I need ADVICE! Badly!

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First time poster. Thank you for your time and insight.

I’ve been married for 13 years. Coming up on our anniversary this week. We have one child.
We have had a tumultuous past. We’ve separated a couple of times, considered divorce (I have) and gone through therapy and religious counseling.

I’m writing now, because I am miserable. I am the breadwinner in the family and I work SO much. A few months ago, I was offered a job transfer and my husband encouraged me to take it, claiming that the extra money and lack of state taxes would help him branch out and start his own business… He WAS in the same industry that I’m in…and he was quite successful, although he made about half of my salary because of his area of expertise. Without getting into every detail, I followed his “gut feeling” and took the job and now I am working 50 plus hrs a week on my “day job” and he is counting on ME to get leads for his “business”. I am having to learn advertising, marketing, business plans etc…because he says “it’s over his head”. He seems to have no desire to learn and grow in other areas of business and I am basically working 80 hours a week. I never see our son…because I am always working.

Why, you ask? Because “I” am in bankruptcy. My hsubad always had expensive taste etc and I was the enabler. Then, he said he wanted ME to file bankruptcy to save his credit status …so ONE of us could still get credit and home lease etc.

So…that’s where we are at…I’m in bankruptcy. He’s avoided ALL elements of it…including going to the hearing with me. He didn’t go or do any of the LENGTHY paperwork. I am now trying to dig us out of this enormous hole and I can’t do it alone. I’ve told him this…and he said “I’m trying”. He got a temporary consulting job for a couple of months where he works 15 hours a week…then he’s Mr. Mom. Picks up our son, does homework, makes dinner, laundry…and doesn’t do any work to grow “his” business. I asked him for help recently…to set something up online for a webinar I was doing to recruit leads for him and he stalled and stalled and didn’t even do it. I had to pay someone…

He watches his football games…plays video games with our son… and is overall…a decent father. But, I have lost all respect for him…and there wasn’t much to begin with…considering how poorly he’s treated me in other areas over the years.

For example, he calls me at work to find out if I’ve called xyz repair man…or if I have set up xyz appt for the dog… I want to just SCREAM! I am truly ready to walk out…I just don’t want to do that to our son. But, he isn’t getting a great example of a husband/wife.

He refuses therapy…says been there…done that…and he didn’t like it. At this point, is this marriage worth saving? No sex…mainly because I have no desire to initiate and he doesn’t.

I don’t laugh anymore…I don’t sleep well because I’m so scared about money and taxes…he seems to care less…

Thoughts?
 
Why don’t you work your job and leave him to his own devices regarding his business-- in other words start saying “no” to his demands.
 
I wish I could…but we need money! He knows this…but thinks the bankruptcy will solve everything. But, he wanted me to lie about our finances to get a chapter 7 and all debts wiped free… and that isn’t flying with the court. So he thinks everything is going away…despite the fact that I told him that the trustee told me that it wasn’t going to fly.

His suggestion was to sue my attorney because he didn’t make it work…

So…without all my extra work…and efforts to get him more business…it goes no where.

THis morning he asked me to go have lunch with some of my rich friends to try to drum up business for him.
 
You have not completed your BK filing yet. So, re-evaluate the situation-- is any of this debt in his name, or is it all in yours? I might reconsider going through BK as an individual if this is his debt. He will likely run up more. Then what? Frankly, I would not file BK for his debts.

I would make structural changes that sever any joint credit or signing authority, bank accounts, etc. It seems he cannot be trusted with money.

I would leave his business to its own devices. Really. You don’t have time for it, and if he isn’t willing to actually run his business how much money will it make you anyway?

I guess if he is determined to run you into financial ruin, I would consider legal options to prevent that and preserve something for my child’s future.

Only you know the full extent of the financial situation, but I would not go down with a sinking ship. That’s ME.
 
I think you’ve posted before a number of times about the same issues under different names. A few thoughts:
  1. I agree with 1ke: “I would leave his business to its own devices.” Don’t worry one more minute about his business.
  2. If the bankruptcy isn’t done yet, see somebody else (a CPA?) to ask if you should file bankruptcy. Dave Ramsey says, asking a bankruptcy attorney whether you should file bankruptcy is like asking a dog whether it’s hungry–the dog is always hungry. It doesn’t sound like bankruptcy gets you anywhere you want to go, but get some expert advice on this.
  3. Don’t borrow another dime.
  4. Make time to see your son.
  5. “For example, he calls me at work to find out if I’ve called xyz repair man…or if I have set up xyz appt for the dog…” What does he say when you remind him that you are at work and he is the at-home parent? It’s just bizarre to MAKE A PHONECALL to remind you TO MAKE A PHONECALL when he’s going to be the one seeing the repair person or taking the dog to the vet.
  6. If you aren’t up to date on your quarterly taxes (if that applies to you), do everything you can to catch up.
  7. Get your husband to Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University or a Dave Ramsey live event.
This may not be enough, but it is a start.

Best wishes!
 
Is your husband a Catholic, or at least a Christian? If so, he is going against what the Bible says is the husband’s responsibility. I know it is 2013, but there is no excuse for his treatment of you, his determination to ruin your credit and financial stability, or his pure laziness.

I agree with leaving him to his own devices with regard to “his” company. If you are giving him money, or access to household money. Cut him off! Take him off of the joint checking account and give him a prepaid card to use for household expenses. Give him a budget he must follow. When the money is gone…tell him, “Oh well, dear, there’s no more money. Perhaps you shouldn’t have bought that video game or went shopping for clothes. I guess you will have to wait until I get paid again.”

It sounds like you have two children to take care of. When confronted with tough times, the tough get going. Tough love works the majority of the time. Quit getting him out of his troubles. They are his doing, not yours, and he is dragging you down. You can only pull a tractor for so long before you just plain give out.

Marriage is a joint effort, not a one-sided gig for one spouse to abuse. What he is doing is abuse. Make no qualms about it.

I pray that your situation will improve once you take a stand and demand cooperation and respect from him. Forget the business he supposedly has. It was a failure before it was even started. Make him go get a real job.

I was in a marriage like this with my first husband. I finally divorced him because I just could not take being belittled and antagonized, disrespected, and no love left between us. I married a man of integrity and honor later, and got the respect and dignity I deserve.

My prayers are with you.
 
Talk to a priest. Your husband is taking advantage of your kindness and it sounds like he deliberately got you into this “trap”. Get your OWN lawyer and have them sort everything out. Be sure to close all joint accounts and open separate accounts. Or at least open your OWN account and have your check deposited into that account directly. Sounds like you are the one with the work ethic and brains in the family. You don’t deserve to lose everything because of your husband’s sloth.

Don’t worry. God is with you at every second and He knows your struggles and sacrifices. Try to find some time to visit Jesus in an Adoration Chapel. Your troubles will melt away.

God Bless You 😉
 
You used the right word: enable. It is time to say no. No to doing any work on his business when he never does. No to shouldering the entire legal burden of his debt. Just as it is possible for a wife to be raped, it is possible for a wife to be used. You have been used, and it will not stop until you stop it.

Get some legal advice for you, and follow it. Get marriage counselling for you, too. He may not have the gumption to act, but you do. If nothing changes, there is no question about whether your common conjugal life is going to collapse. The only question is when. Maybe it will collapse no matter what you do. But like someone with a cancer, you need to reject the notion that a bad prognosis is a death sentence. You need a professional diagnosis from a professional you can trust, a treatment plan and a firm resolve to follow it, you need some prayer warriors, and you need to do what you can to beat this before nature takes its course and it beats you all.

May the Lord be with you and may you beat this disease settled on your marriage and family!
 
Best advice so far is to stop the bankruptcy immediately ! The repercussions you could face would be devastating, untruths uncovered could even get you jail time.

My opinion only. Right now you take care of you and your son. Your husband needs to man up.
 
Thank you all for this advice and insight. I truly appreciate it.

A couple of things. The bankruptcy has already been filed…and now it’s just a natter of which chapter the trustee will allow. It’s now being pushed into a chapter 13…instead of a chapter 7 - like my husband pushed for…It is the result of a clerical error in my attorneys paperwork …which caused them to take a second look at my finances. He was so upset, he suggested I sue the attorney…I thought…with WHAT MONEY?!?

No one is really spending much money now…but, he’s not really working. He takes on jobs when they come to him (thanks to me)…but he wanted to hire a part time nanny …IN CASE he had work to go to. Obviously, I said no.

He won’t do marriage counseling again. We did talk to a priest…and he really brushed my concerns off. He told me that I needed to have more sex with my husband and that would help us substantially. He would NOT address the money or bankruptcy.

My husband keeps saying “ive been to your MC and the priest…” it is what it is…

So…I am truly stuck.

He is very nice about making dinners and doing laundry…which makes it hard to be forceful…he’s helping around the house. But, he’s now mr. Mom. We don’t need that…we need $$$$.
 
I can truly sympathize with your situation. Why CAN’T you stop the Bankruptcy? Won’t the laws in your state let you? I’d think you could tell the Judge/Trustee that you have changed your mind and don’t want to do it!

In some states, BOTH spouses are responsible for any debts incurred by either of them - check your state’s laws!

Find another Priest!!! I was also in a bad marriage, where all the money was spent on his “toys” (in his case model airplanes to fly by remote - cheapest ones were $300 each!). I was also being beaten up every month and sometimes every week! My priest wouldn’t believe me. My husband wasn’t Catholic, although he had been baptized as a Christian. A good friend took me to the Bishop (she didn’t believe in half measures!) and the Bishop told me to get out & get a civil divorce before the man killed me! (I’d had a number of broken bones every year). I did, and was able to obtain a Catholic Annulment, mainly because he made sure there were no children by beating me until I miscarried! He even admitted to the Annulment board that he didn’t want children and refused to have them! I lost 5 children, 2 of them born alive but too premature to survive. He also beat me if he found out I had gone to Mass, since he hated the Catholic Church, which I didn’t know until a year after we were married IN the Catholic Church.

If he is refusing to have marital relations with you, that could be grounds for an Annulment, since without mutual consent, total chastity (no marital relations) is not permitted by the Church without cause.

I’ll certainly be praying for you, as I know what a trap you feel you are in!

I was fortunate, in that some years later, I met a widower (also without children, although they had wanted them) and who wanted to become Catholic & loved the Catholic Church. We had a beautiful marriage for 15 1/2 years until his death from cancer 2 years ago. I do not plan to ever marry again, but I’m probably a lot older than you (I’m 72). I hope your story ends as well as mine did, but I understand the feeling of being trapped that you are in, and your desperation for some answers. May Our Blessed Lady bring you comfort!
 
Thank you…To answer your question…

I tried to back out of the filing, and researched it to death. Once it’s filed…it will always appear on credit as a filed bankruptcy. It is federal law…You can still choose to pay back your debts …but it doesn’t change the status whatsoever.

So basically, I’m already sunk…no matter which chapter it ends up being…It’s a horrible feeling, let me tell you. Not to mention the hearing was on my birthday…and as I mentioned earlier…I went alone and it didn’t go well…

My husband is extremely frugal and careful when it’s HIS credit or HIS anything…

He just coasts through life pretty easily.

I was raised by catholic parents…my Mom stayed home and my Dad worked. It was not a fantastic upbringing…because there was a lot of fighting and manipulation (there’s none of the fighting in my marriage because I never push back)…

But, my Dad took extra jobs…worked so hard to keep us in Catholic school etc. My Mom was just a consistent, crying victim. My therapist pointed out that my husband acts like my Mom…and “I” am the provider …like my father was.

This is what’s hard. There’s no bickering…(I keep my feelings to myself)…there’s just a coldness. I feel very distant because I am constantly thinking about all the work I’m doing and how hard i’m trying…and how he ISN’T.

To answer your other question…if I threw myself at my husband…I would not be refused. But, he doesn’t initiate…he says because he “doesn’t want to bother me”. And, I do not initiate. I usually obligate myself to giving him sex about once a month. It is not pleasant for me…because I just feel resentment toward him.

Maybe I’m the one that he deserves an annulment from…I don’t know if I can cast all the blame on him. If I initiated…I don’t think I would be refused.
 
If you are not too far into the process, I would NOT accept the bankruptcy all in my name. It will ruin your credit for a time! You might need that in the future, especially if you decide you want to leave that relationship, legal separation…or I don’t know what! Is there any possibility of an annulment?

Well, you said it. He wants YOU to go bankrupt after working 80 hour weeks! No. Don’t do it! He is NOT experiencing any of the consequences of his actions. Let him experience the consequences. Let him experience part of the bankruptcy. Maybe that would at least help wake him up!

If I were in your situation, I would not want my assets, or reputation, tied to his in any way, because he’s shown himself to be selfish, a poor provider, lazy, and irresponsible, trying to make you undergo all the consequences of his problems! It’s so unfair!

Well, some people only learn from hitting rock bottom, unfortunately. He sounds like one who has to learn the hard way! LET him! Let him experience this! He’s had it coming, now.

He is pulling you down, literally bankrupting you and everything else. I think you should consider leaving him! I mean it! He’s sapping ALL your strength, taking any advantages and leaving you with all the work. You have all the cons and NO pros!

As to intimacy? Why would you want to risk conceiving right now? Your relationship is highly unstable. He has not shown himself to be a provider and is living off his wife!
If I were you, I would probably have difficulty respecting him, as well. There would be nothing in intimacy for you. It would be a chore, at best.

There are 3 main parts of a relationship…trust, respect, and love. Do you have any of these three right now?

A priest at one parish here explained that marriage is like trying to lift a very heavy table, and if both aren’t doing their part, it’s not going to work!

Leave him, separate your assets, let him experience his side of this! If this is the start of this, what will it be like in 10 or 20 years? No, go now!
 
That clears up a lot.

Here are some more suggestions about your finances (the purely marital stuff I will leave to others). Pardon the overlap between the first few.
  1. Make sure that in your bankruptcy, you are getting rid of as much stuff as you can. If you have cars with big payments or a mortgage somewhere, do not reaffirm those debts. This is your one shot (at least for the next 7 years) to escape that stuff. Also, do you have the option of moving into a cheaper apartment or house during this process? Talk to your lawyer.
  2. Is your living situation as cheap as you can feasibly make it? When is your lease up? Could you cut down to something smaller or less nice? There are only three of you.
  3. Can you cut down on your transportation costs?
  4. Have you looked at your insurance costs lately? Do the same with all your budget items.
  5. Is your child in private school? Does your child need to be in private school? Does your child need two parents who aren’t coldly hating each other more than he needs private school?
  6. Go to an envelope system for grocery shopping and the household money you give your husband and hand it out one week at a time. When the money’s gone, it’s gone.
  7. Do a monthly budget meeting where you both figure out how to live on your income for the month.
Here are some sample budgets:

livingonadime.com/sample-family-budget/

handsonbanking.org/financial-education/teens/a-budget-for-a-family-of-four/

I personally use a lot more line items–if you need ideas for categories, just ask–we have about 40 in each monthly budget.

Figure out with your husband what kind of lifestyle you can afford on the money you are bringing in (build in about $25-100 in mad money for each of you, depending on what your income level is). Make a list of “wants” that are not covered by your income and figure out how much they will cost (and make sure that most of the items on the list are his ideas–you’re trying to get him on board with the budgeting process). Point out to your husband that if he brings in $X, you’ll be able to afford Y, and so forth. Repeat every time your paycheck comes in.

The essential thing right now is to depressurize the situation and disarm you so that you aren’t walking around like a ticking time bomb. You shouldn’t be killing yourself with work, and he shouldn’t be expecting you to. Put in a good 50 hour week at YOUR job, do your housework, and forget everything else.
 
Hail Mary, Full of Grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women, and blest is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. :gopray::bible1:
 
If you can divorce and get that annuled, why don’t you just do that?
 
mega1 said:
Thank you…To answer your question…

I tried to back out of the filing, and researched it to death. Once it’s filed…it will always appear on credit as a filed bankruptcy. It is federal law…You can still choose to pay back your debts …but it doesn’t change the status whatsoever.

So basically, I’m already sunk…no matter which chapter it ends up being…It’s a horrible feeling, let me tell you. Not to mention the hearing was on my birthday…and as I mentioned earlier…I went alone and it didn’t go well…

My husband is extremely frugal and careful when it’s HIS credit or HIS anything…

He just coasts through life pretty easily.

I was raised by catholic parents…my Mom stayed home and my Dad worked. It was not a fantastic upbringing…because there was a lot of fighting and manipulation (there’s none of the fighting in my marriage because I never push back)…

But, my Dad took extra jobs…worked so hard to keep us in Catholic school etc. My Mom was just a consistent, crying victim. My therapist pointed out that my husband acts like my Mom…and “I” am the provider …like my father was.

This is what’s hard. There’s no bickering…(I keep my feelings to myself)…there’s just a coldness. I feel very distant because I am constantly thinking about all the work I’m doing and how hard i’m trying…and how he ISN’T.

To answer your other question…if I threw myself at my husband…I would not be refused. But, he doesn’t initiate…he says because he “doesn’t want to bother me”. And, I do not initiate. I usually obligate myself to giving him sex about once a month. It is not pleasant for me…because I just feel resentment toward him.

Maybe I’m the one that he deserves an annulment from…I don’t know if I can cast all the blame on him. If I initiated…I don’t think I would be refused.
Click to expand...
I give this same advice all the time, but Melody Beattie’s “Co-depedent No More” (and no, no addictions in my family , but she teaches a lot about how healthy people decide what is and isn’t useful behavior) and John Gottman’s marriage books helped me so much when it comes to how to draw boundaries and make complaints in a way that actually concentrates on the problem without straying off into the distraction of dramas and damaging communication patterns. Better yet, libraries have them and they are not new on the shelves, so you can get them for free and probably without a wait.

If you are certain the bankruptcy is water under the bridge, well, accept that. Many people who are financially secure now have a bankruptcy in their past. Save your strategies for your future. Only use retrospection to learn lessons. You have too much to do to waste time or serenity on regrets. What would have been is what was…look forward!
 
I don’t think counseling would even work on someone like that. For counseling to work, you have to be willing to change, and he’s obviously not!
 
YOU could go to counseling! It’s true, you do sound codependent.
 
Yes, I definitely believe I’m co-dependant. I need to get back on the therapy train…It’s just hard to find time. And to be honest…when I talk about my problems …it makes it hard.

My therapy in the past has usually let my therapist down. I say this because I can tell they have seen the problems I’m experience with my husband. I’ve gotten very clear about my need to leave…etc. And then I back out…or get too scared. I know that I’ve frustrated them…

Truth is …I can’t see myself on my own. I’m a visual person and I struggle with it…my son would be heart broken…

But, I am losing myself. Truly. I have been told in the past by therapists etc that If I keep all of this drama up and keep the façade going…that I will burn myself out.

I don’t laugh…I am struggling to think clearly. I am NOT in need of medication…I know that when I get in the right place…I’m okay. But, it’s just a constant grind.

My husband is odd …and stubborn. I think he fails to “get it” …when he makes these errors. But, he is also kind…in making me dinners or asking if I need anything. He’s Mr. Mom…in every sense. But, how do you get angry at someone who is serving you food…

Maybe it’s the codependency.

I will say this…I recently got us a very profitable consulting gig. We teamed up (we used to be in the same field) and he is NOT the most outgoing, dynamic personality. He means well, but as my friend put it…he always seems put out.

Anyway, at this consulting gig …he accidentally insulted a woman in our group. IT was pretty bad. It was like a car wreck…I could see it happening…because he wasn’t paying attention to what she was saying closely enough. SHe went OFF on him and it was awful. At the break…I told him he should go apologize to her. He didn’t. He just tried to pepper her all day with compliments instead. He never apologized. We lost the contract for that company. When I told him that we did…he got mad and was shocked. I told him I could see the writing on the wall. He got so angry at ME and told me that she was just too sensitive and then went into victim mode…telling me I shouldn’t have put him in that role and that he’s not strong at speaking to new people. He truly shut down on me. It was one of the only times recently where I stood up to him…and he gave me the silent treatment. I eventually texted him and called him just to draw peace…and we haven’t talked about it since. But, that’s his behavior. He gets so upset when he is not perfect (don’t we all)…but he becomes so defensive and cold. Just like that…
 
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