I have a hard time respecting my husabnd

[LSK]

marcsababa:

Thank you for everyone who responded.

I know it is difficult to see the situation in its fullness from a brief paragraph so people were giving advice based on their own extrapolations of the info I gave.

Perhaps not surprisingly the most helpful were the people who gave me the truth and it did hurt, but thank you I know the Holy Spirit was at work here.

I have spoken to my husband about all of this and he and I are together in wanting to work things out.

He understands my fear of losing him if things got into a bad pattern and I would have to separate from him to keep me from a hospital and him from jail.

I especially thank the poster who pointed out that my worrying about him not acheiving his full income potential is rude and just like him berating me (he does not do this) for not being a perfect housewife or have a perfect figure.

There were many other points I will probably print out and review with my program of life daily.

I thank you men for speaking out for one of you. I want to change and treat him better. I will do it with the help of God.

It has been my experience that oftentimes violence occurs within a relationship because neither person knows how to talk to each other. CupofKindness has urged counselling for you, and you have indicated that you have a priest that is willing to speak to both of you about this situation in your family. That is the place to start.
That being said, many women stay in dangerous situations for the very reasons you stated - how will I survive financially? emotionally? spiritually? I don’t know what area you live in, and/or what laws govern that area; however, it would behoove you to check into what resources are available to both you and your children if the situation becomes one in which you or the children are in danger.
Families can be reunified, but no one can come back to a family if they are dead. Remember, any female children you have are learning that a man who gets angry and hits a female is justified in doing so if he says he is sorry and she admits to being a nag. And any male children you have are being taught that if they are angered by someone they love, it is ok to sock them one because after all, they probably started it by being disrespectful. This is not raising good Catholic Children, and whoever ends us with these kids as future mates will end up with real trouble on their hands.
My prayers are with you.

 

[buffalo]

Della:

I fully agree with those who have said that physical abuse is not acceptable. And yes, it does escalate as time goes by unless the abuser gets help and does what he has to do to change.

It sounds like he has some deep-seated issue(s) that have little to do with how you talk to him. He probably sees everything said to him as confirmation that he is a loser or stupid or whatever it is that is making him miserable, because, believe me deep inside he is miserable and needs real help.

As for worrying about how it might affect your kids, you are behind the curve. It has already affected your kids. They have eyes and ears and can see for themselves that something is very wrong between their parents and with their dad. You ALL need counseling, not just you and your husband.

Get help and get it now, for all of you. You have my prayers.

First off a disclaimer - I do not support or justify physical abuse by either husband or wife.

A wife can abuse with words a man and hurt just as deeply as a husband that is violent hurts his wife. Try and see what exaclty ignites this rage that manifests itself in abuse. Avoid pushing that button. Many times women push the button to get a reaction, any reaction.

 

[Mercy_Alvarenga]

marcsababa,

I thank God you started this thread because I’ve been too timid to do it myself. I struggle with a very similar issue in my marriage. Maybe we can be of help to each other.

As cupofkindness states, perhaps your husband is clinically depressed. Are you familiar with the symptoms of depression? Here is a list, if not: nimh.nih.gov/publicat/depression.cfm#ptdep3

If he is depressed, something as simple as making an appointment with a priest may be nearly impossible for him to do. How would he react if you were to make the appointment for him and then tell him what time it is or even offer to drive him there? I was surprised to find that my own husband was grateful for the help (although he had a hard time showing it).

Are you completely certain you nag him? Abusive spouses can be “crazy making”, meaning he might exaggerate or invent things you’ve supposedly done and conveniently ignore or “forget” ways that he has mistreated you. You should certainly do your best to be a loving wife, but you must realize you cannot MAKE someone hit you or yell at you. These are inappropriate responses, even if you nag more than any wife in the whole world. Mentioning your opinion calmly and kindly, trying to initiate a discussion, or reminding your husband of something he promised to do are not nagging actions. They are honest attempts at real conversation and should not be met with shouting, insults, or violence.

For example, if you say “Honey, I’m really worried about finances this month. Could we talk about this?” and he shouts, “You’re always nagging me! Are you trying to make me angry?!” his response is totally illogical and you are in no way responsible for his behavior. Even if you were to nag for real and say “Sheesh! You’re so lazy! We never have any money because of your laziness and I’ve told you this a million times!” you don’t MAKE him hit you. You’re responsible for your own sins and failings, but you don’t create his. Healthy, holy people have healthy, holy reactions to the shortcomings of others.

I never nagged my husband but I know that if I’d been at another point in my life (with less self-esteem), I might have believed him when he told me that I “made” him yell, insult, kick and hit me. Honestly, when he was at his worst I found that my -good- actions angered him most, not my real mistakes or sins. I never knew when he was going to blow up at me.

It may very well be that your disrespect/nagging really exists and that it makes matters much more difficult for your husband. Or it might be invented by him or blown entirely out of proportion. I don’t know because I’m not there, but please try to evaluate it well. Don’t cover up or downplay your husband’s actions to your spiritual director or any other confidant you may have. Whether the nagging is non-existant or very awful, I really think your husband’s anger is a completely separate issue. The fact that he has not apologized for his violent outbursts is very troubling. If the yelling and violence were really knee-jerk reactions to enduring your supposedly constant harping, he would have felt horrible for what he’d done and tried to comfort you.

(continued below)

 

[Mercy_Alvarenga]

You asked for advice from other women who have had difficulty respecting their husbands and have managed to become better at it. My marriage is still very young, but I have a little experience to share. Here are some things that have been working for me:

-Standing up for myself. It’s okay to call a spade a spade. Say “Don’t yell at me.” “Don’t say bad words to me.” “I don’t deserve for you to do x to me.”

-Defending myself (or reassuring him) matter-of-factly and refusing to entertain any allegations that I did a good or morally neutral action for evil purposes. i.e. “I didn’t mean to insult you when I told you I am worried about our financial situation. I brought it up because I need help figuring out a solution. That was not wrong of me.” (the end)

-Not playing his game. Never insult or yell back. This is not only for protecting yourself, but respecting his dignity as a child of God. Even if he does awful things, he is not a “jerk”-- he is a complete human being.

-Keeping up my prayer life. Always pray in the morning and evening and as many times throughout the day as it occurs to you. If you see an argument or temptation coming, pray before speaking. If my eyes are focused on the Lord, my husband is also encouraged to look at Him. Whether he decides to follow Him or not is his decision, over which I have no control.

-Making verbal note of the good he does or has done.

-Not buying into his version of reality when he is angry. I trust in God and in my own perceptions, which I know to be healthier than those of my husband. Do consider you might be wrong about something, but do not question your perception of reality or your memories of bad things that your husband has said or done.

-Not ignoring my own hurt feelings just to maintain the peace. False peace is worthless. I state outright my feelings and don’t try to make my husband guess what I feel or why I feel it. I don’t do him any favors if I sweep the consequences of his actions under a rug.

-Refusing to compare my husband with other men.

-Reminding my husband several times daily of what I enjoy and prize about him. If your husband is depressed, he needs constant reassurance while waiting for or going through treatment.

Remember that you respect your husband because he is a human being, not because he does nice things or has heroic virtues or good looks or is a “go-getter” who makes good money. You love and respect him simply because the fact that he is human makes him worthy of that.

Respect doesn’t mean “I obey you even if you tell me to do bad things” or “I let you walk all over me because you enjoy it” or “I pretend I’m content to be treated spitefully”. It’s more like “I’m going to let go of my pride–no matter how difficult that is–and let God work through me to touch your life.”

But do be careful!!! If you don’t feel safe, maybe you’re not. Don’t try to be a hero and fix things all by yourself. I think when people say abuse escalates without intervention, it means that violent behavior gets worse in a situation in which the stressors remain the same. Basically, if he regards “nagging” as something meriting a punch in the arm, he’s not going to get over that sick idea all by himself. More likely, next time he’ll think it’s worth a punch in the face. If you try new strategies and they work, then hurray! But if your husband persists in denying your perception of the world (that he’s wrong to hit, yell or otherwise abuse you), he might need a third party (preferably a professional) to give him a reality check and tell him that there’s no excuse for punching his wife. And you might need a third party to help you evaluate whether your own behavior is right or wrong and whether your strategies are on-track.

Let’s pray for each other!

Does anybody have any more tips for being respectful and loving of a spouse who is in (or awaiting) treatment for mean/abusive behavior?

 

[marcsababa]

I don’t think that my husband is at a point where I have to ask him to leave.

I agree with the posters who have said that I should change and that he should also make efforts to seek council.

I think that putting him out of the house would be disruptive to our marriage and family life. I will ask him to ask our priest if he thinks he should leave. But there is not a constant battle in the house.

The following statement is NOT helpful and gives no peace: If he touches you anger even once he should be out if the house.

The problems that asking him to leave the house would cause would put unneccessary pressure on a situation that is not out of hand. We pray the rosary together as a couple. We pray evening prayers with our children. We go to mass. We are commited to our marriage. We actually do love each other.

I find myself getting angry at the suggestion that he should be put out of the house. I think it is just a cliche thing to say. It does not apply to all situations that involve physical abuse. How about my verbal abuse? Sould I be put out of the house for that? Now that sounds wonderful. If everyone got put out f their home for any type of abuse then nobody would be in a family.

Again I thank everyone for their constructive points.

 

[buffalo]

Mercy Alvarenga:

-Refusing to compare my husband with other men.

This is a big one. If you make comparisons to a friends husband who makes more money, has a bigger house, has more things it will absolutely kill your husband. He will feel totally disrespected. He will feel worthless and hopeless.

One has to ask - do I want a loving husband who protects and works hard for his family or do I want status and material things to compare? If you want love you have to support and encourage him. He will respond.

 

[Della]

buffalo:

First off a disclaimer - I do not support or justify physical abuse by either husband or wife.

A wife can abuse with words a man and hurt just as deeply as a husband that is violent hurts his wife. Try and see what exaclty ignites this rage that manifests itself in abuse. Avoid pushing that button. Many times women push the button to get a reaction, any reaction.

But this doesn’t apply to an abuser because he underlying anger has not been dealt with. No matter what a wife might say, no healthy man hits in answer. He scowls and ignores her or tells her she’s wrong or he defends his actions, etc., but he doesn’t become violent. Any man who becomes violent has a deep-seated problem that no amount of kind words/actions can assuage–not that he ought to be goaded or egged on, either, which is not only the wrong thing to do in such a situation but is uncharitable, as well as unwise.

Truly, all that will happen if this man doesn’t get help is he will get more and more violent and everyone else in the family will be walking on eggshells hoping nothing they say or do will set him off. No one, not even the worst nag in the world should have to live with that kind of fear hanging over her head and the heads of their children. This family needs help and they need it now before things get out of hand and someone ends up in the hospital or a grave with the husband and father in jail.

 

[buffalo]

Della:

But this doesn’t apply to an abuser because he underlying anger has not been dealt with. No matter what a wife might say, no healthy man hits in answer. He scowls and ignores her or tells her she’s wrong or he defends his actions, etc., but he doesn’t become violent. Any man who becomes violent has a deep-seated problem that no amount of kind words/actions can assuage–not that he ought to be goaded or egged on, either, which is not only the wrong thing to do in such a situation but is uncharitable, as well as unwise.

I don’t agree. Expressing anger is not always a deep seated or medical issue.

 

[sparkle]

Baffalo: How could you “not agree” that “no healthy man hits in anger”? For any man that would hit his wife in anger is truly a louse, an unhealthy, sick man, and one that needs severe help. This fact will not be disputed anywhere you look. A man of this low character is sick, IMO, and needs help. He is a no-good idiot, and I feel so sorry for any woman who is married to such a man, such a total loser, and idiot. For I feel this type of man, has such severe problems, that need to be addressed; I feel a woman who stays with such a man as this, and does not address these issues, demanding he get help has no self-esteem. Sad. Women, if you are in this situation, demand your H get help immediately. God is the restorer, he is the one, who can make all things new again. There is always hope, even for such severe circumstances as these. Know this.

 

[Della]

buffalo:

I don’t agree. Expressing anger is not always a deep seated or medical issue.

But, I didn’t say “expressing anger” is a deep-seated or medical issue, but rather that violence is such an indication, such as hitting, pushing, shaking, grabbing, etc.–violence. Not just yelling every now and then or fuming or even acting like a baby, but violence.

 

[buffalo]

sparkle:

Baffalo: How could you “not agree” that “no healthy man hits in anger”? For any man that would hit his wife in anger is truly a louse, an unhealthy, sick man, and one that needs severe help. This fact will not be disputed anywhere you look. A man of this low character is sick, IMO, and needs help.

I guess because I am not politically correct.

If a man makes a mistake and strikes his wife one time and never again, I would not lable him unhealthy. A mistake is not automatically unhealthy. It is a mistake.

If a woman knowingly provokes his violence, I would not necessarily label it unhealthy and just blame it all on the man. (I do not excuse it) Woman do this all the time. This is their form of abuse. It is unhealthy for a women to provoke a mans weakness. It could include anger, alcoholism, drugs and other things.

I would submit that no healthy woman never nags, demeans or disrespects her husband.

 

[sparkle]

Della:

But, I didn’t say “expressing anger” is a deep-seated or medical issue, but rather that violence is such an indication, such as hitting, pushing, shaking, grabbing, etc.–violence. Not just yelling every now and then or fuming or even acting like a baby, but violence.

Exactly Della. Thank you for the much needed clarification.

God Bless All Reading this Fine Post.

 

[buffalo]

Della:

But, I didn’t say “expressing anger” is a deep-seated or medical issue, but rather that violence is such an indication, such as hitting, pushing, shaking, grabbing, etc.–violence. Not just yelling every now and then or fuming or even acting like a baby, but violence.

Expressing anger can come in many forms including but not limited to violence. Verbal abuse can be even more hurtful than physical abuse.

 

[sparkle]

buffaloIf a woman unwillingly provokes his violence:

OK so you think if a woman causes it, then it’s understandable?

WOW! I could not see my father, a Pastor, no matter what my mother EVER said or did, lowering himself to the position of an ant and EVER hitting my mother, regardless of what she said or did. Even if she was being completely wrong. Why? Because he is a man of character, a God-fearing man. And his character would not ever resort to this, no matter how mad he was. What are some settling for in this day and age? Certainly not God-fearing men. Birds of a feather flock together the old addage says. How true, even in 2006.

 

[Karin]

Let us not forget that the door swings both ways…there are woman out there that ABUSE (verbal and physical) their husbands. Woman are not the only victims!

 

[buffalo]

sparkle:

OK so you think if a woman causes it, then it’s understandable?

WOW! I could not see my father, a Pastor, no matter what my mother EVER said or did, lowering himself to the position of an ant and EVER hitting my mother, regardless of what she said or did. Even if she was being completely wrong. Why? Because he is a man of character, a God-fearing man. And his character would not ever resort to this, no matter how mad he was. What are some settling for in this day and age? Certainly not God-fearing men. Birds of a feather flock together the old addage says. How true, even in 2006.

I don’t know how many times I have to say it- I DON’T EXCUSE IT.

Your father is an example of what a man should aspire to. However, men have their weaknesses too. They respond to stimulus in different ways than women. For example - they react physiologically to button pushing much like they are fighting or threatened. It takes much control to overcome this reaction.

My advice - don’t push the button. And most wives can tell you exactly what will set their husband off.

And is it understandable? Yes in the context that if you understand something you can avoid it.

I believe you oversimplify the dynamics that cause this.

 

[buffalo]

sparkle:

Because he is a man of character, a God-fearing man. And his character would not ever resort to this, no matter how mad he was. .

It is good to understand that character traits can be developed or inherited.

Development is just that - a process.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

marcsababa:

The problems that asking him to leave the house would cause would put unneccessary pressure on a situation that is not out of hand. We pray the rosary together as a couple. We pray evening prayers with our children. We go to mass. We are commited to our marriage. We actually do love each other.

I find myself getting angry at the suggestion that he should be put out of the house. I think it is just a cliche thing to say. It does not apply to all situations that involve physical abuse. How about my verbal abuse? Sould I be put out of the house for that? Now that sounds wonderful. If everyone got put out f their home for any type of abuse then nobody would be in a family.

Maybe if you two were to have a policy that certain actions were intolerable and that you would agree to leave for an amount of time if you were to ever do them, you’d think twice before you let the venom fly.

I can tell you that there are marriages of fifty years that, with an agreement like that, would never have spent a night apart out of anger. Absolute intolerance of violence is a reasonable and attainable goal, at least for adults.

I have lived in a house like that all of my life. I have seen many houses that are not like that, even in front of me, an outsider. The question I always ask myself is “How can anyone live like that?” If you ever leave that kind of behavior behind, you’ll never want to go back.

As for praying the rosary together and so on, those are excellent habits, but do remember Jesus’ admonition not to approach the altar without having first letting go of anger and making peace. His language is not tolerant of abuse of any kind. If you reflect on it together, you might see your treatment of each other in a different light. (Matt. 5:21-26)

 

[JGheen]

Sounds like most people have already weighted in, but I’ll just echo this one important sentiment: There is nothing a person can do to justify violence. If you choose to work on your marriage - I will pray that God blesses you and gives you grace to deal with your particular burden. However, you must know that it is not even possible for you to “cause” your husband to hit you. There is nothing you could do to justify violence. “Keeping his temper” is the sole responsiblity of your husband.

If you do stay in the marriage, I urge you to officially report all physical confrontations with your husband to the police. Your husband must be accountable for his actions, but beyond that, it is wise for you to establish an official record of his behavior. This will be invaluable if you ever decide to seek an annulment, civil divorce, order of protection or (God forbid) the police need to investigate your death.

 

[buffalo]

JGheen:

Sounds like most people have already weighted in, but I’ll just echo this one important sentiment: There is nothing a person can do to justify violence. If you choose to work on your marriage - I will pray that God blesses you and gives you grace to deal with your particular burden. However, you must know that it is not even possible for you to “cause” your husband to hit you. There is nothing you could do to justify violence. “Keeping his temper” is the sole responsiblity of your husband.

It may not be possible to “cause” violence but one can provoke it.

Now the husband has a few choices. If a wife starts her rant he will resort to silence. Silence is not acceptable to a women because she wants dialogue. She will escalate the scenario until the husband responds. He usually responds with raqe and somethimes violence. Not good.

Never throw water on a grease fire.