My husband was what would be considered abusive the first three or so years of our marriage. Verbally mostly, but there was once that he pushed me into a wall, and another that he grabbed my arm so hard he left bruises, another time he called me a whore and actually yanked the refrigerator from the wall and I though he was going to throw it on me. Yes he is very strong, and yes I have a long memory.
Looking back, I see how horrid I was too. I am not excusing his behavior, nor saying that I CAUSED it. But I did CONTRIBUTE to it. Nagging … trying to force dialogue … refusing to let things “drop”, even when he begged me.
One time I threw ice cold water on his head when he had to get up early for work the next day, because he went to sleep to avoid discussing something with me. That is abusive too.
Anyway’s here is what worked for us. I had a ZERO tolerance for abuse AND a 100% commitment to our marriage. I realized how much my behavior “contibuted” to his actions, and that if I wanted him to change, I needed to help him … by changing myself. I kept my high standards for him, but focused instead on how am I helping or hindering him in acheiving his potential, and am I acheiving my own? There was one point of seperation at my request that lasted three months. This seperation was NEVER intended as anything but something to HELP, not end our marriage.
To be honest (from your posts) it sounds like you have the BASIS for a good marriage, now it is time to work out the kinks and get there … however the Holy Spirit inspires you two to do that. Keep praying!!
God will most probably not erase your problems, but He has promised to see you through them unto VICTORY.
I am still not sure exactly when my husband changed from a hostile angry man to the gentle loving husband and father, I now have. Nor when I changed from the shrieking, nagging, hysterical wife to the woman he refers to as “his best friend in the world.” But here are some practical solutions that helped me to be a better wife.
My husband and I have wonderful communication, but this has been something that has come from time and effort. Looking back, my husband was incapable of communicating then, the way he does now. I helped him by giving him a lot of space … leaving out a lot of emotional hysterics.
If there was something I really wanted him to HEAR, I would write it in a letter. (BTW, do not have him read it with you around, that defeats the purpose.) Then I would stick it in his lunch box, or leave it on his dashboard. When he read it, his defenses were down, because I wasn’t there, he had no choice but to HEAR. This worked VERY VERY well … but keep the letters loving and truthful … do not use them as weapons, and do not overuse.
In fact they worked so well, that even though it has been years since I have written one, they are STILL effective. In fact, if I try to talk with my husband about something and he shows any of his old unwillingness (communication blockers), I just say calmly and lovingly , “well hon, I’m not going to keep frustrating myself trying to get you to listen, so I’ll just write you a letter.”
He ALWAYS responds, “No … No letter … I’ll listen.” And he does.
I worked hard on my own spiritual life. I offered up sacrifices for my husband, said a daily rosary for us and did a novena to St. Joseph for over six months!! I learned to ask for help from God, than to not interrupt Him with my big mouth. I learned how to love even when it seemd I was not being loved very well in return. I learned to love for God instead of for myself. It was not easy, and sometimes it seemed we were going backwards. But somehow through all of our stumbling, our marriage grew and prospered and I cannot believe the marriage I am blessed with right now.
Thank you, Jesus.
)
