]

Bumby,

I know exactly how you feel, MY marriage is dead. There has been ZERO sex for three plus years, no hugging, no kissing, no hand holding NOTHING. I made a promise to GOD, my wife and myself. So I am living in complete misery. We have been “married” for 13+ years for the last 10 or so our sex starting dropping off, I though once a week was bad, then it went to once every other week, then once a month, well you get the picture. We have two kids, I hate the thought of them growing up in a “broken” home, but is our home not “broken” now?

Every time we tried counseling, it would start off, kind of “ok” but it would quickly turn into my wife sitting there not participating, and just a waste of everyone’s time. I continue to go, but not my wife.

I am at a complete loss, do I walk out on my family, to try to make MY life better? I cannot afford two house payments, so I am basically stuck. I find myself loving my wife less as time goes by, and that KILLS me, I love my wife, I don’t want to leave, but I am dieing internally. I think many of my health problems are because the only happiness in my life in my kids. My job is terrible, my marriage is terrible, I am at a complete loss.

Crash

 

[bumby]

Have you changed significantly in appearance over the past 4 years?

What’s the status of the counselling?

No, not really. Aside from I’ve had two children!

And I still breastfeed them both.

Counselling hasn’t happened yet, was scheduled for this week but DH’s shifts were changed last minute. God willing it will go ahead this week. DH rolls his eyes when I mention it but I think he does actually understand we need it.

 

[bumby]

So much for ‘waxing philosophic’!! Thanks for Response. God can help.

Have you received the baptism of the Holy Spirit? God Himself is really the best Resource…

God will teach you himself, in that case…

???

Not all the believers in the Bible understood about the Baptism of the Holy Spirit (before or after water baptism)… It is when God through Jesus Sends the Holy Spirit onto you as a special Gift and when People Speak in tongues and suchlike…and begin walking Like ABRAHAM with God personally as a foretaste of being with God–called the Promise; or the infilling. That is what you need to get direct–Teaching from GOD CONSCIOUSLY…

Have you? <3+TY

I’ve been confirmed if that is what you mean?

 

[bumby]

Bumby,

I know exactly how you feel, MY marriage is dead. There has been ZERO sex for three plus years, no hugging, no kissing, no hand holding NOTHING. I made a promise to GOD, my wife and myself. So I am living in complete misery. We have been “married” for 13+ years for the last 10 or so our sex starting dropping off, I though once a week was bad, then it went to once every other week, then once a month, well you get the picture. We have two kids, I hate the thought of them growing up in a “broken” home, but is our home not “broken” now?

Every time we tried counseling, it would start off, kind of “ok” but it would quickly turn into my wife sitting there not participating, and just a waste of everyone’s time. I continue to go, but not my wife.

I am at a complete loss, do I walk out on my family, to try to make MY life better? I cannot afford two house payments, so I am basically stuck. I find myself loving my wife less as time goes by, and that KILLS me, I love my wife, I don’t want to leave, but I am dieing internally. I think many of my health problems are because the only happiness in my life in my kids. My job is terrible, my marriage is terrible, I am at a complete loss.

Crash

Without risk of upsetting you more, why do you not hold hands anymore? Did you or your wife stop doing that? Do you know why she doesn’t give you affection?

Does she know you want to leave?