I have a hard time respecting my husabnd

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buffalo:
I submit there is a difference between battered women and men, and a spouse who has made a mistake.
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I thought the mistake you were talking about involved hitting a woman. Sounds like you just want to argue.
 
snoopy Sounds like you just want to argue. [/QUOTE said:
Not really - there are nuances to the wording. I just want to be clear. This subject is more complicated than some think.

In addition there are a great many good and solid marriages that had traveled this rocky road.
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Here are some statistics worth reviewing:

AGE Batterers and victims may experience domestic violence at any age.
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                  women ages 19-29 reported more violence by intimates than any                    other age group. 
            Bureau of Justice Statistics Special                    Report: Violence Against Women: Estimates from the Redesigned                    Survey (NCJ-154348), August 1995, p. 4.
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                  women aged 46 or older are least likely to be battered by an                    intimate. 
            Bureau of Justice Statistics Special                    Report: Violence Against Women: Estimates from the Redesigned                    Survey (NCJ-154348), August 1995, p. 4.
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                  in a 1990 restraining order study, the age of abusers ranged                    from 17 - 70. two-thirds of the abusers were between the ages                    24 and 40.
            Buzawa & Buzawa ed., Do Arrests and                    Restraining Orders Work? (1996), p.195.
I believe some of this has to do with immaturity, early marriage issues that can be resolved.
 
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snoopy:
I thought the mistake you were talking about involved hitting a woman. Sounds like you just want to argue.
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Being the person who started this thread I would like to say, that I would rather work things out and rely on the sacrament of marriage than rely on the law of this country and the teachings of fools who condemn a man for hitting his wife in the shoulder yet, just to name one example, condone a man who sexually abuses another. Homosexual sexual activity is abusive, it detroys the anus, it degrades the person and his everlasting soul.

Again I find no solace in blanket statements that suggest I get out of the relationship quickly as soon as I am hit. What do I do with my children? What about my husband? What about for better of for worse? Yes I agree that the findings of the sociologists and social workers are important that violent tendencies tend to increase if left unchecked and not treated. But the eagerness with which social workers want to separate couples and children from families is exagerated.

I think of St. Monica who told her friends who were smacked by their husbands (such behavious was sadly condoned then) that their tongues were responsible for their bruises.

I am not allowing my husband to “get away” with this. I have told him I am concerned that I will loose him if he ends up in jail. But we have come to a better understanding through staying together than what would have happened had I called the police.
 
I am not sure if I was clear about my problem with Snoopy equating the law of the land with true natural law or the law of God.

A better example of the law of this land failing us is abortion. Killing a child is not a crime, yet Snoopy you say that because hitting your wife is a crime that the perpetrator should be prosecuted to the full extent of the law?

I have received excellent advice on how to deal with my situation. None of what I considered excellent advice included reporting my husband to the police, leaving him and destroying any chance of building a better relationship.

I did ask for the (name removed by moderator)ut of men because I am sure they can think of times when they were tempted strongly to smack their wives. I find men are more often wise than women. Women are often very emotional about things.

One of the most heart wrenching stories I have ever read is about the publisher of Sophia Institute Press. He was so mad at his wife one night that he started to strangle her. She said to him that he should go ahead and send himself to hell. Well, he did not kill her. He changed with the help of God and had about four or five years of a great relationship with her before she ended up dying of cancer. I bawled when I read that story of redemption and suffering. A much better story than if the wife had called the police that night.

I recommend it highly: sophiainstitute.com/susan_p01.htm
 
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marcsababa:
Being the person who started this thread I would like to say, that I would rather work things out and rely on the sacrament of marriage than rely on the law of this country and the teachings of fools who condemn a man for hitting his wife in the shoulder yet…

Again I find no solace in blanket statements that suggest I get out of the relationship quickly as soon as I am hit. What do I do with my children? What about my husband? **What about for better of for worse? **Yes I agree that the findings of the sociologists and social workers are important that violent tendencies tend to increase if left unchecked and not treated. But the eagerness with which social workers want to separate couples and children from families is exagerated.
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I am not allowing my husband to “get away” with this. I have told him I am concerned that I will loose him if he ends up in jail. But we have come to a better understanding through staying together than what would have happened had I called the police.
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You make good points. Yet surely you are not implying that only fools would suggest that the treatment you have received is in any way tolerable or part of the “better or worse” you uttered in your marriage vows. Children are better served when abuse is not tolerated… and that does not mean ending the marriage. That means refusing to let violence contaminate the peace that God intended for Christian marriage. Consider the following, from the USCCB:
(usccb.org/laity/help.shtml)
As pastors of the Catholic Church in the United States, we state as clearly and strongly as we can that violence against women, inside or outside the home, is never justified. Violence in any form"—physical, sexual, psychological, or verbal"—is sinful; often, it is a crime as well. We have called for a moral revolution to replace a culture of violence. We acknowledge that violence has many forms, many causes, and many victims—men as well as women.2

The Catholic Church teaches that violence against another person in any form fails to treat that person as someone worthy of love. Instead, it treats the person as an object to be used. When violence occurs within a sacramental marriage, the abused spouse may question, “How do these violent acts relate to my promise to take my spouse for better or for worse?” The person being assaulted needs to know that acting to end the abuse does not violate the marriage promises. While violence can be directed towards men, it tends to harm women and children more.

In 1992 we spoke out against domestic violence. We called on the Christian community to work vigorously against it. Since then, many dioceses, parishes, and organizations have made domestic violence a priority issue. We commend and encourage these efforts.

In this update of our 1992 statement, we again express our desire to offer the Church’s resources to both the women who are abused and the men who abuse. Both groups need Jesus’ strength and healing.3

We focus here on violence against women, since 85 percent of the victims of reported cases of non-lethal domestic violence are women.4 Women’s greatest risk of violence comes from intimate partners—a current or former husband or boyfriend.5

Violence against women in the home has serious repercussions for children. Over 50 percent of men who abuse their wives also beat their children.6 Children who grow up in violent homes are more likely to develop alcohol and drug addictions and to become abusers themselves.7 The stage is set for a cycle of violence that may continue from generation to generation."
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Again, in advising that you take strong measures to ensure that your husband never hits you again, I do not mean to say that a divorce is inevitable or desirable. I mean to say that a marriage that tolerates violence is no marriage at all. Marital violence is, in fact, an act of infidelity, as it reduces your spouse to an object, rather than a child of God. That you are sometimes unfaithful hardly makes your husband’s actions less unfaithful in themselves.

I think we are all encouraging you to disavow all violence in your home, verbal and physical, once and for all. I hope that you and your husband are reconciled and that this is put behind you. But as with infidelity of the sexual sort, it is not a problem that can be ignored or minimized in any way.

And by the way, none of us have perfect marriages or lack some sin in our lives. Many of us suffer from lukewarmness and ingratitude, for instance, transgressions that are also deadly to marriages. We fear for you and want better for you, that is all. As you fight this battle against the excesses in your passions, please offer your struggles up in reparation for the lack in ours.
 
BLB OregonI think you need to see that Marcsababa is not “tolerating” her husbands behavior:
I am not allowing my husband to “get away” with this.
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That’s a good thing. It’s just her way of dealing with it that may be arguable. I think she is approaching this with an extremely level head, and with great rationality.

If no violence is tolerated in a marriage, does that mean my wife can leave me because I get pissed at a cereal box that is glued too tightly and rip it open?😃
 
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buffalo:
It is good to understand that character traits can be developed or inherited.
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Yes. True. Mostly inherited, IMO. Either a man (or woman) is one of character or they’re not. I believe it is something in-born. And IMO, there are not many men (and women) even left today who exhibit true strong Godly character. IF anyone settles for less, it is up to them (to us) to make it work. As I said NOTHING, my mom could ever do or say could ever make my father EVER hit her. Why? Because he’s a 100% man, a Godly man, of substance. Many, most, IMO, are not in this day and age. I think women’s lib has severely hurt men, and as a result, voila, look at the culture today and you will see why most families are the way they are. I do think also, if our parents are sill married, we have a very good chance our marriage will survive. If our parents are just another statistic of divorce, or we are, chances are, our children as well, will just be another negative statistic as well. This is why, friends, we all need to put our marriages and our families as a #1 priority in our lives, above anything else. WE need to turn the culture around, get back to the basics, the ones God has outlined for us.

Better to have 10% of a 100% man than 100% of a 10% man***
 
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buffalo:
The “good thief”?
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No. Buffalo. A person cannot just live a life of dishonesty, crime and deceit and think well, they’re forgiven so what does it matter in the end? God sees all. Don’t forget. HE sees You and Me, in all our actions, every moment.
 
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sparkle:
No. Buffalo. A person cannot just live a life of dishonesty, crime and deceit and think well, they’re forgiven so what does it matter in the end? God sees all. Don’t forget. HE sees You and Me, in all our actions, every moment.
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I never made the claim you could willfully be evil with the intention of fessing up at the end.

What I said was a person could make mistakes (crimes) and repent and be forgiven. This is Catholic teaching.
 
Black Jaque:
BLB OregonI think you need to see that Marcsababa is not “tolerating” her husbands behavior:

That’s a good thing. It’s just her way of dealing with it that may be arguable. I think she is approaching this with an extremely level head, and with great rationality.

If no violence is tolerated in a marriage, does that mean my wife can leave me because I get pissed at a cereal box that is glued too tightly and rip it open?😃
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Her way of dealing with it is up to her. She’s there, it is her marriage, and as you say, she is not saying that she has the intention of tolerating abuse.

We have been charged by our bishops, though, to spread their message that “for better or worse” does not mean that you patiently endure it when your spouse starts hitting you. Ending abuse is no violation of the marriage vow, but rather an appropriate response to your spouse’s serious violation of the marriage vow. It is also not unforgiving or uncharitable to take prudent steps to prevent another person from falling back into a serious and habitual sin. It is, in fact, our Christian duty. (Didn’t this whole pedophile priest thing teach us that much?)

BTW, I am not weighing in on her husband’s culpability. I don’t know him, what his past has been, what his capacities are. Only God reads hearts. Heaven knows that most who hit learned it by being hit themselves, or by seeing their own mothers hit. Violent reaction to anger can be unlearned, though, if a better way to respond to anger is learned to take its place. I’m not going to jump in and tell her she needs a divorce/annulment, only that those are far preferable to ignoring the problem until it leads to felony assault or murder.

Even as it is now, their home is not without violent strife. It may be hard to believe, if you’ve never been in a different kind of home, but that isn’t inevitable. It doesn’t take a saint to lay off screaming, hitting, insulting language, and other kinds of “acting out” when you’re frustrated.

After all, she is in control of what to do next now. If something serious happens, the fate of the love of her life will be out of her hands… and that does worry her. Compared to that, I think that a few days apart to let the seriousness of the situation sink in is pretty small potatoes. She is quite certain that is not yet necessary. I hope she’s right, I fear for her and her family’s future if she is not, but she is right about this much–at this point, it is her call to make.

I know you’re joking about the cereal, BTW, and of course what you do to a cardboard box isn’t on a level with how you treat your wife, but it is a serious thing for an adult to be able to control their temper. As Our Lord said, “What I say to you is: everyone who grows angry with his brother shall be liable to judgement; any man who uses abusive language toward his brother shall be answerable to the Sanhedrin, and if he holds him in contempt he risks the fires of Gehenna.” (Matt. 5:22)

When Our Lord starts talking about a sin in terms of going to hell, it is time to sit up and listen. You can’t help your feelings, but you can control how you deal with them. So let your treatment of cereal boxes be whatever will lead you to a better treatment of other human beings. Me, I think that taking a deep breath and counting to ten when you feel like going ballastic isn’t bad practice for the day when it is a person who pisses you off.
 
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